A NOTE TO READERS

Dear readers,

I thought I was going to be able to get at least one couple profile written and posted this week, but that now looks doubtful.  It's going to take me a few more days to go through all my notes - over fifteen hundred pages! - and identify the couples whose profiles would be most interesting and most different from each other.  Then I need to spend some time creating narratives from my notes on those couples.  And on top of that, my partner and I will be traveling to see both of our families next week, so it may be a while before I resume regular posting.

In the meantime, I would love to hear from you!  Please feel free to post any questions or comments you have below.  If that's too public for you, you can write to me at:
shaktiamarantha ( at ) gmail.com.

My Sources: The Tantric Couples

I first began to think that Tantra was being mismarketed when I realized that almost all of the experienced Tantrics I met were partners in long-term, loving relationships. I met blissfully happy young couples. Boring old married couples. Funky, odd, edgy couples. Stodgy, unglamorous, salt of the earth, incredibly normal couples. Childless couples, parents, and grandparents; PTA members, bikers, opera lovers, marathoners; churchgoers, mystics, and atheists; young, middle-aged, and retired couples. But in nearly every case these were people who came in pairs and were deeply attached to each other.

Using Kegels to Create NEOs

[this is the last of five posts on male multiple orgasms, starting here]   

Let’s take a second or two to review six ways to delay an orgasm, typically before reaching the "point of no return":

• The Squeeze: Squeeze the blood out of the head of the penis for 30 seconds.
• The Tug: When the cremaster muscle pulls the testicles up against the base of the penis before orgasm, tug the scrotum and testicles down again and away from the penis.
• The Push: Like pushing out a bowel movement, but more gently. (Also called a "Reverse Kegel.")
• The Spread: Spread your legs very wide (like doing the splits).
• The Kegel: Clench your PC (kegel) muscles hard.
• The Poke: Use the tips of your fingers to press hard on the spot in the middle of the perineum where you can feel a small depression. (NOT recommended!)

"Natural" Multiple Orgasms for Men

[fourth of five posts on male multiple orgasms, starting here]   

By the time they are 50 or 60, most men will have experienced a "dry" orgasm that just happens for no apparent reason. They have the feeling of an orgasm and the throbbing sensation in their penis, but the contractions don't produce any semen. It also doesn't necessarily end in a lost erection, but the man may stop thrusting out of habit because it feels like he's finished, and he may or may not notice that his erection takes longer to fade away, or that he could have continued. If it happens during PIV, he may not even notice that he hasn't ejaculated.

One plausible conjecture is that the man has done something, or had some random thought, that distracted him just as the orgasm was unfolding and it caused his brain to skip a step, the signal to the glands to discharge their ingredients into the urethra. (This is our natural model for the intentional NEO.)

Natural NEOs are full strength, but there are two other kinds of weaker nonstandard orgasms, which we call "foreshocks" and "aftershocks," that many men experience at least occasionally during the lead up to a full orgasm or in the immediate aftermath of one.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, an aftershock can be a second ejaculation, but that’s rare. It’s almost always a dry or mostly dry orgasm that can occur with continued stimulation of the penis in the aftermath of an ejaculatory orgasm.

Aftershocks

An aftershock can occasionally happen during vaginal sex if the penis stays firm enough to support additional thrusting and, especially, if the woman is having a powerful continuous orgasm with intense contractions and a lot of vocalization and pelvic movement. The desire to help her continue her orgasm is often the motivation for continued thrusting even as the penis gets softer, and the exchange of reinforcing signals between the two partners can often provide a great deal of non-physical stimulation, particularly with a couple who are deeply connected and aware of each other’s reactions and sensations.

However, aftershocks are more likely to occur during a lingam massage. In fact, this is probably the most common circumstance for Tantric males to experience them, since their partners can easily learn how to effectively stimulate the penis even as it grows softer.

Some men report that aftershocks sometimes or often feel as if they are straining to push out the very last drop of semen. That is, they have urethral contractions even though there is little or no semen to expel.

It is worth paying special attention to any aftershock like this that includes this feeling of ejaculatory pumping, but produces little or no fluid. This is a pure non-ejaculatory orgasm (NEO), and learning what it feels like can be helpful in learning to trigger a NEO intentionally before having an EO.

Foreshocks

Foreshocks are basically small natural NEOs, not triggered by a kegel. They are usually weaker than a full NEO or EO. Often, men who experience a foreshock are edging or being edged with a start-stop technique, repeatedly pausing stimulation to hold off ejaculation. This can trigger a foreshock, a low-intensity NEO that is more of a tingle or mild electric shock sensation, usually with some weak contractions. But unless the man or his partner immediately backs off on the level of stimulation, he will almost immediately have another foreshock or an ejaculatory orgasm. If they do this several times, each foreshock will usually be more intense, until normal ejaculation occurs.

However, stop-start edging is not the only situation in which foreshocks occur. Some men experience foreshocks naturally after a very prolonged arousal period. If my partner and I extend his lingam massage for more than around 30 minutes, he will occasionally have two or three foreshocks of gradually increasing intensity before having an intense full-body orgasm. These foreshocks do not require kegels and usually do not involve the discharge of much, if any, seminal fluid.

True NEOs, in addition to being stronger than foreshocks, will be separated from each other by a longer period, a distinct interval with a drop and rise in arousal level that lasts at least a minute and can take 5 minutes or more. By contrast, a sequence of 2 or 3 foreshocks followed shortly by a full orgasm can take as little as 30-60 seconds, with no drop in arousal, only a continuing increase.

A series of foreshocks seems to be the closest most men can come to the female continuous orgasm, or "status orgasmus," which is a series of mild to moderate orgasms that happen so close together they feel like overlapping waves. The male experience can seem even more like that if the main ejaculatory orgasm is followed by several aftershocks as well, which is quite common. (See Alan’s description here.) Unfortunately, I don’t know of any way to learn to do this except for what I have already described for learning Tantra with your partner. As you get really good at extending the arousal pattern, this may happen … or it may not.

Age and Natural Dry Orgasms

Or it may not happen for years, and then start happening as you get older. I don’t know whether the connection is with age, per se, or years of experience with Tantra, or some combination of both, but in my very non-random sample it seems to be more common among men older than 40. I interviewed three men who were older than 60 and all three of them reported that it happened at least occasionally for them.

There’s another connection with aging. These three men (aged 63, 65, and 70) all had at least some experience with “natural” NEOs that were not followed by an EO. These were not intentional NEOs. In fact, these men often didn’t realize that they were having a “dry” orgasm until their partners commented on the lack of semen during the cleanup afterward, and none of them felt unsatisfied or unfinished as a result. But these natural NEOs do seem to be related to how much time has passed since a previous ejaculation.

ED drugs (especially the injectables) greatly increase the likelihood that this will happen, by enabling the older man to have a full erection much sooner after a previous ejaculation, and therefore encouraging him to have an orgasm before he is ready for another ejaculation.

The volume of semen tends to decline with age. One effect of this reduction is that older men are less likely to say that NEOs are less enjoyable than EOs. Young men usually report getting pleasure from the large pulse of semen being forcefully expelled during ejaculation, and they miss this during an NEO. Over time, however, the volume of semen and the force of ejaculation both decline, so ejaculation becomes a less important part of the overall pleasure in the act.

At the same time, older men seem to be more likely to report increased pleasure from the tactile stimulation of the penis, probably because they usually take longer to become aroused and take longer to reach orgasm, so there is simply longer for more intense sensations to build up. While the two may roughly balance out for normal orgasms, the balance shifts toward greater pleasure (or less of a reduction in pleasure) from NEOs as men get older.

Dry Orgasms and Younger Men

This leads to the possibility that even much younger men can also have NEOs by pushing the pace and, indeed, young men who have a lot of normal orgasms in a very short period may also report experiencing “dry” orgasms.

Take the case one of my interviewees described. When he was 17, his normal refractory period was around 5 to 10 minutes. He and his girlfriend had sex five times in a little over an hour. Each time he ejaculated, he lost his erection and he and his partner switched to oral sex, first for her and then for him, and then back to vaginal sex as he recovered. Each time, it took longer for him to reach orgasm.

After four ejaculations and four recovery intervals, the fifth episode of vaginal sex went on so long that his girlfriend got sore. She switched back to oral sex to bring him to completion. This orgasm was strong, but entirely non-ejaculatory, and this time he did not lose his erection. He wanted to continue, but his girlfriend refused. After she left, he tried to masturbate to completion and finally had another dry orgasm. Afraid that he was doing harm to himself, he then stopped, and was relieved to find everything back in working order again the next day.

As these events indicate, this can work, but it isn’t the most practical or useful way to become multi-orgasmic. Nevertheless, it does suggest that, especially for men who are long out of their teens, it may be easier to experience an NEO for the first time by deliberately practicing masturbation exercises right after an extended sexual encounter.

If you are practicing the Kegel clenches described in my next post, the best time to do it may be immediately after sex, especially Tantric sex.  Just experiencing an NEO can be a big help in learning how to block ejaculation, because it teaches you what it feels like to have on orgasm without the ejaculation, so you know what you’re aiming for.

Ways That Men Can Be Multi-Orgasmic

[third of five posts on male multiple orgasms, starting here]   

This topic can get confusing in a hurry because there are several completely different ways for a man to have multiple orgasms, and a lot of people just lump them all together. So it’s probably a good idea to spell out the different types and approaches separately. I’m going to start In this post by clearing the decks of the two hardest. Then tomorrow we'll look at the ones most men will actually be able to experience.

Multiple Orgasms for Men: Some History

[Note:  this is the second of a five part series on male multiple orgasms]   

For many men, the hardest thing about learning to have multiple orgasms is believing that it’s possible. The link between orgasm and ejaculation is so strong in our culture that it’s hard to believe that it’s arbitrary and that it can be broken with a bit of effort. For this reason, I’m going to take a detour and walk you through a bit of the research and the process by which a few people managed to document the real situation and dispel some of the myths.

Multiple Orgasms for Men

[Note:  this is the first of five posts on male multiple orgasms]   

For most men, alas, having multiple orgasms isn’t quite as simple as “just keep going.” It’s true that most men who practice tantric sex will experience multiple orgasms sooner or later, quite naturally, and some men can pretty much count on having one or more additional orgasms after ejaculation during lingam massage. But few men can be consistently and intentionally multi-orgasmic unless they have deliberately learned how to have an orgasm without an ejaculation.

Multiple Orgasms for Women

Having one orgasm is great. Having many is even better!

Your motivation can be as simple as that, and for most women it is. Fortunately, for most of us, once you’ve learned how to have one orgasm, there’s no special trick to having multiple orgasms. Just keep going!

Anal Play: A Very Sensitive Subject

Several ancient illustrations of Tantric sex clearly show anal stimulation, and perhaps for that reason, it has often had a featured role in the way various gurus have taught modern Tantric sex, even though the topic is controversial and turns many people off.

I was interested to find that roughly a third of the couples I interviewed do incorporate some form of anal stimulation or play into their routines. However, I’ve left it out of the instructions until now because it’s clearly optional and it does trigger some very negative reactions.

Vibes and Toys - A Tantra Taboo

Okay, after yesterday's historical digression, I'm going to go back to variations on the Tantric theme.  When I began interviewing experienced Tantrics, I didn't know what to expect.  I didn't even know if there would be general agreement on the basic outlines of the Tantric ritual, and was a little surprised that most people stuck fairly close to the same general plan of action.  

On the other hand, there are some things the gurus say so forcefully that you expect most people to go along with them, so it's always interesting when they don't.  And on no subject did the "just folks" ignore the "experts" more than the topic of sex toys!

Same Sex Tantra

One of the most obvious variations on tantra is not age, or weight, or disability, but changing the number or gender of the people involved.  This has historically been a problem for a lot of Westerners interested in Tantra, because the initial teachers of Tantra in the West were mostly men from extremely traditional and homophobic societies like India.  

These gurus insisted that tantra, to be spiritually sound, MUST involve a man and a woman, because the spiritual energy supposedly created through tantric sex must come from the polarity of male and female, yin and yang, sky and earth.  How could one celebrate the mystical union of Shakti and Shiva with two Shaktis?  Or three Shivas?  Or two Shaktis and three Shivas?

Tantra with Physical Limitations

One common problem that comes up while learning Tantra is that not all of us are shaped alike or have the same capabilities, and sometimes that requires some adjustments. The couples I talked to faced a variety of challenges and came up with a number of creative solutions that I’d like to share with you.

Accommodating Long Refractory Periods

One of the most common effects of age for most men is a gradual increase in the time it takes to recover after one ejaculatory orgasm before they can get another erection and resume sexual activity. If this so-called “refractory period” is typically more than two or three hours, the couple will normally have to choose when during the Tantric ritual the man will have his one-and-only ejaculatory orgasm.

Variations on a Theme

I’ve decide to postpone doing a mini-history of the origins of Tantra, as well as the write-ups of the interviews, since both are longish and will take me some prep time. So the theme for the next couple of posts is going to be the differences in how my interview couples arranged their Tantric rituals and how they adapted Tantra to suit their needs, limitations, and preferences.

Scheduling Alternatives

Not everyone is able to make as much time for Tantra as they would like. Several couples have to skimp on the preliminary meditation and severely limit the full-body massage in the interest of time. They start with lingam and yoni massages and proceed from there without a break. All say they much prefer to take more time, and do so whenever they can.

Upcoming topics

Coming Up

I'll be back to blogging on Tuesday.  In the meantime, give some thought to what you'd like to hear about next.  Some of the items on my list are

• Origins:  what we think we know about the history and pre-history of Tantra
• Introducing the Tantric couples:  excerpts from the interviews
• Variations:  what some of the couples I interviewed did differently.
• Multiple orgasms for men:  how to learn how to do it.
• Enduring passion:  how long-term couples use Tantra to maintain desire
• Bonding:  the evolutionary basis for the Tantric bonding effect

If you want to vote for one of those topics to have top priority, or there are other topics you'd like me to address, or you have any questions about what I've written so far, stick a note in the comments down below, or email me at shaktiamarantha@gmail.com.

Thanks, and good loving!

Shakti

Tantric Couples: Intoxicated by Love

In yesterday’s post, I said that none of my couples thought better orgasms outranked the importance of emotional bonding.  However, that doesn’t mean that better, longer, stronger orgasms are just a frill that is irrelevant to the bonding process. We’ve discussed oxytocin and its twin, vasopressin, but we need to go back and revisit two important classes of brain chemicals. Remember this? 

• Phenethylamine, endorphins, and endocannabinoids block pain and increase pleasure; they’re literally intoxicating – when they flood the brain, we get high.

Pair Bonding's Emotional Effects

Just for the record, I am oversimplifying the biochemistry here. For starters, as I mentioned earlier, there are two very similar chemicals involved, oxytocin and vasopressin. Oxytocin is believed to have the dominant role in humans, but the verdict on that is still out, and a variant gene for vasopressin receptors in the brain may be the reason some men have difficulties forming secure attachments. In general, when I say “oxytocin,” I mean “oxytocin and/or vasopressin.”

I am also simplifying the effects of these chemicals, which are often somewhat indirect, since they trigger the release of other chemicals, including dopamine, endorphins, and endocannabinoids in a chemical cascade that has some interesting effects. (If you are curious, Google away. This has become a hot topic in recent years, and there’s a lot of good info out there, along with the usual distortions and exaggerations.)