Thursday, September 29, 2016

How Women Can Become (More) Orgasmic

This post started life with a plea for help from Jim, a man whose partner is frustrated because she hardly ever has orgasms during sex, in spite of a lot of stimulation.  She is in her early 20s, has only tried to masturbate a few times, and has had only a handful of orgasms in the two years that she has been sexually active.

I've researched this topic a number of times over the years and have accumulated a long list of links to good resources, so I decided to share the best ones with him, and now with you.

This was my response:

Dear Jim,

Most people don't realize it, but an orgasm is something women have to learn to do.  Or, really, it's something our nervous systems have to learn to do.  Some girls are lucky and start masturbating when they're little, but a LOT of us start later and have to catch up. Because, as Drs. Julia Heiman and Joseph Lopiccolo pointed out 40 years ago in their groundbreaking book, Becoming Orgasmic, "the more orgasms a woman has had, the easier it is to have more."

Thursday, June 30, 2016

Sex and the Evolution of Pleasure

Why does sex feel good?  Not from an anatomical point of view, but from an evolutionary point of view.  Is it to create an incentive to reproduce?

This is a surprisingly complicated question.  The simple answer you'll hear from almost everyone is that if it didn't feel good to your ancestors, they wouldn't have had sex and you wouldn't be here.  But is that true?

I don't think so.

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Video tutorials for massage and oral techniques

One of the most common requests I get is for video tutorials, and I've been accumulating notes for a couple of years about videos that will help newcomers.  It has gone slowly because I don't really have time to scan a lot of videos and because there is so much bad stuff out there, which I find a turn-off.

However, a new amateur video by a couple of friends has inspired me to put something together for you.  One problem is that many of the videos are only reliably found on pay-sites, even though they are also frequently available on free porn-sites.  So rather than provide you with links that are highly perishable or lead only to a paywall, I will instead give a title and length for each one and leave it up to you to search for them.

Saturday, April 30, 2016

The Mystery of Arousal and Vaginal Wetness

Dear Shakti,

My husband and I have been doing tantra since we found your blog a year and a half ago, and we absolutely love it!  (Thank you!)  But we’ve run into a snag lately, and I'm hoping you can help.

Here’s the situation:  We’ve done all the preliminaries and I’ve given him a really nice lingam massage.  I’m pretty turned on by that and I can feel the juices flowing.  Then I get up on the table for my turn.  He gives me a long wonderful massage, back and front.  I’m meditating and loving the feel of his hands.

Then he starts the yoni part of the massage and it feels great.  I’m doing the inside focus thing to spread the charge around, and I’m really feeling good and starting to squirm and rock my hips a little, so he starts some oral, and that feels even better, and he starts to slide his fingers into me, then STOPS, and asks me what’s wrong.

“Nothing, why?” “You’re not turned on.”  “I am too!  “No, you aren’t.  You’re still dry inside.”

…. WTF??

Monday, February 29, 2016

Understanding the Male Orgasm

The topic of dry orgasms and multiple orgasms for men came up recently, and since I've learned a bit more about how all of this works in the last two and half years, I though I'd share an update with you that adds a bit of depth and background to the posts already in the blog.

Understanding the Male Orgasm

The male orgasm was originally divided by researchers into two phases.  They've since learned that those are really the middle part of the process, but old habits die hard, so the numbering of the phases is a little peculiar.  So here we are:

Thursday, December 31, 2015

Happy New Year, and a resource page for VVS.

This has been a wonderful holiday season for both of us, as I hope it has been for all of you!  We spent an old-fashioned Scandinavian Christmas with Z's parents and his sister, her spouse, and their kids.  And the week since Boxing Day with my brother, his wonderful wife, my three beautiful nieces and their families, so I'm seriously peopled out!

On top of family visits, parties, and entertaining, I've been trying to squeeze in some time to get started on the book that I've been promising many of you for over a year.  It's not been easy going, but I'm determined to push ahead and at least get the manuscript in reasonable shape this winter.  Because formatting and editing depend so much on consistency and continuity, I'm finding it very hard to get it done when my time is broken up into little chunks, so I probably won't post here again for several months.  I'm also seriously thinking of taking a week of vacation time from work in February or March and just locking myself in a room somewhere with my laptop until it's done.  We'll see.

Monday, November 30, 2015

A New Resource Page: Vaginismus

Over the last several years, many people have found this blog and written to me with questions, and I'm always curious about what attracted them to tantra.  One of the more unusual groups of people who have landed here have been women who suffer from vaginismus, a disorder that causes vaginal tightness and pain and frequently makes penetrative sex impossible.