Tuesday, October 31, 2017

A Beginner's Guide to Good, Great, and Amazing Sex

An old friend of mine did a really cool thing last month. She combed through the non-Tantra posts that I have scattered through this blog and organized them into what amounts to a sex ed handbook. Although she called it "A Beginner's Guide," it's really for anyone who wants to have better sex.

She goes by the name "TantraGirl" on Reddit, and this was her original post.  It was a labor of love, and she has kindly granted permission for me to quote her. All of the comments below were written by her:

Getting started

Focus on him

Focus on her

  • How Women Can Become (More) Orgasmic -- thorough discussion of the learning process, with links to many good resources.
  • OMG Yes!!! -- a terrific app that will teach you more than you ever imagined about how to stimulate the clit and vulva with your fingers. If you own a clit, you need this; if you love someone who owns a clit, you need this. It's charming, funny, and fascinating!
  • The Mystery of Arousal and Vaginal Wetness -- no, wetness does NOT necessarily reflect your/her level of sexual arousal, which is why you should always have lube available and use it when needed.
  • Woman on Top - Sex in the "Cowgirl" Position -- describes many good things you can do with a favorite, but sometimes tricky, position.


  • Stress and Arousal -- an introduction to the "Dual Control" theory of sexual inhibition and arousal, with a link to a short quiz that will help you figure out where you fit in.
  • Understanding Vaginismus -- what is happening when the vagina clenches tight and penetration causes pain?
  • Understanding VVS / Vulvodynia -- VVS is another major cause of painful intercourse. It generally manifests as a stinging or burning sensation on contact, not as tightness.
  • How to learn to enjoy sex -- advice for a sex-positive asexual woman who really wants to be able to enjoy sex. (There's a significant overlap with "How Women Can Become (More) Orgasmic" in terms of the references at the end.)
  • Escaping a Dead Bedroom -- Shakti's own story about how she and her guy got stuck, how they fixed it, and how a self-described "unsexy nerd with low libido" ended up having great sex and becoming a sex blogger.

Taking sex to the next level

  • Understanding the Male Orgasm -- explains the neurochemistry of the male orgasm, why problems happen, why ejaculations end erections, what causes the "refractory period," and how some men are able to have orgasms without ejaculations.
  • Multiple Orgasms for Men and Women -- this is a multi-part collection that is actually mostly for men; it includes a detailed guide for guys who want to learn how to have several orgasms in a row without losing their erections in between.
  • The Most Intense Orgasm for Women -- describes a full-body orgasm, a continuous orgasm, and the "body-sharing illusion" that can include orgasms.
  • The Fabulous(?) Fornix -- hitting the cervix is usually bad, but some people report extra pleasure from fitting the tip of the penis into the recess that surrounds the cervix; it requires a good genital fit and just the right angles.
  • What Lesbian Couples Can Teach Straight Couples About Good Sex -- talks about the importance of taking enough time for good sex and the danger getting caught in the rut of having nothing but routine sex at bedtime.
  • Bad, good, and magnificent sex -- it turns out that "magnificent sex" is fairly well defined and isn't idiosyncratic after all. (Who knew?)
  • What is Tantric Sex? -- the secular kind of tantric sex that Shakti teaches is completely different from the "spiritual" fluff you see on the web. It's sensual, fun, and intensely orgasmic, and it works. It's one of the most straightforward and practical ways for any loving couple to achieve "magnificence" in the bedroom.

Sex and evolution

These are are a pair of long speculative articles on evolution that I'm sticking in here, mainly because I think they're cool and fascinating and I don't have another good place for them:

  • Sex and the Evolution of Pleasure -- Why is sex so much fun for humans even though sex isn't pleasurable for most animals, and even though the drive to reproduce doesn't require pleasure as a motivation?
  • The Evolution of the Clitoris -- The fun button is the ONLY organ whose sole function is pleasure. So why is it so badly placed to produce orgasms during normal sex?


  1. i am a 20 year old man, i have been noticing that my erection has become weak, i really worried , i used to mastrubate frequently but i have stopped from the last 10 days ...what do i do?

    1. 1. Try wearing a cockring during sex. You may have a "venous leak," and sometimes a cockring or strap is all that's required.

      2. Start working out. Join a gym or a CrossFit "box" and get into shape. ED in the 20s is often a couch potato issue. And stop smoking if you smoke! It's a boner killer.

      3. See your doctor. ED in a young guy can be a symptom of other problems, ranging from diabetes to depression. Be sure to review all drugs you're taking, including prescription, OTC, and recreational.

      4. Get a prescription for Viagra, Cialis, or Trimix. The pills are effective for ~70%, Trimix is effective for most of the remaining 30%. Ask for a generic if available where you live.