Becoming Orgasmic: Tantra as Therapy

Last summer at about this time I posted (in First Orgasms, and How Women Vary) about a young couple who were struggling with a common problem:  Sara's inability to have orgasms, either alone or during sex with her boyfriend Sam.  I posted the story because it had an exuberantly happy ending, but also because it was a good hook for discussing the very wide range of differences between normal women in terms of sex drive, orgasmic threshold, masturbation habits, and especially the ages at which they become sexual and orgasmic.

That post ended with a note from Sara celebrating her breakthrough and her first three orgasms ever.  But in posting it, I seem to have opened the floodgates.  Ever since then, I have been getting a steady stream of requests for help with problems that I would describe as "pre-tantra" - the kinds of sexual issues that need to be dealt with before you can move on to learning real tantric sex.

Reviews: Three Guides to Sensual Massage and Manual and Oral Sex

If you're looking for an illustrated how-to manual, but you get turned off by porn and explicit nudity, I have three suggestion for you this month.

I get a fair number of requests for instructional videos and books on three related subjects: erotic massage, hand jobs, and oral sex.  There seems to be something about all three that makes people insecure about just winging it, and in all three cases, there are a lot of tips and tricks that many people never discover on their own that can make their partners' experiences much more enjoyable.

We're at a peculiar stage as a society where it is actually much easier to find porn, which is widely available for free if you are willing to search for it, than it is to find good non-pornographic visual materials to recommend.  However, there are still many people who aren't comfortable with porn, or indeed anything too explicit, and there is much less in the way of good material for this group.

By coincidence, I have received two items in the last couple of months that should appeal to this underserved audience.  The first is a tasteful and beautifully produced massage book, Erotic Massage for Couples: Head to Toe Techniques to Arouse and Gratify Your Partner, by Sylvia Patterson.  And the second is an instructional DVD, Blow Him Away! by Dr. Sayaka Adachi, that provides a detailed guide to manual and oral techniques that you can use during lingam massage.

That makes this also a good time to review another book, Ian Kerner's She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman, which is devoted to manual and oral techniques that you can use while giving a yoni massage.

Mailbag #5: Tantra for women and the FC2 for anal

Lesbian Tantra

Two months ago I posted some information about gay tantra for men and asked for input from lesbian couples.  I've received one response so far, and I want to share that one with you here.  (I changed the names.)

"Grounding" or "Energy Management" Techniques

Happy holidays, everyone!

As we end the year, I want to talk about a topic that frequently comes up if you study with, or read books by, tantric gurus who have been affected by Chinese/Taoist approaches to tantra.  

Here's one version of the question asked on a Q&A site:

What do tantric/sexual grounding or "energy management" techniques involve, and what is their purpose?  Are grounding techniques and energy management commonly practice by people who practice tantric sex? Why?
I ask because when I read about tantra, including people's personal experiences, people tend to promote the idea of being careful with things like sexual and kundalini energy.
It makes sense to me that it is important to be careful with any practice, especially when getting started. This is true for almost anything we do with the physical body.
E.g. In reference to energy, the body has an electrical system, and it stands to reason that we could overwhelm it, just like we can injure a muscle if we don't  take care when exercising.  And I know from personal experience that I experience strong energetic sensations when practicing solo tantra.
So, getting back to my questions: what do tantric or sexual grounding or "energy management" techniques involve, and what is their purpose?
I could read lots about this, but I'd have to wade through lots of stuff I don't really resonate with.  I'd like if someone could just boil it down to simple explanations that are practical and applicable to many people. I'm fine with spiritual terms and concepts, I just prefer them to be clear, practical, and consistent, rather than obscure and arcane.

Tantra Workshops, Gay Tantra, and More

Happy Turkey Day, for all American readers!

I've just enjoyed my second Thanksgiving dinner in four days, first with Z's amazing family, including his sister and her husband and kids, and then with my brother and his wonderful wife and daughters, so I'm feeling very happy, thankful for my family, and stuffed!  I hope those of you who celebrate T-day had a great week too!

Tantra Coaching and Workshops

Ever since I started this blog, I've had a steady trickle of questions about personal coaching or workshops.  As far as I'm concerned personally, the answer has to be no.  I did this once for a young couple about a decade ago, and Z just found it too embarrassing and awkward, so part of my deal with him when I went public with this blog was that I would not get involved in teaching tantra in a personal way.

The Origins and Meaning of "Tantra"

I want to move some posts from other spots over to this blog, so I thought this one on the origin and the various meanings of the word "tantra" would be a good place to start.

The word "tantra" means (at least) four different things:

Tantra (1) – A tradition of supernatural ritual magic found within many branches of Hinduism, Jainism, Buddhism, and to a lesser extent Daoism.  Also known as Tantrism.

Tantra (2) – A ritual, formula, or procedure described in a text or esoteric teaching, especially in Hinduism and in Vajrayāna (Tibetan Buddhism).

Tantra (3) – A written text describing a tantra (2) and recognized as authentic by one or more sects of one of the Asian religions.  Most date from the 5th through 10th centuries CE when religious turmoil and increased literacy led to a great upsurge in interest in learning and recording the secrets of ancient magic.

Tantra (4) – Tantric sex, the common Western term for a set of sexual practices that are allegedly derived from sexual rituals that originated roughly 2500-5000 years ago in what is now India, Nepal, Bangladesh, and Tibet.  Also known as neotantra, modern tantra, urban tantra, and sacred sex.

Woman on Top - Sex in the "Cowgirl" Position

I love being on top.  As I've mentioned before, the "cowgirl" position is pretty close to a standard for a lot of couples after the yab-yum stage during tantra, but I also love it for regular sex.  My partner and I tend to begin that way more often than not.  But after getting several private questions and a plaintive one on another website, I've begun to realize that a fair number of women are scared to try it, so I thought I would share some tips.

This was the question:

How do you support yourself as a woman when you are on top during sex? Do you move up and down or do you rock back and forth? Are you sitting completely upright?  Besides being shy about "being on top," I don't really know the logistics of how to do it.  Any tips?

The Most Intense Orgasm for Women

This was a question I answered elsewhere, so I thought I would share my answer here, too.  Some of it will be redundant for those of you who have read through this blog from the start, but it still may be fun to see it summed up in one place!  :)

What is the most intense orgasm a woman can have?

I've discussed this question at length with many women and their spouses/long-term partners.  All are very experienced with tantric sex, and all of the women have at least occasionally experienced real monster orgasms.

The first observation, and this was unanimous, is that "most intense" does not equal "best."  This is partly because you can trip a circuit breaker and pass out when things get to the max intensity level and then you miss a good chunk of the fun.  Around a dozen of the women I talked to have blacked out at least once during an orgasm.  Several reported feeling woozy or nauseous afterward and none of them thought passing out was fun.  It made all of them a bit cautious about pushing for a repeat.

Aunt Shakti's Action Plan for Proactive Modern Virgins

In my last post we talked abut women and when they had their first orgasms, and we followed the story of a young woman who had been sexually active for most of a year and was still seeking her first one.  As a follow-up to that, an old friend has been pushing me to add an article based on something I first wrote for my nieces when they were old enough to be asking questions about how virgins can make their first time better and less painful.

Listen, I know this isn't strictly about tantra, but I bet there are a lot of girls and young women out there reading things like this on the web who have NEVER been with a guy. Or they've just done oral and stuff, and they're on the verge and they're kinda excited and kinda scared and NOBODY is helping them get ready.

My first time was horrible.  It was so painful and bloody that I pushed him off and made him stop.  It was about as bad as it could be for both of us. That thing you wrote for virgins really needs to be out there so people can stumble across it in as many places as possible.  It's a really great guide to getting ready, and I think you should at least think about putting it on your website.

Mailbag #4: First Orgasms, and How Women Vary

I've gotten a fair number of messages over the last six months from people who are struggling with the mysteries of the female orgasm.  This one showed up in early May:

Hi Shakti, my girlfriend & I came across your blog a couple of months ago and we'd really like to start learning tantra, but we've been trying to follow your advice to get "the basics" worked out first. The biggest problem is that Sara* can't have an orgasm no matter what we do. She says she enjoys having sex with me. She says she loves doing it & she loves making me come. She acts horny & rubs up against me to distract from TV or studying or the computer when she wants to do it. She takes the initiative a lot, maybe even more than I do, but I know it's bugging her that there's this other experience women are supposed to have & she can't do it.