Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Welcome to Extraordinary Passion!

Tantra has a well-earned reputation for helping people have much better sex. Unfortunately, most of the people writing about Tantra insist that "true" Tantra is an elaborate spiritual and religious tradition that governs every part of life, that Tantric sex is just a small part of that tradition, and that you have to take the whole package, not just the fun part.

That's fine for people who are into New Agey spiritualism and religion.  However, it unfortunately excludes people who are hard-headed, practical, science-oriented, and uninterested in changing religions or acquiring one.  For the most part, these are people who are actively repelled by mystical language and discussions of "spiritual energy."

This blog is for you if you:
  • Want to know what Tantric sex is about, but have a low tolerance for obfuscation.
  • Want to learn how to have great sex without being indoctrinated into a spiritual cult or Eastern religion.
  • Already practice Tantric sex, and want a better understanding of its weirder effects.
I've been a student and practitioner of Tantric sex for over 20 years and have interviewed more than a hundred other people who have practiced Tantric sex for many years, most of them in considerable depth.  My goal here is to create a practical guide for people (especially long-term couples) who want to learn the ancient – and awesome – sexual techniques known in the West as “Tantra.”

This blog is based, not on abstract theories or ancient texts, but on my own experience and what many loving couples have told me about what actually works for them as they practice Tantric sex.  My approach to Tantric sex is entirely practical, secular, and scientific.  I'm not interested in supernatural explanations for natural phenomena.  I'm interested in finding out what people actually do and what works for them, and understanding why it works.

The couples I interviewed are not sexual thrill seekers or adventurers.  They are normal people.  As it turned out, the only abnormal thing about them, as a group, is that they were all still having great sex after years together.

Many “experts” have recently taken to proclaiming the death of monogamy, with the “inevitable” loss of desire and the end of good sex after only a few years in any monogamous relationship.  Before this idea congeals into a self-fulfilling expectation, it seems worthwhile to point out that many couples are still very much in love and are still having great sex after decades together, and that the “secrets” that enable them to do so are available to everyone.

I have long been a student of neuroscience and human behavior.  I try to keep up with these fields, even as they have exploded beyond all recognition.  Many of the important recent developments in brain science, in particular, have helped explain how Tantric sex creates such seemingly magical effects.  They help us understand not just how to have great Tantric sex, but why it works, and especially why it seems to work exceptionally well for long-term couples.

So this blog is going to be a place for exploring three themes:
  • How to learn Tantra and have amazing sex.  My intention is to be frank, clear, and explicit about how you can extend sexual arousal, have longer and stronger orgasms, and learn to experience multiple and full-body orgasms.
  • The emotional and subjective experience of Tantric sex.  What it feels like, including:  the Tantric high, the intense bonding effect, feeling like you are sharing your partner’s body, and (for some people) a transcendent feeling of union with the cosmos.
  • The science behind the sexual, emotional, and subjective effects of Tantric sex.  There’s been some pretty amazing research published in recent years that explains a lot of mystifying things about the Tantric experience!
So, once again, welcome!  I hope you enjoy the journey!


Tips on navigation:

If you look at the bar just above each post, you should see tabs marked:
            Welcome!    EP – The Blog    Glossary    Better Sex 101

The first tab ("Welcome!") brings you back to this page.  The second one ("EP – The Blog") takes you to a list of the most recent posts.

The third tab ("Glossary ") is my take on terms I use in the blog that might not be familiar to most readers.  I urge you to check it instead of just googling the words, because a lot of these terms have different meanings in different contexts.

The last tab ("Better Sex 101") is something I first wrote a few years ago for a women's group my niece belonged to in college.  She shared with me some of the horror stories about bad sex that she was hearing from her friends, and I realized that she and a lot of her friends were still pretty inexperienced with sex and didn't know what to do about it when things didn't go well. So I wrote up a basic sex ed guide with pictures and information about male and female anatomy and other useful information.

If you want to find specific posts, they are listed by date in the right hand margin, starting with the oldest at the bottom.  (Click on the months to see the titles.)  The first 60+ posts (from September 2013 through January 2014) are a good book-length introductory guide to learning tantra with a partner.

If you are simply reading straight through, go to the very bottom of each post and click on the "Newer Post" link to go to the next page.


  1. My 66 year old wife routinely experiences 3 dozen orgasms during a one-hour session during a variety of manual stimulation and 69. Each is different. She is in top condition. I get to enjoy entry or deep throat orgasm at the end. We are both in our middle 60s and have sex every other day. Is this normal? We like it!

    1. It's not normal, but it's definitely possible. My SO and I are 52, we've been together since we were 28, and we follow about the same pace you do. As long as we don't get sick, I don't see any reason why we won't still be doing the same thing in our 70s.

      The key to staying passionate in a long marriage is staying healthy, loving each other, and taking the time to have sex that is really good for both partners. Surprisingly, research shows that as long as there are no big relationship problems most couples who make it past the first decade with their libidos intact stay at about the same sexual frequency into their 70s, 80s, or even 90s, until their health and stamina start to fail.

      As for having ~36 orgasms in an hour, the record under laboratory conditions is 134 in an hour. The fact that your wife is having more than 10 in that time suggests that she is getting a good solid continuous orgasm going for at least part of the time. (Good for you!)

      [There's more info on that ahead when you get to this post: Multiple Orgasms for Women]

      I'm glad you found this blog. It sounds like you and your wife have already discovered a lot of the ingredients of tantric sex on your own! Keep it up! :)

      –– Shakti

    2. Hi Shakti,

      Thank you for your reply. Been really busy with a grandchild at least 3 days/week, so I don't get back to your BB as often as I should.

      Yep, she is one hot grandma. We have been married over 42 years! One of her favorite techniques is to hold her breath for up to 2 and a half minutes (very tantric). I slowly move my hand over her entire body and then after 2 minutes move to her clitoris. She will explode when I touch it and continue to orgasm for about 30 seconds or so as I work over her entire vagina. She will thrust at least a dozen times for each orgasm, sometimes more.

      When she is done, we start all over from ground zero and try something different and she will once again have a dozen or more thrusts. We will repeat this at least 2 dozen times, so the multiplier for the session is huge! She at some point says "my clit is too sensitive, please stop!"

      I am perfectly happy to stay hard and have fun watching her enjoy her body. She became multi-multi after she turned 50. You better watch out at 52, the fun is just beginning.

      She has really enjoyed 69 more since then too. She likes to be on the bottom and she can easily take 6.5" all the way down for as long as she can hold her breath. I notice that I can thrust as deep as I want while she is having an orgasm. She is somewhere else and doesn't care how deep I go.

      When we 69 with her on top, she can work me up and down. Several times I have cum at the same time she is having an orgasm. She stays all the way down and lets me thrust down her throat. She does not swallow now, but I don't care.

      I love to give her a "landing strip" trim so she can wear sting bikini panties or a swimsuit if we are out. She is a 34A-25-33, 5'5" and 103 lbs. The body of a 30 year old so she fits right in at a pool or beach.

      We don't plan on slowing down from at least every other day sex to orgasm. Having a good jelly helps.

      As I said, I think my wife is far hotter now than ever before. Before 50 it was "one and done." Now it is "at least a dozen and 'maybe' done!"

      Thank you for your advice! Have some fun with your SO!

  2. I have been masturbating by pressing against the mattress since around 8 years. Recently I’ve noticed that I don’t get a proper erection. When I do, it doesn’t last for long & I’ve to put in effort to keep it which was not the case before.
    I have a decent erection when I wake up but its not like I used to have before. Can it be stress because I'm also in a stressful phase of my life now?

    1. Absolutely yes, it can be stress, which is one of the top causes of erection problems. But it also could be other health problems, so you should see a doctor about it. At least get your blood pressure checked and look up the side effects of any drugs you are taking, legal or not. Smoking, alcohol, lack of sleep, and lack of exercise are other common causes.

      You should also try to retrain yourself to use a friction-based method of masturbation. Pressure-based methods frequently create sexual problems with time. Look up "death grip" for information on breaking the habit.

  3. Hi Shakti! I'm 30 years old and I married!How many days should a husband perform sex per a week?
    What do advice me, regarding to good sex positions for woman?

    1. From what I've seen, couples who have sex less than once a week will often end up having marital troubles. So take that as a minimum to aim for.

      Above that, it's really up to the two of you. Usually the person who wants less sex sets the frequency, and couples end up having sex when both people want it, or at some level in between what they each want.

      However, quality is a lot more important than quantity. When my partner and I got together 27 years ago, we had sex every day for the first two years, but the sex got shorter and shorter. The second year, it was basically 10-15 minutes each night, which was not enough for me to find it satisfying.

      When we figured out what was wrong, we started doing tantric sex and spending much more time on each encounter. Now we have sex about 3x per week, but we spend more time on it, total, than we did when we were having sex every night, and it is much more satisfying for both of us.

      My favorite positions are missionary, cowgirl, butterfly, spoons, and pronebone, but every person is different and every couple fits together in different ways, so you should experiment to find your favorites.

  4. Hello Mam
    I'm 25 Male (unmarried and Virgin too) from India,
    I want to know the technique of a prefect male masturbation so in future it can help me avoid PE and enjoy a great sex with my partner.

    1. Two things to read: (and the next 4 posts)

      The first one describes the best ways to combine meditation and masturbation. The second one tells you how to learn to have multiple orgasms without losing your erection, which will be very helpful when you become sexually active with a partner.

  5. I'm glad to have found your blog! I'm a single woman, early 50's, and have not had partner sex in over 20 years. My libido was dead for much of that time, various stressful life circumstances (poverty, caregiving, depression, deaths, etc.).
    After recovering from another death, the menopausal transition began and libido came back. What the heck? A bit late in the game it seems but I'm trying to enjoy it.
    I've rebooted my masturbation practice and enjoy myself though orgasm is elusive. I do have vibrators but find that those orgasms are short and sharp, just a nervous system response and make me sore. So most nights I will just do gentle yoni massage for a while and enjoy the pleasant sensations without the peak of an orgasm.
    I'd love to learn how to be more meditative and experience energy "orgasms" but I know that I would likely need a lot of time, guidance, and practice to acquire that type of skill.
    I'll look forward to reading through your blog. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.

  6. I have a partner I share tantric sex with. We are both senior citizens, and have the time and inclination to take our time building ourselves to meaningful orgasms. The longest session we have had sucking each other's cocks and prostate massage has been 5 hours. It has been a great learning experience, finding the perfect edge to keep each other aroused to. We definitely produce larger loads of semen during these sessions. Certainly more than we produce when we just give one another a quick casual blowjob.

  7. Hi Shakti! I'm in the process of producing a conference to happen in Brooklyn, NY next May. I am in search of somebody who can share a practical (non-spiritual/religious) introduction to tantra. You seem like a good fit! If interested, and you are not too far away, can you send me an email so we can discuss? Thanks so much!

    gregkieser at gmail