Monday, October 14, 2013

Lingam massage: Oral Hazards

[part 5 in a series that starts here]   

Oral can be a particularly big problem if he wants it and you’re reluctant. Oral sex can be a trouble spot for some couples, even some who don’t have any other conflicts or inhibitions about sex. Some women just hate the idea of something being thrust into their mouths. Often this will be the case for a woman who was traumatized by a former boyfriend who grabbed her head and pushed his penis in as far as it would go, hurting, gagging, and choking her. This happened to me when I was in college, and a lot of other women have told me about similar experiences that turned them off.

On the other hand, many men especially like the warmth, pressure, moisture, and suction that only a mouth can provide. If he likes it but you don’t, it’s important that you not agree to do it just to please him. If this is something that makes you tense, uncomfortable, or frightened, or that makes you feel used or abused, doing it just to please him is going to completely mess up your efforts to learn Tantra! If that’s the case, your answer should be a firm no. Explain your reasons without attacking his preference, but make it clear that this is not open to discussion, at least not until you are much farther along with your lessons.

On the other hand, if your only objection is to the loss of control and the possibility of deep thrusting, there are ways you can try to accommodate his wants without having those problems. The first is to realize that he is not the out-of-control brute who nearly strangled you. He is the man you love and who has proven repeatedly that he cares about you and has the self-restraint to put your needs ahead of his own. (If not, how did you get this far with Tantra in the first place?)

Taking charge and giving good head

So you're ready for his finale and he’s lying on the mat or table, completely under your control. And he’s definitely not going to grab your head, because you’ve already told him that’s a mood buster and a complete deal breaker. Right? Right!

Grip the head and upper shaft of the penis firmly with one hand, wrapping your fist around it the way you would grip a hammer. Your other hand can be added to the bottom of this tube for greater length, or you can use the thumb and forefinger of your other hand to ring the scrotum or the base of the shaft and pull down on the skin of the shaft to increase the intensity of the sensation.

Now cover your teeth with your lips and press your mouth against your upper hand. Allow just the glans (the head of the penis) to slide through your hand(s) and in between your lips to rest on the front part of your tongue. Pause for a moment and flick your tongue a few times, up and down or sideways, against the glans. Raise both your head and hand(s) together, until your little finger is the only thing keeping the head of his penis from slipping out of your upper hand. Then go back down again, until the glans is inside your mouth, flick it, and repeat.

Keep your lips firmly pressed against your hand as you raise and lower them both together, effectively extending the tube made by your hand and adding the warmth and slightly raspy pressure of your tongue to the friction on the glans.

The first time you try it, just do that much a few times. Notice that, as long as you maintain a firm grip, even a slight additional squeeze of your hand will stop any further motion instantly. You’re in charge. You’re in complete control of how much, how far in, and how many times.

And here’s the secret: guys don’t care whether it’s hand+mouth, or all mouth. With their eyes shut, they can’t tell the difference! It’s the firm pressure sliding up and down around the shaft of the penis that gives them the feeling of deep penetration and of being fully enclosed, but it’s the head (and only the head) that senses the warmth and moisture that men enjoy. As long as both parts feel what they crave, they’re happy.

If you can manage that much without any distress, you can find common ground that satisfies him without ruining the mood you’ve both worked hard to create, and that is critical if you are going to be able to relax and enjoy your own Yoni massage in just a few minutes.

However, even if you are fine with using strong oral stimulation to bring him to the edge of orgasm, I strongly recommend that you not finish by letting him ejaculate inside your mouth, at least not until you are much more experienced with Tantra.

Unless your partner is severely fixated on this as the only way to finish, you can actually learn to give him a more intense orgasm by lifting your head and finishing with your hands. It may take you a while to learn how to do this, but you can’t learn it if you can’t see and feel his reactions. With his penis in your mouth, you not only can’t see what is happening to him, you also are so overwhelmed with coping with the sensations and the flood of semen in your mouth that you lose track of what else is going on. While that’s happening, you cannot possibly concentrate on experiencing his orgasm as he experiences it.

In fact, for exactly these reasons, I would advise against doing anything more than a few very brief oral strokes while you are still learning to give a lingam massage and he is still learning how to receive one. I think it is much more important, especially at the point of orgasm, for you to be watching and absorbing as much as you can. You need to see every hand clench, brow furrow, and muscle tremor in order to learn your partner’s orgasmic curve and really understand how he is experiencing this event. And you can’t do that with your head down.


  1. Even the pre-cum scares me and grosses me out anytime it gets anywhere on my face and esp in my mouth. I don't even taste it - just the 'slimey' feeling makes me want to throw up. But I want to get past this. How?

  2. I don't know of any infallible way to fix this, but I think most women would get gradually desensitized just from giving regular lingam massages and repeatedly handling the precum (as well as the ejaculate) over time.

    Precum is actually pretty innocuous stuff. It's mainly water with some very long-chain proteins in it, which is what makes it slippery. In fact, it is a lot like egg whites in looks, feel, and chemistry, so perhaps that's something you could play around with to become more used to the feel.

    Just don't expect any quick solutions. Go slow and don't put too much pressure on yourself. Most people I know who have overcome phobias did so very gradually.

    Strictly from a tantra point of view, there's no need to push hard to overcome this phobia. You can give a great lingam massage with no oral at all. However, some men are so fixated on oral that they wouldn't be happy with that, so - depending on how your partner feels - there may be a good reason to try to gradually desensitize yourself. Good luck!