[part 6 in a series that starts here]
Some men, particularly young men, are so sensitive to touch all over their bodies, and so unused to being touched in that way, that they can have an orgasm the first few times just from the body massage, or from the body massage and the very beginning of the lingam massage. If he seems embarrassed about coming quickly, reassure him that it’s absolutely normal.
This can be particularly distressing for a guy who usually has pretty good stamina during vaginal sex. But the reason he usually has good stamina is almost always because he is concentrating so hard on putting your needs and pleasure first that he is paying very little attention to himself. As a result he has little experience with being the recipient of attention and with focusing only on his own sensations. Now that the focus is entirely on him, and he doesn’t have you to think about, the experience can be overwhelmingly intense.
If that’s your guy, it’s a good idea to tell him how much you appreciate the way he normally puts you first! And, as you progress with the massage, you obviously need to use a very light touch at brief interludes, but you will almost certainly have to be patient as well.
You may need to do lingam massage five or ten times or more before the novelty wears off and he desensitizes somewhat to the emotional charge of having you concentrate such loving attention on him and his needs. You can also discuss whether you should try out the squeeze, as mentioned above, or one of the other techniques I will talk about later on for delaying the male orgasm, specifically the testicle tug.
However, in many cases the best answer while you are both learning Tantra is to use the “come twice” approach: plan on deliberately generating an orgasm early in the massage. After he comes, continue right through his refractory period to a second orgasm at the end.
The key here is knowing roughly what his refractory period is. When you have sex twice in one night, how long do you have to wait after one ejaculation before he can get a second erection? This can be anywhere from 5-10 minutes to many hours. Although it generally increases with age, it also varies a lot between different men who are the same age. Continued stimulation of the soft penis will usually shorten the interval a little bit, but for the most part you just have to live with it.
Let’s say you know his refractory period is around 20 minutes, fairly normal for a youngish man. If you give him a normal body massage, then start a vigorous lingam massage, perhaps with oral, you can bring him to orgasm immediately. After he comes, you can continue with soft massage for another 15-30 minutes until he is erect again and is ready for a second orgasm.
If his refractory period is closer to an hour you can start with a fast, intense lingam massage before giving him the full body massage, and then continue normally. One couple who learned Tantra in their late thirties had this problem at first and dealt with it by having a “quickie,” consisting of hasty vaginal sex, right after the couple meditation and before she started his full-body massage. Ten years later, they still do this occasionally if they’re feeling especially horny, or just for fun or for old times’ sake.
ED and erection delaysWhile many men have trouble lasting long enough, other men, particularly older men, may not achieve a full erection until well into the lingam massage. In this case, you can be firmer and more active in your strokes, but you should still be a bit cautious about how you test this. Among seniors, in particular, the firmness of the erection may not be a good indication of the degree of arousal, and many men that age can have an orgasm without having a full erection. Indeed, if he takes something for ED problems, you can experiment with lingam massage both with and without his normal medication. Over time, you may find that he has more control and staying power, and actually enjoys the experience more, without the pills and without the hard erection they bring.
One older man who takes Cialis usually chooses to take it right before starting the lingam massage. Since the drug takes about 30 minutes to have an effect, he says he really enjoys the way the timing extends his natural orgasmic curve, helping him become completely hard only in the last 5 or 10 minutes of the massage.
At other times, he waits to take the pill until after his massage is finished, preferring to enjoy the soft lingam massage for the whole period. His refractory period is around 4-6 hours, so he can normally have only one ejaculation per Tantra session. When he delays taking his pill, he skips the orgasm at the end of the soft lingam massage, along with the need to hold back ejaculation for later and the risk of a failure that would interfere with yab-yum and maithuna.