Sunday, October 13, 2013

Lingam massage: Happy Endings

[part 4 in a series that starts here]

When you first do a lingam massage on your guy, expect it to end suddenly in an unplanned way. That’s normal, and it’s pretty much the only way for the two of you to find out what his baseline sensitivity is where this kind of stimulation is concerned. Once it’s clear he’s about to come, unless he has asked you to take steps to stop the orgasm, just do whatever he likes best to help make it as intense as possible. Don’t be surprised if it takes some experimentation to discover what this is, since many men don’t know!

A key point: most women stop too soon when a man starts to ejaculate. Keep doing whatever you know feels good, adapting as necessary even as his penis starts to get soft, until he signals you to pause or stop. Even then, be prepared for him to ask you to resume after a slight pause. Many men can experience a string of orgasms, or “aftershocks,” during the minute or two after ejaculation, but they never get a chance to discover this with vaginal sex because habit and the softening of the penis prevents further thrusting.

About half of the men I interviewed said they didn’t want a lot of intense friction on the head of the penis while they were actually having an orgasm. What many preferred was having you surround the head and hold it firmly with one hand while pumping your other fist up and down on the shaft. Then after the last ejaculatory spasm, many of them really appreciate an immediate resumption of vigorous stimulation through one or more aftershocks. Often this post-ejaculatory stimulation needs to be faster and stronger than what came beforehand.

When he is finally finished, he will probably like it if you cup his balls with one hand and hold his penis or press it firmly against his body for a minute or two with the other. If he was able to make progress on his meditation during at least fifteen minutes or so of lingam massage, you will probably want to end here.

However, if he came much more quickly than he wanted to, allow him to rest for a short interval with your hands cradling his penis, and then ask him if he wants you to resume. If he does, you can practice variations on your massage strokes and discover what works best with a soft penis. Generally, strokes upward from below are best, or ones where you hold the shaft in one hand and stroke the glans or corona with the other hand or with your mouth or tongue.

Your primary goal here is not really to bring him to another climax, but to give him a chance to practice his meditation and controlled attention with the lower stimulus level natural to a soft penis. If you continue with at least a moderate level of stimulation right through the climax and ejaculation, he may find that, although his level of arousal does go down, it does not go down all that much, allowing him in effect to start over in the middle instead of at the beginning.

Of, course, if a second orgasm is possible, that’s even better. If he has a fairly short refractory period, just keep up the massage until he is hard again, and finish normally. But if you run out of stamina before then, gradually slow your pace, massage upward and outward along his stomach and chest, and move to a position where you can finish the massage with a full-body hug and a cuddle.

Often this period of “soft massage” is a revelation for a man, as it is the first time he has experienced sensual massage and arousal without the insistent focus of an erection. Many of the men I interviewed said that the experience of having two orgasms 20 to 30 minutes apart during lingam massage really helped them learn control. And with or without the second orgasm, learning what intense arousal feels like without an erection can be an important step for him toward becoming multi-orgasmic.


Once you get to the point where he can last as long as he can comfortably maintain his meditative state and can still encompass larger and larger areas of sexual arousal, you may need to experiment with “finishers.” Ask him for ideas and for feedback on what feels best.  He’s your best guide!

Essentially, this is when you break all the rules about how to delay an orgasm. It’s a good idea to add more lube when you get to this stage.  The simplest finisher is a firm pumping motion up and down the shaft and head with your hand in a tight fist. Another favorite finisher starts with you gripping the shaft and head with both hands, one above the other; then twist your hands back and forth in opposite directions. A different way to get a lot of rotation and friction is to grip the shaft and head between the flats of your hands and then move your hands rapidly in opposite directions, as if you were using a fire drill or turning a lump of clay or dough into a snake.

Try different things, but when you find something that works, keep doing it. This is not a time for variety just for its own sake!

Oral Endings

If you ask most men what gives them most intense sensation and brings them to orgasm the fastest, the majority will say oral. So it definitely deserves consideration for a place in your repertoire. However, I do not recommend finishing with oral while you are still learning Tantra.

In my experience, and this has been echoed by many of the men and women I interviewed, oral sex, particularly ejaculation during oral sex, makes learning Tantra harder.  It almost invariably jolts one or both partners out of the moment until they are quite experienced with both meditation and Tantra. In addition, it keeps the woman from learning the kind of vigorous continued stroking and stimulation that produces multiple aftershocks for the man.

In the next post I’m going to describe in some detail how to negotiate the hazards if you are determined to do so, but in general I believe you will be better off if you choose to avoid them for a while.

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