For Girls & Women – First Time Masturbation Without a Vibe

This was an interesting question:

How can a woman masturbate and reach orgasm without sex toys?

This was my answer:

You don't need toys, but they do make it easier.  In most cases, the reason for not getting a vibrator or dildo is lack of privacy, but you can cope with that with a little bit of ingenuity.  

However, most women can manage without them.

Assuming you haven't done this before, here's a good twelve step program for learning how to have solo sex:

Step One: Pick your time and place wisely.  Turn off your phone, and make sure you will have complete privacy and won't be interrupted.

Step Two: Arrange a comfortable place.  It can be your bed, a nest of pillows on the couch or in a corner, or anywhere comfortable with a bit of support for your shoulders and head.  Put a comfortable towel wherever your butt is going to be.

Step Three: Get some oil or lube ready.  A quarter cup of any plain vegetable oil will do.  Try to find a wide, low jar, bottle, glass, or dish for it that won't spill easily.  (And, if you get a chance, warm it up before step six.)

Step Four: Get completely relaxed!

• Go for a swim or a run, ride a bike, do sit ups, climb a rope, whatever it takes to get your muscles working and get to a state of pleasant tiredness. 
• Take a nice long bath or shower.  Really pay attention to the sensations of the water on your skin. 
• Using your hands, not a rough cloth, wash yourself all over with long, firm sensual strokes.  Give plenty of attention to anything that feels good, but don't get soap or water inside your vagina or anus.
• Dry off, paying attention again to how nice the towel feels
• Meditate if you know how

Step Five (optional): Read or watch something that you know turns you on.  I recommend against going on the Internet and just cruising for porn at this point unless you are very knowledgeable.  It's more likely to be frustrating or distracting than it is to get you in the mood, so try to stick with something you already know gets you hot.  If that's looking at pix of your favorite celebrity crush and fantasizing about him, that works too!

Step Six:  Warm the oil if possible.  (Test it on your wrist to be sure it is just warm, not hot!)  Then use your hands to separate your labia and rub oil over the whole area between them (called the vestibule), from the clitoris at the top down to the vaginal opening.  Use a finger or two to work some oil into the vagina.

Step Seven:  Rub, press, tap, stroke, and play with everything in that zone.  Try using your fingers to slide the clitoral hood around over your clitoris, up and down, sideways, and in circles.  Squeeze it, tap on it, or press hard on it with your fist.  Probe inside your vagina or massage around the opening.  Squeeze your labia together and rub them up and down.  Add oil as needed.  Use a bit of extra oil to rub your nipples too.

Continue step seven until you find something that feels good, then keep doing it!  Experiment from time to time with other movements, but keep coming back to what works.  If you find two things that feel good, alternate or combine them.  The reason you should keep experimenting is that some things don't feel like anything special at the start, but start to feel really good after you get aroused. 

[If you need more specific instructions or inspiration, there's a terrific website that provides really cool video tutorials. Here's a review: OMG Yes!!!]

Step Eight:  When you find something good, or a good combination, settle into a rhythm.  When you don't need to think about your hands too much, start to fantasize about your favorite crush doing to you exactly what most turns you on.  Only you know what your fantasies are, but remember, they're JUST fantasies.  As long as they stay inside your head, they aren't wrong and they aren't going to hurt anyone else.  So be bold, be bawdy, be raunchy, be weird, be wild!  Be the star and the director of your own RomCom, softcore, hentai, or XXX movie!

Step Nine:  Hopefully, this step will take care of itself.  If everything goes well, you should feel increasing urgency and a need to go faster or harder.  Your breathing and heart rate will speed up, a lot of your muscles may tighten, you'll feel like you're about to explode...and then you do!  Enjoy!  That's an orgasm!

Step Ten: As you come back down to earth, keep (or resume) doing whatever you were doing, but more slowly.  After a while, if you have the stamina, pick up the pace again and loop back to Step Eight.  Do this as many times as you can.  Each additional orgasm takes much less time and effort than the first one, so don't waste the opportunity!

Step Eleven: When you're really done, slow down gradually, and then cup your hand over your whole crotch area.  Press firmly on your mound and vulva, and use your other hand to gently rub your breasts, belly, and thighs.  Good job!

Step Twelve:  Towel off any excess oil, tidy up the area, hide any incriminating evidence, and put the towel where it will get washed.  (Vegetable oil will go rancid in a few days if you just shove it in a closet.)  

Congratulations!  Do the whole program several times and continue to experiment with different touches until you really get to know what works well for you.  When you've figured out what works best for you, you can start working out what parts of the program you can skip.  Many women can do without the warmup activities and the lube, and manage an orgasm in 20 minutes or less with just their fingers because they know their own bodies and they know just where to put how much friction and pressure.

FAQ
How long does it usually take?
It depends.  If it's your first time, I've heard people say anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour once they get settled into serious masturbation.  Try to allow about 90 minutes for the whole thing, or longer if you get serious about the physical exercise.

What if it didn't work?
Try again as soon as possible!  If it doesn't work for you the first time, the biggest reasons are:

• not private/scared of interruptions
• that voice in my head keeps telling me it's a sin
• not enough time
• didn't get really relaxed first
• antidepressants, anti-anxiety drugs, or other meds that block or delay orgasms
• just the awkwardness of learning to do things the first time

Whatever it was that was getting in the way, try hard to fix it.  The second time will be easier, since you'll know the script and you'll have a better idea of what works and what doesn't.  Most girls get it within a few tries.

What if it still doesn't work?
If you can feel the pressure for an orgasm building and building, but you can never quite get it to release, you need to figure out some way to give yourself permission to let go.  I've had women tell me they hung for the longest time because of a fear of losing control.  So keep telling yourself, it's okay to let go!

A special case:  some women interpret the increasing sexual tension as an urgent need to pee, so they build right up to the edge of an orgasm and then jump up and run to the toilet, where - as often as not - nothing happens.  

Here's the key thing you need to know about that:  the urethral sphincter clamps shut as soon as you get sexually aroused.  It's almost impossible to pee when you're anywhere close to having an orgasm!  This is just your body getting confused between two different signals coming from the same part of the body.  If you can't resolve it through will-power, try masturbating in the tub and give yourself permission to pee if that's what happens.  It won't, but you'll feel safer and be much more likely to orgasm.

If none of those things apply, it's time to get a vibrator. I like a deep rumbly kind, like the classic Hitachi Magic Wand. The Vibratex Mystic Wand is similar, but cordless and waterproof, so you can use it in the tub as well as in bed.

There are many other great toys out there, but it's worth looking at review sites (like Oh Joy Sex Toy) for toys that are safe and effective. Just don't buy super-cheap hard plastic toys. They're useless and don't last.

Another excellent alternative is a pulsating shower head.