Thursday, November 30, 2017

How do I have sex for the first time with my husband on our wedding night?

I've been moving sex-related posts from other media over here whenever I have a chance. This post originated with a woman in the Middle East who was entering into an arranged marriage, and she had no idea what the wedding night would be like. I know this sounds strange to most Western readers, but it's a common problem for men and women in traditional cultures, particularly in India and in Muslim countries.

As an American girl, I've never experienced the sheer lack of knowledge about sex that is commonplace for traditional brides. But with my name and ancestry, I've been asked for advice many times in real life and on-line by virgin brides, and even some virgin grooms. Here's my attempt to demystify the big event:

There's an almost endless list of things that could affect the answer to this question. For example, you don't say anything about what country you're from, what your cultural and religious beliefs are about marriage, how long you've known your fiancĂ©, how well you know him, how old you are, how old he is, whether you've been intimate at all with him or anyone else (from a kiss to "near-sex"), whether he's experienced or not, and so on. Even physical things can matter, like height, weight, what kind of shape you're both in, and whether either of you have any handicaps.

For all those reasons, any answers I give you here might not be appropriate. However, I just wrote a fairly complete guide to the wedding night for a friend of mine who lives where she can't ask questions like this locally, so I will share my response with you here. (Warning! It's long and NSFW!)

First, assuming you are a virgin, how do you minimize the chance of pain and bleeding and make your first time as enjoyable as possible?

I wrote this for my nieces when they were old enough to be interested, and recently expanded it a bit and put it on the web:

Aunt Shakti's Action Plan for Proactive Modern Virgins

Second, what is the wedding night actually like?

And the answer to that is that that depends on the two of you and your cultural expectations. However, here's one way it might go:

Getting ready
You will probably want to undress in different rooms. Maybe your husband stays in the bedroom and you change into your nightie in the bathroom. 

Take the opportunity to use the toilet and to freshen up. Brides get nervous, and nervous sweat isn't good, so wash your armpits and your crotch. 

Put a tiny bit of perfume behind your ears, in your navel, and behind your knees. Rub some lube* on your clitpris and vulva and put some inside the entrance to your vagina.

Put on your nightie (optional) and your robe. Braid your hair or brush it out.
Image source:  The Pajama Shoppe

When you come out, your husband will probably have a robe on too. Go to him, let him hug and kiss you. Rub your hands up and down his back. If he is willing to prolong this, great! Rub your body against him as you kiss.

Pretty soon, you should feel his erection against your belly. He will probably step back at this point and undo and remove your robe and his, and then return for more hugs and kisses. 

He will then probably signal or turn toward the bed. One of you should turn down the bedclothes and get in, then the other gets in and lies so you are side by side, facing each other.

Tip:  If he is right-handed, try to maneuver so you end up lying next to his left hand, or vice versa. You want his "good" hand to be on top when you are lying on your sides facing each other.

If it's a small bed, try to arrange your position so you are mostly centered on it and he is lying on his side in the narrow space to your right (if he's right-handed). If you end up on top, you'll have to rearrange this, but if he ends up on top, you want to be in the middle for balance.

Tip:  If at all possible, bring a towel with you from the bathroom and put it down in the center of the bottom sheet, about where your bottom and thighs will be when you lie down on it. This will catch any blood and semen and other fluids that leak out. Sex can get messy!

Tip:  For the same reason, try to have a box of tissues on the bedside table, or stash some in the pocket of your robe and put the robe where you can reach it without getting out of bed.

Warming each other up in bed
As you kiss facing each other, he will probably use his free hand to rub your back, butt, breasts, and thighs, and then start to explore your belly and groin area. That's your signal to roll so you are lying on your back, and to open your legs a bit wider so his hand has access to your vulva.

Encourage him to rub and stroke. A little shiver of surprise when he first touches the vulva, followed by a tiny "ah" or "mmm" when he actually rubs it is a good way to do that. If he needs guidance, put your hand on his and help him adjust the position and pressure.

If you're really lucky, oral sex is not taboo in your culture and either he has had experience with women or he has gotten good advice from a friend or relative. If so, he may slide backward toward the foot of the bed so his chest is between your legs and his face is even with your vulva. If he does this, open your legs wider, spreading your knees far apart to give him access, so he can lick and suck your clitoris:

Image source:

A sharp inhale or gasp when his tongue first touches your clit is always a good idea, followed a little later by some appreciative "mmmms" and "oh!s" when he does something that feels particularly good. It's also a good idea to stroke his head and twine your fingers in his hair. If you do this with both hands, you can gently guide him toward the right places and the right amount of pressure and away from anything that is too hard or rough.

If he does this and he's got the patience to bring you all the way to an orgasm... well, he deserves some kind of prize for being in the top 1% of all bridegrooms! But whether he goes that far, or just gets you warmed up and close to an orgasm, or completely skips the warmup, the next phase is likely to be vaginal sex.

(Note:  if he's planning to use a condom, he needs to put it on at this point!)

If he is willing to let you be on top for this, you should do so. It gives you much more control over the speed of penetration. which can make the first time much more pleasant for you. (See the guide above and this post for information:  
Woman on Top - Sex in the "Cowgirl" Position.)

Otherwise, it is likely that he will prefer the "missionary" (man on top) position. He will probably slide or roll on top of you, either lying on you or kneeling between your legs like this:
Image source:

The main event
He will then use his hand to guide the tip of his penis into the entrance of your vagina. If he's not quite sure where it is, this may involve a lot of fumbling and shifts in position. You can help by pulling your knees up and out to the sides to make more room. 

Once he does get the tip in the entrance, he SHOULD insert his penis the rest of the way very gradually, but he will probably just thrust hard instead, in which case you'll probably feel a brief, sharp pain.

The position you end up in looks something like this:

Image source:  Wikipedia

or this if he prefers more of a kneeling position and can get his knees that far apart:

Image source:

In this position, he thrusts his penis in and out by flexing his hips and lower back, so it's a good position for sustained sex with a lot of intimacy. You can control the angle of the penis in your vagina, which affects how much sensation it gives you, by moving your knees up or down, more toward your shoulders or more toward the foot of the bed.

Some women like to grab their thighs and pull their knees all the way up against their chests or biceps, raising their hips up off the mattress. This is a good position for getting pregnant if you stay that way after he ejaculates, because it reduces the sperm leaking out. It is also a good position for a man with a smaller penis, because it allows deeper penetration.

The opposite position is where you straighten your legs more, slide your feet further down toward the foot of the bed, and arch your back. This tilts the pelvis the other way and creates more friction for your vulva, but it reduces the penetration depth, so it is better for a man with a longer penis.

When he comes
But first times are usually very quick, so you probably won't get a chance to experiment with positions for your legs until much later. For the same reason, don't expect much in the way of pleasure from actual vaginal penetration the first time.

Most men who are virgins are so overwhelmed by the sensations that they ejaculate very rapidly. In fact, it's not uncommon for a bridegroom to actually ejaculate as soon as his penis touches your vulva, before he gets it in at all!

If that happens, don't worry, just mop up any mess, remind him that there's no hurry, and then cuddle with him and talk about what an amazing, crazy day it has been, or how strange all this is, or whatever you want, until he gets his second erection and you can restart the program where you left off.

If he seems uncertain or upset, take his face in your hands, kiss him, and say, "I can't believe how lucky I am to have you for my husband!" That will usually resolve all of a man's insecurities! :)

He may want to have sex several more times that night, or you may be too sore or you both may be too tired, in which case, you should wait for another day to do it again. I hear a lot of couples saying they were so exhausted from the wedding that they just kissed, cuddled, and went to sleep the first night, so they could save their first time for the next day, when they were rested and ready.

What if it's not like this?
There are so many ways things could be different from what I just described that I couldn't possibly list them all. If your fiancé has something radically different in mind, ask him to explain what he wants and discuss it with him if you don't understand or don't want to do it.

Other than that, do what all newlyweds do:  fumble around and improvise! And if things go wrong, be patient, be ready to laugh with him about how silly the whole situation is (but never at him!), and reassure him that there's plenty of time – you've got a lifetime to get it all figured out!

Babies and birth control
Have you two talked about kids and pregnancy? Do you both want a child right away? It's great if you do, but it's not great if you would both rather wait, but you never find that out because you're both too shy to bring the subject up. So talk about it ahead of time!

(I personally favor waiting a year or more. I think any couple needs at least that much time to really get to know each other and to really fall in love, in a deep way, before the intrusion of pregnancy and babies makes this much harder or impossible. However, I don't live in a culture where there's pressure on women here to have kids right away, and I recognize that many couples don't feel that they can wait.)

If you would prefer to wait, go to a doctor and get a prescription for birth control pills and start using them well before the wedding. If you don't have time for that, he should use condoms until you've been on the pill for a month.

*Lube (and birth control)
If you decide to use condoms, you should also get (or ask him to get) a good, non-oil lube to use with them.

This one is water-based, which means it dries out faster and needs to be renewed more often, but it won't get sheets and clothes oily:
Water-based Silky Safe Longlasting Personal Lubricant GEL by Slippery Stuff 8oz

This one is silicone-based, is more slippery, and lasts longer, so it might be a better choice for a wedding night:
PREMIUM Silicone Based Lubricant (8 oz): Health & Personal Care

I've never used either of those brands. All I know is that they got good reviews on Amazon. But there are hundreds of alternatives you can buy. Just be sure whatever brand you buy says, "Safe for use with condoms"!

If you're already on the pill, or you want to get pregnant as soon as possible, then of course you won't be using condoms and you can use any pure vegetable oil as a lube instead. I like almond, walnut, and coconut oil for their smoothness, flavor, and faint aroma, but any good vegetable oil will do. Just don't use oil and condoms together!

Okay, this is probably T.M.I., but I hope it helps. Whether it does or not, congratulations on your upcoming wedding! Have a wonderful first time and a great marriage!

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