BETTER SEX 101

This blog is mainly about tantric sex, and tantra is not for sexual novices. However, I can remember reading things about sex when I was young that were way over my head, and I suspect that there may be a few other curious novices out there doing the same thing with this blog.

In addition, the comments and emails I receive tell me that there are many people who are fairly experienced, at least in terms of having had sex fairly often, who still don't know a lot of the basics of human anatomy and good sexual practices.

So I wanted to step back for a moment and create a guide to the basics, the kind of "sex ed" that young people need, but rarely get.

(Note:  this guide was written for opposite-sex couples, but it should be fairly easy to adapt most things for same-sex couples and skip over the parts that are irrelevant.)

For Virgins

If you're looking forward to your first time and you want to know how to make it a success, here are two posts I wrote just for you:

• Aunt Shakti's Action Plan for Proactive Modern Virgins, and

• Aunt Shakti's Guide for Male Virgins

Good Sex:  the Basics

People love self-help and self-improvement books that promise instant results without any pain or effort. In the case of sex, it’s actually possible to write such a book without too much exaggeration (if you don’t mind padding a short article out to book length) because there are a few relatively simple things that would greatly improve sex for many couples.

More specifically, these simple steps would improve sex for many women and a lot of men, and we can hope that the rest of the men would be glad to go along because the women in their lives will be happier and more satisfied, and will thank them for being better lovers.

Here’s my 12-step summary for beginners:

1. Take your time. Fast, urgent sex is sometimes great fun, but it’s terrible as a steady diet. It’s particularly hard on women, who on the average take considerably longer to get sexually aroused than men do. (See #5 below.) If you are routinely spending less than half an hour on a sexual encounter, including foreplay, you are cheating yourselves.
2. Learn more about female anatomy. This applies to both men and women. If you’re unsure about where the parts are, what they do, how they are connected to each other both physically and neurologically, what they look like in different stages of arousal, and what usually makes them feel good, you’re really sailing in a fog. (Understanding male anatomy is good, too, but male arousal and orgasm are much more straightforward and a guy’s manly parts are right out there and easy to see, so there’s not such a mystery.) See the diagrams at the end of this article for a start.
3. Communicate! Communicate! Communicate! You have to tell each other what feels good, what gets you aroused, what hurts, and what is just a downer. Get over being shy about sex and talk about it. If necessary, get out a good diagram of the male and female bodies and go over it together, so you know what she means when she says rub that! It’s also a good icebreaker. Even better, get naked and have a show and tell, finding, touching and naming the parts on the charts.
4. Make sure you have a common language. If one of you says “fuck,” “dick,” “pussy,” and “asshole,” and the other says “intercourse,” “penis,” “vulva,” and “anus,” then every time the two of you try to talk about sex you’re going to be triggering class- and culture-based resistance that blocks communication. Find a common ground you can both accept. In general, my advice is to use the least formal words that are acceptable to the more formal person. Even if your partner’s sex vocabulary sounds ridiculously prim and proper to you, using his or her vocabulary will be less strain for you. Your partner will have a much harder time using your words, and will not be able to stop the feeling that they are stupid and vulgar and make sex seem dirty and nasty.
5. She comes first. Most men can reach orgasm without any problem. Most women, especially younger women, can’t simply hop in bed and expect an orgasm from straight vaginal sex. Until you really know how to satisfy each other completely, make her needs the priority. Guys, learn how to stimulate her vulva and clitoris with your fingers, lips, and tongue, a vibrator, or whatever works best for her. In many cases, that means using oral and manual stimulation to give her at least one orgasm before starting vaginal sex. Once you can get her to orgasm in one way, or in some combination, you can branch out to more variety.
6. Use lots of lube. Rubbing dry, delicate tissue hurts. A woman's natural lubrication can be quite unreliable and inconsistent, and it is not an accurate reflection of arousal. So, men, don't count on nature providing the lube she needs. Make sure her whole vulva, including her labia and clit, is slick before you go rubbing and poking down there. Ditto for the vagina. Use spit if you have to, but be generous and renew it often. I recommend silicone-based lubes. They are safe with condoms, silkier than oil, and much longer-lasting than water-based lubes. (Just don’t use silicone-based lubes with silicone sex toys.)
7. Nothing goes into her vagina until she’s fully aroused. That doesn’t just mean she’s a little damp around the entrance. The outer labia, the clit, and the inner walls of the vagina should all be noticeably swollen and the vulva should get a lot pinker or redder. Yes, I know, it’s hard to tell if the lights are low or she’s shy about you looking, but you can tell a great deal just by touch, particularly if you consciously notice and remember what things felt like at the very start. Her breathing should change, too, and she may get noticeably flushed, but you have to be familiar with a particular person to know how much is enough. So ask her to give you a signal when she's ready, and then wait for it!
8. Ladies, take charge. If you’re a woman, insist on rules 5, 6, & 7. Carry your own favorite lube and either make the guy use it or apply it yourself. Masturbate and explore your body on your own until you know how to tell for sure when you’re really ready for the next step. When you are ready, and not beforehand, give your partner a clear signal to go ahead. Too many women, especially young women, get intimidated into having bad sex, even painful sex, because they aren’t willing to speak up and tell guys what they need to do. And you know what? Most guys want to be good lovers, and they know deep down that they’re pretty clueless. But they don’t want to sound stupid, so they won’t ask you for help. As long as you’re nice and non-judgmental about it, your partner will almost always grateful for some guidance.
9. Guys, don’t pound away like you’re a human jackhammer. You may think you’re John Henry the Steel Driving Man, but she’s not going to applaud your performance if all you do is thrust as fast and as hard as you can. Slow down. Thrust gently, especially at first. Try different tempos. Switch between long, slow strokes and short, quick strokes. Feel and listen to her response. Try to catch her rhythm and match it. If you feel like you’re getting ahead of her, stop and shift to a position where you can massage her clit with your fingers while moving very slowly inside her. (Don’t forget the lube!) Let her get ahead of you – you can always catch up! She will love you for it.
10. Have a threesome with a vibrator. At a certain point “Ladies, take charge!" means taking responsibility for your own orgasms. If he’s not getting you fully aroused before penetration, ask him to hold and cuddle you while you stimulate yourself with your fingers or your favorite sex toy. He’ll learn a lot just by seeing what you do. If you get aroused enough for comfortable penetration, but still can’t climax with vaginal sex, try the cowgirl position. But don’t bounce up and down! Instead rock or slide forward and back, moving just enough to keep your partner erect while using your fingers or a vibrator to bring yourself to orgasm. You may find that it happens faster and is more intense with him inside you, and hearing and feeling you come may be all it takes to make him come. (If not, ride him hard until he does, and you may get a second orgasm as a bonus!)
11. Check out the back door. The anus is amazingly sensitive and can be a source of intense pleasure, if approached correctly – or intense pain if abused. Rule #1:  If it hurts, STOP! You’re doing it wrong! Get a book, preferably Tristan Taormino’s The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women 2nd Ed. Read it, think about it, get some anal toys, experiment on yourself, share the book with your partner, and then, if you both decide to go ahead, follow Tristan’s advice and use common sense.
12. Love matters. The hookup generation doesn’t know what it’s missing. The excitement that comes with having sex with a comparative stranger is real, but it fades fast. Time, patience, love, trust, shared language, true intimacy, knowledge of each other’s wants and needs – these don’t come with hookups. Most women, no matter how aggressive and independent they think they are about sex, simply cannot respond as fully with an uncaring stranger as with a loving and trusted partner. And young guys, in particular, are often satisfied with getting laid and have no idea what they are missing. All they know is that orgasms feel good, and getting one from a girl feels better than masturbating. Until they have experienced real intimacy and good sex, they have no clue how much better that can be.

You can get all this from hundreds of different books and websites. I repeated it here because a) there’s also a lot of bad advice out there, b) some readers of this blog may be young or inexperienced and not know some of these tips, and c) it only takes a few pages to make sure we’re all ON the same page, so why not?

This post is part of a blog about tantric sex, written mainly for couples. If you’re single, or you’re in a relatively new relationship and things are not going well, I’m certainly not going to discourage you from reading about tantra on this blog. It can really help to know what success looks like, even when you feel like you are discouragingly far away from it.

But I do somewhat want to discourage you from springing the idea of learning tantric sex on a partner or prospective partner until you have the sexual basics worked out and are comfortable with each other. I’ve heard of men hustling women with the line that they are tantric masters who can promise to give a woman a night in paradise. For myself, I’m skeptical about whether someone who has just read a book or blog about tantric sex could possibly do something as basic as a satisfactory yoni massage on a near-stranger without knowing a lot more about her body and her orgasmic curve than any book can teach.

In the meantime, though, there are a lot of things you can learn that will help make you better - more skilled, more knowledgeable, more confident, more joyful - in bed.

Some anatomical illustrations to get you started

Cross section view of the female reproductive system:

[Public domain image from the Wikimedia Commons; https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/1/1b/Illu_repdt_female.jpg]

The woman in this image is facing to her left. The "symphysis pubis" is the pubic bone, the hard horizontal bar you can feel just below the bikini line. The "mons pubis" is the hairy, fleshy pad that covers and cushions the pubic bone. The clitoris and the labia (or "lips") are described below. The anus isn't labeled; it's the outlet from the rectum at the lower right.

The G-spot isn't labeled either, partly because it's not really an anatomical structure. Instead, it's an area on the front wall of the vagina, about 1-2" from the entrance, that has special sensitivity for many women. In the image above, the arrow that points to the Vagina (in general) happens to point right at the upper edge of the G-spot. The arrow that points to the Urethra passes through the lower edge of the G-spot.

If you feel along the front wall of the vagina between those two spots when you are (or your partner is) already fully aroused, you may find what feels like a lumpy or corrugated region behind the wall of the vagina. That's the G-spot. But remember that not all women have extra sensitivity in this area.

What's wrong with that cross-section view?
Several things make this drawing look distorted. First, the bladder and rectum are drawn as if they were fully inflated. When empty, they both collapse into flat structures that take up much less space. So unless you need to go pee or poop, they collapse like deflated balloons.

Second, the vagina is shown stretched out straight and slightly open, like a hollow tube. In reality, the unaroused vagina is flat, not hollow, and the front and back walls are in full contact with each other unless something is holding them apart. The unaroused vagina is also normally somewhat crumpled, like an empty sock, because the uterus and cervix are usually positioned somewhat lower than shown in the illustration, which lets the unaroused vagina slump down into the pelvic cavity.

(When you become sexually aroused, the uterus gets pulled upward into the abdomen, pulling up on the cervix, which lengthens and straightens out the vagina in preparation for sex. But if you are just putting a tampon in, you may have noticed that you sometimes run into obstructions and have to follow something of a zigzag path. That's because of the crumpling that occurs when everything in there is relaxed and pushed down.)

Third, only about half of all women have a uterus that folds forward and rests on the bladder as shown in this drawing. For the other half, it tips backward and rests on the rectum, or it is angled somewhere between those extremes. This changes the angle of the cervix and the location where it attaches to the vagina. This can make some important differences in how two people's genitals fit together. (See "The Fabulous Fornix" for more on the difference this can make.)

The vulva or pussy (female external genital area):

[Public domain image from the Wikimedia Commons; https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/b/b7/Vulva_labeled_english.jpg/526px-Vulva_labeled_english.jpg]

Not shown:  The clitoral shaft is hidden under the clitoral hood. The shaft also extends for a considerable distance up behind the mons pubis. The "legs" and "bulbs" of the clitoris then extend downward behind the labia and on either side of the introitus or vaginal orifice (opening). This extended internal part of the clitoris responds to stimulation from the outside as well as through the front wall of the vagina, in the area commonly known as the "G-spot."

The Clitoris

The head of the clit is often said to be the size of a pea or pencil eraser, but it can vary quite a lot in size. In fact, clitorises vary much more in size than penises do. Some clits are completely hidden by the clitoral hood (above), or are small but still visible when aroused, while others (below) are much larger and quite prominent. All sizes are "normal" and there doesn't seem to be much, if any, functional difference, although a tiny clit can certainly be harder for a man to find.

Source: Befke's World (tumbler 119547706886)

Below:  The glans, shaft, and legs of the clitoris are shown in the darker color on the right. The legs surround the "bulbs of vestibular" of the clitoris that are right behind most of the vulva and on either side of the vaginal opening. You can see from this that only a tiny part of the clit is actually visible, even when the hood ("prepuce") is retracted.

[Public domain image from the Wikimedia Commons;

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/7/79/Vulva_Figure_28_02_02.jpg

Source: Anatomy & Physiology, Cnx.org/content/col11496/1.6/, Jun 19, 2013.]

Vulvas differ A LOT in appearance

Compare the photos above with the photos below. Vulvas differ much more than penises do. As my gynecologist friend says, "There's no such thing as a standard model vulva."

For example, the woman pictured below is an "outie":  her clitoral hood is clearly visible and her inner lips (labia minora) extend past her outer lips (labia majora). Some women have inner lips that are much wider, with rippled or scalloped edges. Also, the left and right inner lips can be quite different sizes.

Source: Iamindiarose, CC BY-SA 4.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0>, via Wikimedia Commons

Other women have inner lips that are much narrower and are entirely hidden inside the unaroused vulva. (See the left-hand picture in the pair labeled "What female sexual arousal looks like," further down.)

Colors vary, too, and even fair-skinned women can have inner lips that have dark brown or even purplish edges.

Some outer lips are thinner (below left) than others, while some are quite a bit thicker (second from the top); some meet in the middle, while others leave a gap.

What female sexual arousal looks like:

"In the left image female genitalia are in the resting state. In the right image the female is sexually aroused, the vulva is moist and the labia are slightly swollen." (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vulva#Excitement)

Notice that this woman is an "innie"—her clit and inner lips (labia minora) are tucked away inside the outer lips (labia majora) in the resting state and are barely visible when she's aroused unless the outer lips are held apart.

Arousal

As shown above, most of the clitoris is hidden. The shaft is covered by the clitoral hood and the clitoral "legs" and "bulbs" extend down behind the vulva and around the vaginal opening.

The entire clitoris can become aroused and suffused with blood, including all the hidden parts. However, it takes time, usually 20-30 minutes of effective stimulation, for this to happen.

Women naturally experience the greatest pleasure and the strongest orgasms when fully aroused, and many women are simply incapable of having an orgasm, even a weak one, without reaching full arousal.

This is one of the main reasons why so many women (70-80% in most studies) say they seldom or never have orgasms during "normal" sex. Most men either aren't aware of how much time is required to get their partners fully aroused or else they are too impatient to take the time and make the effort before they begin vaginal penetration and thrusting.

Even if enough time is allowed, physical and emotional tension can inhibit arousal and orgasm for many women, so it is also essential to remove as many sources of tension as possible. A woman who feels relaxed, confident, and safe is far more likely to become aroused and to have an orgasm.

Large Labia

Apparently some women feel self-conscious about having inner lips that stick out. Or they worry that a man will be repelled by their vulva because it has an unusual appearance.

This is based on understandable ignorance, since most straight woman aren't in a position to see other women's genitals up close. So, instead, they compare themselves to marble statues and prepubescent girls, not realizing how much variety is normal and expected for a woman's vulva.

Some women have gone so far as to have "labioplasty" operations to change their vulva's appearance. These operations have led to a rash of side-effects and complications including scarring, numbness, and pain during sex.

In reality, more than half of all women are "outies," so longer lips are very common, and men seem to be universally fascinated by the variety and not at all turned off by an unusual appearance. If you get any surprised comments from an inexperienced lover because your vulva looks different from the images he saw in some book or video, I strongly recommend sending him to websites like the Labia Library or r/labia to discover for himself just how much normal variation there is.

Ironically, given some women's concern with purely cosmetic issues, it is the women with the smallest inner labia who miss out to some extent during sex. In some cases the inner labia are so narrow (a quarter inch or less) that a lover has nothing to spread, caress, lick, or play with. At the opposite extreme, a pair with frilled or scalloped edges or that spreads out like butterfly wings offers a creative lover much more scope for giving a woman pleasure.

Women and Pubic Hair

One obvious way that the pictures above are abnormal is that I've chosen ones without any pubic hair in order to make the anatomy easier to see. In many cultures this is rare, and in some it is considered decadent or obscene. On the other hand, it sometimes becomes fashionable and may seem almost mandatory. This happened in certain circles in the U.S. not too long ago, though the fashion now seems to be fading.

Pubic hair does provide some protection for sensitive anatomy, but the benefit appears minor, so whether it is removed, trimmed, or maintained in its natural state should be entirely up to its owner.

One factor that may affect your choice is how abundant your pubic hair is naturally. Some people have very little, while others have luxurious thickets, covering a great deal of the inner thigh as well as the crotch and lower abdomen.

Most people I know who have shaved completely have found that keeping the entire area bare is just too much hassle over the long run. Shaving the outer labia, in particular, often leads to nicks, razor bumps, and stubble, while waxing is complicated, expensive, and painful, and all of the choices are time-consuming. By all means try it if you and your partner like the bald look, but be aware that there are no simple, hassle-free ways to keep it immaculate.

My own preference, as someone with a lot of hair down there, is to shave my legs all the way up, shave above the bikini line, trim all the hair in the bikini zone to about an inch, and use conditioner to keep it soft. This avoids having an irritating stubble in the genital area while still making sure that pubic hairs won't get in the way of oral. (Also, I'm short, skinny, and flat-chested, so if I go completely bare down there I look way too much like a little girl!)

The male genitals:



[Public domain image from the Wikimedia Commons; author: Coastone; https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/e/e9/Penis_with_Labels.jpg]

The wrinkled area below and behind the shaft is the scrotum, containing the testes or testicles. Urine and semen emerge from the “meatus” or urethral opening.

The development of a penile erection, also showing the foreskin gradually retracting over the glans:

[Public domain image from the Wikimedia Commons; author: OrlandoDL; https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/2/2b/Erection_Development.jpg]

Once again, appearances vary a lot! Some penises are straight, some are even more curved than the one shown, and some curve left or right or down instead of up. The shaft can be longer, shorter, thicker, or thinner than shown. The glans (head) can be wider, thinner, or more bulbous. The scrotum can be longer and looser, allowing the testicles to hang down further. And, of course, circumcised men don't have a foreskin, so the glans is always exposed instead of being covered when the penis is relaxed.

The relaxed penis can be almost the same length as the erection, or it can be much shorter, as shown in the first frame. (In the vernacular, 'some men are showers, and others are growers.') And the angle of the erection can vary from quite upright (a bit more vertical than shown) to straight out at a 90 degree angle or all the way down to pointing at the floor. It's the firmness, not the angle that matters.

Cross-section view:

[Public domain image from the Wikimedia Commons; author: Elf Sternberg; https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/d/d1/Male_anatomy_en.svg]

Unlabeled
The corona is the thickened ridge around the edge of the glans penis (the head of the penis). The whole glans is sensitive to pressure and friction, but for many men the corona is especially so.

The frenulum is a small, sensitive membrane on the underside of the shaft of the penis, right where it joins the head. In the drawing above, it's on the part of the shaft that is closest to the top of the testis (testicle). In uncircumcised men, like the ones shown above, it is a membrane that attaches the foreskin to the shaft. In circumcised men, some or all of the frenulum may have been removed. What remains is often a thin line that runs for an inch or so from the head of the penis down the center of the shaft, right over the urethra.

The perineum, or "taint," is the space between the legs at the very bottom of the pelvic area, between the scrotum and the anus.

Notice that the root of the penis is located inside the body, above the perineum. The root is almost as long as the exposed external part of the penis, and it is sensitive to pressure in many of the same ways.

Massaging either the perineum or the front wall of the rectum also massages the prostate gland, a form of stimulation that many men enjoy.

Penis size

This can be a big source of anxiety for men, although it shouldn't be for most. To find out where you and your sex partner(s) really stand in terms of size, and what difference that makes, if any, please read this:

    How Much Does Penis Size Matter?

Premature Ejaculation (PE)

This is very common among young men, especially those who are sexually inexperienced. It usually fades with time, but it can be extremely frustrating for both people if you let it become an obstacle to good sex. If, instead, you follow Rule #5: She comes first, and make sure the woman has at least one orgasm before you start vaginal sex, PE can be nothing more than a nuisance, or a project that the two of you can work on together.

If you want to be more active about increasing your stamina, I put together a thorough collection of resources and information to assist you:

    The Best Ways to Control Premature Ejaculation

Tips for Men about Pubic Hair

Most people think of managing pubic hair as a woman's issue, but it can actually be more important for men.

If you're male, take a good look at your penis and scrotum. Many men have hairs growing out of the shaft of the penis itself and don't realize it. And almost all men have hairs growing upward around the base.

Those hairs can be a major turnoff for anyone giving you oral. If they get in her teeth or her throat, you can expect her activities to come to a screeching halt while she deals with it. Hacking up a hair that is caught in her throat can take a while and it sounds and feels incredibly unsexy and unromantic, so it's a big buzzkill at best.

My advice to any man is to make sure that both the shaft itself and the area right around the base of the penis are kept completely hair-free. My partner uses a multi-bladed manual razor and it takes him only a minute or two per week to swipe the hairs from the shaft and the base.

I also recommend using scissors every week or two to trim the bush above the penis to an inch or so if yours grows much longer than that. Some men prefer to shave it completely, and some women prefer it that way. (If in doubt, ask!)

One interesting tidbit: trimming or shaving the long pubes down there can make a man's penis appear larger from his own perspective, contributing to a subtle confidence boost.

But what about the balls? Most men have a lot of long hairs growing from the scrotum. If you don't care about getting oral in that area, that's fine. But if you like having your balls licked and sucked, you need to learn how to shave your scrotum and then keep it hair-free. This takes longer, perhaps 10 minutes a week, but it is definitely worth it.

A lot of men are scared to take a razor down there. Don't be. Modern multi-bladed razors work fine as long as you stretch the skin smooth.

However, do NOT try using an electric razor on your penis or scrotum unless the razor is specifically designed for that purpose. The result can be bloody and painful!

More Tips and Ideas

This post is part of a book-length collection of articles with a lot of information and practical advice about good sex. It's intended for individuals who want to be better in bed and especially for couples who want to have great sex that will be sustainable in a long-term relationship, without fading away or getting stale.

Here's the whole collection:

• A Beginner's Guide to Good, Great, and Amazing Sex

Enjoy!

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