Saturday, January 31, 2015

Mailbag #5: Tantra for women and the FC2 for anal

Lesbian Tantra

Two months ago I posted some information about gay tantra for men and asked for input from lesbian couples.  I've received one response so far, and I want to share that one with you here.  (I changed the names.)

Hello, Shakti. You said "If you have experienced tantric sex in a lesbian relationship, can you describe the tantric sexual practices you followed?  What changes did you make to the traditional m/f tantric practices?"
So I guess we qualify, sort of. Jan and I are in our late thirties and next month will be 8 years we've been together. Jan went to tantra workshops before we met and got me to go to a couple more a few years ago. We both liked the spiritual connection, but we didn't get a lot else from it.
Have you heard of "lesbian bed death"? Google it. I think it's BS that it happens to lesbians more than straight couples, but it was happening to us. 
Anyway. I found your blog a year ago and we tried a lot of stuff and we pretty much took it and did what you said about changing it to suit us. So here's what we do different.
We spend more time on spirit sharing at the beginning, like almost an hour sometimes for talking, meditating, eye-gazing, and we have a little commitment prayer we say together.
We do both back massages before we do either fronts, and we spend extra time on the backs and legs. We got some books and DVDs on regular massage and we do serious top to toe massage before the sexy parts. 
We have a talk thing the 'giver' does during the erotic part, it's like putting the worship into yoni worship. Maybe it sounds dumb, but it's one of the things we got from the workshops, about the holiness of sharing pleasure and worshipping the goddess in each other, and we like it. It helps the 'receiver' control the buildup inside and it feels good. 
Usually, we do two sets of yoni massages, but the second set is usually shorter with more oral. After that we don't do anything special.  We just lie side by side and hug and stroke each other.  And a lot of times that's all we do if we feel finished but we've also tried some different stuff.
We've experimented with dildos and strapons--fun sometimes--and we tried putting a vibrator with a big soft head between our clits which can be great if we're both still horny. If we're feeling decadent sometimes Jan gives me a nipplegasm as a special treat, because my tits are always supersensitive (in a good way) after sex and then I do something for her. It's whatever we feel like.
But mostly I think the biggest difference is we focus much more on connecting at the start and then spend most of our time taking turns and not on any kind of big finish. I don't know if that's right for anyone else but it works for us.
But the important thing that makes doing tantra right for us is taking the time every week to really connect. The sex is great but saying how we feel and connecting in spirit and loving touch is what matters most. I think it slowly kills a relationship if two people don't make enough time for touching and talking and connecting, skin to skin, heart to heart and soul to soul. Everybody's hurrying and there isn't much time and it seems like you're doing fine but after a few years all those weeks when you didn't make a solid connection cut away at it.  
So making it into a ritual that takes time you don't cheat on keeps that from getting eroded. You talk about this in your post on the tantra bond and I think that's right. Having quick sex fixes being horny, but it's too short for intimacy and bonding.
So...not very different, maybe not very interesting, but that's what we do! Thanks for the blog!

And thanks for taking the time to share!

Using the FC2 for anal play

Here's a strong recommendation from a couple of our regular readers:

If you do anal penetration, whether it's with toys, fingers, or penis, use the FC2 "female" condom.  It’s much more sanitary than going bare and is much less likely to get lost inside the rectum than a regular condom.

In addition, when used for full penile penetration, the friction is between his penis and the lubricated inside of the FC2, instead of being between the condom and her anus/rectum, which is much harder to lubricate properly.  So he gets more pleasure with the FC2 and she is protected against abrasion and pain from being underlubed.

  • Grip the inside ring with a cloth or paper towel to squeeze it before insertion, otherwise it can get away from you.
  • Stick a finger or a slim, smooth rod or anal dildo inside the condom to aid insertion.
  • Alternatively, you can remove and discard the inside ring first.  That makes putting it in much easier, but it also makes it more likely to slip out during sex, so you will need to be more careful about force and angles.  (This can be the way to go if you didn't get a chance to put it in beforehand.)
  • The FC2 is made of nitrile, not vinyl or plastic, so you can use any kind of lube - water-based, silicone, or oil.
  • It comes with a lot of lube on it.  Get some of it on your fingers and slather it on your butt.  Use just enough lube on the outside of the FC2 to get it into place comfortably, and then wipe up any excess on the outside.
  • Be sure you have a lot of lube on the penis and/or inside the FC2 when you're ready to start using it!
All of this applies equally well to men who like anal toys, fingering, and prostate massage during tantra.

From: How to use the FC2 for anal sex ...

  • Use lots of lube!
  • Make sure the FC2 is inserted straight.
  • It should be smooth against the walls of the vagina or anus...
  • Practice, practice, practice!! Think of other frustrating firsts like inserting a tampon, putting in contact lenses, or first time having sex? Remember:  It Takes Practice!!!
    Also, the FC2 can be put in place well in advance and left in place after you're finished, to be removed at a later time.  This means that a man can switch between fingers and penis, and the partners can alternate between anal and vaginal sex, or even between anal and oral, without having to remove the FC2, deal with a mess, or worry about cross-contamination.

    If the male partner ejaculates inside the condom, it's a good idea to twist the outer ring several times after he withdraws to avoid dribbling and leakage.

    Being able to include anal fingering in the middle of a yoni or lingam massage without concerns about contamination is a BIG advantage, and this finally provides an answer for couples who like sitting yab-yum with anal insertion, but want to finish with vaginal sex without having to stop for a big cleanup.

    [Edited after additional input from Jeri and from some FC2 fans.]

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