Sunday, June 15, 2014

Aunt Shakti's Action Plan for Proactive Modern Virgins

In my last post we talked abut women and when they had their first orgasms, and we followed the story of a young woman who had been sexually active for most of a year and was still seeking her first one.  As a follow-up to that, an old friend has been pushing me to add an article based on something I first wrote for my nieces when they were old enough to be asking questions about how virgins can make their first time better and less painful.
Listen, I know this isn't strictly about tantra, but I bet there are a lot of girls and young women out there reading things like this on the web who have NEVER been with a guy. Or they've just done oral and stuff, and they're on the verge and they're kinda excited and kinda scared and NOBODY is helping them get ready.
My first time was horrible.  It was so painful and bloody that I pushed him off and made him stop.  It was about as bad as it could be for both of us. That thing you wrote for virgins really needs to be out there so people can stumble across it in as many places as possible.  It's a really great guide to getting ready, and I think you should at least think about putting it on your website.
Okay, fair enough.  Even if most of the people reading this are well past the point of being virgins, some of you may have young friends or relatives in need of this information.  At some point I may move this to a separate page, like the Better Sex 101 guide, but for now, here goes:

Aunt Shakti's Action Plan for Proactive Modern Virgins

Let's start at the beginning:  first time sex should not be painful!

Uncomfortable?  Possibly.  Awkward?  Definitely.  

But painful?  If it is, you're doing something wrong.  

The pain in first-time sex comes from three things:  
  • a torn hymen
  • a dry vagina
  • a too-tight vaginal opening
All three are avoidable with a little forethought.

Here's what you need to do to have a gloriously pain-free first time experience with sex:  

First, ask your doctor or gynecologist if you have a hymen that is likely to create problems.  The hymen is the (usually) thin, stretchy membrane that partly blocks the vaginal opening in some girls. Normally, it just slides out of the way without any problem.  However, a small number of women have hymens that almost close off the vagina, and having your guy try to batter his way through one of those would be really painful, besides being the biggest buzzkill you can imagine, so it's better to check with your doctor to be sure.  

If you are one of those rare women with a hymen that blocks most of the vaginal opening, ask her (or him) to snip it for you.  She may give you a numbing shot or use a cold spray, then nick it with scissors or a scalpel, and then apply something to stop any bleeding.  It hurts a bit, like getting a shot, but it's way better to have it done there under controlled conditions than to have your first memory of sex be screwed up by pain and a bloody mess.

Most adult virgins don't have much of a hymen, if any, and it usually just stretches out of the way during intercourse if you are warmed up, well lubed, and relaxed.  I lost my virginity 30 years ago and never bled a drop.  However, my gynecologist tells me that my hymen is still intact, just as it is for more than half of all married women who don't have children.  The myth that all virgins have hymens, that all hymens tear as a result of normal intercourse, and that all virgins bleed the first time they have sex is just that, a myth, and it refers to a time when first intercourse was usually more like rape for the terrified and ignorant virgin bride.

Second, learn some anatomy.  If you're uncertain about your own, your doctor may be willing to give you a quick tour.  Alternatively, there are some good illustrations at the end of this:  Better Sex 101.  It helps if you know where things are, what they do, and what they're called.  Don't be thrown off because the people in the pictures are hairless.  Hair is natural, but shaving it off makes for clearer pictures.  (While you're there, read the guide to better sex so you know some of the pitfalls to avoid.)

Third, get some good lube.  Virgins typically don't produce much natural lubrication, particularly if they're tense and anxious - and what virgin isn't?  Having sex without enough lubrication hurts, and it can leave your insides raw and unhappy.  The same thing applies to vaginal masturbation without lube, though hopefully you'd have sense enough to stop!

For masturbation, any plain unflavored vegetable oil should work fine.  I like coconut, almond, or walnut oil, but I know lots of people who just use standard cooking oil.  However, before you have sex for the first time you need to get an unflavored, unsweetened water-based or silicone lube.  (Oil dissolves latex, so never use oil with a condom!)  Drug stores and grocery stores usually carry an array of lubes; so does Amazon.  Make sure that whatever you buy says that it is safe for use with condoms.

Fourth, start small.  Maybe it's just me, but a lot of the dildos I see in sex stores look grotesquely oversized.  You don't want that, because a) it can be really uncomfortable, and b) you don't want to condition your vagina to expect an elephant.  So start with an index finger.  Use the oil or lube to get the vulva all slick and get yourself warmed up.  Explore all around.  Check out your inner lips and the vestibule (the space between the lips).  Explore your clitoris; slide the clitoral hood back and forth or side to side for a bit.  Rub whatever likes being rubbed.

When everything is feeling perky and plump, rub your finger around the introitus, the vaginal entrance.  You should feel a ring of muscle under the skin.  If it is closed pretty tight, you need to get it to relax, so go slow and don't force it.  Press and rub gently and try to think relaxing thoughts.  Insert a fingertip if you can and sort of feel around.  Tug and press the entrance muscles in different directions to encourage them to stretch.  Gradually ease your finger in.  When one finger is comfortable, add another.  Be sure you get enough oil or lube inside so everything slides smoothly.

This part of your body is pretty amazing.  It can stretch out wide enough to let a baby's head go through it.  But it stretches slowly and it can really tighten up if you're anxious or scared. And forcing anything inside you when it's clenched tight can really hurt, which is the third big reason that sex can be painful for a virgin.  So what you're really doing by experimenting with vaginal masturbation is getting your vaginal muscles used to relaxing and allowing penetration without hurting.

Fifth, stay safe.  Women have told me they stuck the damnedest things in there when they were kids.  If you're living at home, it may not be easy to get real sex toys, but try to find safe alternatives if you have to.  One of my friends used the cut off end of a broom handle and another used the traditional vegetable (a skinny cucumber) the first time, and it didn't do them any harm.  I used a rechargeable electric toothbrush that had a smooth cylindrical base that was the right size for me.  It had the bonus of a nice buzzy feeling when I turned it on.

Many hand tools have smooth handles with rounded ends.  One of the women I interviewed said that her first sex toy was the handle of a feather duster, and that she still gets turned on by dusting with one!  If you are really, really tight inside, a young friend of mine suggested starting with the kind of fat marking pen that has a rounded back end; they're slim, smooth, and easily available.  

Length is not very important.  All you really need to do is get the muscles at the vaginal opening used to relaxing enough to allow insertion without clamping shut. An inch or two is enough for that, though it's desirable to have some extra sticking out to make for easier insertion and removal.  Typically, if something cylindrical fits comfortably in your hand, it will fit comfortably inside you.

But the main point is to make sure whatever it is isn't too big, is completely smooth and sanitary, and won't leave any residue inside you.  Be sure to clean it extremely well before and after.  Alternatively, you can cover the insertion end of the item you're using with a fresh, clean piece of plastic wrap, and then throw it away afterward.

You shouldn't expect to be able to get an orgasm by pushing something in and out like a guy's penis.  Try it out if you like, but not many girls are actually able to come from masturbating that way.  Instead, the basic idea is just to get your vagina used to relaxing when you get aroused and used to stretching to fit when you put something inside it, as well as getting you used to that nice filled up sensation when something is in there.  When you get to that point, just finish with masturbation the way you normally do.

Sixth, vibrators are nice, but don't expect too much of any vibrator that goes inside.  It's actually better to just put something else that's the right size and shape inside you, giving you that nice "full" feeling, and then apply the vibrator to the clit or the whole vulva outside.  A slim, plain dildo and a fat external vibrator like the "Magic Wand" make a great combination!

Finally, do your Kegels religiously.  Nothing you can do on your own will improve sex as much having good muscle tone down there.  (This goes for guys too!)  Kegel exercises are easy and fun.  You can do them while standing in line, sitting in class, or even driving.  Once you've got the knack, you should also do them while you've got a finger or two inside your vagina.  Not only does it feel good, but the pressure on your fingers also lets you keep track of how you are doing in terms of improving your strength and control.

Having good Kegel tone and control paradoxically makes it easier to relax your muscles down there when you need to.  It will also give you the ability to "flutter" those muscles on command and drive guys crazy.

The Big Day

Okay, you've made your preparations, and today is the day!  There are a few more things you can do that will make things better the first time:

Make sure you are fully aroused before any penetration.  Ask your partner to start with manual and oral caresses.  If he can get you all the way to an orgasm that way first, before insertion, you will be much more comfortable.  Even if you don't quite make it, getting thoroughly aroused will relax your muscles, increase your natural lubrication, and make the whole process easier and more enjoyable.

If you have any doubts about being relaxed enough, ask your partner to lie on his back.  Be sure you are well lubricated.  Kneel on either side of his waist and then ease yourself down onto him, using one hand to guide his penis into your vagina.  In this way, you can control the pace and give yourself time to relax those pesky muscles and let him in.*

Source:  Wikipedia Public Domain,

Feels wonderful, doesn't it?  Congratulations!  That's all it takes to have a thoroughly enjoyable and pain-free first time!

*Edit:  There are some good tips here about the woman-on-top position.


  1. Makes sense. I wish had read this before my own first experience.

  2. Its easier to read than actually perform it...

  3. if the woman has a more experienced partner who is sensitive to her body, it will also be easier - if both people are inexperienced (and I'm thinking of the man in particular) then there's a greater chance of encountering 'difficulties'

  4. That sex position might look easy but seriously don't try it first time... You might end up breaking the guys penis. Seriously, go for either missionary or dog style...I suggest for the first time.

    1. I doubt that any virgin is going to try bouncing wildly up and down. As long as she goes slow, there is no risk at all.

      I started in Cowgirl my first time, and I really appreciated being in complete control of the pace and depth of insertion. I think it's the best choice for first-timers as long as the girl isn't extremely shy, especially if BOTH partners are virgins.

  5. How far apart should I spread my legs to let him in? And do I just lie there or scoot down or what?

    1. If it's missionary, scoot down far enough so his head won't bang the wall or headboard, particularly if your guy is tall. (My guy is a foot taller than I am, so I have to be extra conscious of this.)

      Raise your knees and spread them as far apart as you can without discomfort. Your feet can rest on the bed or be behind your partner's butt or back, or even be up on either side of his chest if you pull your knees all the way to your shoulders.

      As you gain experience, you'll learn that controlling the position of your knees is one of the main ways you can control the angle and depth of penetration, and thus how it feels to you.

      There's no "right" answer to what's best because every couple fits together differently, so you just have to experiment. However, it's easier for novices to get everything to fit the right way if your knees are raised and spread as far as you can, so try that for your first few times.

      As for movement, you can stroke his arms, back, and shoulders and grip him with your legs as long as you don't restrict his range of motion. Over time, you'll learn how to rock your hips in time with his movement, but for your first time it's better not to try.

    2. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  6. Thank you! I’m older and have never had piv sex. This explanation is so simple and makes piv sound enjoyable!

  7. I am 22 virgin want to try out sex with my partner but I m afraid of getting pregnant,I don't even trust condom because I have doubt ,what if it breaks or something like that or is it safe to do sex with condom ,how safe it is .

    1. Hi! You're right to be concerned. Condoms are much better than going bare, but they're not really safe. In one year of actual use, the failure rate is around 18%, or one pregnancy for every six women.

      The absolutely safest form of contraception is the Nexplanon implant. According to the CDC, you would expect a failure rate of 0.05%, or about one pregnancy every 2,000 years! (It's actually even safer than that. As long as you don't take certain meds, like malaria drugs, the chance of pregnancy is effectively zero.)

      IUDs fail about once every 500 years of actual use (0.2%). The failure rate for the pill is much higher, about 9%, or one pregnancy per 11 women using the pill for a year.

      There's a great CDC chart comparing the effectiveness of all kinds of contraception here:

      I switched from the pill to the implant a few years ago, and wish I'd done it sooner. It's much simpler and more convenient, as well as being safer. I love it.

  8. Hi ! I’m 24 about to have sex for the first time. But I’m a little wary of trying penetration with toys first. Would it be okay to try with my boyfriend straight away.

    1. It's obviously not required, but it *IS* a good idea to use your fingers or some kind of slim, non-porous object to get used to the feeling of penetration and to learn more about your own hymen and how stretchy it is.

      However, as long as you are well-lubed and your boyfriend is patient and willing to go very slow, you should do fine.

      I hope you have a great first time!

  9. Hi! So I am a virgin and I was wondering if there is anyway to simulate oral sex before it actually happens? I'm scared my boyfriend will kind of shock me I guess?

    1. I can't think of any good way to simulate oral sex, but I really don't think it's necessary. Most women love receiving oral. Just ask him to start out slow and twine your fingers in his hair so you can guide the position of his head and the amount of pressure with your hands.

      Also, ask him to use a soft, broad tongue at first. (Some guys try to imitate porn by flicking your clit as fast as they can with a stiff tongue, and most women hate this.)

  10. Is there any oinment/anaesthetic kind of thing to make it painless. Or while masturbating myself??!!!

    1. Use vegetable oil for lube to prevent irritation. Coconut oil is a favorite, but any clean, clear cooking oil will do.

      Masturbation should not hurt! (Neither should sex!) And using an anesthetic is risky (you could damage yourself without knowing it) and it would defeat the purpose of getting aroused.

      If you're having pain from a normal touch, you may have "VVS" or "vulvodynia." This article will help you decide if that applies to you and find a specialist who can help you treat it: "Understanding VVS / Vulvodynia" (

  11. These tips are great! They are mostly around physical preparation however. What are some ways to mentally prepare. I'm 19 going on 20 and haven't even kissed anyone so 😅

  12. Thank you for this wonderful piece... it actually helped me, I got married and for a whole month I kept running from my husband because all my head has been clouded with the idea of sex is painful. I stumble on your article online and the part where you said we should try introducing fingers clicked... it works... Thanks for saving my young marriage because it got to a point that my husband was almost frustrated. Now, we are taking it slowly and the initial anxieties are dying out