tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7299662952978736845.post7039615481143633445..comments2024-03-11T00:04:47.047-07:00Comments on Extraordinary Passion: Escaping a Dead BedroomShakti Amaranthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16204671934660827381noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7299662952978736845.post-31877071725042050722022-04-17T17:37:59.218-07:002022-04-17T17:37:59.218-07:00As somebody posted above, “this is the best thing ...As somebody posted above, “this is the best thing I’ve ever read”Geoffreyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13256491150480113090noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7299662952978736845.post-10522445655012996282021-05-19T08:34:28.095-07:002021-05-19T08:34:28.095-07:00This is fascinating to me! Unfortunately it'll...This is fascinating to me! Unfortunately it'll be a good several years before I can explore Tantra. I feel like this requires someone not to have children under the age of 12! 3-4 hours uninterrupted of waking time is not something we ever come by! But, I love all these tips and simple profound explanations for differences in people's way of operating. Thank you so much for this article. I'm going to have to look more at your blog! :-)Dragonmama008https://www.blogger.com/profile/16356299296465348089noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7299662952978736845.post-80081799731451878502021-02-10T06:31:07.889-08:002021-02-10T06:31:07.889-08:00this is the best thing I've ever readthis is the best thing I've ever readAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7299662952978736845.post-2534479498886622072020-12-03T02:49:04.399-08:002020-12-03T02:49:04.399-08:00I suggest reading, "The Body Keeps Score.&quo...I suggest reading, "The Body Keeps Score." And to not force yourself to do anything.Katherine.Amber.Wilsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00281264166827917281noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7299662952978736845.post-55387916851802434022020-10-11T14:01:13.596-07:002020-10-11T14:01:13.596-07:00So much to say... even before getting to the thing...So much to say... even before getting to the things that prompted this reply. I read this post in early September 2020 - and tried posting these comments then, but have only managed to succeeed now. <br /><br />Glad to see this blog is recently active - the comment preceding this one, and the not-so-long-ago post from March this year. I've read the post, grateful for both the explicit description and the level of critical analysis in your commentary. The precision and clarity are worth commenting on in their own right.<br /><br />But I'm also learning things in reading this, which is both worth noting and a big part of the prompt. I've long had my own form of words for some of what you describe, but without someone to discuss it with, those words and ideas have just gone round and round in my mind as so much conjecture. The question of how to articulate something, to one self or others, and the absence of conversation, is one of the points I'd like to discuss. But there are other, even bigger topics, so I'm setting it to one side.<br /><br />So, these concepts of Ask/Guess Culture, of Responsive/Spontaneous Desire, and of High and Low Libido personalities are each nice encapsulations of a place I inhabit. Your description of tantric sexuality ties them together in a way that makes good sense to me. That business about the Offs being off really resonates. The Dual Control model. It is so central to some of my struggles that I feel I've now got a key to that particular lock. So I'm glad to have picked that up here, and am feeling hopeful about addressing some longstanding concerns. But it isn't the biggest issue here, and I'm not going to focus on it.<br /><br />The big issue comes back around to the question of communication, and perhaps of communication styles. Much like the differences between Askers and Guessers, where a gulf in style makes the core issues even harder to get at, my circumstances have me thinking there are other similar obstacles to communication in my situation, and I haven't even got labels to begin describing them. <br /><br />It's probably worth noting that I am not thinking of just me and my partner, but more widely, among the people I feel closest to. There are black holes of communication, where things go in from any direction, and don't make it across to the other side. By and large it seems impossible to connect with others with the kind of intimacy you've described here. <br /><br />So the questions that come to mind are about how you foster a combination of commitment, and some way of learning each others' ways of thinking, each others' language, in order to focus jointly on questions of intimacy. I don't see it happening. I can't make it happen in isolation, and come up against a sort of language barrier with others when I do try. So how do you do it?<br /><br />And that is aside from all the questions about how to explore sexuality in awkward circumstances! <br /><br />If nothing else, I'm grateful for the new words and the prompt to work at it some more. tatubuhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17997807291272469675noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7299662952978736845.post-10937490218046350342020-09-12T21:28:15.052-07:002020-09-12T21:28:15.052-07:00I've just come across your blog and this is an...I've just come across your blog and this is an astounding resource!! I'm so grateful that you took the time to put this together and provide it for free!<br /><br />My partner and I have fallen into a rut of having "obligation sex" daily that neither one of us is particularly into.<br /><br />Having never truly learned how to make love, and always gotten off on fucking, this is exactly the information I needed to start moving towards a more satisfying kind of sex. One that doesn't get old and boring after a few rounds.<br /><br />I'm excited to start exploring all the great content you made available. Thank you so much!Jonoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7299662952978736845.post-7380976275428673542020-07-27T05:09:50.240-07:002020-07-27T05:09:50.240-07:00Hi. Thanks so much for writing this - it may be th...Hi. Thanks so much for writing this - it may be the most interesting/helpful/hopeful thing I've read about sex. I do have a few questions. Do you think the relationship has to be on totally solid ground outside of sex for this to work? And is there any way this can work with someone who's touch-averse for lack of a better word? Ie: can a touch-averse person learn to enjoy this, and is it even fair to ask? Some background on why I'm asking: I've been with my husband for 20 years, married for 13, and in a DB situation for probably the last 10. (When we do have sex, its scheduled, short, always the same, and we're probably down to once every three months or so.) We've been through some really rocky periods in our relationship, things have improved significantly, but there are still issues (ie: communicating about small things being met with defensiveness etc.) Also, he has always been touch averse, even from the beginning. (Ie: he didn't hug me goodbye when we were dating until I told him how important it was to me, and even then and still I feel like his hugs and any touch are perfunctory ... like, OK, here's your hug (or kiss, or whatever) vs. real touch I've experienced in past relationships.) Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7299662952978736845.post-46752852858819303722020-04-19T09:55:51.887-07:002020-04-19T09:55:51.887-07:00Thank you SO much for this. I'm in 4 year long...Thank you SO much for this. I'm in 4 year long relationship and we are still very much in love with each other. But sex has started to become a problem for me. I'm the Z in our relationship... The HL/Guesser/SD and everything you described is exactly how I feel and the way you described your feelings sound a lot like what my partner tells me. I've been searching for answers everywhere thinking this is just a HL/LL but I couldn't find a solution. This article is the answer to my question. I now know what to discuss with my boyfriend, where to begin. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7299662952978736845.post-15961654770034685022020-04-19T08:27:00.408-07:002020-04-19T08:27:00.408-07:00Wow, what à wonderful, well written, analytical ex...Wow, what à wonderful, well written, analytical explanation of 3 complex dynamics: Ask/Guess culture, spontaneous desire/reactive desire and high libido/low libido. What à great description of tantric sex and how it was the solution for you and Z. Analyzed and operationalized. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7299662952978736845.post-12557653341493828192020-04-17T23:39:42.428-07:002020-04-17T23:39:42.428-07:00Maybe be honest? Instead of holding it in? Speak y...Maybe be honest? Instead of holding it in? Speak your mind and let him know you aren't enjoying sex because you feel as though he doesn't care about how you feel in or after it? Oddveighttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02888724088058023917noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7299662952978736845.post-75342096699024333262016-02-10T11:36:19.597-08:002016-02-10T11:36:19.597-08:00Wow! Great content on this blog! Do you have any r...Wow! Great content on this blog! Do you have any references for good reads on tantric sex as you and Z seem to practice? Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7299662952978736845.post-24206281812202760332015-10-14T14:51:34.994-07:002015-10-14T14:51:34.994-07:00I don’t think I ever forced myself to do anything ...I don’t think I ever forced myself to do anything unpleasant. We had sex several times where I was expecting it to be at least warm and comforting, if not necessarily great, and it was scary to feel numb. But Z didn’t push, so we never had sex that felt aversive to me.<br /><br />This happened so fast for us that I never had time to get resentful or angry. I was just scared. And when we worked out what was happening and tried to fix it, we started going very, very slowly, working on the meditation and other kinds of stress management and exchanging full-body massages, with no sex at first, just learning how to do massage and learning what felt good and melted the tension away.<br /><br />This took several months, and I gradually began to feel like I was starting to wake up, just faint stirrings inside, but enough to wonder what would happen if we pushed things another notch. I started playing around, trying different kinds of caresses for getting him aroused. And along the lines of learning tantra, I started seeing how close I could get him to the brink of an orgasm and how long I could keep him there without going over, and also discovering what effects that had on his orgasms when he did finally finish. <br /><br />Part of this was me wanting to do something for him even if I wasn't in a position to share it, but I have to confess that a lot of it was pure curiosity on my part, my inner "mad scientist" coming out. Because I was standing beside the massage table I could actually *see* every reaction, every involuntary response to what I was doing. And it was like, here's this great biological and neurological puzzle, figuring out how the human male - or *this* human male - responds to tactile stimuli, and I couldn't resist the challenge! :)<br /><br />Eventually we switched the sequence, with me giving him the first massage. And doing that, and edging him for a good long while to a really strong orgasm, actually got me somewhat aroused. Then when he started massaging me, that just keep building a little bit at a time, so I encouraged him to try being more erotic, and having him gently massage my breasts and vulva *actually felt good* for the first time in ages!<br /><br />The progression was gradual, but I think I had my first orgasm in ages a few weeks later, and we had sex after the massages a few more weeks after that, for the first time in months. There was a lot of other stuff going on, including serious meditation practice and lots of non-sexual cuddle time. And the external situation was getting better for both of us too.<br /><br />So all of these things entered into it, and I can't really say how important each one was in terms of getting me unfrozen. As I'm sure you know, the stress of *feeling broken* and being afraid it will *never* get back to normal is huge, which creates a big vicious circle. So as soon as I felt clear signs of progress, that stress started to go away, and it made the rest of the process faster and easier.<br /><br />I worry about giving advice to anyone, because I don't know how much of our experience is transferrable. When you talk about resentment and anger, and years of frustration, it sounds like you two let this go way too long, with unsatisfying sex making the problem worse for you. “Saying yes even if you don't want to” sounds like exactly what you *shouldn’t* be doing!<br /><br />My instinct would be to put your husband’s needs on the back burner for a good long while and try asking him to go the massage route for as long as it takes until you are actually looking forward to getting one. Maybe you need to turn “Dom” for a bit. Ask him to be your body slave for as long as it takes to get you back to being an erotic person again. And then play it by ear, moving very gradually after that. If returning a massage feels repugnant or wrong, don't try to force yourself to do it. Be completely selfish for once, because it sounds like doing *anything* that reinforces your negative feelings is just going to make the long-term problem worse.<br /><br />Good luck! I hope you get it all sorted out!<br />Shakti Amaranthahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16204671934660827381noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7299662952978736845.post-82418875402911356322015-10-12T03:51:11.769-07:002015-10-12T03:51:11.769-07:00I don't know :/
I can't switch off my rese...I don't know :/<br />I can't switch off my resentment now...how do you turn off those feelings?<br />I just can't find motivation to try. My work is higher priority for me because it rewards me while sex does nothing for me, and we have already had years of the same cycle where I satisfy him and he gets relief and happiness while I get resentful and angry. <br />Now it's reached boiling point and I've been saying 'no' for some time, which is occasionally interrupted by spouts of pity when I see him sad and try to force myself, which again leads to his relief and my building anger.<br />I do love him, but his sadness when I say no is just going through swells of either making me think I should just leave because I am a huge problem or making me angry that he can't separate sexual needs from emotional ones. <br />We tried all sorts initially but I'm losing motivation so fast, and a huge part of me is thinking perhaps I am just a 'broken workaholic' person and should not be a relationship with anyone now that sex has become worthless to me.<br />I tried the whole 'say yes even if you don't want to' thing and it left me in tears and I also experienced a weird twisty pain which I had never felt from sex; like my entire body was expelling it from frustration.<br />I don't think it's as simple as 'give it a go' :(<br />How did you self-manipulate yourself in the beginning so that you could 'give it a go' without feeling resentment when you don't enjoy the effort?Wannabe_Lemurhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02449377276729116984noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7299662952978736845.post-50879241640665647032015-10-01T02:39:44.483-07:002015-10-01T02:39:44.483-07:00Excellent and very helpful, as always, many thanks...Excellent and very helpful, as always, many thanks ! I hope the book will be out - soon ? - well, the time it takes... Best wishes, AndreasAndreashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11624930326279955931noreply@blogger.com