Is Tantric Sex a Lost Art?

For more than a century Westerners have been trying to figure out the physical and spiritual secrets of "sacred sex." Much has been claimed about both magical and mystical powers associated with tantric sex, but nothing convincing has been forthcoming. 

When the East was far away in both geography and culture, it was possible to pretend that this was just a gap in communication, that true magic was happening over there, in secret, in the mysterious Orient, and Western seekers just hadn't figured it out quite yet. But the flow of people and information between East and West has gone from a trickle to a torrent in recent years, and still there is nothing at the Eastern end but myths, legends, obscure texts, and an endless stream of con artists who are happy to tell credulous Westerners whatever they want to hear.

This has led to a new version of the myth, that tantric sex is a lost art. In this alternative history, it was an esoteric art capable of creating powerful magic or spiritual transformation, but it could only be taught from master or mistress to student, and this chain of personal transmission was broken under intense persecution from secular and religious authorities. Maybe ... just maybe ... it survives somewhere in a secret cult, sworn never to use their powers for anything that would attract the attention of the outside world. Or maybe it's gone for good and we have only the legends to go by.

The problem with this narrative is that it assumes that the extravagant legends of magical power were true, so it ignores anything that doesn't fit. But it is far more likely that they were never true in the first place, and that they were exaggerated tales created by people who heard third or fourth hand accounts from people who were awed by a life-changing personal experiences and used religious or magical metaphors to describe them.

Because if we forget about magic and focus instead on the physical side of tantric sex and it's power to alter internal consciousness, then tantric sex is definitely not a lost art. It's very much alive. My partner and I have been practicing it regularly for two decades, and I've interviewed several dozen other long-term tantric couples in that time.

But it may seem like a lost art if you listen to all the people who try to divorce it from its physical roots. Using sex for magical or spiritual purposes is a very ancient practice, similar to using hallucinogens. But the mistake too many people make is that they then try to eliminate the sex to make it somehow more pure and ethereal.

It doesn't work that way. All you end up doing is converting it into a kind of passionless yoga or meditation, stripped of its energy.

Real tantric sex is, first and foremost, incredibly great sex, passionate, messy, earthy, powerful, and orgasmic. Done right, it can produce profound altered states of consciousness, including intense feelings of union with your partner and oneness with the universe. But it begins with the raw physical power of human sexuality, one of the most potent of all sources of mental and emotional energy.

The problem we have in the West is that the people who introduced Westerners to the ideas behind tantric sex all came from severely prudish, sex-negative cultures, particularly Victorian Britain and Hindu society, so in many cases they were writing and talking about something they had only heard about and had never practiced.

Whether they had experienced it or not, they typically talked about it only in mystical metaphors. They never described in any detail the nuts and bolts, the physical processes for extending sex and achieving the heightened orgasms and altered states that tantric sex is known for. That's like asking people to become artists without ever showing them the tools of their craft or explaining how to use them.

Tantric sex can be approached from a completely secular point of view, as a vehicle for creating experiences that seem magical, whether or not they really are. Or it can be the basis for a spiritual quest that is grounded in those physical practices and uses those altered states to achieve some higher goal. But when you ignore or skimp on the physical practices needed to produce those effects, you end up with something weak, limp, and devoid of power, a pale shadow of the real thing.

You can master and practice a craft for its own sake. You can master a craft for the sake of creating great art. But you can't be either a craftsman or a real artist if you aren't willing to learn the technical basis of your craft.

Too many people want the results of tantric sex without making the effort to acquire the skills that make it possible. It's like those people who want to be world-class pianists without ever touching a piano. It happens only in their fantasies.

Tantric sex is alive and well, even flourishing, in its secular form. It has been part of many different religious traditions over the last few thousand years, and all of them have tried to channel it and explain it and use it in their own ways. The problem comes when the prudish types in these religious traditions try to take control of it and redefine it in purely spiritual terms, because then they destroy its fundamental power.

The Dual Control Model of Sexual Arousal

I have talked in previous posts about the importance of thinking about both sexual arousal and sexual inhibition when dealing with libido differences. Because this is so important to understanding libido and sex drive, I want to come back to the subject and add some background and additional depth.

Most people first encounter this model by reading Emily Nagoski's excellent book, Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life. Many readers will have also taken the Sexual Temperament Questionnaire, which is intended to help you understand where you fit in terms of the sensitivity of your "Sexual Excitation System" (SES) and the sensitivity of your "Sexual Inhibitory System" (SIS).

The SES/SIS questionnaire that Dr. Nagoski uses comes from what is known as the "Dual Control Model of Sexual Arousal." Because she teaches at Smith, a mostly-women's university, she uses a version of the questionnaire that is oriented somewhat more towards women. But the model and the SES/SIS questionnaire actually originated with research on men and their sexual problems.

For Girls & Women – First Time Masturbation Without a Vibe

This was an interesting question:

How can a woman masturbate and reach orgasm without sex toys?

This was my answer:

You don't need toys, but they do make it easier.  In most cases, the reason for not getting a vibrator or dildo is lack of privacy, but you can cope with that with a little bit of ingenuity.  

However, most women can manage without them.

Assuming you haven't done this before, here's a good twelve step program for learning how to have solo sex: