Saturday, December 31, 2016

OMG Yes!!!

I had another topic planned for this month, but I decided to postpone it because I wanted to recommend a rather special website before the year's end.  The website is called "," and it's a great resource for anyone interested in having better sex.

The website is based on extensive research on what it takes to get women aroused and what specific clitoral stimulation techniques are used by many different women to achieve orgasm.  What makes this website really special, however, is that it includes not just interviews with women describing their preferred ways to get aroused, but also videos of exactly what they are doing as they stimulate themselves.

The videos are high quality, clear, explicit, and non-pornographic.  They're also funny and rather charming, as the interviewees bare all for the camera and describe things that are mostly taboo.  There are a few awkward giggles and pauses as the women look for the right words, but it feels very natural and comfortable.  I have no idea how they found so many attractive and very articulate women who were willing to do this, but kudos to the casting director and especially to the cast.  They're amazing!

In addition to the videos, there are practice screens after many of them that allow the viewer to practice the motions on a high-res interactive image of a vulva.  So if you hear a description and watch a video of a woman describing a specific fingering pattern, you can then practice the same motion and get feedback as to speed, pressure, and location. (Note: this works MUCH better on a touch screen.  Doing it with a mouse will wear out your hand!)

So... who is it for?

First, it's definitely for women as well as men.  Women who have never really explored their own bodies, who have never masturbated to orgasm, or who have only used one method to reach orgasm will benefit tremendously from reading about, hearing about, and watching demonstrations of a wide variety of ways to receive pleasure manually.  I think it would be rare for a woman, even one who is comfortable with her own body, to see this without finding at least one new idea she wants to try out.  For women who are still struggling to find their own key to sexual pleasure, OMGYes! has a cornucopia of ideas to explore.

It's also a terrific resource for women who have no trouble reaching orgasm on their own, but have a lot of trouble telling their partners what they want and need.  This is one of the best things about the demos.  As you try to duplicate the desired strokes, you get verbal responses that demonstrate how to give constructive feedback to your partner.

Plus, I don't know about other women, but even after writing about tantric sex for years, I still have trouble visualizing what my partner is doing down there.  Watching these demos has finally given me a clue about some important differences between touches that work for me when he does them and touches that are almost the same, but just don't cut it.

So it's a big help in figuring out exactly what to ask for and how to ask for it.  Even better, if you share it with your partner, it will help the two of you build a vocabulary of touches and strokes so you can communicate more clearly about what works and what doesn't.

Men (and gay women) are likely to use this website in one of two ways.  First, if you're in a relationship with a woman, get her to go through the twelve units in "Season One" and show you the techniques she wants you to learn.  There are many, many couples who have trouble talking explicitly about sex, but who could use OMGyes as a playbook.  Even if she is too shy to demonstrate on herself, she can point and tell you, "Try this!"

Second, every person who is single and loves women would benefit from studying the entire website.  The range in what different women need from their partners is nothing short of astounding.  As many men have discovered, if you learned one way of doing things that worked with your first girlfriend, and you expect every other woman to react as she did, you – and they – will be severely disappointed!

If you get nothing else from this website, you will come away with a much greater appreciation for the first rule of sexual mechanics:  there is no such thing as one way to have sex that will please everyone, or even most people.  You have to pay attention and learn to understand your partner's body and you have to communicate and help your partner understand yours!

The emphasis throughout Season One is on techniques for clitoral stimulation.  And because of the way the videos are done, all of the demonstrations are of fingering techniques.  You can apply them to oral, but there are things you can do in oral that you can't do, at least not as well, with your fingers and vice versa, so not everything will apply to other dimensions of sex.

The emphasis on fingering fits particularly well for people involved in tantric sex, because we do so much yoni massage.  Z and I have been doing tantra for more than 20 years, and I would have sworn that he had tried every good trick in the book.  But after we went through the website together, he insisted that he has at least three new things that he wants to try out on me tomorrow morning!  (O, happy day!)


To give you an idea of the range of topics, here are the lessons in Season One:
  • Edging – delaying orgasm to increase its strength & duration  (YES! :)
  • Rhythm – finding the right rhythm and knowing when to increase it and when to keep it the same
  • Hinting – more edging techniques, using light, glancing contact
  • Consistency – when being consistent is really important
  • Surprise – the delicious feeling of an unexpected touch or digression
  • Multiples – how and whether to pause during the first orgasm and ways to resume afterward to help a women have more than one
  • Accenting – the extra pressure at the right point in a circle or other pattern
  • Framing – the way you talk about sex creates expectations that can dramatically change how it feels
  • Layering – stimulating the clit indirectly, through skin, lips, and even cloth
  • Staging – learning how sensitivity changes in different stages of arousal
  • Orbiting – "the million ways of circling the clit"
  • Signaling – good ways to give feedback physically and orally
All of these are super important for tantra, especially for giving and receiving a good yoni massage.  I especially loved that edging came first!  After many years of being a lonely advocate for delaying orgasm, it's so nice that more people are catching on!

Orbiting was perhaps the biggest surprise.  I realized that during my interviews with tantric couples over the years, I had heard many men and women talk about "circling the clit," and I always assumed that I knew what they meant.  Now I realize that I had absolutely no idea!  Each one of them could have meant a dozen different things, yet I was lumping it all together in my head, assuming the meant the same thing I do when I say it!

And the lesson on framing is one that I should probably link to from my post on How to receive a yoni massage.  It gives yet another perspective on the importance of learning to relax and just accept pleasure, without concern for time or destinations or what your partner is thinking about.  In addition, it provides tips to a woman's partner for getting her relaxed and in the right receptive frame of mind, primarily by being enthusiastic about giving pleasure without creating any pressure on her to perform.

The lesson on multiples was good as far as it went, but I was disappointed in how it ended, with a rather abrupt statement that half of all women can't have multiple orgasms, so if it doesn't work for you, just stop trying.  On the contrary, I have found that any women who can have an intense orgasm from edging can also learn to have multiple orgasms with enough time.

(The secret is taking the time for extended yoni massage with a lot of edging, at least once a week.  More than half of the 59 women I interviewed for my tantra research initially thought they were unable to have multiple orgasms, yet all of them had started having multiples routinely by the end of their first year.  I followed the same pattern myself, and I've heard the same story since then from many other women who learned tantric sex from this blog.)

I know what they were trying to do, which is to remove the pressure that a partner can put on a woman to have multiples if things don't work right away.  But they should have addressed that directly (as they did in the framing section), without seeming to rule out the possibility that success can take a long time and lots of patience.

With that tiny reservation, this is a terrific resource for anyone interested in getting better at sex, and it is particularly valuable for tantra beginners.  It's like a graduate course in yoni massage.  Highly recommended!

You can get a good overview and do the Edging lesson for free at OMGYES.  If you decide it's for you, the cost of a subscription is just $29.  I think it would be well worth it for many people.  I'm already planning to give subscriptions to several young couples I'm fond of.  :)

Final thoughts

You may want to review Better Sex 101 and brush up on your female anatomy before you start.  The text guides and videos use both informal and formal terms for the female genitals, and they just assume that you will know what is meant.  But many of the people who need this software don't know what a vulva is, or how it differs from a vagina, or even where the clitoris is.

For these reasons and more, it would have been very helpful if the crew at OMGYes had started with a simple interactive anatomy lesson.  They mention at several points the need for a common language to make communication easier, and I think they missed an opportunity to provide one.

For example, I would have liked to see a live demo, with several women doing a show-and-tell, touching, moving, and naming each part and demonstrating the wide variation in appearance of the inner and outer labia and the clitoris.

It would also be great if they would add a selectable overlay to the demos that assigns the letters A through F to "zones" corresponding to:

A = the upper part of the clitoral shaft/hood, just below the pubic bone
B = the middle of the clitoral shaft/hood.
C = the head of the Clit (the clitoral glans, the "button" or "bean")
D = the middle of the vestibule, between the clit and the vaginal opening
E = the vaginal opening or Entrance
F = the Fourchette, the fold of skin at the very bottom of the vulva, between the vaginal entrance and the perineum or "taint."

Just being able to spell out where to touch would give couples who had seen it a handy communication resource.  "Start at A and go down the left side all the way to F, then back up the right side" is very different from "Make circles from B to D, but don't touch C!"

Next up for Season Two?  My vote is for either cunnilingus (oral sex for women) or lingam massage (aka "super-deluxe handjobs with edging" for men) if they can figure out the viewing and demo problems, but they haven't given any hints.

As an interim, they could do an entire season on sensual & erotic massage.  This would be easy to do with their existing software and I know from hearing from readers and from discussions online that it would fill a major need.  It would also be a natural extension of everything in Season One, especially the parts on edging.  We'll see!

Happy New Year!  May all your fondest wishes for the new year come true!

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

The Fabulous(?) Fornix

I recently got a request for information about the cervical fornix and the role it can play in having good sex. This reader wanted to know if it's true that some women get extreme pleasure from having the fornix stimulated, and wanted more information about its location and what was required to stimulate it.

There have been a rash of web posts in the last few years claiming nearly magical properties for this "spot," with some people claiming that simply having the head of the penis enter into the fornix causes an instant orgasm for the woman that is more intense than any other. With claims like that floating around, it seems like a good idea to take a serious look at the subject.

Monday, October 31, 2016

Bram & Kat & Gunter & Ann: A Tantric Foursome

As some of you know, I was traveling from July to early Sept, which is why there are no posts here for July and August.  But I want to share with you one of the most interesting stops I made on my journey, a visit with  two couples in Amsterdam who are in a committed tantric foursome.

Thursday, September 29, 2016

How Women Can Become (More) Orgasmic

This post started life with a plea for help from Jim, a man whose partner is frustrated because she hardly ever has orgasms during sex, in spite of a lot of stimulation.  She is in her early 20s, has only tried to masturbate a few times, and has had only a handful of orgasms in the two years that she has been sexually active.

I've researched this topic a number of times over the years and have accumulated a long list of links to good resources, so I decided to share the best ones with him, and now with you.

This was my response:

Dear Jim,

Most people don't realize it, but an orgasm is something women have to learn to do.  Or, really, it's something our nervous systems have to learn to do.  Some girls are lucky and start masturbating when they're little, but a LOT of us start later and have to catch up. Because, as Drs. Julia Heiman and Joseph Lopiccolo pointed out 40 years ago in their groundbreaking book, Becoming Orgasmic, "the more orgasms a woman has had, the easier it is to have more."

Thursday, June 30, 2016

Sex and the Evolution of Pleasure

Why does sex feel good?  Not from an anatomical point of view, but from an evolutionary point of view.  Is it to create an incentive to reproduce?

This is a surprisingly complicated question.  The simple answer you'll hear from almost everyone is that if it didn't feel good to your ancestors, they wouldn't have had sex and you wouldn't be here.  But is that true?

I don't think so.

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Video tutorials for massage and oral techniques

One of the most common requests I get is for video tutorials, and I've been accumulating notes for a couple of years about videos that will help newcomers.  It has gone slowly because I don't really have time to scan a lot of videos and because there is so much bad stuff out there, which I find a turn-off.

However, a new amateur video by a couple of friends has inspired me to put something together for you.  One problem is that many of the videos are only reliably found on pay-sites, even though they are also frequently available on free porn-sites.  So rather than provide you with links that are highly perishable or lead only to a paywall, I will instead give a title and length for each one and leave it up to you to search for them.

Saturday, April 30, 2016

The Mystery of Arousal and Vaginal Wetness

Dear Shakti,

My husband and I have been doing tantra since we found your blog a year and a half ago, and we absolutely love it!  (Thank you!)  But we’ve run into a snag lately, and I'm hoping you can help.

Here’s the situation:  We’ve done all the preliminaries and I’ve given him a really nice lingam massage.  I’m pretty turned on by that and I can feel the juices flowing.  Then I get up on the table for my turn.  He gives me a long wonderful massage, back and front.  I’m meditating and loving the feel of his hands.

Then he starts the yoni part of the massage and it feels great.  I’m doing the inside focus thing to spread the charge around, and I’m really feeling good and starting to squirm and rock my hips a little, so he starts some oral, and that feels even better, and he starts to slide his fingers into me, then STOPS, and asks me what’s wrong.

“Nothing, why?” “You’re not turned on.”  “I am too!  “No, you aren’t.  You’re still dry inside.”

…. WTF??

Monday, February 29, 2016

Understanding the Male Orgasm

The topic of dry orgasms and multiple orgasms for men came up recently, and since I've learned a bit more about how all of this works in the last two and half years, I though I'd share an update with you that adds a bit of depth and background to the posts already in the blog.

Understanding the Male Orgasm

The male orgasm was originally divided by researchers into two phases.  They've since learned that those are really the middle part of the process, but old habits die hard, so the numbering of the phases is a little peculiar.  So it looks like this:

Thursday, December 31, 2015

Happy New Year, and a resource page for VVS.

This has been a wonderful holiday season for both of us, as I hope it has been for all of you!  We spent an old-fashioned Scandinavian Christmas with Z's parents and his sister, her spouse, and their kids.  And the week since Boxing Day with my brother, his wonderful wife, my three beautiful nieces and their families, so I'm seriously peopled out!

On top of family visits, parties, and entertaining, I've been trying to squeeze in some time to get started on the book that I've been promising many of you for over a year.  It's not been easy going, but I'm determined to push ahead and at least get the manuscript in reasonable shape this winter.  Because formatting and editing depend so much on consistency and continuity, I'm finding it very hard to get it done when my time is broken up into little chunks, so I probably won't post here again for several months.  I'm also seriously thinking of taking a week of vacation time from work in February or March and just locking myself in a room somewhere with my laptop until it's done.  We'll see.

Monday, November 30, 2015

A New Resource Page: Vaginismus

Over the last several years, many people have found this blog and written to me with questions, and I'm always curious about what attracted them to tantra.  One of the more unusual groups of people who have landed here have been women who suffer from vaginismus, a disorder that causes vaginal tightness and pain and frequently makes penetrative sex impossible.