[part 2 in a series that starts here]
Over time, his control will improve, the massage will last longer, and you will be able to provide much more stimulation without pushing him over the top. However, I can’t begin to advise you on how long this will take. A few couples said it took six months or more before the man got good enough at meditation and attention control to experience the Tantric high and anything stronger than a normal orgasm. Other men were able to have a true Tantric orgasm in considerably less time than that, but only because their partners were really good at rationing out the stimulation in a way that prolonged the arousal stage. Only a few of the men turned out to be “naturals” who really caught on to orgasmic control in the first month or so.
This puts a lot of the responsibility for his success on you and your ability to get inside his sensations, understand his responses, and track his level of arousal, so it's essential that you study every reaction. Little cues, like a slight frown of concentration or a roughening of the breath, can speak volumes. Over time, you will learn how to tell when he is getting close to the brink and needs you to ease off or stop entirely. But to begin with, be extremely cautious.
If your partner is easily aroused, start so lightly that you are barely teasing him. Use just enough touch so it is not a tickle. Use the backs of your nails to stroke down his belly, along his inner thighs, and up from his perineum. Use your fingertips to tap a fast arpeggio on the shaft of his penis. Be light and playful as you do circles and swirls on the glans and corona with your fingertips or the tip of your tongue. Nip at his belly and inner thighs with your teeth. And never grip his penis with your whole hand and rub up and down until he’s ready to finish!
Strokes, rubs, licks, and kisses should be gentle, slow, and fairly brief, with regular rest periods in between during which you shift your attention to surrounding areas, particularly upward strokes from his groin to his chest. If he needs even more of a break and a distraction, move to where you can go back to doing a head and chest massage. Work your hands in deep circles on his pectorals and out to his shoulders, then slide them inward and up his neck and along his jaw, ending in a long deep kiss. Tease his tongue, nibble his lips, kiss the tip of his nose, trace his eyebrows with your fingertips, gently stroke his eyelids with the tip of your tongue, or do anything else that occurs to you that will be sensuous and loving and will still draw his attention away from the sensations in his groin.
You can go to the other end instead: rub his feet! Stroke along his Achilles tendon, around his ankle, and along both sides of his foot. Cup his heel with one hand and rub the top of the foot with the other. Bend, tug, and nibble his toes. Many people find a foot massage especially pleasurable when they are aroused, but also enough of a distraction from the groin to help flatten out the arousal curve. Try it and see!
If this isn’t enough of a distraction, I’ll be posting a description next week of several tricks you can use to head off a premature orgasm. If this turns out to be something you need to do regularly, consider incorporating The Squeeze into your regular routine: for about 30 seconds out of every 2 or 3 minutes, squeeze the head and upper part of the penis firmly enough to force the blood out of it.
This works best if you follow it with a time out, so do the squeeze, then shift your focus to his head and chest or his feet for a minute, then go back to the lingam massage, and repeat, in a 2- to 3-minute cycle. If you find that you can do this repeatedly without putting him over the top, you can take a guy who has been coming after 4 or 5 minutes of lingam massage and instead you can help him last 30-40 minutes or more.
When He Needs a BreakNot every guy is supersensitive. You may not have to go to these extremes, and even if you do, you may – and probably will – be able to shift to a less radical program after a while. Either way, though, you need to pay some attention to the 20- to 30-minute mark if your partner wants to sustain his arousal and meditation for longer than that. This is because of something about male physiology even most men don’t know: it’s difficult for many men to maintain a continuous erection for more than around 30 minutes.
The best guess is that this is a built-in safety factor. The blood being retained in the penis becomes steadily de-oxygenated and needs to be refreshed to avoid injury to the tissue in the penis. So even if he doesn’t lose his erection naturally, you should let him/help him go at least partially soft after no more than 30 minutes by shifting your attention elsewhere for longer than you normally would.
So the first point is, don’t be surprised if he’s been hard as a rock for 25 minutes or so and all of a sudden he goes soft. You didn’t do anything wrong and he didn't suddenly get bored! He just needed a break. Keep up the loving massage at about the same intensity, changing your touch only as much as necessary to adjust to his different firmness, and he will soon be back in action. If you panic and suddenly get extra vigorous trying to force the penis to stay hard, he may perk up only to come immediately, or he may come while he's still soft. (Yes, that can happen. Yes, most guys find it very disconcerting the first time it happens unexpectedly!)
And the second point is, even if he doesn’t go soft on his own, keep track and don’t let him go too long without a break. Many years ago, my partner and I were just learning Tantra and we were starting to get cocky(!) about how good his control was getting and how well I was helping him maintain it. He’d had several pretty intense two or three-chakra orgasms in earlier sessions and he was all set to finally experience a full-body orgasm.
Everything was going fine until what I later guessed was about 45 minutes into the lingam massage. He had been rock hard and fully aroused for that entire period and was way down in a deep meditative state, when suddenly a jolt of pain in his penis shook him out of it. It took him another five minutes to lose the erection, and an hour or more after that for his balls and penis to stop aching.
Needless to say, this was not a good way to end our Tantra session, and I have never forgotten since then to allow a small intermission in the middle when he wants an extra long session!
Tomorrow: Tips and tricks for a more intense massage!