tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-72996629529787368452024-03-11T00:04:48.690-07:00Extraordinary PassionThe Art and Science of Modern Tantric SexShakti Amaranthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16204671934660827381noreply@blogger.comBlogger110125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7299662952978736845.post-31375950572058708752020-03-18T19:36:00.000-07:002020-03-18T19:36:25.202-07:00Some Thoughts on Sex and Human Evolution<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">My
father taught human evolution and cultural and physical anthropology,
and he shared his passions with his kids, which influenced my own
academic interest in neuroscience. Between his influence and my own
training I have a decent understanding of how the human brain and body
work and how radically our mating patterns and reproductive systems
differ from even our closer relatives. And I do occasionally indulge in
speculations about "evolutionary psychology" in order to help people
understand how human sexuality got so messed up. However, I always
acknowledge the uncertainties and the speculative quality of any such
discussion of the peculiar origins of human sexuality.</span></span><br />
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I find the subject irresistible because human sexuality is weird. <i>VERY</i>
weird! Most mammals have relatively consistent mating systems. They may
have bizarre customs, but all members of a single species do pretty
much the same things in roughly the same ways. But human
mating systems are mixed up, messed up, and incredibly diverse.</span></span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">To start with, we have by far the worst reproductive systems of all the mammals:</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><b>Maternal death rates:</b> Without
modern medicine we have the highest death rates in childbirth of any
mammal, rivaled only by the hyena, and far higher than any other.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><b>Menstruation:</b> Other
mammals can reabsorb a defective embryo with no fuss, but humans have a
chorionic placenta that requires a complex menstrual cycle in order to
flush out defective embryos. There is nothing nice and cuddly and natural about this. It is a uniquely debilitating and wasteful
system. No other female mammals suffer from anything like it.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><b>Extremely low conception rate: </b>Most
mammals have a conception rate of 90-99% per ovulation. Because of our
bizarre menstrual cycle, we have a much lower conception rate than other
mammals, around 15-20% per ovulation for fertile couples having regular
sex, and less than 1% for a random act of intercourse. Women who are <i>trying</i> to
conceive may require more than a dozen ovulations and hundreds of
copulations to get pregnant, even if both partners are fertile and
healthy.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">In addition, our bodies seem designed to be confusing:</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><b>Cryptic ovulation:</b> To
complicate the conception problem, our ancestors evolved what is called
"cryptic ovulation." Unlike any of our close primate relatives, there
was no way people in prescientific societies could tell when a woman was
fertile, so trying to conceive required frequent copulation throughout
the cycle.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><b>Full breasts on fertile and infertile females:</b> Unlike
any other female mammal, adult women have breasts that remain enlarged
and prominent even when they are not pregnant or nursing. This hides yet
another possible clue that a female is not fertile.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">We also have a combination of rare mating patterns that together make us unique:</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></b></span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><b>Nonreproductive sex:</b> Humans,
dolphins, and pigs seek out recreational sex. Bonobos use brief genital
rubbing as a way to establish social ties and resolve tension. But most
other mammals have zero interest in intercourse without the specific
cue of a female who is ovulating and in heat.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><b>Sexual frequency:</b> One
consequence of these evolutionary adaptations is that humans are
incredibly oversexed by mammalian standards. Even in a monogamous
marriage, a woman can easily have sex 10,000 times or more if both
partners remain in good health, far more sex over a lifetime than other
female mammals experience.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><b>Social monogamy: </b>Most
mammals, including our closest cousins, are polygamous and
opportunistic about sex; humans are in the small fraction, about 15%, of
mammals that practice some kind of pair bonding and coparenting. Even
in officially polygamous human societies, the vast majority of marriages
involve only two people.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">(Note:
This is not to say that humans don't cheat on their spouses. As in
other pair-bonding species, many individuals do stray if given the chance. Also, like many </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">monogamous </span></span></span>species, humans often practice serial monogamy, changing partners after a period of exclusivity
together.)</span></span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><b>Extreme variation:</b> Humans
have THE most varied, conflicted, and confusing courtship rituals and
mating systems in the animal kingdom. We may marvel at the peculiar
things some non-human species do, but there is a great deal of
consistency within each species. Among humans, different cultures set
different rules for nearly every aspect of mate selection. Just the idea
of a courtship process that sometimes takes minutes and sometimes takes
months or years, would be inconceivable for other mammals.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica";"><br /></span>
</span></span><br />
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Speculating
about how we got so messed up is fun and can be illuminating, and I
sometimes find it irresistible. So I'm no one to throw stones at someone
else just because they do some "evo-devo" theorizing or make pop
science points based on somewhat speculative neuroscience.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">On
the other hand, I'm in a good position to judge when people are
stretching the research way too far and presenting wild claims and
mere guesses as if they were facts. For a really good example of the
difference between junk science and the responsible use of the existing
research, see <i>Sex at Dawn</i> and <i>Sex at Dusk</i>. (Spoiler: <i>Dawn</i> is dishonest garbage; <i>Dusk</i> is a great read, meticulously honest, informative, and fun.)</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Anyway,
I hope this digression has piqued your curiosity about evolution and
the weirdness of human sexuality. What strange, mixed-up creatures we
are!</span></span></div>
</div>
Shakti Amaranthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16204671934660827381noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7299662952978736845.post-86128355851647934022018-08-21T19:52:00.000-07:002023-06-09T15:54:34.704-07:00Is Tantric Sex a Lost Art?<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">For more than a century Westerners have been trying to figure out the physical and spiritual secrets of "sacred sex." Much has been claimed about both magical and mystical powers associated with tantric sex, but nothing convincing has been forthcoming. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">When the East was far away in both geography and culture, it was possible to pretend that this was just a gap in communication, that true magic was happening over there, in secret, in the mysterious Orient, and Western seekers just hadn't figured it out quite yet. But the flow of people and information between East and West has gone from a trickle to a torrent in recent years, and still there is nothing at the Eastern end but myths, legends, obscure texts, and an </span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">endless stream of </span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">con artists who are happy to tell credulous Westerners whatever they want to hear.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">This has led to a new version of the myth, that tantric sex is a lost art. In this alternative history, it was an esoteric art capable of creating powerful magic or spiritual transformation, but it could only be taught from master or mistress to student, and this chain of personal transmission was broken under intense persecution from secular and religious authorities. Maybe ... just maybe ... it survives somewhere in a secret cult, sworn never to use their powers for anything that would attract the attention of the outside world. Or maybe it's gone for good and we have only the legends to go by.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">The problem with this narrative is that it assumes that the extravagant legends of magical power were true, so it ignores anything that doesn't fit. But it is far more likely that they were never true in the first place, and that they were exaggerated tales created by people who heard third or fourth hand accounts from people who were awed by a life-changing personal experiences and used religious or magical metaphors to describe them.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;">Because if we forget about magic and focus instead on the physical side of tantric sex and it's power to alter internal consciousness, then tantric sex is definitely not a lost art. It's very much alive. My partner and I have been practicing it regularly for two decades, and I've interviewed several dozen</span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;"> </span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;">other long-term tantric couples in that time.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;" /><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;">But it may seem like a lost art if you listen to all the people who try to divorce it from its physical roots. Using sex for magical or</span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;"> </span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;">spiritual purposes is a very ancient practice, similar to using hallucinogens. But the mistake too many people make is that they then try to eliminate the sex to</span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;"> </span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;">make it somehow more pure and ethereal.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;" /><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;">It doesn't work that way. All you end up doing is converting it into a kind of passionless yoga or meditation, stripped of its energy.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;" /><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;">Real tantric sex</span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;"> </span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;">is, first and foremost,</span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;"> </span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;">incredibly great sex,</span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;"> </span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;">passionate, messy, earthy, powerful, and orgasmic. Done right, it can</span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;"> </span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;">produce profound altered states of consciousness, including intense feelings of union with your partner and oneness with the</span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;"> </span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;">universe. But it begins with the raw physical power of human sexuality, one of the most potent of all sources of mental and emotional</span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;"> </span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;">energy.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;" /><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;">The problem we have in the West is that the people who introduced Westerners to the ideas behind tantric sex all came from</span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;"> </span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;">severely prudish, sex-negative cultures, particularly Victorian Britain and Hindu society, so in many cases they were writing and</span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;"> </span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;">talking about something they had only heard about and had never practiced.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;" /><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;">Whether they had experienced it or not, they typically talked about it only in mystical metaphors. They never described in any detail</span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;"> </span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;">the nuts and bolts, the physical processes for extending sex and achieving the heightened orgasms and altered states that tantric</span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;"> </span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;">sex is known for. That's like asking people to become artists without ever showing them the tools of their craft or explaining how to</span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;"> </span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;">use them.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;" /><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;">Tantric sex can be approached from a completely secular point of view, as a vehicle for creating experiences that seem magical,</span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;"> </span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;">whether or not they really are. Or it can be the basis for a spiritual quest that is grounded in those physical practices and uses those</span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;"> </span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;">altered states to achieve some higher goal. But when you ignore or skimp on the physical practices needed to produce those effects,</span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;"> </span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;">you end up with something weak, limp, and devoid of power, a pale shadow of the real thing.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;" /><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;">You can master and practice a craft for its own sake. You can master a craft for the sake of creating great art. But you can't be either</span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;"> </span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;">a craftsman</span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;"> </span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;">or</span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;"> </span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;">a real artist if you aren't willing to learn the technical basis of your craft.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;" /><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;">Too many people want the results of tantric sex without making the effort to acquire the skills that make it possible. It's like those</span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;"> </span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;">people who want to be world-class pianists without ever touching a piano. It happens only in their fantasies.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;" /><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;">Tantric sex is alive and well, even flourishing, in its secular form. It has been part of many different religious traditions over the last</span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;"> </span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;">few thousand years, and all of them have tried to channel it and explain it and use it in their own ways. The problem comes when the</span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;"> </span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;">prudish types in these religious traditions try to take control of it and redefine it in purely spiritual terms, because then they destroy</span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;"> </span><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-size-adjust: auto;">its fundamental power.</span></span>Shakti Amaranthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16204671934660827381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7299662952978736845.post-86292539526835078772018-03-31T22:21:00.000-07:002018-11-21T20:45:45.180-08:00The Dual Control Model of Sexual Arousal<div class="usertext-body may-blank-within md-container ">
<div class="md">
I have talked in previous posts about the importance of thinking about both sexual arousal and sexual inhibition when dealing with libido differences. Because this is so important to understanding libido and sex drive, I want to come back to the subject and add some background and additional depth.<br />
<br />
Most people first encounter this model by reading Emily Nagoski's excellent book, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090" target="_blank">Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life</a>. Many readers will have also taken the <a href="http://www.thedirtynormal.com/downloads/worksheets/Sexual-Temperament-Questionnaire.pdf" target="_blank">Sexual Temperament Questionnaire</a>, which is intended to help you understand where you fit in terms of the sensitivity of your "Sexual Excitation System" (SES) and the sensitivity of your "Sexual Inhibitory System" (SIS).<br />
<br />
The
SES/SIS questionnaire that Dr. Nagoski uses comes from what is known
as the "Dual Control Model of Sexual Arousal." Because she teaches at
Smith, a mostly-women's university, she uses a version of the questionnaire that is oriented somewhat
more towards women. But the model and the SES/SIS questionnaire actually
originated with research on men and their sexual problems.<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
For people who haven't read Nagoski's book, here's a brief
description of the DCM, from an article I wrote about it a few years
ago:<br />
<blockquote>
Eric Janssen and John Bancroft of the Kinsey Institute for Sex
Research observed that most physiological systems in the body have dual
control systems. For example, insulin responds to <em>high</em> blood sugar by lowering it, while glucagon responds to <em>low</em> blood sugar by raising it. Similarly, sweating responds to <em>high</em> body temperature by cooling you off, while shivering responds to <em>low</em> body temperature by warming you up.</blockquote>
<blockquote>
At the most basic level, we know that neurons can be wired to either
excite or inhibit other neurons when they fire. And at the highest
level, we know that the sympathetic and parasympathetic branches of the
autonomic nervous system have complex reciprocal and counteractive
effects, where each is responsible for turning some activities on that
the other one turns off, and vice versa.</blockquote>
<blockquote>
Janssen & Bancroft's hypothesis, which has been born out by a
great deal of research and experience in the last 20 years, is that
sexual arousal is also controlled by two different systems in the brain.
In effect, one of these is the accelerator pedal and the other is the
brake. And this matters, because if the brakes are fully engaged – by
stress, anxiety, fear, fatigue, frustration, or any other stressors –
pushing down harder on the accelerator will create arousal only
with difficulty, if at all, and it is not likely to be very enjoyable.</blockquote>
<blockquote>
Janssen & Bancroft called the accelerator the Sexual Excitation
System, or SES, and they called the brake the Sexual Inhibitory System,
or SIS. And they found that people differ a great deal in the
sensitivity of both of these systems.</blockquote>
This dual control model actually grew out of 30+ years of theorizing
about and research on performance anxiety in men. Janssen and Bancroft
began developing the model in the 1990s as a reaction to the inadequacy
of single-scale approaches to male arousal. <br />
<br />
For example, this paper from 2002 discusses use of the SIS and SES specifically with men:<br />
<a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12476243"><em>The Sexual Inhibition (SIS) and Sexual Excitation (SES) Scales: I. Measuring sexual inhibition and excitation proneness in men.</em></a><span class="noCtrlF keyNavAnnotation" data-text="[1]" title="press 1 to open link"></span><br />
<br />
By that point they had established the validity of their theoretical
framework for men. The obvious question was whether it also applied to
women, especially since there were obvious parallels in terms of the
effects of stress versus arousal on female low libido and anorgasmia.<br />
<br />
Research since then has illuminated some gender differences, but it
has also has shown that the dual control model is a remarkably good
general explanatory framework for many psychogenic sexual problems for
both sexes. It remains the best meta-level model for explaining what
researchers see happening in terms of both physiological and
psychological processes.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.indiana.edu/~sexlab/files/pubs/JanssenBancroft.pdf">As J&B wrote in 2007</a><span class="noCtrlF keyNavAnnotation" data-text="[2]" title="press 2 to open link"></span>:<br />
<blockquote>
Although the concepts of excitation and inhibition are probably just
as relevant (if not more; cf. Bjorkland & Kipp, 1996) to women's
sexual responses, and although the SIS/SES questionnaire has
demonstrated its value in research in women (Carpenter, Graham, Janssen,
Vorst, & Wicherts, 2006), <em>the measure was originally developed
for use in men because the available research underlying the dual
control model was largely restricted to the neurophysiology and
psychophysiology of male sexual response.</em> ...</blockquote>
<blockquote>
We now also have a substantial amount of data from women on the role
of sexual excitation and inhibition and of the relationship between mood
and sexuality. ... Confirmatory factor analyses of women's SIS/SES
scores provided moderate support for the higher-level model found in
men. As we had previously found in men, correlations in women between
the sexual excitation (SES) factor and the two sexual inhibition factors
(SIS1 and SIS2) were low, while the SIS1 and SIS2 factors exhibited a
modest positive correlation.</blockquote>
However, the original questionnaire had a tilt toward men's problems,
so they developed alternatives that would be more gender neutral, or
more suitable for women:<br />
<blockquote>
Gender differences were found, with women scoring higher on the ...
inhibition factors and lower on the sexual excitation factor in
comparison with men. The test-retest reliability and convergent and
discriminant validity of women's SIS/SES scores, using the original
factor structure, were similar to those we found for men. In this study
we also developed and tested a short version of the SIS/SES
questionnaire (SIS/SES--Short Form), which features items with similar
psychometric properties in women and men. The 14-item version of the
SIS/SES showed to be associated with test-retest reliability and
convergent/discriminant validity that closely resemble the longer,
45-item measure.</blockquote>
<blockquote>
While these preliminary findings suggest that the SIS/SES
questionnaire may also be of value in research on sexual response,
functioning, and behavior in women, substantial progress has been made
in work on the development of a new measure, designed specifically for
use in women (Graham, Sanders, Milhausen, & McBride, 2004). One of
the starting points of this project is that the SIS/SES questionnaire
may not tap all relevant sources of sexual excitation and inhibition in
women, including effects of body self-consciousness, concerns related to
reputation, and relationship variables.</blockquote>
The version used by Nagoski is the one developed for women ~2004 and later revised.<br />
<br />
The Kinsey Institute for Sex Research is located at Indiana
University. Nagoski was a graduate student at IU at the time this research
was going on, and received her PhD in 2006. Although her own research
and dissertation were in a different area, this was one of the hottest
topics in her department in ~2001-2005 when she was doing her graduate
coursework.<br />
<br />
For a longer, gender-neutral version, google "SESII-W/M" or "Sexual Excitation/Sexual Inhibition Inventory for Women and Men" and follow the scoring instructions.<br />
<br />
This article is an excellent summary of the inspiration, the concepts, and the research that has gone into the design of the various DCM questionnaires, as well as what researchers have learned from using them: <a href="https://kundoc.com/pdf-the-dual-control-model-of-sexual-response-by-j-bancroft-and-e-janssen-theoretica.html" target="_blank">The Dual Control Model of Sexual Response by J.Bancroft and E.Janssen.</a><br />
<br />
Janssen's 2007 book, <em>The Psychophysiology of Sex,</em> is also excellent if you want to dig into this further. Or google '<em>the Dual Control Model of Sexual Arousal</em>' for lots of additional information.</div>
</div>
Shakti Amaranthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16204671934660827381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7299662952978736845.post-56970047268246940642018-01-31T23:30:00.001-08:002022-01-28T23:13:01.806-08:00For Girls & Women – First Time Masturbation Without a VibeThis was an interesting question:<br /><br /><i><b>How can a woman masturbate and reach orgasm without sex toys?</b></i><div>
<i><b><br /></b></i></div>
<div>
This was my answer:</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">You don't need toys, but they do make it easier. In most cases, the reason for not getting a vibrator or dildo is lack of privacy, but you can cope with that with a little bit of ingenuity. </span><br style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><br style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><span style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">However, most women </span><i style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">can</i><span style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;"> manage without them.</span><br style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><br style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><span style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">Assuming you haven't done this before, here's a good twelve step program for learning how to have solo sex:<a name='more'></a></span></div>
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<b style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;"><br /></b></div>
<div>
<b style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">Step One</b><span style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">: Pick your time and place wisely. Turn off your phone, and make sure you will have complete privacy and won't be interrupted.</span><br style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><br style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><b style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">Step Two</b><span style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">: Arrange a comfortable place. It can be your bed, a nest of pillows on the couch or in a corner, or anywhere comfortable with a bit of support for your shoulders and head. Put a comfortable towel wherever your butt is going to be.</span><br style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><br style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><b style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">Step Three: </b><span style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">Get some oil or lube ready. A quarter cup of any plain vegetable oil will do. Try to find a wide, low jar, bottle, glass, or dish for it that won't spill easily. (And, if you get a chance, warm it up before step six.)</span><br style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><br style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><b style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">Step Four: </b><span style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">Get completely relaxed!</span></div>
<div>
<br style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><ul style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px; list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; margin: 0px 2em 1em 0px; padding: 0px;">
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0px 2em; padding: 0px 0px 0.7em; position: relative;">Go for a swim or a run, ride a bike, do sit ups, climb a rope, whatever it takes to get your muscles working and get to a state of pleasant tiredness. </li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0px 2em; padding: 0px 0px 0.7em; position: relative;">Take a nice long bath or shower. Really pay attention to the sensations of the water on your skin. </li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0px 2em; padding: 0px 0px 0.7em; position: relative;">Using your hands, not a rough cloth, wash yourself all over with long, firm sensual strokes. Give plenty of attention to anything that feels good, but don't get soap or water inside your vagina or anus.</li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0px 2em; padding: 0px 0px 0.7em; position: relative;">Dry off, paying attention again to how nice the towel feels</li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0px 2em; padding: 0px; position: relative;">Meditate if you know how</li>
</ul>
<br style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><b style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">Step Five</b><span style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;"> (optional): Read or watch something that you know turns you on. I recommend against going on the Internet and just cruising for porn at this point unless you are very knowledgeable. It's more likely to be frustrating or distracting than it is to get you in the mood, so try to stick with something you already know gets you hot. If that's looking at pix of your favorite celebrity crush and fantasizing about him, that works too!</span><br style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><br style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><b style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">Step Six</b><span style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">: Warm the oil if possible. (Test it on your wrist to be sure it is just warm, not hot!) Then use your hands to separate your labia and rub oil over the whole area between them (called the vestibule), from the clitoris at the top down to the vaginal opening. Use a finger or two to work some oil into the vagina.</span><br style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><br style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><b style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">Step Seven</b><span style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">: Rub, press, tap, stroke, and play with everything in that zone. Try using your fingers to slide the clitoral hood around over your clitoris, up and down, sideways, and in circles. Squeeze it, tap on it, or press hard on it with your fist. Probe inside your vagina or massage around the opening. Squeeze your labia together and rub them up and down. Add oil as needed. Use a bit of extra oil to rub your nipples too.</span><br style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><br style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><span style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">Continue step seven until you find something that feels good, then keep doing it! Experiment from time to time with other movements, but keep coming back to what works. If you find two things that feel good, alternate or combine them. The reason you should keep experimenting is that some things don't feel like anything special at the start, but start to feel really good </span><i style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">after</i><span style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;"> you get aroused. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">[If you need more specific instructions or inspiration, there's a terrific website that provides really cool video tutorials. Here's a review: <a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2016/12/omg-yes.html" target="_blank">OMG Yes!!!</a>]</span></div>
<div>
<br style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><b style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">Step Eight</b><span style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">: When you find something good, or a good combination, settle into a rhythm. When you don't need to think about your hands too much, start to fantasize about your favorite crush doing to you exactly what most turns you on. Only you know what your fantasies are, but remember, they're JUST fantasies. As long as they stay inside your head, they aren't wrong and they aren't going to hurt anyone else. So be bold, be bawdy, be raunchy, be weird, be wild! Be the star and the director of your own RomCom, softcore, hentai, or XXX movie!</span><br style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><br style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><b style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">Step Nine</b><span style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">: Hopefully, this step will take care of itself. If everything goes well, you should feel increasing urgency and a need to go faster or harder. Your breathing and heart rate will speed up, a lot of your muscles may tighten, you'll feel like you're about to explode...and then you do! Enjoy! That's an orgasm!</span><br style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><br style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><b style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">Step Ten</b><span style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">: As you come back down to earth, keep (or resume) doing whatever you were doing, but more slowly. After a while, if you have the stamina, pick up the pace again and loop back to Step Eight. Do this as many times as you can. Each additional orgasm takes </span><i style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">much</i><span style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;"> less time and effort than the first one, so don't waste the opportunity!</span><br style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><br style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><b style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">Step Eleven</b><span style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">: When you're really done, slow down gradually, and then cup your hand over your whole crotch area. Press firmly on your mound and vulva, and use your other hand to gently rub your breasts, belly, and thighs. Good job!</span><br style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><br style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><b style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">Step Twelve</b><span style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">: Towel off any excess oil, tidy up the area, hide any incriminating evidence, and put the towel where it will get washed. (Vegetable oil will go rancid in a few days if you just shove it in a closet.) </span><br style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><br style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><span style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">Congratulations! Do the whole program several times and continue to experiment with different touches until you really get to know what works well for you. When you've figured out what works best for you, you can start working out what parts of the program you can skip. Many women can do without the warmup activities and the lube, and manage an orgasm in 20 minutes or less with just their fingers because they know their own bodies and they know just where to put how much friction and pressure.</span><br style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><br style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><b style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">FAQ</b><br style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><b style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">How long does it usually take?</b><br style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><span style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">It depends. If it's your first time, I've heard people say anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour once they get settled into serious masturbation. Try to allow about 90 minutes for the whole thing, or longer if you get serious about the physical exercise.</span><br style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><br style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><b style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">What if it didn't work?</b><br style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><span style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">Try again as soon as possible! If it doesn't work for you the first time, the biggest reasons are:</span><br style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><ul style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px; list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; margin: 0px 2em 1em 0px; padding: 0px;">
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0px 2em; padding: 0px 0px 0.7em; position: relative;">not private/scared of interruptions</li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0px 2em; padding: 0px 0px 0.7em; position: relative;">that voice in my head keeps telling me it's a sin</li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0px 2em; padding: 0px 0px 0.7em; position: relative;">not enough time</li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0px 2em; padding: 0px 0px 0.7em; position: relative;">didn't get really relaxed first</li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0px 2em; padding: 0px 0px 0.7em; position: relative;">antidepressants, anti-anxiety drugs, or other meds that block or delay orgasms</li>
<li style="margin: 0px 0px 0px 2em; padding: 0px; position: relative;">just the awkwardness of learning to do things the first time</li>
</ul>
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">Whatever it was that was getting in the way, try hard to fix it. The second time will be easier, since you'll know the script and you'll have a better idea of what works and what doesn't. Most girls get it within a few tries.</span><br style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><br style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><b style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">What if it still doesn't work?</b><br style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><span style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">If you can feel the pressure for an orgasm building and building, but you can never quite get it to release, you need to figure out some way </span><i style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">to give yourself permission to let go</i><span style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">. I've had women tell me they hung for the longest time because of a fear of losing control. So keep telling yourself, it's okay to let go!</span><br style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><br style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><span style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">A special case: some women interpret the increasing sexual tension as an urgent need to pee, so they build right up to the edge of an orgasm and then jump up and run to the toilet, where - as often as not - nothing happens. </span><br style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><br style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><span style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">Here's the key thing you need to know about that: the urethral sphincter clamps shut as soon as you get sexually aroused. It's almost impossible to pee when you're anywhere close to having an orgasm! This is just your body getting confused between two different signals coming from the same part of the body. If you can't resolve it through will-power, try masturbating in the tub and give yourself permission to pee if that's what happens. It won't, but you'll feel safer and be much more likely to orgasm.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">If none of those things apply, it's time to get a vibrator. I like a deep rumbly kind, like the classic Hitachi Magic Wand. The Vibratex Mystic Wand is similar, but cordless and waterproof, so you can use it in the tub as well as in bed.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">There are many other great toys out there, but it's worth looking at review sites (like </span><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><a href="https://www.ohjoysextoy.com/best-of-2017/" target="_blank">Oh Joy Sex Toy</a>)</span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, Times New Roman, Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro, Meiryo, serif;"><span style="font-size: 16px;"> </span></span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">for toys that are safe and effective. Just don't buy super-cheap hard plastic toys. They're useless and don't last.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", "Hiragino Kaku Gothic Pro", Meiryo, serif; font-size: 16px;">Another excellent alternative is a pulsating shower head.</span></div>
Shakti Amaranthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16204671934660827381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7299662952978736845.post-2231925770198188872017-12-31T20:41:00.008-08:002023-10-16T23:51:16.987-07:00Better Sex 101This blog is mainly about tantric sex, and tantra is not for sexual novices. However, I can remember reading things about sex when I was young that were way over my head, and I suspect that there may be a few other curious novices out there doing the same thing with this blog.<br />
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In addition, the comments and emails I receive tell me that there are many people who are fairly experienced, at least in terms of having had sex fairly often, who still don't know a lot of the basics of human anatomy and good sexual practices.<br />
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So I wanted to step back for a moment and create a guide to the basics, the kind of "sex ed" that young people need, but rarely get.<br />
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(Note: this guide was written for opposite-sex couples, but it should be fairly easy to adapt most things for same-sex couples and skip over the parts that are irrelevant.)<br />
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<a name='more'></a><br />
<h3>
For Virgins</h3>
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If you're looking forward to your first time and you want to know how to make it a success, here are two posts I wrote just for you:</div>
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<ul>
<li><a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2014/06/aunt-shaktis-action-plan-for-proactive.html" target="_blank">Aunt Shakti's Action Plan for Proactive Modern Virgins</a>, and</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2015/10/a-guide-for-male-virgins.html" target="_blank">Aunt Shakti's Guide for Male Virgins</a></li>
</ul>
</div>
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<h3>
Good Sex: the Basics</h3>
People love self-help and self-improvement books that promise instant results without any pain or effort. In the case of sex, it’s actually possible to write such a book without too much exaggeration (if you don’t mind padding a short article out to book length) because there are a few relatively simple things that would greatly improve sex for many couples.<br />
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More specifically, these simple steps would improve sex for many women and a lot of men, and we can hope that the rest of the men would be glad to go along because the women in their lives will be happier and more satisfied, and will thank them for being better lovers.<br />
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Here’s my 12-step summary for beginners:<br />
<ol>
<li><b>Take your time.</b> Fast, urgent sex is sometimes great fun, but it’s terrible as a steady diet. It’s particularly hard on women, who on the average take considerably longer to get sexually aroused than men do. (See #5 below.) If you are routinely spending less than half an hour on a sexual encounter, including foreplay, you are cheating yourselves.</li>
<li><b>Learn more about female anatomy.</b> This applies to both men <i>and</i> women. If you’re unsure about where the parts are, what they do, how they are connected to each other both physically and neurologically, what they look like in different stages of arousal, and what usually makes them feel good, you’re really sailing in a fog. (Understanding male anatomy is good, too, but male arousal and orgasm are much more straightforward and a guy’s manly parts are right out there and easy to see, so there’s not such a mystery.) See the diagrams at the end of this article for a start.</li>
<li><b>Communicate! Communicate! Communicate!</b> You have to tell each other what feels good, what gets you aroused, what hurts, and what is just a downer. Get over being shy about sex and <i>talk</i> about it. If necessary, get out a good diagram of the male and female bodies and go over it together, so you know what she means when she says <i>rub that!</i> It’s also a good icebreaker. Even better, get naked and have a show and tell, finding, touching and naming the parts on the charts.</li>
<li><b>Make sure you have a common language.</b> If one of you says “fuck,” “dick,” “pussy,” and “asshole,” and the other says “intercourse,” “penis,” “vulva,” and “anus,” then every time the two of you try to talk about sex you’re going to be triggering class- and culture-based resistance that blocks communication. Find a common ground you can both accept. In general, my advice is to use the <i>least</i> formal words that are acceptable to the <i>more</i> formal person. Even if your partner’s sex vocabulary sounds ridiculously prim and proper to you, using his or her vocabulary will be less strain for you. Your partner will have a much harder time using your words, and will not be able to stop the feeling that they are stupid and vulgar and make sex seem dirty and nasty.</li>
<li><b>She comes first.</b> Most men can reach orgasm without any problem. Most women, especially younger women, can’t simply hop in bed and expect an orgasm from straight vaginal sex. Until you really know how to satisfy each other completely, make her needs the priority. Guys, learn how to stimulate her vulva and clitoris with your fingers, lips, and tongue, a vibrator, or whatever works best for her. In many cases, that means using oral and manual stimulation to give her <i>at least</i> one orgasm before starting vaginal sex. Once you can get her to orgasm in one way, or in some combination, you can branch out to more variety.</li>
<li><b>Use <i>lots</i> of lube.</b> Rubbing dry, delicate tissue hurts. <a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2016/04/the-mystery-of-arousal-and-vaginal.html" target="_blank">A woman's natural lubrication can be quite unreliable and inconsistent, and it is not an accurate reflection of arousal.</a> So, men, don't count on nature providing the lube she needs. Make sure her whole vulva, including her labia and clit, is slick before you go rubbing and poking down there. Ditto for the vagina. Use spit if you have to, but be generous and renew it often. I recommend silicone-based lubes. They are safe with condoms, silkier than oil, and much longer-lasting than water-based lubes. (Just don’t use silicone-based lubes with silicone sex toys.)</li>
<li><b><i>Nothing</i> goes into her vagina until she’s <i>fully</i> aroused.</b> That doesn’t just mean she’s a little damp around the entrance. The outer labia, the clit, and the inner walls of the vagina should all be noticeably swollen and the vulva should get a lot pinker or redder. Yes, I know, it’s hard to tell if the lights are low or she’s shy about you looking, but you can tell a great deal just by touch, particularly if you consciously notice and remember what things felt like at the very start. Her breathing should change, too, and she may get noticeably flushed, but you have to be familiar with a particular person to know how much is enough. So ask her to give you a signal when she's ready, and then wait for it!</li>
<li><b>Ladies, take charge.</b> If you’re a woman, <i>insist</i> on rules 5, 6, & 7. Carry your own favorite lube and either make the guy use it or apply it yourself. Masturbate and explore your body on your own until you <i>know</i> how to tell for sure when you’re really ready for the next step. When you <i>are</i> ready, and not beforehand, give your partner a clear signal to go ahead. Too many women, especially young women, get intimidated into having bad sex, even painful sex, because they aren’t willing to speak up and tell guys what they need to do. And you know what? Most guys <i>want</i> to be good lovers, and they know deep down that they’re pretty clueless. But they don’t want to sound stupid, so they won’t ask you for help. As long as you’re nice and non-judgmental about it, your partner will almost always grateful for some guidance.</li>
<li><b>Guys, don’t pound away like you’re a human jackhammer. </b>You may think you’re John Henry the Steel Driving Man, but she’s not going to applaud your performance if all you do is thrust as fast and as hard as you can. Slow down. Thrust gently, especially at first. Try different tempos. Switch between long, slow strokes and short, quick strokes. Feel and listen to her response. Try to catch <i>her</i> rhythm and match it. If you feel like you’re getting ahead of her, stop and shift to a position where you can massage her clit with your fingers while moving very slowly inside her. (Don’t forget the lube!) Let her get ahead of you – you can always catch up! She will love you for it.</li>
<li><b>Have a threesome with a vibrator.</b> At a certain point “Ladies, take charge!" means taking responsibility for your own orgasms. If he’s not getting you fully aroused before penetration, ask him to hold and cuddle you while you stimulate yourself with your fingers or your favorite sex toy. He’ll learn a lot just by seeing what you do. If you get aroused enough for comfortable penetration, but still can’t climax with vaginal sex, try the cowgirl position. But don’t bounce up and down! Instead rock or slide forward and back, moving just enough to keep your partner erect while using your fingers or a vibrator to bring yourself to orgasm. You may find that it happens faster and is more intense with him inside you, and hearing and feeling you come may be all it takes to make <i>him</i> come. (If not, ride him hard until he does, and you may get a second orgasm as a bonus!)</li>
<li><b>Check out the back door.</b> The anus is amazingly sensitive and can be a source of intense pleasure, if approached correctly – or intense pain if abused. <i>Rule #1: If it hurts, <b>STOP</b>! You’re doing it wrong!</i> Get a book, preferably Tristan Taormino’s <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Ultimate-Guide-Anal-Women-Edition/dp/1573442216" target="_blank">The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women 2nd Ed</a>. Read it, think about it, get some anal toys, experiment on yourself, share the book with your partner, and then, if you <i>both</i> decide to go ahead, follow Tristan’s advice and use common sense.</li>
<li><b>Love matters.</b> The hookup generation doesn’t know what it’s missing. The excitement that comes with having sex with a comparative stranger is real, but it fades fast. Time, patience, love, trust, shared language, true intimacy, knowledge of each other’s wants and needs – these don’t come with hookups. Most women, no matter how aggressive and independent they think they are about sex, simply <i>cannot</i> respond as fully with an uncaring stranger as with a loving and trusted partner. And young guys, in particular, are often satisfied with getting laid and have no idea what they are missing. All they know is that orgasms feel good, and getting one from a girl feels better than masturbating. Until they have experienced real intimacy and <i>good</i> sex, they have no clue how much better that can be.</li>
</ol>
You can get all this from hundreds of different books and websites. I repeated it here because a) there’s also a lot of bad advice out there, b) some readers of this blog may be young or inexperienced and not know some of these tips, and c) it only takes a few pages to make sure we’re all ON the same page, so why not?<br />
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This post is part of a blog about tantric sex, written mainly for couples. If you’re single, or you’re in a relatively new relationship and things are not going well, I’m certainly not going to discourage you from reading about tantra on this blog. It can really help to know what success looks like, even when you feel like you are discouragingly far away from it.<br />
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But I do somewhat want to discourage you from springing the idea of learning tantric sex on a partner or prospective partner until you have the sexual basics worked out and are comfortable with each other. I’ve heard of men hustling women with the line that they are tantric masters who can promise to give a woman a night in paradise. For myself, I’m skeptical about whether someone who has just read a book or blog about tantric sex could possibly do something as basic as a satisfactory yoni massage on a near-stranger without knowing a lot more about her body and her orgasmic curve than any book can teach.<br />
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In the meantime, though, there are a lot of things you can learn that will help make you better - more skilled, more knowledgeable, more confident, more joyful - in bed.<br />
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<h3>
<u>Some anatomical illustrations to get you started</u></h3>
<div>
<b><br /></b><b>Cross section view of the female reproductive system:</b><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/1/1b/Illu_repdt_female.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="368" src="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/1/1b/Illu_repdt_female.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><div style="text-align: center;">[Public domain image from the Wikimedia Commons; https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/1/1b/Illu_repdt_female.jpg]</div></span></div>
<div>
<br />The woman in this image is facing to her left. The "symphysis pubis" is the pubic bone, the hard horizontal bar you can feel just below the bikini line. The "mons pubis" is the hairy, fleshy pad that covers and cushions the pubic bone. The clitoris and the labia (or "lips") are described below. The anus isn't labeled; it's the outlet from the rectum at the lower right.<br />
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The G-spot isn't labeled either, partly because it's not really an anatomical structure. Instead, it's an area on the front wall of the vagina, about 1-2" from the entrance, that has special sensitivity for many women. In the image above, the arrow that points to the Vagina (in general) happens to point right at the upper edge of the G-spot. The arrow that points to the Urethra passes through the lower edge of the G-spot.<br />
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If you feel along the front wall of the vagina between those two spots when you are (or your partner is) already fully aroused, you may find what feels like a lumpy or corrugated region behind the wall of the vagina. That's the G-spot. But remember that not all women have extra sensitivity in this area.<br />
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<b>What's wrong with that cross-section view?</b><br />
Several things make this drawing look distorted. First, the bladder and rectum are drawn as if they were fully inflated. When empty, they both collapse into flat structures that take up much less space. So unless you need to go pee or poop, they collapse like deflated balloons.<br />
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Second, the vagina is shown stretched out straight and slightly open, like a hollow tube. In reality, the unaroused vagina is flat, not hollow, and the front and back walls are in full contact with each other unless something is holding them apart. The unaroused vagina is also normally somewhat crumpled, like an empty sock, because the uterus and cervix are usually positioned somewhat lower than shown in the illustration, which lets the unaroused vagina slump down into the pelvic cavity.</div><div>
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(When you become sexually aroused, the uterus gets pulled upward into the abdomen, pulling up on the cervix, which lengthens and straightens out the vagina in preparation for sex. But if you are just putting a tampon in, you may have noticed that you sometimes run into obstructions and have to follow something of a zigzag path. That's because of the crumpling that occurs when everything in there is relaxed and pushed down.)<br />
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Third, only about half of all women have a uterus that folds forward and rests on the bladder as shown in this drawing. For the other half, it tips backward and rests on the rectum, or it is angled somewhere between those extremes. This changes the angle of the cervix and the location where it attaches to the vagina. This can make some important differences in how two people's genitals fit together. (See <a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2016/11/the-fabulous-fornix.html" target="_blank">"The Fabulous Fornix"</a> for more on the difference this can make.)<br />
<br /></div>
<b>The vulva or pussy (female external genital area):</b><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/b/b7/Vulva_labeled_english.jpg/526px-Vulva_labeled_english.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/b/b7/Vulva_labeled_english.jpg/526px-Vulva_labeled_english.jpg" width="350" /></a></div>
<br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">[Public domain image from the Wikimedia Commons; https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/b/b7/Vulva_labeled_english.jpg/526px-Vulva_labeled_english.jpg]</span></div>
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<b>Not shown:</b> The <b><i>clitoral shaft </i></b>is hidden under the clitoral hood. The shaft also extends for a considerable distance up behind the mons pubis. The "legs" and "bulbs" of the clitoris then extend downward behind the labia and on either side of the introitus or vaginal orifice (opening). This extended internal part of the clitoris responds to stimulation from the outside as well as through the front wall of the vagina, in the area commonly known as the "G-spot."<div><br /></div><div><div><div><h3><b>The Clitoris</b></h3></div>The head of the clit is often said to be the size of a pea or pencil eraser, but it can vary quite a lot in size. In fact, clitorises vary much more in size than penises do. Some clits are completely hidden by the clitoral hood (above), or are small but still visible when aroused, while others (below) are much larger and quite prominent. All sizes are "normal" and there doesn't seem to be much, if any, functional difference, although a tiny clit can certainly be harder for a man to find.<br /><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://40.media.tumblr.com/80b8da421c2791ded26a00b09147625e/tumblr_nfmr15yekf1tttic2o1_500.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://40.media.tumblr.com/80b8da421c2791ded26a00b09147625e/tumblr_nfmr15yekf1tttic2o1_500.jpg" width="252" /></a></div></div></div><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px;"><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px;"><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px;"><div><div style="text-align: left;"><a href="http://befke.tumblr.com/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Source: Befke's World (tumbler 119547706886)</span></a></div></div></blockquote></blockquote></blockquote><div><div><br /><b>Below: </b>The glans, shaft, and legs of the clitoris are shown in the darker color on the right. The legs surround the "bulbs of vestibular" of the clitoris that are right behind most of the vulva and on either side of the vaginal opening. You can see from this that only a tiny part of the clit is actually visible, even when the hood ("prepuce") is retracted.</div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/7/79/Vulva_Figure_28_02_02.jpg" rel="nofollow" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" data-original-height="428" data-original-width="729" height="235" src="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/7/79/Vulva_Figure_28_02_02.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">[Public domain image from the Wikimedia Commons;</span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/7/79/Vulva_Figure_28_02_02.jpg</span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #252525; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Source: Anatomy & Physiology, Cnx.org/content/col11496/1.6/, Jun 19, 2013.]</span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #252525; font-size: x-small; text-align: left;"><br /></span></div>
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<h3>
<b>Vulvas differ A LOT in appearance</b></h3>
Compare the photos above with the photos below. Vulvas differ much more than penises do. As my gynecologist friend says, <i>"There's no such thing as a standard model vulva."</i><br />
<i><br /></i>For example, the woman pictured below is an "outie": her clitoral hood is clearly visible and her inner lips (<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Labia_minora" target="_blank">labia minora</a>) extend past her outer lips (<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Labia_majora" target="_blank">labia majora</a>). Some women have inner lips that are much wider, with rippled or scalloped edges. Also, the left and right inner lips can be quite different sizes.</div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/a/a3/Close_Up_of_a_Vagina_with_Labia_Minora_open_and_Clitoris.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="477" data-original-width="800" height="239" src="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/a/a3/Close_Up_of_a_Vagina_with_Labia_Minora_open_and_Clitoris.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><span style="font-size: x-small;">Source: Iamindiarose, CC BY-SA 4.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0>, via Wikimedia Commons</span><br /><div><br />
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Other women have inner lips that are much narrower and are entirely hidden inside the unaroused vulva. (See the left-hand picture in the pair labeled "<b>What female sexual arousal looks like</b>," further down.)<br />
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Colors vary, too, and even fair-skinned women can have inner lips that have dark brown or even purplish edges.<br />
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Some outer lips are thinner (below left) than others, while some are quite a bit thicker (second from the top); some meet in the middle, while others leave a gap.<br />
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<div>
<br /></div>
</div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><b style="text-align: left;">What female sexual arousal looks like:</b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/2/26/Female_sexual_arousal.JPG/800px-Female_sexual_arousal.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/2/26/Female_sexual_arousal.JPG/800px-Female_sexual_arousal.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "times";">"</span><span face="sans-serif" style="background-color: #f9f9f9; color: black;">In the left image female genitalia are in the resting state. In the right image the female is sexually aroused, the vulva is moist and the labia are slightly swollen." (</span><span face="sans-serif" style="color: black;"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vulva#Excitement"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vulva#Excitement</span></a>)</span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Notice that this woman is an "innie"—her clit and inner lips (labia minora) are tucked away inside the outer lips (labia majora) in the resting state and are barely visible when she's aroused unless the outer lips are held apart.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><h3 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Arousal</span></h3>
As shown above, most of the clitoris is hidden. The shaft is covered by the clitoral hood and the clitoral "legs" and "bulbs" extend down behind the vulva and around the vaginal opening.<br />
<br />
The entire clitoris can become aroused and suffused with blood, including all the hidden parts. However, it takes time, usually 20-30 minutes of effective stimulation, for this to happen.<br />
<br />
Women naturally experience the greatest pleasure and the strongest orgasms when fully aroused, and many women are simply incapable of having an orgasm, even a weak one, without reaching full arousal.<br />
<br />
This is one of the main reasons why so many women (70-80% in most studies) say they seldom or never have orgasms during "normal" sex. Most men either aren't aware of how much time is required to get their partners fully aroused or else they are too impatient to take the time and make the effort before they begin vaginal penetration and thrusting.<br />
<br />
Even if enough time is allowed, physical and emotional tension can inhibit arousal and orgasm for many women, so it is also essential to remove as many sources of tension as possible. A woman who feels relaxed, confident, and safe is far more likely to become aroused and to have an orgasm.<br />
<div>
<br />
<h3>
<span class="s1">Large Labia</span></h3>
<div>
<span class="s1">Apparently some women feel self-conscious about having inner lips that stick out. Or they worry that a man will be repelled by their vulva because it has an unusual appearance.</span><br />
<span class="s1"><br /></span><span class="s1">This is based on understandable ignorance, since most straight woman aren't in a position to see other women's genitals up close. So, instead, they compare themselves to </span>marble statues and prepubescent girls, not realizing how much variety is normal and expected for a woman's vulva.<br />
<span class="s1"><br /></span><span class="s1">Some women have gone so far as to have "labioplasty" operations to change their vulva's appearance. These operations have led to a rash of side-effects and complications including scarring, numbness, and pain during sex.<br /><br />In reality, more than half of all women are "outies," so longer lips are very common, and men seem to be universally fascinated by the variety and not at all turned off by an unusual appearance. If you get any surprised comments from an inexperienced lover because your vulva looks different from the images he saw in some book or video, I strongly recommend sending him to websites like <a href="http://www.labialibrary.org.au/photo-gallery/#" target="_blank">the Labia Library</a> or <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/labia/" target="_blank">r/labia</a> to discover for himself just how much normal variation there is.<br /><br />Ironically, given some women's concern with purely cosmetic issues, it is the women with the <i>smallest</i> inner labia who miss out to some extent during sex. In some cases the inner labia are so narrow (a quarter inch or less) that a lover has nothing to spread, caress, lick, or play with. At the opposite extreme, a pair with frilled or scalloped edges or that spreads out like butterfly wings offers a creative lover much more scope for giving a woman pleasure.</span><br />
<span class="s1"><br /></span></div>
<h3>
Women and Pubic Hair</h3>
</div>
One obvious way that the pictures above are abnormal is that I've chosen ones without any pubic hair in order to make the anatomy easier to see. In many cultures this is rare, and in some it is considered decadent or obscene. On the other hand, it sometimes becomes fashionable and may seem almost mandatory. This happened in certain circles in the U.S. not too long ago, though the fashion now seems to be fading.<br />
<br />
Pubic hair does provide some protection for sensitive anatomy, but the benefit appears minor, so whether it is removed, trimmed, or maintained in its natural state should be entirely up to its owner.<br />
<br />
One factor that may affect your choice is how abundant your pubic hair is naturally. Some people have very little, while others have luxurious thickets, covering a great deal of the inner thigh as well as the crotch and lower abdomen.<br />
<br />
Most people I know who have shaved completely have found that keeping the entire area bare is just too much hassle over the long run. Shaving the outer labia, in particular, often leads to nicks, razor bumps, and stubble, while waxing is complicated, expensive, and painful, and all of the choices are time-consuming. By all means try it if you and your partner like the bald look, but be aware that there are no simple, hassle-free ways to keep it immaculate.<br />
<br />
My own preference, as someone with a lot of hair down there, is to shave my legs all the way up, shave above the bikini line, trim all the hair in the bikini zone to about an inch, and use conditioner to keep it soft. This avoids having an irritating stubble in the genital area while still making sure that pubic hairs won't get in the way of oral. (Also, I'm short, skinny, and flat-chested, so if I go completely bare down there I look way too much like a little girl!)</div><div>
<br />
<h2>
<b>The male genitals:</b></h2>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/e/e9/Penis_with_Labels.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/e/e9/Penis_with_Labels.jpg" width="332" /></a></div>
<br />
[Public domain image from the Wikimedia Commons; author: Coastone; https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/e/e9/Penis_with_Labels.jpg]<br />
<br />
The wrinkled area below and behind the shaft is the scrotum, containing the testes or testicles. Urine and semen emerge from the “meatus” or urethral opening.<br />
<br />
<b>The development of a penile erection</b>, also showing the foreskin gradually retracting over the glans:<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/2/2b/Erection_Development.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="531" src="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/2/2b/Erection_Development.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">[Public domain image from the Wikimedia Commons; author: OrlandoDL; https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/2/2b/Erection_Development.jpg]</span></div>
<br />
Once again, appearances vary a lot! Some penises are straight, some are even more curved than the one shown, and some curve left or right or down instead of up. The shaft can be longer, shorter, thicker, or thinner than shown. The glans (head) can be wider, thinner, or more bulbous. The scrotum can be longer and looser, allowing the testicles to hang down further. And, of course, circumcised men don't have a foreskin, so the glans is always exposed instead of being covered when the penis is relaxed.<br />
<br />
The relaxed penis can be almost the same length as the erection, or it can be much shorter, as shown in the first frame. (In the vernacular, 'some men are showers, and others are growers.') And the angle of the erection can vary from quite upright (a bit more vertical than shown) to straight out at a 90 degree angle or all the way down to pointing at the floor. It's the firmness, not the angle that matters.<br />
<br />
<b>Cross-section view:</b><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/d/d1/Male_anatomy_en.svg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="307" src="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/d/d1/Male_anatomy_en.svg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<div>
</div><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><div style="text-align: center;">[Public domain image from the Wikimedia Commons; author: Elf Sternberg; https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/d/d1/Male_anatomy_en.svg]</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div></span>
<br />
<div class="p1">
<u><b>Unlabeled</b></u><br />
The <b>corona</b> is the thickened ridge around the edge of the <i>glans penis</i> (the head of the penis). The whole glans is sensitive to pressure and friction, but for many men the corona is especially so.<br />
<br />
The <b>frenulum</b> is a small, sensitive membrane on the underside of the shaft of the penis, right where it joins the head. In the drawing above, it's on the part of the shaft that is closest to the top of the testis (testicle). In uncircumcised men, like the ones shown above, it is a membrane that attaches the foreskin to the shaft. In circumcised men, some or all of the frenulum may have been removed. What remains is often a thin line that runs for an inch or so from the head of the penis down the center of the shaft, right over the urethra.<br />
<br />
The <b>perineum</b>, or "taint," is the space between the legs at the very bottom of the pelvic area, between the scrotum and the anus.<br />
<br />
Notice that the root of the penis is located inside the body, above the perineum. The root is almost as long as the exposed external part of the penis, and it is sensitive to pressure in many of the same ways.</div><div class="p1">
<br />
Massaging either the perineum or the front wall of the rectum also massages the prostate gland, a form of stimulation that many men enjoy.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br />
<h3>
<b>Penis size</b></h3>
<div class="p1">
This can be a big source of anxiety for men, although it shouldn't be for most. To find out where you and your sex partner(s) really stand in terms of size, and what difference that makes, if any, please read this:<br />
<br />
<b> <a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/p/penis-size.html">How Much Does Penis Size Matter</a><a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/p/penis-size.html" target="_blank">?</a></b></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<h3>
<b>Premature Ejaculation (PE)</b></h3>
<div class="p1">
This is very common among young men, especially those who are sexually inexperienced. It usually fades with time, but it can be extremely frustrating for both people if you let it become an obstacle to good sex. If, instead, you follow <b>Rule #5: <i>She comes first</i></b>, and make sure the woman has at least one orgasm before you start vaginal sex, PE can be nothing more than a nuisance, or a project that the two of you can work on together.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
If you want to be more active about increasing your stamina, I put together a thorough collection of resources and information to assist you:</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p4">
<span class="s2"><span class="s1"><b> </b><b><a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/p/controlling-premature-early-ejaculation.html">The Best Ways to Control Premature Ejaculation</a></b></span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="p2">
<br />
<h3>
<span class="s1">Tips for Men about </span>Pubic Hair</h3>
</div>
<div class="p2">
<div>
Most people think of managing pubic hair as a woman's issue, but it can actually be <i>more</i> important for men.<br />
<br />
If you're male, take a good look at your penis and scrotum. Many men have hairs growing out of the shaft of the penis itself and don't realize it. And almost all men have hairs growing upward around the base.<br />
<br />
Those hairs are a major turnoff for anyone who might be considering giving you oral. If they get in her teeth or her throat, you can expect her activities to come to a screeching halt while she deals with it. Hacking up a hair that is caught in her throat can take a while and it sounds and feels incredibly unsexy and unromantic, so it's a big buzzkill at best.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
My advice to any man is to make sure that both the shaft itself and the area right around the base of the penis are kept completely hair-free. My partner uses a multi-bladed manual razor and it takes him only a minute or two per week to swipe the hairs from the shaft and the base.<br />
<br />
I also recommend using scissors every week or two to trim the bush above the penis to an inch or so if yours grows much longer than that. Some men prefer to shave it completely, and some women prefer it that way. (If in doubt, ask!)<br />
<br />
One interesting tidbit: trimming or shaving the long pubes down there can make a man's penis appear larger <i>from his own perspective</i>, contributing to a subtle confidence boost.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
But what about the balls? Most men have a lot of long hairs growing from the scrotum. If you don't care about getting oral in that area, that's fine. But if you like having your balls licked and sucked, you need to learn how to shave your scrotum and then keep it hair-free. This takes longer, perhaps 10 minutes a week, but it is definitely worth it.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
A lot of men are scared to take a razor down there. Don't be. Modern multi-bladed razors work fine as long as you stretch the skin smooth.</div>
<div>
<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
<b>However, do NOT try using an electric razor on your penis or scrotum unless the razor is specifically designed for that purpose. The result can be bloody and painful!</b></div>
</div>
<div class="p4">
<span class="s2"><br /></span><h3><span class="s2">More Tips and Ideas</span></h3>
<div>
<span class="s2">This post is part of a book-length collection of articles with a lot of information and practical advice about good sex. It's intended for individuals who want to be better in bed and especially for couples who want to have great sex that will be sustainable in a long-term relationship, without fading away or getting stale.</span></div>
<div>
<span class="s2"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span class="s2">Here's the whole collection:</span></div>
<ul><li><a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2017/10/a-beginners-guide-to-good-great-and.html" target="_blank">A Beginner's Guide to Good, Great, and Amazing Sex</a></li>
</ul>
<span class="s2"><br /></span><span class="s2">Enjoy!</span><br />
<span class="s2"><br /></span><span class="s2">.</span></div>
</div></div>Shakti Amaranthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16204671934660827381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7299662952978736845.post-36827747121409840082017-11-30T23:30:00.001-08:002023-07-20T22:30:50.430-07:00How do I have sex for the first time with my husband on our wedding night?I've been moving sex-related posts from other media over here whenever I have a chance. This post originated with a woman in the Middle East who was entering into an arranged marriage, and she had no idea what the wedding night would be like. I know this sounds strange to most Western readers, but it's a common problem for men and women in traditional cultures, particularly in India and in Muslim countries.<br />
<br />
As an American girl, I've never experienced the sheer lack of knowledge about sex that is commonplace for traditional brides. But with my name and ancestry, I've been asked for advice many times in real life and online by virgin brides, and even some virgin grooms. Here's my attempt to demystify the big event for someone from a traditional culture:<br />
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<a name='more'></a><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: #333333;">There's an almost endless list of things that could affect the answer to this question. For example, you don't say anything about what country you're from, what your cultural and religious beliefs are about marriage, how long you've known your fiancé, how </span><i style="color: #333333;">well</i><span style="color: #333333;"> you know him, how old you are, how old he is, whether you've been intimate at all with him or anyone else (from a kiss to "near-sex"), whether he's experienced or not, and so on. Even physical things can matter, like height, weight, what kind of shape you're both in, and whether either of you have any handicaps.</span><br style="color: #333333;" /><br style="color: #333333;" /><span style="color: #333333;">For all those reasons, any answers I give you here might not be appropriate. However, I just wrote a fairly complete guide to the wedding night for a friend of mine who lives where she can't ask questions like this locally, so I will share my response with you here. (Warning! It's long and NSFW!)</span><br style="color: #333333;" /><br style="color: #333333;" /><b style="color: #333333;">First, assuming you are a virgin, how do you minimize the chance of pain and bleeding and make your first time as enjoyable as possible?</b><br style="color: #333333;" /><br style="color: #333333;" /><span style="color: #333333;">I wrote this for my nieces when they were old enough to be interested, and recently expanded it a bit and put it on the web:</span><br style="color: #333333;" /><br style="color: #333333;" /><span class="qlink_container" style="color: #333333;"><a class="external_link" data-qt-tooltip="blogspot.com" href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2014/06/aunt-shaktis-action-plan-for-proactive.html" rel="noopener nofollow" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: url("//qsf.ec.quoracdn.net/-3-images.new_grid.external_link.svg-26-d2ea5915bda62627.svg"); background-origin: initial; background-position: 100% 0.3em; background-repeat: no-repeat; background-size: 10.5px; color: #2b6dad; padding-right: 15px; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank"><b><i>Aunt Shakti's Action Plan for Proactive Modern Virgins</i></b></a></span><br style="color: #333333;" /><br style="color: #333333;" /><br style="color: #333333;" /><b style="color: #333333;">Second, what is the wedding night actually like?</b><br style="color: #333333;" /><br style="color: #333333;" /><span style="color: #333333;">And the answer to that is that that depends on the two of you and your cultural expectations. However, here's </span><b style="color: #333333;"><i>one</i></b><span style="color: #333333;"> way it might go:</span><br style="color: #333333;" /><br style="color: #333333;" /><b style="color: #333333;">Getting ready</b><br style="color: #333333;" /><span style="color: #333333;">You will probably want to undress in different rooms. Maybe your husband stays in the bedroom and you change into your nightie in the bathroom. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: #333333;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: #333333;">Take the opportunity to use the toilet and to freshen up. Brides get nervous, and nervous sweat isn't good, so take off all your clothes and wash your armpits and your crotch. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: #333333;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: #333333;">Put a </span><i style="color: #333333;">tiny</i><span style="color: #333333;"> bit of perfume behind your ears, in your navel, and behind your knees. Rub some </span><b style="color: #333333;">lube*</b><span style="color: #333333;"> on your clitoris and vulva and put some inside the entrance to your vagina.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: #333333;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: #333333;">Put on your nightgown (optional) and your robe. Braid your hair or brush it out.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: #333333;"><br /></span></span>
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<a href="https://www.serenecomfort.com/GetImage.ashx?maintainAspectRatio=true&Path=%7e%2fAssets%2f011-03%2f0-0BSHL-gown_set_silh_ivory.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="479" data-original-width="300" height="640" src="https://www.serenecomfort.com/GetImage.ashx?maintainAspectRatio=true&Path=%7e%2fAssets%2f011-03%2f0-0BSHL-gown_set_silh_ivory.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: georgia, "times new roman", serif; font-size: xx-small;">Image source: </span><a href="https://www.serenecomfort.com/Peignoir-Nightgown-Robe-Sets-C249.aspx" rel="nofollow" style="font-family: georgia, "times new roman", serif; font-size: x-small;" target="_blank">Serene Comfort</a></div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br style="color: #333333;" /><span style="color: #333333;">When you come out, your husband will probably have a robe on too. Go stand close to him, let him hug and kiss you. Rub your hands up and down his back. If he is willing to prolong this, great! Rub your body against him as you kiss.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: #333333;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: #333333;">Pretty soon, you should feel his erection pressing against you. He will probably step back at this point and undo and remove your robe and his, and then return for more hugs and kisses. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: #333333;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: #333333;">He will then probably signal or turn toward the bed. One of you should turn down the bedclothes and get in, then the other gets in and lies so you are side by side, facing each other.</span><br style="color: #333333;" /><br style="color: #333333;" /><b style="color: #333333;"><i>Tip:</i></b><i style="color: #333333;"> If he is right-handed, try to maneuver so he ends up lying next to your right side, and vice versa i</i></span><i style="color: #333333; font-family: georgia, "times new roman", serif;">f he is left-handed</i><i style="color: #333333; font-family: georgia, "times new roman", serif;">. You want his "good" hand to be on top when you are lying on your sides facing each other.</i><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br style="color: #333333;" /><b style="color: #333333;"><i>Tip:</i></b><i style="color: #333333;"> </i></span><i style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">If</i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i style="color: #333333;"> it's a small bed, try to arrange your position so you are mostly centered on it and he is lying on his side in the narrow space to your right (if he's right-handed). If you end up on top, you'll have to rearrange this, but if he ends up on top, you want to be lying on your back in the middle of the bed.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<b style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><i>Tip:</i></b><i style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> </i><i style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">If</i><i style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> at all possible, bring a towel with you from the bathroom and put it down in the center of the bottom sheet, about where your bottom and thighs will be when you lie down on it. This will catch any blood and semen and other fluids that leak out. Sex can get messy!</i><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<b style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><i>Tip:</i></b><i style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> For the same reason, try to have a box of tissues on the bedside table. Also stash some in the pocket of your robe and put the robe where you can reach it without getting out of bed.</i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i><br style="color: #333333;" /></i><br style="color: #333333;" /><b style="color: #333333;">Warming each other up in bed</b><br style="color: #333333;" /><span style="color: #333333;">As you kiss facing each other, he will probably use his free hand to rub your back, buttocks, breasts, and thighs, and then start to explore your belly and groin area. That's your signal to roll so you are lying on your back, and to open your legs a bit wider so his hand has access to your vulva.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: #333333;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: #333333;">Encourage him to rub and stroke. A little shiver of surprise when he first touches the vulva, followed by a tiny "ah" or "mmm" when he actually rubs it is a good way to do that. If he needs guidance, put your hand on his and help him adjust the position and pressure.</span><br style="color: #333333;" /><br style="color: #333333;" /><span style="color: #333333;">If you're really lucky, oral sex is not taboo in your culture and either he has had experience with women or he has gotten good advice from a friend or relative. If so, he may slide backward toward the foot of the bed so his chest is between your legs and his face is even with your vulva. If he does this, open your legs wider, spreading your knees far apart to give him access, so he can lick and suck your clitoris:</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: #333333;"><br /></span></span>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: georgia, "times new roman", serif; font-size: xx-small;">Image source: </span><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="color: #333333; font-family: georgia, "times new roman", serif;"> </span><a href="https://www.blogger.com/By%20Wikipedian%20Prolific%20-%20Author,%20CC%20BY-SA%203.0,%20https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=973428" style="font-family: georgia, "times new roman", serif;" target="_blank">Wikipedia</a></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br style="color: #333333;" /><span style="color: #333333;">A sharp inhale or gasp when his tongue first touches your clit is always a good idea, followed a little later by some appreciative "mmmms" and "oh!s" when he does something that feels particularly good. It's also a good idea to stroke his head and twine your fingers in his hair. If you do this with both hands, you can gently guide him toward the right places and the right amount of pressure and away from anything that is too hard or rough.</span><br style="color: #333333;" /><br style="color: #333333;" /><span style="color: #333333;">If he does this and he's got the patience to bring you all the way to an orgasm... well, he deserves some kind of prize for being in the top 1% of all bridegrooms! But whether he goes that far, or just gets you warmed up and close to an orgasm, or completely skips the warmup, the next phase is likely to be vaginal sex.</span><br style="color: #333333;" /><br style="color: #333333;" /><span style="color: #333333;">(Note: if he's planning to use a condom, he needs to put it on at this point!)</span><br style="color: #333333;" /><br style="color: #333333;" /><span style="color: #333333;">If he is willing to let you be on top for this, you should do so. It gives you much more control over the speed of penetration, which can make the first time much more pleasant for you. (See the guide above and this post for information: </span></span><a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2014/08/woman-on-top-sex-tips-in-cowgirl.html">Woman on Top - Sex in the "Cowgirl" Position</a>.)<br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: #333333;">Otherwise, it is likely that he will prefer the "missionary" (man on top) position. He will probably slide or roll on top of you, either lying on you or kneeling between your legs like this:</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="color: #333333; font-family: georgia, "times new roman", serif;">Image source: </span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: georgia, times new roman, serif;"><a href="https://www.dummies.com/relationships/sex/the-basic-sexual-positions/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">The Basic Sexual Positions</a></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: #333333;">It may be a good idea at this point to say something like, "Please be gentle and go slow," just to remind him not to be too eager.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b style="color: #333333;">The main event</b><br style="color: #333333;" /><span style="color: #333333;">He will then use his hand to guide the tip of his penis into the entrance of your vagina. If he's not quite sure where it is, this may involve some fumbling and shifts in position. You can help by pulling your knees up and out to the sides to make more room.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: #333333;">Once he does get the tip in the entrance, he <i>SHOULD</i> insert his penis the rest of the way</span><i style="color: #333333;"> very gradually</i><span style="color: #333333;">, but he will probably just thrust hard instead, in which case you may feel a brief, sharp pain. The more lube you use, the less likely you are to have anything tear.</span><br style="color: #333333;" /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: #333333;">In this position, he thrusts his penis in and out by flexing his hips and lower back, so it's a good position for sustained sex with a lot of intimacy. You can control the angle of the penis in your vagina, which affects how much sensation it gives you, by drawing your knees up toward your shoulders or extending your legs toward the foot of the bed.</span><br style="color: #333333;" /><br style="color: #333333;" /><span style="color: #333333;">Some women like to grab their thighs and pull their knees all the way up against their chest or biceps, raising their hips up off the mattress. This is a good position for getting pregnant if you stay that way for a few minutes after he ejaculates, because it reduces the sperm leaking out. It is also a good position for a man with a smaller penis, because it allows deeper penetration.</span><br style="color: #333333;" /><br style="color: #333333;" /><b style="color: #333333;">When he finishes</b><br style="color: #333333;" /><span style="color: #333333;">But first times are usually very quick, so you probably won't get a chance to experiment with positions for your legs until much later. For the same reason, don't expect much in the way of pleasure from actual vaginal penetration the first time.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: #333333;">Men who are virgins are sometimes so overwhelmed by the sensations that they ejaculate very rapidly. In fact, it's not uncommon for a bridegroom to actually ejaculate as soon as his penis touches your vulva, before he gets it in at all!</span><br style="color: #333333;" /><br style="color: #333333;" /><span style="color: #333333;">If that happens, don't worry, just mop up any mess with the tissues, remind him that there's no hurry, and then cuddle with him and talk about what an amazing, crazy day it has been, or how strange all this is, or whatever you want, until he gets his second erection and you can restart the program where you left off.</span><br style="color: #333333;" /><br style="color: #333333;" /><span style="color: #333333;">If he seems uncertain or upset, take his face in your hands, kiss him, and say, "I can't believe how lucky I am to have you for my husband!" That will usually resolve all of a man's insecurities! :)</span><br style="color: #333333;" /><br style="color: #333333;" /><span style="color: #333333;">He may want to have sex several more times that night, or you may be too sore or you both may be too tired, in which case, you should wait for another day to do it again. I hear a lot of couples saying they were so exhausted from the wedding that they just kissed, cuddled, and went to sleep the first night, so they could save their first time for the next day, when they were rested and ready.</span><br style="color: #333333;" /><br style="color: #333333;" /><br style="color: #333333;" /><b style="color: #333333;">What if it's not like this?</b><br style="color: #333333;" /><span style="color: #333333;">There are so many ways things could be different from what I just described that I couldn't possibly list them all. If your fiancé has something radically different in mind, ask him to explain what he wants and discuss it with him if you don't understand or don't want to do it.</span><br style="color: #333333;" /><br style="color: #333333;" /><span style="color: #333333;">Other than that, do what all new couples do: fumble around and improvise! And if things go wrong, be patient, be ready to laugh with him about how silly the whole situation is (but </span><b style="color: #333333;">never</b><span style="color: #333333;"> at him!), and reassure him that there's plenty of time – you've got a lifetime to get it all figured out!</span><br style="color: #333333;" /><br style="color: #333333;" /><br style="color: #333333;" /><b style="color: #333333;">Babies and birth control</b><br style="color: #333333;" /><span style="color: #333333;">Have you two talked about kids and pregnancy? Do you both want a child right away? It's great if you do, but it's not great if you would both rather wait, but you never find that out because you're both too shy to bring the subject up. So talk about it ahead of time!</span><br style="color: #333333;" /><br style="color: #333333;" /><span style="color: #333333;">(I personally favor waiting a year or more. I think any couple needs at least that much time to really get to know each other and to </span><i style="color: #333333;">really</i><span style="color: #333333;"> fall in love, in a deep way, before the intrusion of pregnancy and babies makes this much harder or impossible. However, I don't live in a culture where there's pressure on women to have kids right away, and I recognize that many couples don't feel that they can wait.)</span><br style="color: #333333;" /><br style="color: #333333;" /><span style="color: #333333;">If you would prefer to wait, go to a doctor and get a prescription for birth control pills and start using them at least a week before the wedding. If you don't have time for that, he should use condoms until you've been on the pill for at least a week.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">An even better and simpler alternative is the implant (called Implanon or Nexplanon). It's a small, soft strip of tubing that goes under the skin on the inside of your upper arm. A doctor can insert it in about 5 minutes. You don't even need to get undressed. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">This is my favorite form of birth control. It's simple, painless, safe, and effective. You don't have to buy pills or remember to take a pill every day, so it's also very </span><span style="font-family: georgia, "times new roman", serif;">convenient</span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">. </span><span style="font-family: georgia, "times new roman", serif;">It lasts five years, but you can have it removed whenever you decide you want to have children.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br style="color: #333333;" /><b style="color: #333333;">*Lube (and birth control)</b><br style="color: #333333;" /><span style="color: #333333;">If you decide to use condoms, you should also get (or ask him to get) a good, <b>non-oil</b> lube to use with them.</span><br style="color: #333333;" /><br style="color: #333333;" /><span style="color: #333333;">This one is </span><span style="color: #333333; font-style: italic;">water-based</span><span style="color: #333333;">, which means it dries out faster and needs to be renewed more often, but it won't get sheets and clothes oily:</span><br style="color: #333333;" /><span class="qlink_container" style="color: #333333;"><a class="external_link" data-qt-tooltip="amazon.com" href="http://www.amazon.com/Water-based-Longlasting-Lubricant-Slippery-Stuff/dp/B00972208C" rel="noopener" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: url("//qsf.ec.quoracdn.net/-3-images.new_grid.external_link.svg-26-d2ea5915bda62627.svg"); background-origin: initial; background-position: 100% 0.3em; background-repeat: no-repeat; background-size: 10.5px; color: #2b6dad; padding-right: 15px; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">Water-based Silky Safe Longlasting Personal Lubricant GEL by Slippery Stuff 8oz</a></span><br style="color: #333333;" /><br style="color: #333333;" /><span style="color: #333333;">This one is </span><span style="color: #333333; font-style: italic;">silicone-based</span><span style="color: #333333;">, is more slippery, and lasts longer:</span><br style="color: #333333;" /><span class="qlink_container" style="color: #333333;"><a class="external_link" data-qt-tooltip="amazon.com" href="http://www.amazon.com/Swiss-Navy-PREMIUM-Silicone-Lubricant/dp/B00C6NPPFO" rel="noopener" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: url("//qsf.ec.quoracdn.net/-3-images.new_grid.external_link.svg-26-d2ea5915bda62627.svg"); background-origin: initial; background-position: 100% 0.3em; background-repeat: no-repeat; background-size: 10.5px; color: #2b6dad; padding-right: 15px; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">PREMIUM Silicone Based Lubricant (8 oz): Health & Personal Care</a></span><br style="color: #333333;" /><br style="color: #333333;" /><span style="color: #333333;">I've never used either of those brands. All I know is that they got good reviews on Amazon. But there are hundreds of alternatives you can buy. </span><i style="color: #333333;">Just be sure whatever brand you buy says, "Safe for use with condoms"!</i><br style="color: #333333;" /><br style="color: #333333;" /><span style="color: #333333;">If you're already on the pill, or you want to get pregnant as soon as possible, then of course you won't be using condoms and you can use any pure vegetable oil as a lube instead. I like almond, walnut, and coconut oil for their smoothness and mild aroma, but any good vegetable oil will do. </span><i style="color: #333333;">Just don't use oil and condoms together!</i><br style="color: #333333;" /><br style="color: #333333;" /><br style="color: #333333;" /><i style="color: #333333; margin-bottom: 0px;">Okay, this is probably T.M.I., but I hope it helps. Whether it does or not, congratulations on your upcoming wedding! Have a wonderful first time and a great marriage!</i></span>Shakti Amaranthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16204671934660827381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7299662952978736845.post-88393026703230777982017-10-31T20:47:00.000-07:002020-06-05T22:56:04.352-07:00Shakti's Guide to Good, Great, and Amazing Sex An old friend of mine did a really cool thing last month. She combed through the non-Tantra posts that I have scattered through this blog and organized them into what amounts to a sex ed handbook. Although she called it "A Beginner's Guide," it's really for anyone who wants to have better sex.<br />
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She goes by the name "TantraGirl" on Reddit, and <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/sexover30/comments/71zp0s/a_beginners_guide_to_good_great_and_amazing_sex/" target="_blank">this was her original post</a>. It was a labor of love, and she has kindly granted permission for me to quote her. All of the comments from here down to the bar below were written by her:<br />
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<b>Getting started</b><br />
<ul>
<li><a href="https://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2014/06/aunt-shaktis-action-plan-for-proactive.html" target="_blank">Aunt Shakti's Action Plan for Proactive Modern Virgins </a>-- a guide for girls and women to having a pain-free and enjoyable first time.</li>
<li><a href="https://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2015/10/a-guide-for-male-virgins.html" target="_blank">Aunt Shakti's Guide for Male Virgins</a> -- provides tips for getting ready and takes the beginner through a normal first time, step-by-step.</li>
<li><a href="https://moderntantra.blogspot.com/p/better-sex-101_21.html" target="_blank">Better Sex 101</a> -- an excellent intro-level sex ed guide, with anatomy and lots of tips for being a better partner.</li>
<li><a href="https://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2015/03/reviews-three-guides-to-sensual-massage.html" target="_blank">Reviews: Three Guides to Sensual Massage and Manual and Oral Sex</a> -- good stuff, not porn.</li>
<li><a href="https://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2016/06/video-tutorials.html" target="_blank">Video Tutorials for Massage and Oral Techniques</a> -- more good stuff, definitely porn.</li>
</ul>
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<b>Focus on him</b><br />
<ul>
<li><a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/p/penis-size.html" target="_blank">How Much Does Penis Size Matter?</a> -- includes tips for managing a variety of genital fit problems.</li>
<li><a href="https://moderntantra.blogspot.com/p/controlling-premature-early-ejaculation.html" target="_blank">The Best Ways to Control Premature Ejaculation</a> -- describes aids to lasting longer, and also some long-term solutions for established couples.</li>
<li><a href="https://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2017/06/the-art-of-handjob.html" target="_blank">The Art of the Handjob</a> -- Great techniques for fun or for use as part of Sensate Focus Therapy for PE, ED, or other problems.</li>
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<b>Focus on her</b><br />
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<li><a href="https://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2016/09/on-women-becoming-more-orgasmic.html" target="_blank">How Women Can Become (More) Orgasmic</a> -- thorough discussion of the learning process, with links to many good resources.</li>
<li><a href="https://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2016/12/omg-yes.html" target="_blank">OMG Yes!!!</a> -- a terrific app that will teach you more than you ever imagined about how to stimulate the clit and vulva with your fingers. If you own a clit, you need this; if you love someone who owns a clit, you need this. It's charming, funny, and fascinating!</li>
<li><a href="https://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2016/04/the-mystery-of-arousal-and-vaginal.html" target="_blank">The Mystery of Arousal and Vaginal Wetness</a> -- no, wetness does NOT necessarily reflect your/her level of sexual arousal, which is why you should always have lube available and use it when needed. </li>
<li><a href="https://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2014/08/woman-on-top-sex-tips-in-cowgirl.html" target="_blank">Woman on Top - Sex in the "Cowgirl" Position</a> -- describes many good things you can do with a favorite, but sometimes tricky, position.</li>
</ul>
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<b>Troubleshooting</b><br />
<ul>
<li><a href="https://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2015/07/tantric-sex-as-therapy-iii-stress-and.html" target="_blank">Stress and Arousal</a> -- an introduction to the "Dual Control" theory of sexual inhibition and arousal, with a link to a short quiz that will help you figure out where you fit in.</li>
<li><a href="https://moderntantra.blogspot.com/p/vaginismus-is-peculiar-problem.html" target="_blank">Understanding Vaginismus</a> -- what is happening when the vagina clenches tight and penetration causes pain?</li>
<li><a href="https://moderntantra.blogspot.com/p/understanding-vvs.html" target="_blank">Understanding VVS / Vulvodynia</a> -- VVS is another major cause of painful intercourse. It generally manifests as a stinging or burning sensation on contact, not as tightness.</li>
<li><a href="https://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2017/07/how-to-learn-to-enjoy-sex.html" target="_blank">How to learn to enjoy sex</a> -- advice for a sex-positive asexual woman who really wants to be able to enjoy sex. (There's a significant overlap with "How Women Can Become (More) Orgasmic" in terms of the references at the end.)</li>
<li><a href="https://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2015/09/tantric-sex-escaping-dead-bedroom.html" target="_blank">Escaping a Dead Bedroom</a> -- Shakti's own story about how she and her guy got stuck, how they fixed it, and how a self-described "unsexy nerd with low libido" ended up having great sex and becoming a sex blogger.</li>
</ul>
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<b>Taking sex to the next level</b><br />
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<li><a href="https://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2016/02/understanding-male-orgasm.html" target="_blank">Understanding the Male Orgasm</a> -- explains the neurochemistry of the male orgasm, why problems happen, why ejaculations end erections, what causes the "refractory period," and how some men are able to have orgasms without ejaculations.</li>
<li><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/tantricsex/comments/6uqdg1/multiple_orgasms_for_men_and_women_6_parts/" target="_blank">Multiple Orgasms for Men and Women</a> -- this is a multi-part collection that is actually mostly for men; it includes a detailed guide for guys who want to learn how to have several orgasms in a row without losing their erections in between.</li>
<li><a href="https://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2014/07/the-most-intense-orgasm-for-women.html" target="_blank">The Most Intense Orgasm for Women</a> -- describes a full-body orgasm, a continuous orgasm, and the "body-sharing illusion" that can include orgasms.</li>
<li><a href="https://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2016/11/the-fabulous-fornix.html" target="_blank">The Fabulous(?) Fornix</a> -- hitting the cervix is usually bad, but some people report extra pleasure from fitting the tip of the penis into the recess that surrounds the cervix; it requires a good genital fit and just the right angles.</li>
<li><a href="https://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2015/08/what-lesbian-couples-can-teach-straight.html" target="_blank">What Lesbian Couples Can Teach Straight Couples About Good Sex</a> -- talks about the importance of taking enough time for good sex and the danger getting caught in the rut of having nothing but routine sex at bedtime.</li>
<li><a href="https://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2017/03/bad-good-and-magnificent-sex.html" target="_blank">Bad, good, and magnificent sex</a> -- it turns out that "magnificent sex" is fairly well defined and isn't idiosyncratic after all. (Who knew?)</li>
<li><a href="https://moderntantra.blogspot.com/p/what-is-tantric-sex.html" target="_blank">What is Tantric Sex?</a> -- the secular kind of tantric sex that Shakti teaches is completely different from the "spiritual" fluff you see on the web. It's sensual, fun, and intensely orgasmic, and it works. It's one of the most straightforward and practical ways for any loving couple to achieve "magnificence" in the bedroom.</li>
</ul>
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<b>Sex and evolution</b><br />
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These are are a pair of long speculative articles on evolution that I'm sticking in here, mainly because I think they're cool and fascinating and I don't have another good place for them:<br />
<ul>
<li><a href="https://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2016/07/sex-and-evolution-of-pleasure.html" target="_blank">Sex and the Evolution of Pleasure</a> -- Why is sex so much fun for humans even though sex isn't pleasurable for most animals, and even though the drive to reproduce doesn't require pleasure as a motivation?</li>
<li><a href="https://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2017/02/the-evolution-of-clitoris.html" target="_blank">The Evolution of the Clitoris</a> -- The "fun button" is the ONLY organ whose sole function is pleasure. So why is it so badly placed to produce orgasms during normal sex?</li>
</ul>
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<b>Other resources: </b><br />
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<a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/wiki/" target="_blank">The r/sex Wiki</a><span class="noCtrlF keyNavAnnotation" data-text="[28]" title="press . then 28 and Enter to open link"></span> and <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/sexover30/wiki/index#wiki_resources" target="_blank">the r/SexOver30 Wiki</a> are both stuffed with good information and have many, many links to other great resources. Highly recommended!<br />
<br />
If you have questions or want to share experiences, I (Shakti) am one of the moderators on the <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/sexover30/" target="_blank">SexOver30</a> subreddit. It's an excellent place to post questions or just share with a great community!<br />
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In addition, TantraGirl and I are the moderators of the TantricSex subreddit, and you are welcome to join us there if you decide to explore in that direction.Shakti Amaranthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16204671934660827381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7299662952978736845.post-20238242582363483232017-09-24T11:12:00.000-07:002020-03-18T19:33:32.357-07:00Orgasm and its Enemies: Karezza, Daoists, and other anti-orgasm crusaders<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Every now and then, I get a barrage of messages from someone claiming that male ejaculation is bad, or that all orgasms are bad. Responding individually is time-consuming and unproductive, so I thought it would be worthwhile creating a general response. Perhaps this will help those of you who have run into these sorts of anti-orgasm fanatics.</span><a name='more'></a><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Daoists who advocate semen retention</span></b><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">The first line of attack comes from a rabidly anti-ejaculation splinter group within Daoism (or Taoism), a cult that often promotes itself as a kind of Daoist tantra. Often these people charge that I am not promoting "authentic" tantric sex because I teach people to have great orgasms, and lots of them. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">These anti-ejaculation crusaders still hold the primitive belief that semen contains a man's "spiritual essence" and that retaining it will supposedly give him great magical power. "Spilling his seed," on the other hand, means giving away his psychic powers and draining his body of "vital energy."</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Like some old-time Catholics, these Daoists also claim that excessive ejaculation will make you sick and drive you insane. Many of them even claim that a man is born with a fixed supply of semen, and that he will die as soon as he has used up his supply. They therefore see semen retention as a means to immortality as well as magic power.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">(This seems to work for them about as well as alchemy ever did for alchemists. :)</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">The reality, of course, is that the human body produces semen on demand, and is capable of producing an essentially unlimited supply in response to use. The energy and other nutritional costs of producing it are trivial. It's no more "precious" than snot, and ejaculation is no more harmful than blowing your nose.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Furthermore, for most men there is no choice. If they do <i>not</i> have a sufficient number of orgasms through masturbation or sex, their bodies will eventually eject the old, stale semen via nocturnal emissions, or "wet dreams." So ejaculation in one form or another is inevitable.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">What is weirdest about many of these Daoists is that they are advocates of a particular style of ejaculation control that involves pinching the urethra shut where it emerges from the body at the base of the penis. Pressing hard on this so-called "Million-Dollar Point" prevents the semen from coming out, but it still has to go somewhere. Blocking the urethra just forces the semen to go backward into the bladder instead, where it gets urinated out the next time the guy goes pee.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">So creating this kind of "retrograde ejaculation" does not in fact prevent ejaculation or prevent the loss of semen. It just redirects the semen into the bladder and then the toilet bowl. And it does nothing whatever to prevent the loss of a man's "spiritual essence," even if we make the unlikely assumption that a cloudy glob of proteins, sugars, and mucus could contain something so ethereal.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">The real origin of this practice is a different, darker kind of magical belief, the idea that men and women were in a war for magical power, and that a woman could "steal" a man's power and weaken him by capturing and absorbing his semen.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">So, at least in an age before condoms, the point of forcing retrograde emission was to prevent women from gaining possession of your semen for magical purposes.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">This is reminiscent of voodoo, with its concern for not letting enemies get possession of your hair, fingernails, blood, and other bodily fluids. But it also reflects a particular strain in Chinese history in which Daoist monks were taught from early boyhood to distrust all women as evil seducers.</span></span></span><br /><br /><br /> <b>Karezza fans who think all orgasms are harmful</b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">I've run into a different kind of opposition from advocates of karezza, which is a kind of prolonged sexual intimacy and arousal with no orgasms. Tantra, by comparison, is prolonged sexual intimacy and arousal with intentionally delayed orgasms that are especially intense and enjoyable. So tantric sex and karezza have something important in common, and something equally important that divides them.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">On the one hand, I've spent 24 years studying tantric sex and various other kinds of extended sex, so I have a strong sisterly interest in karezza. I've had a link on this blog from very early days to the website maintained by Marnia Robinson, the author of "Cupid's Poisoned Arrow," probably the top-selling pro-karezza book. I put it there to help people who come to my website looking for something more spiritual and less orgasmic than my practical, physical, and very orgasmic version of tantric sex.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">On the other hand, I don't have much patience with the claims Robinson makes about orgasms being bad for you. The benefits she cites for karezza come from ANY activity that greatly increases the time that couples spend naked in each other's arms, touching and caressing and really attending to each other in a loving way.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">The combination of physical contact and loving attention is powerful medicine. Babies who get too little of it literally die of neglect, even if they are otherwise well-fed and cared for. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Spending lots of time in a safe, comfortable place being adored and caressed by the most important person in your life will greatly elevate your production of oxytocin, the pair-bonding hormone. This will significantly reinforce your emotional bond with your partner and improve your mental and physical health. There's been enough research on the subject so we can say this with high confidence.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">The problem with an orgasm, especially the male orgasm, is that it often signals a premature stopping point. Karezza gets results just by avoiding that premature ending. It helps couples learn to prolong sex and revel in the extended sensual touching that has been missing in their lives. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">But then Robinson makes the false inference that the success of karezza comes from a complete ban on orgasms, not just a ban on premature endings. And that leads her to go a step further and try to "prove" that <i>all</i> orgasms are inherently destructive.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">In doing so, she fudges the data repeatedly, by drawing on rat studies and other research that simply does not say what she says it does. She then buttresses this with anecdotes that center on some seriously atypical personalities.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">More generally, karezza fans claim that having orgasms inevitably kills relationships, and there's simply way too much evidence on the other side for that argument to be credible. About 30-35% of marriages in the U.S. end up with couples who are still intensely in love with each other after many decades together. And nearly all of these loving, long-term marriages feature regular orgasms. If the karezza theories were true, that would be impossible.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Karezza advocates do have a valid starting point. It's true that a lot of straight couples get in the habit of having very little foreplay and brief, penis-centric sex that ends with the man’s orgasm – and nothing for the woman. And it's true that that will cripple many relationships. We also know that if a relationship is in serious trouble and one partner has become averse to sex, the couple will often benefit from sharing a lot of loving, sensual touch with no genital contact or sex.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">I went through just such a period when I was 30, and we got out of it by doing sensual massage and agreeing to avoid all genital contact for several months and then all penetrative sex for several more. This is the standard prescription for <a href="http://www.reidstellcounseling.com/uploads/1/3/9/3/13938466/sensate_focus_handout_9-3-14.pdf" target="_blank"><i>Sensate Focus Therapy (SFT)</i></a>, one of the most successful forms of couple's therapy for a variety of sexual dysfunctions.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">So there's a kernal of truth behind the claims of karezza enthu</span></span><span style="font-size: small;">siasts. Avoiding orgasms for a period of time can be beneficial for couples who are in trouble, for the exact same reason that SFT works: it provides lots of prolonged loving touch without the focus on the penis-centric script that focuses "normal" sex on the man's orgasm, a</span><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">nd ends when he comes. And the fact that karezza can work as a form of DIY sex therapy guarantees it a certain number of enthusiastic new recruits and endorsements.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">But the mistake is trying to explain those successes with some convoluted mishmash of bad science about how orgasms themselves are destructive. And it's just not true that orgasms themselves are harmful. Under some circumstances, it can be helpful to suspend the standard penis-centric orgasm-driven sexual script for a period of time as therapy. But that has nothing to do with what couples need to do to maintain a good physical and emotional relationship over the long haul.</span></span></span><br /><br /><br /> <b>To sum it up</b><br /><br /><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">The karezza advocates are nowhere near as bad as the Daoists. They stretch the truth, but at least their theories have some connection to reality. However, the final conclusion they reach just isn't supported by the available facts. Karezza may be successful in helping some couples get back on track after a slide into a "dead bedroom," but the bottom line is that having lots of orgasms <i>together</i> is a good thing, not a bad thing, for the vast majority of long-term couples.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">As for the Daoists' health claims for semen retention, there is zero evidence to support the idea that ejaculation is unhealthy. Quite the contrary, the research on the frequency of masturbation and sexual intercourse suggests that frequent ejaculation reduces the risk of prostate cancer and is necessary for long-term reproductive health.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">More importantly, orgasms play a strong role in promoting and sustaining the pair bond that holds every good relationship together. Denying them out of fear and hostility toward women, as the Daoists do, is obviously destructive. But it can also be destructive if the motive is somehow, mistakenly, to strengthen the bond between lovers through denial.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">The key to strengthening that bond is not orgasm denial, but <i>delay</i>.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Edging – deliberately prolonging sex by extending the arousal period and delaying orgasm – has many virtues. For starters:</span></span></span></div>
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<li><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">It feels good!</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">It prolongs the period of sensual contact and increases the production of oxytocin, the pair-bonding hormone.</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">It demonstrates love and caring, the willingness to postpone gratification in order to increase your partner's pleasure.</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">And it makes the orgasms themselves longer and more intense when they finally happen.</span></span></li>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">So my earnest advice is to ignore those who campaign against orgasms and enjoy your happy endings ... but take your time getting there.</span></span></div>
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Shakti Amaranthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16204671934660827381noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7299662952978736845.post-72280729082230202342017-07-31T20:55:00.000-07:002017-11-06T04:10:07.146-08:00How to learn to enjoy sexFor most people reading this blog, this is going to be an irrelevant question. But I was reminded today that it's a serious problem for some people whose bodies and minds have never quite gotten synched up to experience sex as something pleasurable.<br />
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The most common causes of 'sexual anhedonia' (lack of pleasure) are drugs and medications, hormonal problems, depression, dysthymia (a form of chronic depression), and religious repression. These require major lifestyle changes and/or serious medical or psychological treatment.</div>
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But what about the mysterious cases of anhedonia that don't seem to be related to any of these causes?<br />
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Before we go further, it would probably be a good idea to define some terms. Asexuality is not the same thing as sexual anhedonia, the inability to enjoy sex. As Wikipedia puts it, "Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to others, or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity." </div>
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It doesn't <i>necessarily</i> mean that you can't enjoy sex once you are having it, particularly if it's with someone you care about a lot, but it's obviously a lot harder to get turned on and enjoy yourself if you don't have that initial feeling of attraction and desire. And someone who is asexual may have a low, moderate, or high libido, and may masturbate never, rarely, or often.</div>
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This is something I care about because I narrowly missed ending up in this situation. As strange as it may sound for someone who blogs about sex, I usually describe myself as someone who has very low libido, but loves sex with her partner.</div>
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That's simpler than explaining the truth, which is that I fit best with the description of "gray-asexual" or "gray-A," or perhaps "demisexual." Specifically, I never get randomly horny and I don't get turned on by looking at porn or being around sexy people, no matter how hot they are.</div>
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In practice, I almost never get aroused unless I'm with my guy and we're doing something physical to <i>get</i> me aroused. However, I really enjoy sex<i> with him </i>once we get started.<br />
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Turning to Wikipedia again, "Gray asexuality is considered the gray area between asexuality and sexuality, in which a person may only experience sexual attraction on occasion." And "demisexuality" is a variant of gray-A that refers to those who "may experience secondary sexual attraction after a close emotional connection has already formed." So it would probably be more accurate to say that I'm a gray-A or demisexual with a <i>moderately high</i> libido.</div>
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Note that neither description says anything about libido. As a "gray-A" friend puts it, "You can be horny all the time and jack off constantly but if you never or hardly ever want to be sexual with another person you are on the asexual spectrum because your sexuality is 'compromised'."</div>
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Anyway... this whole subject came up today because of a question from a Redditor who is asexual, but desperately wants to learn how to enjoy sex, in part for selfish reasons, but also so that her partners won't feel like sex is entirely one-sided. She explained that she is in her thirties, her health is good, she's not religiously inhibited, and there's nothing about sex that is disgusting or a turnoff for her. It just isn't a source of pleasure for her.</div>
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She has masturbated and she has had orgasms, both by herself and with partners, but the orgasms were so weak that having an orgasm hasn't given her any motivation to masturbate or have sex more often. She just hasn't been able to enjoy sex, and she really wants to.</div>
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<i>This is a lightly edited version of my response:</i></div>
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My impression is that being unable to enjoy sex of any kind under ANY conditions is really rare. Unfortunately, there's no way to prove whether that's true for any individual. It's like the question of orgasms. If 5-10% of 30-year-old women say they have never had an orgasm, is it because they <i>can't</i>? Or is it because they just haven't had the right opportunities yet?<br />
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As it happens, I know several women who worried that they were asexual until their mid-30s and now enjoy great sex. It's actually fairly common for women who lose their virginity quite late, but also for women who marry young, when they and their husbands are both inexperienced, and who get divorced a decade or two later and discover a whole new side to sex in their 30s or 40s. So "not yet" is the answer for a lot of seemingly-asexual women in their 20s and 30s.<br />
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Let's assume that this applies to you too. You will probably never develop a raging libido, but you want to be able to enjoy sex. And here's the hitch: doing the exact same things with two different partners can produce completely opposite results. So finding a partner who is right for you needs to be a top priority.<br />
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But that just makes the problem of knowing what is right for you all the more important. You've had orgasms, but they're just "meh." You don't find the prospect of having sex a big adrenaline rush. It's not taboo or scary, so what is there to get excited about? And the orgasms you're having are pretty feeble, so ditto.<br />
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There are several possible answers to this.<br />
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<b>First</b>, those feeble orgasms: women's bodies have to learn to have orgasms. Some girls learn as infants or small children, many learn in their teens and 20s, but some never get on track until their 30s or even later. And first orgasms are almost always fairly weak. Having stronger orgasms depends on experience and on learning the kinds of stimulation that work best for you.<br />
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Experimentation and practice are the keys. You say that you've masturbated and it doesn't do much for you, but how many times have you had a solo orgasm? If the answer is in one or two digits, you need to set yourself a goal of several orgasms a week and experiment with different ways of getting there. Get a strong vibrator and a shower head extension with a vibrating massage setting and try those out.<br />
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I would also suggest subscribing to <a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2016/12/omg-yes.html">OMG Yes!!!</a>, which is a web app that will teach you some of the most effective ways that women masturbate with their fingers. The first lesson is about "edging" – the practice of getting close to an orgasm and then purposely backing off a bit and delaying it so you can get more and more aroused. This results in a longer, stronger, more enjoyable orgasm. If you've been forcing orgasms to happen as quickly as possible, it's no wonder they've been weak!<br />
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<b>Second</b>, you could put some excitement into sex by exploring BDSM. One reason sex is blah may be that you've only been with nice vanilla guys and there's been nothing intense, exciting, taboo, or scary about straight kissing and PiV. Maybe the prospect of a good spanking would get you turned on. Maybe being the boss and ordering the guy to serve you is what would add some excitement. Maybe acting out a rape fantasy would create just the right degree of controlled scariness to get your heart racing.<br />
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In the abstract, these things may seem unlikely, but you don't know until you try. I'm not the person to give advice here, because this has never turned me on, but you can get a lot of guidance from people in the BDSM scene if you look around online.<br />
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<b>Third</b>, you may need to go in the opposite direction. Many women never enjoy sex simply because it's over WAY too soon (see "edging") and because it's focused entirely on getting to the ending and not on creating maximum pleasure along the way. The opposite approach is to focus mainly on giving each other a lot of sensual pleasure over an extended period.<br />
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This approach (<a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2013/09/welcome-to-extraordinary-passion.html" target="_blank">which is the subject of this blog</a>) leans toward full-body sensual massage and taking turns with erotic play. Sexual partners indulge in a lot of mutual pleasure through touch, using that to build up erotic tension over time. Orgasms, when they finally happen, tend to be especially intense and enjoyable, because the whole session is a form of prolonged edging, but the orgasms aren't the goal, just the conclusion. The goal is for each partner to do whatever it takes to maximize the other person's pleasure throughout the entire process.<br />
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This appeals especially to people who are sensual and affectionate, but slow to get aroused. It also appeals a lot to people who are "givers," who love <i>giving</i> pleasure to a special partner as much as they enjoy receiving it from that person. If you enjoy cuddling and you enjoy giving and receiving backrubs and footrubs much more than you enjoy "normal" sex, this may be for you. </div>
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(The paradox is that if you focus mainly on giving maximum pleasure <i>during</i> sex, not on rushing toward a goal, the orgasms at the end are generally much better as well.)</div>
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Slow, sensual, extended sex is my preferred kind of sex, and fortunately my SO agrees. We nearly ended up in a dead bedroom situation until we figured this out, but this is the kind of sex that keeps me wanting more and looking forward to next time.<br />
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Rather than duplicate things that have been said before, I'm going to give you a list of links that I have found very helpful for people in your situation. If what I've said resonates in any way, this should be enough to get you started on a solid program of self-development:<br />
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Arousal and libido problems</h3>
<a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2015/07/tantric-sex-as-therapy-iii-stress-and.html" target="_blank">Stress and Arousal</a> – an intro and overview of arousal and libido issues.<br />
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<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090/" target="_blank">Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life</a> – a good explanation of the dual control model of sexual arousal and the problem of responsive desire (people like us who seldom or never get horny out of the blue).<br />
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<a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2016/09/on-women-becoming-more-orgasmic.html" target="_blank">Becoming More Orgasmic</a> – the introduction is aimed a bit more toward women in relationships, but it contains a long list of resources that includes many things that are appropriate for single women in your situation.<br />
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<a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2015/08/what-lesbian-couples-can-teach-straight.html" target="_blank">What Lesbian Couples Can Teach Straight Couples About Great Sex</a> – a summary of research on the importance of quality and duration over frequency.<br />
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<a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2015/09/tantric-sex-escaping-dead-bedroom.html" target="_blank">Escaping a Dead Bedroom</a> – my own saga.<br />
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<a href="http://www.reidstellcounseling.com/uploads/1/3/9/3/13938466/sensate_focus_handout_9-3-14.pdf" target="_blank">Sensate Focus Therapy</a> – the gold standard for sex therapy for couples; if you had a current partner, this is what a sex therapist would most likely start you doing, but you don't need a therapist to do it.<br />
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Portable-featured-economical-available-anywhere/dp/B00K0OW60I/" target="_blank">A good, inexpensive massage table</a> – a comfortable, adjustable, folding table will be a big help with both SFT and sensual massage. You also need a couple of beach towels or bath sheets and some coconut oil or other good vegetable oil.<br />
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<a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2015/03/reviews-three-guides-to-sensual-massage.html" target="_blank">Three Guides to Sensual Massage and Manual and Oral Sex</a> – the first one is relevant here, the other two fit in better below.<br />
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<h3>
Anatomy and technique</h3>
<a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/p/better-sex-101_21.html" target="_blank">Better Sex 101</a> – a primer with guidelines for couples and some useful information about anatomy.<br />
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<a href="https://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260/" target="_blank">She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman</a> – this is written for men, obviously, but it may provide some ideas for you on what you want to ask your partners to do for you.<br />
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<a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2016/12/omg-yes.html" target="_blank">OMG Yes!!!</a> – a review of a really good tutorial about the wide variety of ways women get aroused from rubbing, tapping, and massaging the clit and vulva. Go through it yourself and identify the ones that work best for you. Then if a guy asks you what you like most you can tell him or simply lend him the program and show him which parts to practice.<br />
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<a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2016/06/video-tutorials.html" target="_blank">Video tutorials for massage and oral techniques</a> – more explicit than the three guides mentioned in the first section.<br />
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<h3>
Graduate level</h3>
<a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2017/03/bad-good-and-magnificent-sex.html" target="_blank">Bad, good, and magnificent sex</a> – describes the sustainability problem with routine sex and summarizes the research on the surprisingly consistent characteristics described by people who are having great sex.<br />
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<a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2013/09/welcome-to-extraordinary-passion.html" target="_blank">Extraordinary Passion: The Art and Science of Modern Tantric Sex</a> – this blog! A free book-length guide to an advanced form of slow, extended sex.<br />
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I hope some of this helps. Good luck!<br />
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Shakti Amaranthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16204671934660827381noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7299662952978736845.post-67118475581214662712017-06-30T23:00:00.001-07:002017-07-18T14:14:00.996-07:00The Art of the HandjobI'm continuing to collect things I wrote in other places that are relevant here. In this case, I was asked to explain what I mean by "giving a great handjob." (I'm going to describe giving one to a man, but the setup is similar and there's a link at the end to more detailed instructions for women.)<br />
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For starters, I strongly recommend three things:<br />
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<b>LUBE:</b> Coconut oil is best, but any good vegetable oil will do. Warm the oil up before you start, and slowly, lovingly rub it onto the whole area, including his scrotum, his perineum (taint), his ass if there's going to be any assplay, and the upper inside part of his thighs. Relube as often as necessary.<br />
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<b>POSITION:</b> You need to have mobility and you need to be able to use both hands and your mouth. You can't give a good handie with just one hand, so sitting or lying next to him and reaching across into his lap won't cut it. Get him up on a sturdy desk or table so you can stand between his legs or next to one hip. (A massage table is ideal for this, and you can get a good folding table from Amazon for under $90.) Lacking that, get him flat or leaning back where you can kneel beside him or between his legs.<br />
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<b>TIME:</b> A deluxe handjob takes time, so save it for when you have time to make it a luxurious experience. One big problem with the classic bj is stamina. Jaw pain, neck pain, and sheer boredom put a limit on many givers' endurance. If your position is good, handjobs avoid those problems and let you go much longer. And you WANT to go longer, because one of the biggest advantages of a good handjob is that you can "edge" your guy repeatedly, bringing him almost to the brink of orgasm again and again. Besides the sheer fun of making him gasp and moan, this makes his orgasm MUCH bigger and more intense when you finally bring him over the edge!<br />
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As for technique, there are dozens of different strokes you can experiment with, using both hands and sometimes your lips and tongue. (Just as you can use your hands during a BJ, you can use your mouth during a handjob. The main difference is the emphasis.)<br />
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What all the different techniques have in common is that they do not involve any stroking with a fisted grip except – maybe! – at the end. Most men are conditioned to be extra sensitive when the penis is fully enclosed and moving inside in a warm, moist tube, so don't do that until you're ready to make him come. Besides, he can do that better than you can, so it's better to focus on things he can't do for himself!<br />
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Just a few examples of things you can try:<br />
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<b>Polish the pickle:</b> Use your off hand to hold the penis upright while pulling downward on the skin of the shaft. Hold your main hand open with fingers extended and use the flat of the hand to rub the head with a polishing motion, changing angles to "polish" all different sides and the top.<br />
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<b>Capper:</b> Same starting position, but extend your thumb and fingers downward, grasp the head like you're grasping a screw-on bottlecap, and rotate back and forth like you're screwing that cap on and off. More pressure twists the head itself; less pressure moves the fingers around the head, creating nice friction on the corona.<br />
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<b>Firestarter:</b> Sandwich the vertical penis between your palms and rub your hands rapidly in opposite directions, like you are trying to start a fire by twirling a stick. Slowly raise and lower your hands.<br />
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<b>Long stroke:</b> If you are between his legs, use both thumbs to stroke firmly from the very base of the perineum (just above the anus) up the root of the penis and between the balls, to a point about a third of the way or halfway up the shaft. If you curl your hands and let the backs of your fingers rest naturally ahead of your thumbs, you can let your fingers deliver a lighter caress up the whole length of the shaft at the same time.<br />
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<b>Long stroke from the side: </b>If you are positioned at your partner’s side, use the three middle fingers of one hand to deliver the same very firm stroke, starting at the rear, and going part way up the shaft. Let the base of the palm and the flat of your hand precede the fingers, delivering the softer part of the stroke. This stroke can be especially helpful if the man needs help getting a full erection, as it moves blood up from the base area into the penis.<br />
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<b>Flat stroking:</b> Let the penis rest on his belly and use a rapid hand-over-hand stroke with the flats of your hands to stroke upward or downward along the shaft. Vary the pressure and speed – light and fast, slow and very firm, and back again.<br />
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<b>Teasing: </b> Bring the backs of your nails up his inner thighs to his crotch. Then ring his scrotum with the thumb and finger of one hand and draw his balls downward while running the backs of the nails of the other hand up the shaft.<br />
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<b>Headrubs: </b> Grasp the shaft firmly with both hands and use your thumbs to rub from just below the frenulum up, over, and around the head. Licks and sucks go well with this too!<br />
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<b>The Squeeze: </b> Whenever you see his scrotum tighten up, pulling his balls up to the base of his cock, or he seems for other reasons to be getting too close to the "point of no return," immediately stop what you're doing. Use one hand to gently stretch his scrotum, pulling his balls away from his body. At the same time, use the other hand to grip the head and upper part of the shaft and squeeze as much of the blood out of it as you can. Kiss him, or brush your hair over his face and chest, or whisper something silly in his ear to distract him while you're squeezing. Hold it for 30 seconds without moving your hand, and then shift your attention to other parts of his body (thighs, butt, chest, nipples, lips, or even feet) for another 30-60 seconds. This will reset his arousal level down significantly, allowing you to continue.<br />
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There are many other possibilities. Part of the fun is being creative and experimenting and finding out what feels best for him. For tips, see the links below, or google "how to give a handjob" for literally hundreds of articles and videos.<br />
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Vary the rubs, strokes, twists, taps, tugs, licks, sucks, and tickles as much as you can. Until you are ready to end it, you don't want to settle into a steady rhythm or stick with any one thing too long. Mix in intermittent oral whenever it's appropriate. Ditto for anal play if he's okay with it.<br />
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One game that you can do with handjobs that usually isn't practical with BJs is challenging your guy to "see how long you can last without coming." By using The Squeeze at regular intervals, you can make even a "Minuteman" last half an hour or more. You're helping him increase his stamina at the same time that you're learning all the sneaky ways to increase stimulation when you're ready to "win"! :)<br />
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(If you are doing this specifically to help your guy with PE, see this article for more precise instructions: <a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/p/controlling-premature-early-ejaculation.html" target="_blank">The Best Ways to Control Premature Ejaculation</a>.)<br />
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For women, one advantage of giving handjobs is that it gives you the chance to really learn about all of the male anatomy, including the different things that work well and feel good on the head, corona, frenulum, shaft, scrotum, balls, and perineum. (See <i><a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/p/better-sex-101_21.html" target="_blank">Better Sex 101</a></i> and scroll down for help with the anatomy.) Men vary quite a lot in their sensitivity in different places, so you will also learn much more about your own partner's particular levels of sensitivity.<br />
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In tantra, we incorporate a deluxe handjob into what is typically a 40-60 minute full-body tantric massage. For more ideas, there's a series of seven posts on what we call "lingam massage" (for guys) starting here: <a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2013/10/giving-lingam-massage.html" target="_blank"><i>Giving a Lingam Massag<b>e</b></i></a>.<br />
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The matching five-part series on "yoni massage" for women starts here: <a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2013/10/giving-yoni-massage.html" target="_blank"><i>Giving a Yoni Massage</i></a>.<br />
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And if you're interested in learning more about tantric sex, there's a complete instruction manual online, starting here: <i><a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2013/09/welcome-to-extraordinary-passion.html" target="_blank">Extraordinary Passion: The Art and Science of Modern Tantric Sex</a></i>.<br />
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Enjoy!<br />
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Edit: For a male perspective, read this too: <a href="https://np.reddit.com/r/sexover30/comments/4ca078/hjs_the_final_frontier/d1grbwj" target="_blank"><i>HJ's – the final frontier!</i></a>Shakti Amaranthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16204671934660827381noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7299662952978736845.post-64518037632812736232017-05-31T23:43:00.000-07:002017-08-19T11:40:23.246-07:00Modern Buddhist Tantra<div class="tr_bq">
At the beginning of the main "how to learn tantric sex" part of this blog, I made some highly critical comments about the way religious tantra is being marketed in the West. Ninety-nine percent of it is a blatant scam, an attempt to sell a fake, cotton candy version of Tantrism using sex as bait to get people into a cult.</div>
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Most of the ideas that are being peddled by these scammers as "spiritual truths" can be traced back to 19th century European mysticism, not to Asian religions, and <i>especially</i> not to Tantra. Even some of the most basic elements, like chakras, were words borrowed from the East, given totally different meanings in the West, and then exported back to Asia in an unrecognizable form. But no matter what you have been told, Tantra is NOT just another flavor of Western mysticism in Eastern clothing.<br />
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Authentic mainstream Buddhism as practiced in Asia has never interested me. It is deeply ascetic and monastic, and I have no interest in renouncing the real physical world, stifling all pleasures and desires, or becoming a monk or nun. And the watered-down, sanitized form of Buddhism taught in the West has always struck me as passive and weak – a wimpy, artificially-neutered shadow of the real thing.<br />
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I am also severely prejudiced against the typical form of Tantrism currently practiced in India, the home of my ancestors. This is an embarrassingly sleazy form of fake witchcraft and sorcery that preys on poor people, with "tantric wizards" peddling useless charms and hexes and fake cures around the edges of Hindu temples.<br />
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And, until recently, I had not given Buddhist Tantra more than a glance, because it seemed to be filled with bizarre demons and spirits and a lot of the same magical nonsense as the Hindu version.<br />
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However, at the urging of several of my friends and tantric sex preceptors, I have recently been reading David Chapman's blog <a href="https://vividness.live/2011/04/" target="_blank">Vividness</a> and a number of related sources. And Chapman has just about convinced me that the kind of tantric sex that I have been studying, practicing, and writing about CAN live comfortably within a modernized form of Buddhist Tantra.<br />
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Since I know some of the readers of this blog are looking for something more than "just" fantastic sex, I wanted to share some of Chapman's ideas about what a truly modernized form of Buddhist Tantra would look like.<br />
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For him, Tantra is not some tacky hedge wizard selling you amulets. Nor is it some goofy crystal-brained New Age guru selling you "sacred sex" on the installment plan. And it is definitely not an ascetic, life-denying way to achieve nirvana in some far-distant future. On the contrary, it is a muscular, no-nonsense application of a pragmatic problem-solving philosophy to effective action in this world.<br />
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This kind of Tantra is not only NOT a flavor of the usual woo-woo mysticism. It is an outright rejection of <i>all</i> mysticism and spiritualism.<br />
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It begins with the acceptance – or, perhaps more accurately, the <i>non-rejection</i> – of the self. As Chapman says:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">“Ego” is not evil. It is not a spiritual problem.<br /> <br />You do not need to ...</span><br />
<ul>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">get rid of your self </span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">see through the illusion of your self</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">transcend your self</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">transform your self</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">analyze or understand your self </span></li>
</ul>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Tantra is about living here and now. Whatever self you do or don’t have—you are how you are, now. Waiting to get fixed before living is not helpful.<br /> <br />You cannot, and do not need to: </span><br />
<ul>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">find your True Self</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">get in touch with your higher self [much less your guardian angel]</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">awaken the Buddha Within</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">unify your little self with the cosmic All-Self </span></li>
</ul>
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">These are just fantasies. They are imaginary ideals that spiritual people try to live up to. All they will ever do is make you feel inadequate and miserable.</span></blockquote>
(from: <i>"<a href="https://vividness.live/2012/05/03/your-self-is-not-a-spiritual-obstacle/#more-674">Your self is not a spiritual obstacle</a>"</i>)<br />
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Tantra's second crucial difference from New Age hokum and non-tantric Buddhism concerns <i>the non-rejection of reality:</i><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">Spirituality tries to sell you the idea that everything will be peachy-keen forever, if only you apply an all-purpose spiritual solution.</span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">Somehow, that is supposed to solve all practical problems, as well as the big hairy cosmic one.</span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">Tantra thinks that’s twaddle.</span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">Spirituality claims that the mundane world is total garbage. There’s nothing worth having here; it causes nothing but misery in the long run. You should abandon it.</span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">Spirituality claims there’s some kind of heaven, or nirvana, or transcendent reality, or domain of emptiness, that is all-good. You should move on to that spiritual plane. That’s salvation. That’s the solution to everything.</span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">Tantra is about this everyday, concrete world, just as it appears. It is not interested in escapist fantasies about Neverland.</span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0b5394;">This world is where we are. There is nothing fundamentally wrong with it. It’s real, it’s workable, it’s enjoyable, and it needs our help.</span></blockquote>
(from: <i>"<a href="https://vividness.live/2012/05/05/tantra-is-anti-spiritual/#more-688" target="_blank">Tantra is anti-spiritual</a>"</i>)<br />
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If you want to DO Tantra, and not just play pretend Tantra or study the myriad traditional forms of historical Tantra, you need to first forget everything you think you know about Tantra, especially in terms of spirituality and spiritual energy. Because, as Chapman says:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<ul>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Tantra is not nice</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Tantra is not secret</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Tantra is not compatible with Sutra (mainstream Buddhism)</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Tantra is not intellectual</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Tantra is not spiritual</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Tantra is not mystical</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Tantra is not a bunch of rituals</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Tantra is not esoteric Mahayana</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Tantra is not Tibetan Buddhism (nor vice versa)</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Tantra is not traditional</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Tantra is not superstition</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Tantra is not for monks</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Tantra is not <i>all</i> about sex</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Tantra is not safe</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Tantra is not all that dangerous</span></li>
</ul>
</blockquote>
(from: <i>"<a href="https://vividness.live/2012/01/17/reinventing-buddhist-tantra/#more-598" target="_blank">Tantric denials</a>"</i>)<br />
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Okay, so that's what it <i>isn't</i> and how it differs from common misconceptions and from the great pile of spiritual goo that comprises most of New Age spiritualism. But to get a better handle on what it <i>is,</i> we need a couple of definitions.<br />
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To start with, <i><u>a tantra</u></i> is a ritual, formula, recipe, or algorithm for achieving a specific goal. It is a discrete expression of <i>technos</i>, or "know-how," a set of instructions that describes <i>how to get something done. </i><br />
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A tantra always describes actions and a desired result<i>. </i>And to be a <i>true</i> <i>tantra</i>, it must survive an empirical test: <i>does it work? </i><br />
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Historically, there have been many false <i>tantras</i>, including elaborate spells, black magic rituals for killing enemies, prayers for rain or victory, and mystical rites for achieving perfect health and immortality.<br />
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Empirically, however, these are dead ends. There will always be people attracted to magical claims, but they never pan out. Instructions for manipulating spiritual energy or aligning your chakras or tuning your spiritual vibrations may give you a feeling of religious superiority, but they repeatedly fail any sort of real-world pragmatic test of efficacy, so they are <i>not tantric.</i><br />
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On the other hand, any decent cookbook contains dozens of <i>tantras</i> that work. Any do-it-yourself handyman guide, or engineering, physics, or chemistry handbook is filled with <i>tantras</i> that work.<br />
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Youtube is full of <i>tantras</i>, for everything from crochet to carpentry, from arc welding to playing exotic instruments. Some are better than others.<br />
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A set of step-by-step instructions for vipassana (aka mindfulness meditation) is a <i>tantra</i>, and we would consider it a <i>valid</i> <i>tantra</i> if most people, following those instructions, achieve the specified results.<br />
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There are <i>tantras</i> for other kinds of meditation that are more important to Tantra. They also have to pass the test: do they work? (Chapman says yes, but the goals are different from vipassana.)<br />
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However, <i><b>Tantra itself</b></i> is much more than just a collection of <i>tantras</i>, of rituals and formulas. It is a powerful and passionate stance toward life, one of robust, even heroic, engagement with the REAL.<br />
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Its primary focus is on <i>clear thinking, passionate engagement, and empowerment for effective action</i>.<br />
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In this perspective, Tantra is science, technology, and craftsmanship done with intelligence, integrity, and passion. It is also a clear-eyed and non-dogmatic approach to social, cultural, and personal experimentation and a passion for finding ways to make ordinary life better.<br />
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And, very importantly from my point of view, Buddhist Tantra rejects the puritanical, anti-pleasure nihilism and asceticism taught by most branches of Buddhism. Instead, pleasure and joy in this world are considered essential sources of motivation and energy for action to make our lives better.<br />
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Sex and romantic love, for example, have always been <a href="https://approachingaro.org/romance" target="_blank">an important part of Tantric Buddhism</a>, because experiencing intense joy in each other's bodies and an intense loving connection (through practices called <i>karmamudra</i>) resolves stress, improves physical health and energy, and creates positive mental energy that carries over to many other things in life.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Vajra romance is, in fact, taught in every Tibetan Buddhist lineage. It is one of the fundamental <a href="https://approachingaro.org/principles-and-functions">principles</a> of <a href="http://arobuddhism.org/community/tantra.html">Tantra</a>. It played a particularly central role in the early days of Tantra in India. It was the main practice of <a href="http://vajranatha.com/teaching/MahasiddhaTradition.htm">Mahasiddhas</a> such as <a href="http://www.dharmafellowship.org/biographies/historicalsaints/saraha.htm">Saraha</a> and <a href="http://www.keithdowman.net/books/mm.htm#DOMBIPA">Dombipa</a>, who founded the principal Tantric lineages. It was the primary practice of various Tibetan Mahasiddhas, notably the <a href="http://www.kalachakra.org/articles/sixth_dalai.shtml">Sixth Dala’i Lama</a> and Jetsunma Sera Khandro Rinpoche. It has also been the primary practice of innumerable lesser-known Indians and Tibetans.</span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In Tantra, vajra romance is part of the two-person practice called karma mudra. Historically karma mudra was regarded as essential to attaining Buddhahood (although various traditions interpret this in different ways).<br /> <br />Karma mudra has two aspects. First, one regards one’s lover as a fully enlightened Buddha. Second, while in sexual union, the couple engages in highly technical exercises that manipulate the psychophysical energy of the “subtle body.”</span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">[from: <i>"</i><span style="color: #5f60ec; line-height: 1.3em;"><i><a href="https://approachingaro.org/romance" target="_blank">The heart of sun and moon</a>"</i>]</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #5f60ec; font-family: "alegreya" , serif; line-height: 1.3em;"><br /></span>
If you simply want better sex, there are tantras for fantastic sex. <a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2013/09/welcome-to-extraordinary-passion.html" target="_blank">Most of my blog</a> consists of a series of tantras (instructions and rituals) for reinforcing the loving bond between two people and for performing the "highly technical exercises" necessary to experience transcendence during sex. (But be aware that for real success in this you need to have a partner to whom you are deeply committed, and vice versa.)<br />
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However, if you are looking for better sex as part of a larger philosophical framework, and you want a better understanding of David Chapman's kind of Tantra, this is a good place to start: <a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0861711629/" target="_blank">Introduction to Tantra : The Transformation of Desire</a>, by Lama Thubten Yeshe.<br />
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After that, or along with it, I recommend Chapman's online book <a href="http://meaningness.com/" target="_blank">Meaningness</a> and especially his blog <a href="https://vividness.live/2011/06/" target="_blank">Vividness</a>. (It's a blog, so read the articles in reverse order, from the bottom up, and use the date index at the right to find the next month's worth of pages.)<br />
<br />
Enjoy the voyage!!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.aroencyclopaedia.org/shared/image/k/kdr_jsx_hug_417_355.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="355" data-original-width="417" src="https://www.aroencyclopaedia.org/shared/image/k/kdr_jsx_hug_417_355.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption">Vajra hug: Dzogchen adepts Jomo Sam’phel & Kyabjé Künzang Dorje Rinpoche<br />
sharing a tender moment as yogini and yogi</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Shakti Amaranthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16204671934660827381noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7299662952978736845.post-40825271582964302952017-03-27T03:55:00.000-07:002017-07-29T23:20:21.090-07:00Bad, good, and magnificent sexThis is another in a collection of pieces that I've written elsewhere and wanted to include in this blog. I wrote it in answer to a deceptively simple sounding question:<br />
<br />
<i>What is the difference between bad sex, good sex, and great sex?</i><br />
<br />
<b>Bad sex</b> is easy. It's sex that leaves one or both people feeling bad: bored, uninvolved, hurt, used, abused, violated, shamed, humiliated, neglected, ignored, and/or unsatisfied.<br />
<br />
Describing <b>good or great sex</b> is a lot harder, and it might be a good idea to divide it into two kinds, because they use different biochemical pathways in the body and brain and they feel so different:<br />
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<b>Great adrenaline sex</b> is like a mega-sized roller coaster. It is fast, intense, scary, and exciting. Your heart is pounding the whole way and you feel almost out of control at every step. It thrives on risk and the unknown, and when it goes off the rails it can be a horrible wreck, but when it all works out right it is simply amazing. It's center court at Wimbledon, except that every great serve and volley is a win for BOTH of you. It's two near-strangers going out on stage and doing flawless improv for 20 minutes to thunderous applause.<br />
<br />
<b>Great oxytocin sex</b> is the complete opposite. It's like playing a beloved Stradivarius well, instead of firing a machine gun for the first time. It is slower, more sensual, more playful, more generous, and more joyful. The ending is passionate and intense, but the buildup is leisurely and the journey and the anticipation are at least as important as the destination.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
It depends for its success on love, safety, and a deep, intimate knowledge of your partner. And the sharing of pleasure is crucial. The enjoyment you get from giving your partner pleasure is at least as great as the direct sensory pleasure you receive. At the end, when everything goes right, you end up holding onto each other, completely wiped out by love.<br />
<br />
<b>Sustainable sex: </b>We all start with adrenaline sex, because first times are scary, intense, and exciting. So are the early encounters with new partners we care about. And, unfortunately, embarrassing failures of one kind or another are always a possibility, so these encounters are seldom perfect.<br />
<br />
Still, we sometimes come close, and when an intense encounter with a new lover goes flawlessly, the rush is incredible. Anyone who has experienced that, or even come close, is going to remember it as a peak experience forever, perhaps even gilding it a bit in memory. There are many people for whom adrenaline sex IS sex, and anything else is a pale imitation.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, adrenaline sex is rarely, if ever, sustainable in a long, monogamous relationship. Living with one person, getting to know all their quirks and foibles, having sex with them hundreds or thousands of times, takes all the mystery and uncertainty and risk out of sex, making it impossible to recapture that early excitement. Soon, the thrill is gone, the adrenaline stops pumping, and libido declines. <br />
<br />
Many couples try to postpone that point by seeking novelty, flirting with physical and emotional danger, and trying different kinds of transgressive behavior. But what was new and risky soon becomes commonplace and tame, and newer, riskier kinks constantly need to be explored.<br />
<br />
Oxytocin sex, on the other hand, thrives on exactly the kind of safety and familiarity that makes adrenaline sex impossible, and this makes it far more sustainable. Unfortunately, most couples never figure out how to make the transition. As far as I've been able to tell, only about 25-30% of first-time married couples are still having good, frequent, passionate sex 20-30 years later. The rest have either split up (about 40%) or have dwindled into "dead bedroom" companionate marriages (about 30-35%).<br />
<br />
Those aren't great odds. On the other hand, 25-30% isn't zero either, so it's wrong for the "experts" on sexuality to ignore the couples who do succeed in making that transition. Unfortunately, ignoring them is all too common.<br />
<br />
One reason the odds are poor is that real sustainable sex is hardly ever discussed or portrayed in our shared stories, so people don't know much about it. Movies, plays, and novels focus almost entirely on adrenaline sex. It's tense, exciting, tempestuous, and dramatic, so of course it is much more interesting from a storyteller's point of view. <br />
<br />
So romances build up to the peak point of falling in love, and leave the supposedly-inevitable "happy ever after" to the imagination. And mainstream "grim realist" stories tell of the supposedly-inevitable "unhappy ever after," the collapse of love and passion after the big romantic beginning. <br />
<br />
But who describes the 25-30% who experience the <i>real</i> "happy ever after" stories? Hardly anyone, because those stories lack drama and excitement. They're boring to everyone except the people living them!<br />
<br />
<b>Magnificent Sex:</b> Still, you can get a glimpse of what's really happening from research that has been done on long-term couples who are still having great, passionate sex after many years together. "Maxxters," the Reddit moderator who wrote a lot of the <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/wiki/index">r/sex FAQ</a>, wrote an excellent article called <a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20140108200208/http://www.sexpertslounge.com/2012/07/08/the-components-of-magnificent-sex/" target="_blank">"The Components of Magnificent Sex"</a> which is a summary of some outstanding research done by Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz and her colleagues. And the fascinating thing about that research is that each couple thought they were unusual or unique, that "every couple is different," yet their descriptions of magnificent sex matched one another on point after point.</div>
<div>
<br />
It turns out, rather unexpectedly, that what the people who experience it call "magnificent sex" is clearly identifiable, with eight quite strong distinguishing characteristics:<br />
<ul>
<li>Being present, focused and embodied</li>
<li>Connection, alignment, merger, being in synch</li>
<li>Deep sexual and erotic intimacy</li>
<li>Extraordinary communication, heightened empathy</li>
<li>Authenticity, being genuine, uninhibited, transparency</li>
<li>Transcendence, bliss, peace, transformation, healing</li>
<li>Exploration, risk-taking, fun</li>
<li>Vulnerability and surrender</li>
</ul>
<div>
What's more, they found that what made this kind of sex "magnificent" also made it sustainable, even in the face of aging and adversity:</div>
<div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Interestingly, the researchers found that magnificent sex has very little to do with sexual functioning (maintaining an erection, being able to get wet enough, or being able to reach orgasm), and that the sexual acts and positions were much less important than the mindset and intent of the people involved. In general, the study showed that for these participants, sex got better and better as they got older, even in the face of illness and disease. As one participant put it, “thinking sex has to stop just because of illness or old age is a disability of the imagination.”</blockquote>
</div>
<div>
I'll leave you to read the rest of Maxxters' article and the original research for yourself – which I strongly recommend – but what the researchers are calling "magnificent sex" is essentially great oxytocin sex taken to the next highest level. It's what we're striving for here in terms of tantric sex.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
---</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I've written before about the roles of oxytocin and adrenaline and their effects on sex and relationships. If you want to explore it further, <a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2013/10/oxytocin-and-emotional-bonding.html" target="_blank">Oxytocin and Emotional Bonding</a> is a good starting point.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And this is the original research behind Maxxter's article: <a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20131103034322/http://www.scribd.com/doc/37691771/The-components-of-optimal-sexuality-a-portrait-of-great-sex" target="_blank">The components of optimal sexuality: a portrait of "great sex"</a>; The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, March 22, 2009; Peggy J. Kleinplatz, A. Dana Menard, Marie-Pierre Paquet , Nicolas Paradis, Meghan Campbell, Dino Zuccarino, Lisa Mehak</div>
</div>
Shakti Amaranthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16204671934660827381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7299662952978736845.post-7412346850352638272017-02-11T16:11:00.001-08:002017-10-07T21:40:55.563-07:00The Evolution of the ClitorisIn <a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2016/12/omg-yes.html" target="_blank">my last post</a>, I talked about an impressive online program at <i>OMGyes.com</i> that teaches users a wide variety of techniques for using the fingers to stimulate the clitoris, get a woman aroused, and help her have an orgasm. Knowing how to do this is important for those of us with clits and for those who love us because so many women – over 70% according to many studies – are unable to have an orgasm from normal penetrative sex alone, without any direct or indirect stimulation of the clit.<br />
<br />
But this raises the obvious question: why is that true? If the purpose of the clit is to make sex pleasurable and lead to orgasms, why isn't the clit positioned so that it is directly stimulated during normal, penetrative, penis-in-vagina (PiV) sex?<br />
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<h3>
Lots of theories, not much evidence.</h3>
<div class="p1">
Human evolution has a lot of puzzles, and the origins of our mixed-up mating system and our dysfunctional menstrual & childbirth system are two of the most fascinating. Unfortunately, there's not a lot of hard evidence, so we're left with ingenious ideas using analogies with other evolutionary patterns. Sometimes, as we will see, a plausible-sounding idea can be disproven, but rarely can a good one be conclusively demonstrated to be "true."</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Still, the process of coming up with good possible explanations can be entertaining and illuminating, as long as we keep in mind that these are only hypotheses, not definitive answers. With that caution in mind I'm going to indulge in a little bit of detective work and theorizing about an enduring mystery: why is the human clitoris positioned so that it isn't directly stimulated during normal PiV sex?</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
The clitoris is the only human organ whose sole function is pleasure. It's incredibly sensitive, with more than 8,000 nerve ends packed into a tiny space. It exists solely to be rubbed, licked, sucked or otherwise stimulated, to create pleasure, sexual arousal, and orgasms.<br />
<br />
We associate orgasms with PiV sex and reproduction because the male orgasm is necessary for ejaculation and conception. But if PiV is the only kind of sex we have, then the majority of women will seldom or never have an orgasm with their partners. This leads to the well-known "orgasm gap," the finding that among single people who are having sex, men are 4 to 7 times more likely than women to have an orgasm in a given encounter. Even among long-term couples, men are roughly twice as likely to have an orgasm.<br />
<br />
Now, we could explore all sorts of interesting social and cultural tangents here, like why don't more men spend enough time on foreplay and why don't more women demand it? But let's stick for now with the underlying evolutionary puzzle, that an organ that appears to be designed for one specific purpose also appears to be <i>poorly located</i> for achieving that purpose.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br />
<h2>
Function versus random variation</h2>
</div>
<div class="p1">
One basic principle of evolution is that if you see a lot of seemingly random variation in a feature, the specific details affecting that feature are probably irrelevant in functional terms (though they still may be relevant for sexual selection).<br />
<br />
For example, having fingerprints is useful. The ridges on the skin increase your tactile sensitivity and improve your grip, particularly for wet, hard objects. But the specific <i>pattern</i> of lines and whorls makes no difference, so that pattern is free to vary randomly. In fact, it varies so much so that every fingerprint is unique or nearly so, which is why fingerprints can be used for identification.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
In a similar way, clits and inner labia vary widely in size, shape, and color – and why not? It's not like they have to fit into a certain receptacle or perform a function related to size or shape.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
However, there does seem to be one <i>functional</i> difference. The gap between the clitoris and the vaginal opening is inversely related to the likelihood that a woman can have an orgasm from PiV alone. The bigger the "clitoral/vaginal gap," the harder it is to have an orgasm without explicit clitoral stimulation before or during PiV sex.<br />
<br />
Specifically, a gap of more than an inch means that a woman is much less likely to be able to have an orgasm from PiV sex without clitoral stimulation. A gap of less than an inch means she is more likely to have easy PiV orgasms.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
If this really mattered to reproduction – if, for example, having easy orgasms increased your desire for sex or improved your chances of getting pregnant – it would seem that we would all be descended from women with clits near their vaginal openings who orgasmed easily from PiV. Obviously we aren't, or all women would have short c/v gaps, but why <i>doesn't</i> it matter?<br />
<br />
<h2>
Does the female orgasm increase fertility?</h2>
Associating orgasms with conception seems so plausible that scientists have made many attempts to find out whether orgasms during PiV sex increase fertility. One of the most plausible and persistent hypotheses is called the "upsuck theory," the idea that a well-timed female orgasm might cause semen in the vaginal canal to be sucked up into the womb.<br />
<br />
However this idea has been investigated and disproven repeatedly, as have all of the other theories about orgasms and conception. Data collected on large populations consistently demonstrates that women who never orgasm during PiV are just as likely to conceive during sex as women who always do. <i>The female orgasm does not enhance fertility or increase conception rates.</i></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Instead it seems like the variation in the c/v gap is either completely random, or else we're evolving in the other direction, toward a larger c/v gap. And this creates a bit of a mystery. Why <i>doesn't</i> evolution favor women who have an easier time orgasming during "normal" reproductive sex? Wouldn't the extra reward cause them to have sex more often, and thus have more babies?</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
The answer, surprisingly, is that they might (or might not) have more sex, but it doesn't matter in evolutionary terms. And to understand what's going on we need a bit of background.<br />
<br />
To begin with, humans have sex <i>FAR</i> more than necessary to ensure that females get pregnant. Compared to most other mammals, we're sex maniacs! We have sex when we aren't fertile. We have sex even when we're pregnant!<br />
<br />
We have even evolved a unique combination of features – cryptic ovulation and full breasts for non-nursing women – whose purpose is to ensure that we will have sex even when it is reproductively meaningless. For most mammals, it's easy to tell when a female is ovulating and able to get pregnant. For humans, it's not. And for other mammals, full breasts are always a signal that the female is not fertile. But not with humans. For us the "not fertile/not interested" sign is completely inverted and turned into a sexual attractor!<br />
<br />
Humans are weird because, for us, <i>the primary purpose of sex is not conception.</i> It is pair bonding. We have sex all the time, especially when we aren't fertile, because the attachment between man and woman is so important to our children's survival chances. We can and often do have sex all the time, even when we're pregnant, nursing, menopausal, or simply in-between the fertile points in our periods. And that is crucial for maintaining that bond.<br />
<br />
The key point for understanding why this is true is that human evolution is <i>NOT</i> driven primarily by the conception rate. For long-lived creatures, we have very few children. Even among "primitive" tribes, the average birth spacing is 3-4 years unless a baby dies in infancy. And it's extraordinarily difficult for us to get pregnant. Most non-domesticated mammals have 90 to 99.9% pregnancy-per-ovulation rates under normal circumstances in the wild. With humans, it's around 20%.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
The explanation for this comes from the harsh reality that having large-brained babies makes pregnancy extremely risky for human mothers. The fact that human infants are also helpless for a long time means that every pregnancy is both a risk to the mother's life <i>and</i> a potentially huge investment in parental time and calories. So a "wasted" pregnancy – one that doesn't produce a successful adult – is very expensive in evolutionary terms.<br />
<br />
This means that a woman's chances of having living descendants many generations later went up if she had several healthy, successful adult children. And in an environment in which only a quarter of all children made it to adulthood, having lots of wasted pregnancies meant a lower, not a higher, evolutionary success rate. The big evolutionary filter was not ease of conception or the total fertility rate, it was the infant and child mortality rate.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
This means that for our ancestors it was better to get pregnant less often and to devote more resources to raising each kid, and it was critical to have <i>the best possible genetic material</i> for each kid. Indeed, it appears that one big reason for our extremely low conception rate is that the human menstrual system evolved to create an extremely hostile environment for the fertilized egg, specifically to kill off as many sub-par embryos as possible.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<h2>
But what constitutes "the best possible genetic material"?</h2>
</div>
<div class="p2">
As humans evolved, the critical traits were: general fitness, robust immune system, intelligence, language, and sociality. The first two are standard for all "higher" animals, but the last three are special. In prehistoric times, a lone human was a dead human. We're among the most intensely social species on earth. Humans depend as a species on cooperation, communication, and intelligent problem solving. That's our evolutionary niche, and so far it has been a great success.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Among surviving tribes of foragers/hunter-gatherers, a man was most likely to have great-grandchildren if he was smart, verbal, and cooperative, and did everything he could to help his kids and grandkids survive and grow up. So women who favored men who were good fathers <i>also</i> had more great-grandchildren, and those great-grandchildren also had better chances of reproductive success.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<h2>
Okay, fine, but what does this have to do with the clit?</h2>
</div>
<div class="p2">
Well, one of the most interesting theories about the clitoral/vaginal gap is that it functions as a selector for all three essential human traits. The idea is that a man who wants to please his partner and make her happy (cooperation), who can understand what she's trying to tell him (language), and who can figure out how to give her an orgasm using his hands and mouth (intelligence), is probably going to be a good father, and his kids will inherit those traits.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
If a woman has a short c/v gap, she can have orgasms with almost any guy. But if she has a long c/v gap, orgasms are not automatic, and she is more likely to prefer a guy who can "solve the puzzle of the clit" and make her happy. In the process, these women are more likely to dump the less social/verbal/intelligent guys who are "bad in bed" and have their babies by the guys who are better dad prospects.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
And isn't that what we still see today? Women start off being attracted to the big, strong, healthy guys. But the orgasm gap in the teens and early 20s is huge. About 10-20% of young women can have orgasms routinely with almost every partner. But a lot of the rest feel like failures and are chronically dissatisfied with sex because they rarely if ever reach orgasm.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Gradually, however, many of the women who <i>can't</i> have pure PIV orgasms do eventually find guys who are smart enough and who care enough to "solve the puzzle" and learn to give pleasure and orgasms to their partners consistently. <br />
<br />
These men are the ones that women call "keepers." They are <i>givers</i> – good, generous lovers who are also, on the average, better life-partners and better dads. So, paradoxically, <i>being a little harder to please</i> sexually may make a woman slightly more likely to end up having kids who grow up and become successful adults.<br />
<br />
The important thing to remember about this is that evolution is a blind statistical process. All that matters is whether a gene or combination of genes leads to having a larger or smaller number of descendants many generations later.<br />
<br />
Specifically, it does not matter to evolution whether something makes you happy or makes life easier or more enjoyable. It is not a benevolent process. It it is not affected at all by human pleasure or suffering or frustration <i>unless</i> those things result in having more or fewer descendants in the long run.<br />
<br />
So it makes perfectly good sense for evolution to favor something that makes it harder for us to get pleasure from sex, <i>provided</i> that there is a long-term reproductive payoff. In this case, it makes sense for women to have a reason to prefer having sex with men who are smart and willing to please if it means that those women are even slightly more likely to have babies who will grow up to be smarter and more cooperative, and who will choose or be chosen by smarter and more cooperative partners ... and so on, down through the generations.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
But note that if the c/v gap was one of the things pushing evolution along toward brainier and more cooperative humans, it could only work if women really valued clitoral stimulation and orgasms. It’s not enough to have a puzzle. Women have to care a lot and have a strong preference for the guys who actually <i>solve</i> the puzzle.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
So this theory isn't just an explanation for the c/v gap. It also explains why the clit is so rich in nerve ends and why women's orgasms feel so good!<br />
<br />
As I said at the top, this is just one possible explanation for the c/v gap. But I think it's a good one.<br />
<br />
So, ladies, when you insist on your partner helping you satisfy your needs and not just his own, and you dump the guys who won't or can't reduce the orgasm gap, you are part of what appears to be a long tradition with a strong evolutionary foundation.<br />
<br />
And men? If you put your lady's pleasure first and take pride in your mastery of good clit technique, then congratulations. That means you're taking your rightful place in a long line of winners in the evolutionary race! <br />
<br />
Or at least it's fun to think so, and sticking to those standards will greatly improve the quality of sex everywhere!<br />
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😀<br />
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Shakti Amaranthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16204671934660827381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7299662952978736845.post-18986840028399725402016-12-31T19:33:00.001-08:002018-12-06T15:15:38.092-08:00OMG Yes!!!I had another topic planned for this month, but I decided to postpone it because I wanted to recommend a rather special website before the year's end. The website is called <i>"<a href="http://omgyes.com/">OMGYes.com</a>,"</i> and it's a great resource for anyone interested in having better sex. <br />
<br />
The website is based on extensive research on what it takes to get women aroused and what specific clitoral stimulation techniques are used by many different women to achieve orgasm. What makes this website really special, however, is that it includes not just interviews with women describing their preferred ways to get aroused, but also videos of exactly what they are doing as they stimulate themselves.<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
The videos are high quality, clear, explicit, and non-pornographic. They're also funny and rather charming, as the interviewees bare all for the camera and describe things that are mostly taboo. There are a few awkward giggles and pauses as the women look for the right words, but it feels very natural and comfortable. I have no idea how they found so many attractive and very articulate women who were willing to do this, but kudos to the casting director and especially to the cast. They're amazing!<br />
<br />
In addition to the videos, there are practice screens after many of them that allow the viewer to practice the motions on a high-res interactive image of a vulva. So if you hear a description and watch a video of a woman describing a specific fingering pattern, you can then practice the same motion and get feedback as to speed, pressure, and location. (Note: this works MUCH better on a touch screen. Doing it with a mouse will wear out your hand!)<br />
<br />
<h3>
So... who is it for?</h3>
First, it's definitely for women as well as men. Women who have never really explored their own bodies, who have never masturbated to orgasm, or who have only used one method to reach orgasm will benefit tremendously from reading about, hearing about, and watching demonstrations of a wide variety of ways to receive pleasure manually. <br />
<br />
I think it would be rare for a woman, even one who is comfortable with her own body, to see this without finding at least one new idea she wants to try out. For women who are still struggling to find their own key to sexual pleasure, <i>OMGYes!</i> has a cornucopia of ideas to explore.<br />
<br />
It's also a terrific resource for women who have no trouble reaching orgasm on their own, but have a lot of trouble telling their partners what they want and need. This is one of the best things about the demos. As you try to duplicate the desired strokes, you get verbal responses that demonstrate <i>how</i> to give constructive feedback to your partner. <br />
<br />
Plus, I don't know about other women, but even after writing about tantric sex for years, I still have trouble visualizing what my partner is doing down there. Watching these demos has finally given me a clue about some important differences between touches that work for me when he does them and touches that are almost the same, but just don't cut it.<br />
<br />
So it's a big help in figuring out exactly what to ask for and how to ask for it. Even better, if you share it with your partner, it will help the two of you build a vocabulary of touches and strokes so you can communicate more clearly about what works and what doesn't.<br />
<br />
Men (and gay women) are likely to use this website in one of two ways. First, if you're in a relationship with a woman, get her to go through the twelve units in "Season One" and show you the techniques she wants you to learn. There are many, many couples who have trouble talking explicitly about sex, but who could use <i>OMGyes</i> as a playbook. Even if she is too shy to demonstrate on herself, she can point and tell you, "Try this!"<br />
<br />
Second, <i>every</i> person who is single and loves women would benefit from studying the entire website. The range in what different women need from their partners is nothing short of astounding. As many men have discovered, if you learned one way of doing things that worked with your first girlfriend, and you expect every other woman to react as she did, you – and they – will be severely disappointed!<br />
<br />
If you get nothing else from this website, you will come away with a much greater appreciation for the first rule of sexual mechanics: there is no such thing as <b>one</b> way to have sex that will please everyone, or even most people. You have to pay attention and learn to understand your partner's body and you have to communicate and help your partner understand yours!<br />
<br />
The emphasis throughout Season One is on techniques for clitoral stimulation. And because of the way the videos are done, all of the demonstrations are of fingering techniques. You can apply them to oral, but there are things you can do in oral that you can't do, at least not as well, with your fingers and vice versa, so not everything will apply to other dimensions of sex.<br />
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The emphasis on fingering fits particularly well for people involved in tantric sex, because we do so much yoni massage. Z and I have been doing tantra for more than 20 years, and I would have sworn that he had tried every good trick in the book. But after we went through the website together, he insisted that he has at least three new things that he wants to try out on me tomorrow morning! (O, happy day!)<br />
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Contents</h3>
To give you an idea of the range of topics, here are the lessons in Season One:<br />
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<li><b>Edging</b><i> </i>– delaying orgasm to increase its strength & duration <i>(YES! :)</i></li>
<li><b>Rhythm</b> – finding the right rhythm and knowing when to increase it and when to keep it the same</li>
<li><b>Hinting</b> – more edging techniques, using light, glancing contact</li>
<li><b>Consistency</b> – when being consistent is really important</li>
<li><b>Surprise</b> – the delicious feeling of an unexpected touch or digression</li>
<li><b>Multiples</b> – whether to pause during her first orgasm and when and how to resume afterward to help a women have more than one</li>
<li><b>Accenting</b> – the extra pressure at the right point in a circle or other pattern</li>
<li><b>Framing</b> – the way you talk about sex creates expectations that can dramatically change how it feels</li>
<li><b>Layering</b> – stimulating the clit indirectly, through the hood, the labia, and even cloth</li>
<li><b>Staging</b> – learning how sensitivity changes in different stages of arousal</li>
<li><b>Orbiting</b> – "the million ways of circling the clit"</li>
<li><b>Signaling</b> – good ways to give feedback physically and orally</li>
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All of these are important for tantra, particularly for giving and receiving a good yoni massage. I especially loved that <i>edging</i> came first! After many years of feeling like a lonely advocate for extending arousal and delaying orgasm, it's so nice to see that more people are catching on!</div>
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<i>Orbiting</i> was perhaps the biggest surprise. I realized that during my interviews with tantric couples over the years, I had heard many men and women talk about "circling the clit," and I always assumed that I knew what they meant. Now I realize that I had absolutely no idea! Each one of them could have meant a dozen different things, yet I was lumping it all together in my head, assuming they meant the same thing I do when I say it!</div>
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And the lesson on <i>framing</i> is one that I should probably link to from my post on <a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2013/10/receiving-yoni-massage.html" target="_blank">How to receive a yoni massage</a>. It gives yet another perspective on the importance of learning to relax and just accept pleasure, without concern for time or destinations or what your partner is thinking about. In addition, it provides tips to a woman's partner for getting her relaxed and in the right receptive frame of mind, primarily by being enthusiastic about <i>giving</i> pleasure without creating any pressure on her to perform.<br />
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The lesson on <i>multiples</i> was good as far as it went, but I was disappointed in how it ended, with a rather abrupt statement that half of all women can't have multiple orgasms, so if it doesn't work for you, just stop trying. On the contrary, I have found that any women who can have an intense orgasm from edging can also learn to have multiple orgasms with enough time.<br />
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(The secret is taking the time for extended yoni massage with a lot of edging, at least once a week. More than half of the 59 women I interviewed for my tantra research initially thought they were unable to have multiple orgasms, yet all of them had started having multiples routinely by the end of their first year. I followed the same pattern myself, and I've heard the same story since then from many other women who learned tantric sex from this blog.)<br />
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I know what the crew at <i>OMGyes!</i> were trying to do, They wanted to reduce the pressure that a partner can put on a woman to have multiples if things don't work right away. But they should have addressed that directly (as they did in the framing section), without seeming to rule out the possibility that success can take a long time and lots of patience.</div>
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With that tiny reservation, this is a terrific resource for anyone interested in getting better at sex, and it is particularly valuable for tantra beginners. It's like an extended course in yoni massage. <b><i>Highly recommended!</i></b></div>
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You can get a good overview and do the Edging lesson for free at <a href="http://omgyes.com/" target="_blank"><i>OMGYES!</i></a> If you decide it's for you, the cost of a subscription is just $39. I think it would be well worth it for many people. I'm already planning to give subscriptions to several young couples I'm fond of. :)<br />
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<h3>
Final thoughts</h3>
You may want to review <a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/p/better-sex-101_21.html" target="_blank">Better Sex 101</a> and brush up on your female anatomy before you start. The text guides and videos use both formal and informal terms for the female genitals, and they just assume that you will know what each word means. But many of the people who need this software don't know what a "vulva" is, or how it differs from a vagina, or even where the clitoris is.<br />
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For these reasons and more, it would have been very helpful if the crew at <i>OMGYes!</i> had started with a simple interactive anatomy lesson. They mention at several points the need for a common language to make communication easier, and I think they missed an opportunity to provide one. <br />
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For example, I would have liked to see a live demo, with several women doing a show-and-tell, touching, moving, and naming each part and demonstrating the wide differences in appearance of the inner and outer labia and the clitoris.<br />
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It would also be great if they would add a selectable overlay to the demos that assigns the letters A through F to "zones" corresponding to:<br />
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A = the upper part of the clitoral shaft/hood, just below the pubic bone<br />
B = the middle of the clitoral shaft/hood.<br />
C = the head of the Clit (the clitoral glans, the "button" or "bean")<br />
D = the middle of the vestibule, between the clit and the vaginal opening<br />
E = the vaginal opening or Entrance<br />
F = the Fourchette, the fold of skin at the very bottom of the vulva, between the vaginal entrance and the perineum or<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "roboto" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 19.2px;"> "</span>taint."<br />
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Just being able to spell out where to touch would give couples who had seen it a handy communication resource. "Start at A and go down the left side all the way to F, then back up the right side" is very different from "Make circles from B to D, but don't touch C!"<br />
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Next up for Season Two? They haven't given any hints, but my vote is for either cunnilingus (oral sex for women) or lingam massage (aka "super-deluxe handjobs with edging" for men) if they can figure out the viewing and demo problems.<br />
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As an interim, they could do an entire season on sensual & erotic massage. This would be easy to do with their existing software and I know from hearing from readers and from discussions online that it would fill a major need. It would also be a natural extension of everything in Season One, especially the parts on edging. We'll see!<br />
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<b><i>Happy New Year! May all your fondest wishes for the new year come true!</i></b></div>
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<br />Shakti Amaranthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16204671934660827381noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7299662952978736845.post-4315098600354387582016-11-29T02:24:00.002-08:002022-08-09T22:37:22.065-07:00The Fabulous(?) FornixI recently got a request for information about the cervical fornix and the role it can play in having good sex. This reader wanted to know if it's true that some women get extreme pleasure from having the fornix stimulated, and wanted more information about its location and what was required to stimulate it.<br />
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There have been a rash of web posts in the last few years claiming nearly magical properties for this "spot," with some people claiming that simply having the head of the penis enter into the fornix causes an instant orgasm for the woman that is more intense than any other. With claims like that floating around, it seems like a good idea to take a serious look at the subject.<br />
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Anatomy</h3>
Let's start with some real anatomy, because there's a lot of bad pseudo-anatomy running around on the internet with respect to the fornix. This diagram from a med school anatomy course shows<a href="http://med.uc.edu/labmanuals/ga/pelvis%20and%20perineum%20-%20prosection%20guide/THE%20PELVIS%20AND%20PERINEUM_files/image059.jpg" target="_blank"> two views of the female internal genitals</a>:<br />
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In the second view, the woman is facing to the <b><i>left</i></b> and she has a normal (forward-tilted) uterus. (Compare this with the first view in the image below.)<br />
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Notice that the fornix is not a "spot." It is the entire ring-shaped depression that goes all the way around the base of the cervix. What we call the "anterior fornix" or "the A-spot" is just the front-most part of the fornix. What we call the "posterior fornix" or "the P-spot" is just the rear-most part of the fornix.<br />
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Similarly, the<i> lateral fornices</i> (shown in the left hand drawing) are just the left and right quadrants of the fornix. In spite of the way they are usually drawn and talked about, the four "fornices" aren't separated from each other, they are just names for four arbitrary segments of a ring.<br />
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Is the uterus "tipped"?</h3>
Now look at the location of the cervix and the location and depth of the anterior and posterior fornices in these two images from the Mayo Clinic's website, showing <a href="http://www.mayoclinic.org/~/media/kcms/gbs/patient%20consumer/images/2013/08/26/10/51/an00461_im02817_ans7_tipped_uterusthu_jpg.png" target="_blank">the two most common positions for the uterus</a>:<br />
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In this case, the woman is facing to the <b><i>right</i></b> in both images, so the <i>posterior</i> fornix (or P-spot) is on the left, toward the rectum, and the <i>anterior</i> fornix (or A-spot) is on the right, right next to the bladder.</div>
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As you can see, the uterus isn't just flipped toward the rear in the second image. It also connects to the vagina at a different point. That means that the cervix is in a different location – more at the far end of the vagina instead of being on the front wall – and it is oriented at a very different angle. As a result, the anterior and posterior fornices are very different in location, depth, and angle.<br />
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In particular, notice that in the "normal" position for the uterus, shown on the left, the <i>anterior</i> fornix is quite a bit shallower and closer to the vaginal opening than the <i>posterior</i> fornix. But in the image on the right, both fornices are the same distance from the entrance, and the <i>anterior</i> fornix is actually somewhat deeper. This can have a major effect on whether a penis "fits" into either fornix in a particular position.<br />
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Roughly half of all women have a uterus that is tilted forward and rests on the bladder. Around 30% have one that is tilted back, resting against the rectum. And the rest have a uterus that is in-between, so it's not leaning against either the bladder or the rectum. (If you have a uterus and you don't already know which way it tilts, your GYN can probably tell you.)<br />
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These aren't the only variations. Sometimes the uterus has a bend in the middle (called retroflex or anteflex, depending on which way it bends). This can increase or decrease how far the cervix is displaced toward the front or back wall of the vagina. <br />
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Finally, women who are not on hormonal birth control and are not post-menopausal will often notice that the cervix is lower for several days around the time of ovulation. Sometimes this means an increased chance of painful cervix hits just on those days when your sex drive is greatest, which can be really annoying if your partner doesn't know how to adjust his position!<br />
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The position, shape, and orientation of the fornix</h3>
So there's quite a lot of variation in the position of the cervix and the angle at which it sticks into the vagina, whether it's on the front (anterior) wall of the vagina, or it's right at the end of the vagina, or it's somewhat on the back (posterior) wall. It can be more extremely forward or back than the above images show, or it can be anywhere in-between. And since the fornix is the space around the base of the cervix, variations in the location and angle of the cervix create large differences in the location and shape of the fornix as well.<br />
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Getting sexually aroused causes the uterus to lift up a bit into the lower abdomen, helping to lengthen and straighten out the vagina. The vagina also "tents," or gets larger at the inner end.<br />
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Both of these changes open up and alter the shape of the fornices a lot, but they don't change the <i>relative</i> position of the cervix very much. Tenting creates a fairly large potential space all around the cervix - including the space we call the fornix - and the width, depth, and shape of the fornix in an aroused woman's vagina will vary all the way around the cervix. Furthermore, its shape at any particular point varies a lot from woman to woman.<br />
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Genital "fit" in different positions</h3>
Then there's the question of penis width, length, and curvature. A shorter penis may be able to reach the anterior fornix but not the the posterior fornix, particularly if a woman has a longer vagina and a uterus that is tilted forward. If a woman has a shorter vagina, on the other hand, a longer penis can easily get trapped in the anterior fornix and poke painfully into the cervix if it is driven to full depth, and yet feel good if angled past the cervix into the posterior fornix.<br />
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Similarly, a penis with a large head (glans) may be too large to fit into the anterior fornix and hit the cervix instead. And a curved penis that is just the right length for a particular woman may fit snugly into one part of her fornix in one specific position and still miss her entire fornix in all other positions.<br />
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As this indicates, positions matter a lot. For most couples in most rear-entry positions, for example, the head of the penis presses against the front wall of the vagina and strokes across the g-spot into the <i>anterior</i> fornix. This is one reason why many women like doggie, and especially like pronebone, where the penis enters the vagina at a steep angle to the vaginal axis.<br />
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On the other hand, most couples find that it takes an extreme angle in a rear-entry position for the penis to reach past the cervix and connect with the <i>posterior</i> fornix. The woman can stand and rest her hands on the floor or a piece of furniture so that she is bent completely over, with her chest against her thighs. Or, if she is comparatively tall and flexible, she can drop her chest to the bed in doggie and raise her butt as high as possible to duplicate the same pelvic angle. Even in these cases, though, the man must enter low and angle his penis upward for it to work for most women. (An upwardly-curved penis helps.)<br />
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In missionary, the penis is normally aligned more or less with the main axis of the vagina, not pressing one part of the vaginal wall more than any other. However, if the woman's butt is raised – e.g., if she grasps her knees and pulls them toward her shoulders, lifting her hips off the bed – the penis can be angled toward the front wall, sliding across the g-spot and aiming toward the anterior fornix.<br />
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Conversely, the woman can extend her legs flat on the bed and the man can slide forward along the woman's body in a "pelvic override" or "coital alignment" position, forcing his penis to aim more vertically downward toward the bed. This causes the head of the penis to press against the back wall of the vagina and slide along it into the posterior fornix (if the penis is long enough). This works best when the uterus is "tipped" toward the rear.<br />
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<b>Experimenting in the "cowgirl" position</b></h3>
<a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2014/08/woman-on-top-sex-tips-in-cowgirl.html" target="_blank">Cowgirl</a> (woman on top) is in many ways the most flexible position in terms of angle, and it gives control to the person best able to determine if the penis is in some "magic spot." So if you're the female partner, get on top in the normal cowgirl position, with your vaginal opening centered around the base of his penis, and then shift <i>your whole body</i> forward or back, causing the head of his penis to press in the same direction.<br />
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Specifically, if you sit up straight and slide your body forward toward his waist about an inch or two, you'll press the head of his penis against the front wall of your vagina, where it will stroke your g-spot and slide into your anterior fornix. If, instead, you <i>lean forward </i>and <i>slide your whole body backward</i> a little bit toward his thighs, you'll press the head of his penis against the back wall of your vagina, and it will slip into your posterior fornix if it's long enough.<br />
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(As is true for the coital alignment position, this creates extra pressure and friction between the shaft of his penis and the front of your vaginal opening. This feels good and may pull your labia and clitoral hood downward, creating extra stimulation for the clitoris.)<br />
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You can also shift to the left or right. Don't <i>tilt</i> to the side; stay upright or tilted forward while you move your whole body sideways an inch or two. This will angle his penis toward one of your <i>lateral</i> fornices. If his penis is too long for your <i>anterior</i> fornix, and too short for your <i>posterior</i> fornix, and it keeps hitting your cervix in the middle and hurting you, try a sideways shift. Aiming his penis toward one of your lateral fornices might turn out to be the perfect answer.<br />
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Summing it up</h3>
There are many people for whom none of this matters. Whether the tip of the penis fits "just right" into the fornix at some point around its circumference makes no difference in how PiV feels to them.<br />
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However, some people really, really like that feeling, and if you're one of them, it's worth giving some thought to anatomical differences and the geometry that makes for a good fit for you and your partner. In particular, some people claim that finding a good "fornix fit" can add almost electric intensity to "yab-yum," the period of motionless penetration that many couples who practice tantric sex include near the end of the ritual.<br />
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The PiV positions that allow for that "fitting snugly into the socket" feeling will depend on the length, angle, and shape of the vagina, the location of the cervix, and the angle, length, width, and curvature of the penis. And all of these things vary widely from one person to the next.<br />
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<i>This means that there are no "best" positions for every couple.</i> You will just have to experiment with your partner. The best positions for the two of you will depend entirely on how your bodies fit together in different positions at different angles and depths.<br />
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To help you figure out what's going on in there, a reader recommended this website, <a href="http://beautifulcervix.com/" target="_blank">http://beautifulcervix.com/</a> as "a great way to visualize exactly how things look internally." It's a great resource!<br />
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But you shouldn't rely just on pictures and generalizations. Knowing the location of your (or your partner's) cervix and the tilt of your (her) uterus can help you understand what's going on in there and really help you visualize which way to move. For most women, the cervix is in reach of a finger, so go have fun "playing doctor"!<br />
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❤️💕<br />
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Shakti Amaranthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16204671934660827381noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7299662952978736845.post-6699715795462647042016-10-31T22:51:00.000-07:002017-03-27T04:49:40.140-07:00Bram & Kat & Gunter & Ann: A Tantric Foursome<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">As some of you know, I was traveling from July to early Sept, which is why there are no posts here for July and August. But I want to share with you one of the most interesting stops I made on my journey, a visit with </span> two couples in Amsterdam who are in a committed tantric foursome.<br />
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<span class="s1">I had them each pick a nickname, so I'll be calling them Bram, Kat, Gunter, & Ann.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Bram and Kat are Dutch, both 41; they have an 11-year-old daughter I'll call Kitty. They both have mid-level management jobs.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Ann is English and the baby of the group at 34. She's a a pediatric therapist, specializing in Sensory Integration/Sensory Processing Disorder and autism. Gunter, 37, is a programmer from Austria. Their son is 3, and I'll call him Gumby because of the way he twists his face into funny shapes and wraps himself around any friendly adult.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Ann and Kat sent me an email last spring and I got to know them pretty well online. When they heard I was coming to the Netherlands in August, they invited me to visit with their family and talk about tantra.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">They wanted to grill me about techniques and of course I was curious about tantric sex in a group setting. The result was a very long, chaotic, and fascinating interview. With some help from Kat and Ann, I've extracted a long</span>, highly-edited, and hopefully somewhat coherent transcript.</div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: rgba(0 , 0 , 0 , 0.870588); font-family: "arial" , , sans-serif; line-height: 36px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice </span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: rgba(0 , 0 , 0 , 0.870588); font-family: "arial" , , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 36px; text-align: left;">(American Film Comedy, 1969) </span></div>
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<span style="text-align: right;"><i>Okay, let's start with the obvious: how did you guys meet and become a foursome?</i></span><br />
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<span class="s1"><b>Kat:</b> Bram and I were friends in college, but we didn't really connect until we ran into each other again 8 years later. We'd both had messed up relationships with very low libido partners and we were determined not to do that again. In fact it was sympathizing with each other about our exes that brought us together.</span></div>
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<span class="s1"><b>Bram:</b> We've been together since '03. Kitty was born in '05 and by the time she was two it was obvious that she was having trouble with many things – touch, balance, loud noises, social interaction. We were at wit's end. She had a lot of issues and we knew something was wrong, but no one could give us any clear answers.</span></div>
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<span class="s1"><b>Kat:</b> When she was three and a half, we took her to a research center in England where we </span>finally got a good clear diagnosis. They put us in touch with Ann, who had trained there but worked in Amsterdam. She agreed to help us and that meant not just doing therapy with Kitty, but training us to do it too. So we were working together almost every day.</div>
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<span class="s1"><b>Bram:</b> And we hit it off really well. Kitty adored Ann, we loved her, she became part of the family. Therapy was a long process, but we could see what a difference it made. And it got to be much more than just a professional relationship, a really deep friendship. Between therapy sessions we talked about work, philosophy, sex, music, politics, who she was dating, how it was going, and all that. It was just a friendship at that point, but a very close one.</span></div>
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</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><b>Ann:</b> What Bram didn't mention is their cooking. They both love to cook, and they would ply me with the most wonderful food! I'm not much of a cook and I hate cooking for one, so when this escalated from delicious snacks to exotic lunches, and then to magnificent dinners, I was helpless to resist!</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><b>Kat:</b> It was so! We were so grateful to her for helping with Kitty, and for being a friend, and we express love through food!</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><b>Bram:</b> And I think love is just the right word. Not in a romantic way at that time, but all three of us fell in love with her during those first few years.</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><b>Ann:</b> So here I was, a single girl away from home, and these mad, wonderful people took me into their hearts and their home and fed me ambrosia. And Kitty is a love. Even with all the problems she had, she had so much courage and determination! And once she saw we were making progress, she was fierce about her loyalties. I was her hero, and being a little girl's hero is hard to resist. But Kitty is <i>my</i> hero, too. She's an amazing person.</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">Meanwhile, I went through some messy romantic stuff. I had a girlfriend for a while, a girl from Romania who was exciting to be with, but she had some serious sexual problems and she just couldn't accept a no from me. She got more and more kinky and into pain, and I just wasn't into that.</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">Finally I broke up with her and started dating a really cute English guy, and she completely flipped! I told her I was bi when we first met, but at the end she couldn't accept being replaced by a guy. So it got ugly. Plus the new boyfriend turned out badly, so that was a mess too. And of course Bram and Kat were feeding me good food and sympathy as all of this went on!</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><b>Gunter:</b> Tell her about the massages.</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><i><br />
</i><b>Ann:</b> It's one of the tools we use for pediatric therapy. Some kids with SPD need lots and lots of experience with touch, stroking their heads and bodies with hands and with fur and cloth and brushes, with all sorts of different textures. It helps them gradually learn to localize touch and figure out where their limbs are.</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">When I started working with Kitty, I would tell her to close her eyes. Then I would touch her arms or legs or chest and ask her to point to the spot I had touched. And she couldn't even come close. She felt it, but she had no idea where it was.</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">Massage also helps many kids who are hypersensitive become calmer and more relaxed, and Kitty fit this category too. So I started out teaching Kat and Bram how to do it, using a mat on the floor. Then Bram built a nice padded table so he could do it standing up and, well, it spread from there!</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><b>Kat:</b> Yes it did. We were really stressed for a lot of reasons, and we could see how much good it did for Kitty, so Bram and I started giving each other massages too. N</span>aturally that also became part of sex for us. So we were playing around and learning more about massage as a way to cope with stress and keep ourselves sane. Having a 'special needs child' tears a lot of couples apart. I think it made us closer, and that's one way we stayed glued together.</div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">So that's all it was for several years until Ann's love life fell apart the second time.</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><b>Ann:</b> I had such a huge crush on that guy and he turned out to be such a bastard! And having two relationships go bad like that, one after the other, was just too much. I got depressed and was moaning to Ann and Bram about it over dinner. As we finished dinner they suggested I needed a massage that day just as much as Kitty ever did.</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">So I lay on the table in just my undies and all three of them started to work me over, Bram and Kat on either side and 6-year-old Kitty stroking my hair and patting my head in the sweetest way. It was heavenly! It was just what I needed to feel human again. And after Kitty went to bed, it seemed the most natural thing to swap places and give Kat and Bram their turns on table.</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">So, gradually, we got into a pattern of exchanging back rubs and massages quite often when I came for dinner.</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><i>So how did Gunter get involved?</i></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><i><br />
</i><b>Gunter:</b> Oh, I was the boy next door! <i>[Laughter]</i></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><b>Kat:</b> He was, literally. As you saw, this is a duplex, and Gunter moved into the other unit about the same time that Ann was breaking up with Dracula's Sister and starting to date the Slimy Limey [her English boyfriend]. We got to know him after a while, and Kitty liked him a lot. He was very patient with her and built legos with her, which became her favorite thing. So Ann met him at dinner sometimes.</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><b>Gunter:</b> Kitty was our matchmaker. She disapproved of Ann's boyfriend, because he made Ann unhappy. Kitty's a smart girl. She thought her two favorite non-parent grownups should be together, just like her parents, and that would make us all happy.</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><b>Kat:</b> Well, she was right, wasn't she?</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><b>Gunter:</b> Of course she was. I said she was smart!</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><b>Ann:</b> What Gunter means is that he had cleverly positioned himself to catch me on the rebound when the Limey turned out to be slimy. I wallowed in my misery for a couple of months, and about the time I got over that, who was always there when I stayed for dinner? Who did Kitty tell me all about during therapy? How handsome he is and how he'd be perfect for me?</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">We got to be good friends, and I must say it was refreshing to get involved with someone sane for a change! And things took their course naturally from there. Honestly, it just felt right, almost preordained. What could be more natural than to fall in love with the handsome gent who lived next door to my best friends?</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">So I moved in with Gunter in, let's see, I guess it was March of 2010, and mostly we motored along like that for a time. Gunter and I figured out where all the bits should go and we were all wrapped up in each other like new lovers should be.</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">But we were also eating dinner here at least half the time, and Kitty spent almost as much time on our side of the house as she did on this side. She and Gunter had graduated from Legos to "Lego Logo," a programming language for kids. He was teaching her to program and she was soaking it up and loving it.</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">So we got into a pattern with the massage table. If Gunter was working with Kitty after dinner on the other side, Kat and I might offer to give Bram a back rub over here, or Bram and Kat would give me one. If I was working with Kitty, the men would give Kat a rub. And so on. So there were a lot of 4-handed massages given all around and we all got very comfortable with each other.</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><i>How did you get involved in tantra?</i></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><i><br />
</i><b>Kat:</b> It started for us with sex massages. When Bram and I first got together it seemed like there was never enough time, and of course it got worse after the baby came. But we both have the healthy libido and we learned that too many quickies just makes me irritable. So we tried to make time for sex with lots of foreplay whenever we could.</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">And when Bram built the table and we started to use it for ourselves, he figured out right away that it wasn't just good for stress. He got good at making me cum over and over again, which was a new thing for me.</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><b>Bram:</b> I think she took it as a challenge, because she started trying to find ways to make my table-time as good as hers, which is how we got into edging and delayed orgasms. This was a good thing! I approved! It made pretty good sex much better!</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">And then with the others in the picture, there were suddenly all these extra hands, and lots of teasing both ways. So Gunter and I might give a massage to Ann in the evening, leaving me all worked up, and then I'd end up in bed with Kat as soon as we put Kitty to bed and said goodnight. Or the girls might give me one, and that would be just as bad, because they are wicked teases!</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><b>Ann:</b> And of course it was contagious for us too. I'd help Kat give </span>Bram <span class="s1">a massage and get so horny that I'd be ready to drag </span>Gunter into bed and go nuts as soon as I got back to our side. Plus, we were all comparing notes and egging each other on. And gradually the four-handed massages went a little bit further, and then a teeny bit more.</div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">One day Kat asked Bram to show Gunter how he did a breast massage and Bram demonstrated on Kat, and then had Gunter duplicate his motions. Just to be sure, they did it again the next time they were both working on me. Well, that opened the door a crack. Then Kat and I started including serious butt massages when we were working on the guys. And pretty soon the knickers were gone and nobody much noticed.</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><b>Kat:</b> Bram and I did have a serious talk about how far we wanted to go with this. Both of us had escaped from almost sexless relationships before. And we had always said we were okay with opening up our relationship someday if it seemed necessary because of changes in libido. But we still did some cautious exploration, like... <i>If</i> they want to share with us, is that something you would like?</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">But once I was sure this was what Bram wanted, I asked Ann if the increase in intimacy was making them uncomfortable and if we needed to draw a line somewhere. And she said that if it bothered <i>us</i> we should all back off, but that she was fine with it. Then she had a talk with Gunter, who was going mad with frustration from all the teasing and wanted to go ahead if Ann did.</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><b>Ann:</b> I was as hot to share as he was, so Kat and I put our heads together and decided to ambush Bram while Gunter was with Kitty in the other half of the house. We locked the door and gave Bram our sexiest 4-handed back, butt, and leg massage, with Kat doing some cock teasing between his legs. Then we told him to roll over, which was new.</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">He did, eyes wide, not sure what was going on. He was very hard and Kat and I went to work, first rubbing his chest and thighs, then rubbing his cock and balls, and then trading licks. Then Kat announced that she was going to go check on Gunter and Kitty and told us to have fun!</span> <i>[Laughter]</i></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">Well, you can figure out the permutations from there. We took some time getting used to our new partners one-to-one in bed before we graduated to serious two-to-one on the massage table. Bram and Gunter are both wonderful lovers, but different, and it took a while to get the little quirks sorted out – what they especially like, how we fit together, and such. I'm so much shorter than Kat that both guys had to make some adjustments. Things like that.</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><b>Kat:</b> Of course it is much easier to figure out a new partner's secret wishes if you can compare notes with someone else who knows just what he likes! And during a massage you can just demonstrate for the other person.</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><i>I'm hearing that you did four-handed massages, but not threesomes or foursomes in bed. Is that right?</i></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><i><br />
</i><b>Bram: </b>That's right, especially at the beginning. I'm not really sure why we waited. Maybe it was a sense that the geometry might get awkward, and we didn't want to risk it?</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><b>Ann:</b> I think that was it, but also because we had this whole 'straight male' question that we'd never talked about, with two straight guys in the same bed. If they are standing on opposite sides of a table, there's no awkward contact with private parts. But with three or four people squirming around in bed it's a different story. It's the same for two women, except in that case, everyone knew I liked women, but we all acted like we were afraid to talk about it.</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><i>So how did you resolve it?</i></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><b>Kat: </b> It started with me. I'd always thought I was straight, and maybe a little bi-curious. But I love Ann and I was getting turned on whenever I helped give her a massage or she helped give me one. And it started to bug me that she hadn't tried to get something going, so I started teasing her about it.</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><b>Ann:</b> And I had just been holding back because I knew she was straight and I didn't want to mess anything up by putting pressure on her. But as soon as she signaled some interest, we got some time alone together and made up for lost time!</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">Afterward we found out that the guys had been discussing the situation the whole time, wondering what they could do to encourage us, so everyone was happy when Kat and I made the leap.</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><b>Kat: </b> You know the best thing about it? Aside from some really sexy girl time? It was having Ann teach the rest of us to be a lot better at fingering and cunnilingus. She's amazing! I might have felt awkward being with a woman for the first time, but the first time she went down on me was a revelation. I was in heaven! Now the men are as good as she is, which is oh, so good for both of us!</span> <i>[Laughter]</i></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">It is sad that our men are <i>not</i> bi-sexual, because there are still some three-way experiments we haven't tried, or have tried only once or twice, and the big orgy is an appealing idea, but it just hasn't panned out. Ann and I do sometimes get six-handed massages </span>when all four adults are together and the kids are safely out of the way, which is really rare. But the men do not. And the few times we've all four been together in one bed, either we were still two separate pairs or the girls were in the middle.</div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><b>Gunter: </b> You know, it's not just that we're shy. If any of us really wanted to do something, we'd try it. But most of the MFM and MFMF porn stuff just isn't worth all the complexity.</span><br />
<span class="s1"><br /></span>
<span class="s1">Double penetration? It must take hours and extra helpers to set that up for the cameras! The position is almost impossible to get into, and then the guy on the bottom can't move. And daisy chains fail for the same reason 69s do: its very hard to do a good job of oral sex when someone else is doing a good job on you.</span><br />
<span class="s1"><br /></span>
<span class="s1"><b>Kat:</b> So we've had some three-ways but almost no four-ways. Like when Bram takes Kitty to his mother's house for the day, and Ann and Gunter and I all three take several turns being on the table. We get really hot and there are lots of orgasms for Ann and me. Or Gunter would tell us he had promised to spend the afternoon building a Lego robot with Kitty, and we'd grab </span>Bram and do the same thing with him.</div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><i>How did it affect things when Ann got pregnant?</i></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><b>Ann:</b> Surprisingly little at first. I had an easy pregnancy and I was horny the whole time. Having three lovely people pampering me helped oodles! We had sex into my 9th month and did massage and oral right up until my waters broke.</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">We all did kegels like mad the whole time, too. Kat did them when she was pregnant and she insisted that I do them to help with the birth and recovery. And they all made a point of doing them too, so I wouldn't feel alone. Kat and I also did some other pelvic floor exercises that she learned when she was pregnant with Kitty.</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">Then the baby came, and it is <i>SOOO much easier</i> to be a new mother with three other people around to share the load! Gunter took leave for three months, so he was home during the day, and I never had to manage Gumby alone. I just nursed and napped and they did the rest!</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">Which was a good thing, really, because my hormones cycled all over the place for the first couple of months. If I had had to cope with anything serious like most new mothers do, I'd have fallen apart.</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">In fact I did fall apart, but over nothing. Gunter was such a wonderful dad and partner and Kat and Bram were being so much help, and they were all so good with the baby that I talked myself into a crying jag because I felt so inadequate when I realized they were all three better at changing my son's diaper than I was.</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><i>How did you handle sex in the aftermath?</i></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><b>Ann:</b> Oh, they were wonderful! Everyone got lots of rubs and Kat took up the slack and kept Gunter sane for me.</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><b>Kat:</b> Ha! I had two strong sexy men to myself for two whole months! <i>Such</i> a big sacrifice!</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><b>Ann:</b> But it meant a lot to me, because I would have been pushing myself to give Gunter oral when I really wasn't feeling it. But I wasn't torn up much from the birth. I didn't have any stitches and the doctor cleared me after 8 weeks. And by then I was feeling quite a lot more sparkly and like myself. </span><br />
<span class="s1"><br /></span>
<span class="s1">Of course nursing can be a nuisance. I had a tendency to leak a lot, and to spray whenever I had an orgasm, so I started keeping my nursing bra on even during sex unless someone wanted milk play. But aside from that we got back into our old routine </span>pretty soon.</div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><b>Kat: </b> Except no foursomes after that. One or two of us stayed with Kitty and the baby while the other adults played games. But everyone took turns, so no one missed out. </span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">Having live-in babysitters is good for new mothers and fathers. Bram and I had a <i>lot</i> less sex when Kitty was little!</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><b>Bram:</b> Very </span>true, very true. And even when Kitty was old enough for a nursery, her problems made that too hard. Kat and I did not get much sleep until we found Ann, and sex happened not much for three years. I think this way is better.</div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><b>Gunter:</b> MUCH better! As the young papa, I approve of the new way! <i>Every</i> couple should have partners like Bram and Kat before making babies!</span> <i>[Laughter]</i></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><b>Kat:</b> Ann mades it sound like we did all the work, but being a mother is always hard work. She was also doing therapy for Kitty almost the whole time, after just one month off, and Gunter was teaching Kitty to program and make robots. Everyone helped everyone!</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><i>Not to be one-track-minded, but I think we lost the thread of how you got interested in tantra?</i></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><b>Bram:</b> Right you are! And that is actually timely, because we just got to that point in the story. Ann, you were the one to find Shakti's website, weren't you?</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><b>Ann:</b> That's right. I would sit by my computer while I was nursing and follow all sorts of links down all sorts of rabbit holes. At first, most of it was about babies and nursing and 'new mom' things. But soon I was looking for things related to sex after pregnancy, and then erotic massage. And that landed me on one of your pages.</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">What you were saying made a lot of sense, so I went back to the beginning of your blog, and I realized that we were already doing a lot of the things you described as tantra. So I shared the link and the men read it and got interested, and finally Kat agreed to read it. And actually Kat and Bram were the first ones to start doing it seriously.</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><b>Bram:</b> It was the meditation.</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><b>Ann:</b> Yes. Gunter and I thought we were too busy to spend time on meditation.</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><b>Kat:</b> That is not sensible, of course. If you meditate, you </span>think more efficiently and that <i>saves</i> time. Besides, serenity is very good for babies.</div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><b>Ann:</b> Well, yes, luv, but we didn't know that. It was seeing the benefit for Kitty that changed my mind. She would meditate right along with her mother and father, and it really seemed to help her. I was impressed that an 8-year-old with SPD could sit still and do nothing for that long, and it helped her be a lot calmer and get less anxious and frustrated. </span>Gunter and I wanted to see what it felt like, and that got us into it too.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<span class="s1"><b>Gunter:</b> So we were meditating and also doing things from your blog. And it gradually came together. We started deliberately edging each other much more to make the buildup longer before orgasms. And Kat and Bram were getting good at it, telling us we needed to catch up.</span></div>
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<span class="s1"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><b>Kat:</b> And Bram was working on the dry orgasm too. That motivated Gunter too, I think!</span></div>
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<span class="s1"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><b>Ann:</b> It wasn't just </span>Gunter. It motivated me as well. I still remember the first time Bram did that [had several dry orgasms] when Kat and I were edging him in a lingam massage. It was so thrilling to be able to give a man several orgasms, just like you can give a woman!</div>
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<br /></div>
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<b>Gunter:</b> So then I had to catch up. But it was easier for me with Bram there telling me how he did it.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<b>Kat:</b> And while he was working on that, we started doing whole tantra sessions, but just in couples. We still did four-handed massages, but not if we were going to do yab-yum after and finish with penetration. We couldn't figure out the logistics of three or four people in the same place while we did yab-yum and the finish.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
We are still new to this, and there are so many combinations that it took a long time. But now we have done the whole tantra session enough times with all five pairs to get it sorted. I mean there's Ann and me, and each of us with each of the men, which is five pairs. And we did it enough so it is working for all of our pairs.<br />
<br />
<b>Ann:</b> Once all of us had done tantric sex with <i>one</i> partner successfully, it was much easier to learn to do it with another one, because we both knew what to expect.<br />
<br />
<i>Can you give me some idea of the time line? How long have you been doing tantric sex and when did you start mixing pairs?</i></div>
<div class="p1">
<br />
<b>Bram:</b> Kat and I started meditating and doing other things at the start of 2014, and I think the first time we tried the full tantric sex was March. I think Ann and Gunter were 3 or 4 months behind us.<br />
<br />
<b>Ann:</b> About that. I think our first time going all the way through it was Midsummer's Night, toward the end of June. Kat and Bram had the children and it was a short night.<br />
<br />
<b>Gunter:</b> It was during the World Cup, so June sounds right. The Dutch team won group B that day.<br />
<br />
<b>Ann:</b> I can see what you found most memorable about it! <i>[Laughter] </i>But it wasn't until the following winter that we tried the complete tantric sequence with other partners.<br />
<br />
<b>Bram:</b> That was you and Kat?<br />
<br />
<b>Ann:</b> I think so. After Christmas. You were out and Gunter had the kids. Kat and I were still trying to figure out what girls do with girls at the end of tantra. And we talked about it afterward and we told you we wanted to try trading partners for tantra the following week, after the New Years party.<br />
<br />
Then we started doing that about once a month after that for quite a long time.<br />
<br />
<b>Kat: </b> When did we start exchanging more often?<br />
<br />
Ann: I don't know. Last summer some time. But it wasn't until early this year that we really started to alternate every time.<br />
<br />
<i>Do you do tantra with someone every week?</i><br />
<br />
<b>Kat: </b> Not at first. Bram and I started doing it every other week the first year, because of making time for everyone else. But this year it's been very close to once a week for all of us. In fact for Ann and me it's a little more than that, because we have to steal extra time for tantra with each other so the boys don't feel neglected.<br />
<br />
<b>Ann:</b> So we neglect each other instead. I do tantra with either Gunter or Bram every week, but Kat and I only get one tantra session with each other every month or two. It's so sad. We need a bi liberation movement! We are oppressed by our men and their militant straightness!!! <i>[Laughter]</i><br />
<br />
<i>Do you and Kat feel pressure to spend equal time with each of the men, and vice versa?</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<b>Ann:</b> I don't think it's pressure, exactly. It's more a feeling that keeping it equal prevents any cracks in the foundation. So even if it seems a little unspontaneous, it makes more sense to alternate. Besides, we all like the variety!<br />
<br />
<b>Kat:</b> I think there was a little bit of feeling that doing tantra only with one person created a division. It wasn't that I was having sex with Bram more often than with Gunter, but I was definitely having sex for more <i>hours</i> with Bram, and the connection from tantra is stronger than regular sex, no matter how much fun the other kind is.<br />
<br />
<b>Bram:</b> On the other hand, doing tantra with everyone this year has made us more of a foursome and less like two couples who share. My bond with Ann is stronger now and Kat's bond with Gunter is too. So it has helped equalize things.<br />
<br />
<b>Gunter:</b> Oh, yes. That is very true for me too.<br />
<br /></div>
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<i>In doing tantra with different partners, have you found more </i><i>similarities</i><i>? Or more</i><i> differences</i><i>?</i></div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
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<b>Bram:</b> This is a good question! The basic feeling, the "tantric high," as you called it, is the same. But everything else is different for me in some ways because Kat and Ann are such different people and they are very different in what they need. <br />
<br />
Also, I know Kat for two decades now, so I find it easy to share her body in spirit. Ann is still my "new girl," so I have to think more about what I need to do when I am giving her massage.<br />
<br />
And afterwards, toward the end, it is not so easy to lose myself and feel like I am inhabiting her body and mine too. The power of that feeling is as strong when it happens, but it is not so easy for it to happen so it usually happens later, just near to the end.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<b>Gunter:</b> Wow! Really? Have you ever said this before? That is interesting because I don't think there is a difference in that way for me. The <i>feeling</i> is very different because you are sharing it with a different person, but I don't have to think more or try harder to make it happen and I don't think there's any difference in how long it takes!</div>
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<br /></div>
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<b>Ann:</b> I think my experience is more like Gunter's, at least when I'm with Gunter and Bram. Sharing with them has different ... flavors, maybe? ... feelings, anyway. It's <i>very</i> different! But I don't think it takes more effort to get to that point with either one of them.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<i>However </i>... sharing tantra with Kat is very different from sharing with either Bram or Gunter. I always feel the maleness of their bodies as different from my own, so at the end I'm always aware of feeling like I'm in two bodies at the same time. But with Kat it's more like we just melt together into <i>one</i> body. Does that make any sense?</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<b>Kat:</b> Oh, yes. It does to me. I was wondering how to say that without making the boys feel left out! It is not <i>better</i> with a woman, but it <i>is</i> different. With a man, I feel like I have a cock AND a pussy. With Ann we are all the same so the difference is less. <br />
<br />
But also, we are taking turns almost the whole time, so the focus is more on the feelings of who is receiving. When I am giving, I feel like I am mostly her, still Kat, but mostly in Ann's body, because I am more focused on how my tongue or fingers feel to her. When she is giving, I am mainly in my body even though I feel like I am also being her and giving that body pleasure.</div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
But I also know what Bram means. I have to pay attention much more when I am giving Gunter a lingam massage or sitting yab-yum with him. That is not a bad thing! Paying attention is good! <br />
<br />
But with Bram I can just go into a trance and act on feelings so I can be more lazy in my mind. I don't have to think about what I should do next or whether I need to back off. I just know.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<b>Ann:</b> I wonder how much of that is because of how much longer you two [Kat and Bram] have known each other, and how much is because you were both born here and have the same culture and first language? Are there subtleties of the body language that you "speak" to each other that Gunter and I can't "hear" as well because we are both foreigners? And vice versa?<br />
<br />
<b>Bram:</b> Another good question! I thought it was the time, but maybe it is culture too. It's probably some of both!</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<i>Have you ever tried doing a full tantra session with more than two people?</i></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<b>Kat:</b> Not really. We tried doing it in parallel once, as two couples, doing everything at the same time in the same room, but separately. It was too distracting. Even if I shut my eyes, I couldn't stop hearing what was happening "over there." The others said the same thing. So we didn't try that again. <br />
<br />
<b>Bram:</b> We are still new to this. We hoped you had some better ideas for us to try!</div>
<div class="p1">
<i><br /></i>
<i>Unfortunately, I don't.</i> <i>I'm having a hard time just trying to visualize how everything would fit together <b>physically</b> for some of the possible activities you might want to try with four people!</i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
* * *</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
</div>
We talked for four hours, had a terrific dinner, and talked for a couple of hours more. (Ann is right. Bram and Kat are marvelous cooks!)<br />
<br />
I posted a lot of the conversation because I thought it highlighted the emotional and practical considerations in a four-way sexual relationship really well.<br />
<br />
I have much more from the interview, but this is already too long, so I'm going to reserve the other bits for other posts at a later time. Perhaps by then I will have heard from other people doing tantra in open or polyamorous relationships, or in committed relationships with more than one partner, and they can offer us new perspectives.</div>
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<br /></div>
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So I'm signing off for now, with big thanks to my four wonderful hosts!</div>
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<br />Shakti Amaranthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16204671934660827381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7299662952978736845.post-41675029411875351382016-09-29T01:31:00.002-07:002020-04-06T23:53:15.744-07:00How Women Can Become (More) OrgasmicThis post started life with a plea for help from Jim, a man whose partner is frustrated because she hardly ever has orgasms during sex, in spite of a lot of stimulation. She is in her early 20s, has only tried to masturbate a few times, and has had only a handful of orgasms in the two years that she has been sexually active. <br />
<br />
I've researched this topic a number of times over the years and have accumulated a long list of links to good resources, so I decided to share the best ones with him, and now with you.<br />
<br />
This was my response:<br />
<br />
Dear Jim,<br />
<br />
Most people don't realize it, but an orgasm is something women have to learn to do. Or, really, it's something our nervous systems have to learn to do. Some girls are lucky and start masturbating when they're little, but a LOT of us start later and have to catch up. Because, as Drs. Julia Heiman and Joseph Lopiccolo pointed out 40 years ago in their groundbreaking book, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0130727113" target="_blank">Becoming Orgasmic</a>, "the more orgasms a woman has had, the easier it is to have more."<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
<i>The key to having orgasms more easily is having more orgasms.</i> In other words, lots of practice. Your partner can help the process along by using a vibrator or a pulsating shower head to get several solo orgasms whenever she has a chance. And you can help by using your fingers, mouth, and tongue, and/or a vibrator to give her multiple orgasms before you start "normal" vaginal sex. <br />
<br />
You can also incorporate a vibrator into vaginal sex. For example, either of you can hold it against her vulva and clit with one hand in doggy or cowgirl.<br />
<br />
Aside from sheer experience, the next most important part of becoming more reliably orgasmic is reducing stress. As a starting point, I recommend reading <a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2015/07/tantric-sex-as-therapy-iii-stress-and.html" target="_blank">Stress and Arousal</a>:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
A lot of us live high stress lives, and for most of us it doesn't take much tension to put on the brakes. If that's the case for you or your partner, then getting in the mood for sex isn't primarily about more romance and better foreplay. It's about reducing the stress and blocking out the distractions that are slamming on the brakes. </blockquote>
As Dr. Emily Nagoski says,<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
If you’re the partner and want to generate desire, use your knowledge of her as an individual both to turn on the “ons” and turn off the “offs”: what makes her feel cared for, safe, affectionate, stress-free, sexy, and beautiful?</blockquote>
Dr. Nagoski's book (see the list below) can also be very helpful, especially for ways to deal with "<a href="https://www.thedirtynormal.com/post/2015/01/12/it-like-totally-worked-orgasm-advice-that-is/" target="_blank">spectatoring</a>" – thinking and worrying about what's going on during sex, particularly worrying about orgasms, which interferes with actually <i>having</i> them. Ironically, learning to be and feel in the present, and to enjoy the sensual pleasures of <i>having</i> sex while forgetting about orgasms entirely, can be crucial to becoming more orgasmic.<br />
<br />
If your partner is a worrier or if she is dealing with a lot of tension, she can also benefit a great deal from learning two stress reduction techniques: <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Progressive_muscle_relaxation" target="_blank">Progressive muscle relaxation</a> is simple – learn to clench and then relax major muscle groups in sequence. <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/shortcuts/2014/jan/07/mindfulness-beginners-guide-meditation-technique-treatment-depression" target="_blank">Meditation</a> takes a bit longer to do, but it is also <a href="https://youtu.be/Ni2Mxk0YAY0" target="_blank">easy to learn</a> and it is even more valuable. Many people have found <a href="https://www.dartmouth.edu/~healthed/relax/downloads.html" target="_blank">these audio guides from Dartmouth College's website</a> to be helpful with both meditation and PMR.<br />
<br />
But if you <i>really</i> want to help your partner with this, the very best thing you can do is to learn the art of <a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2013/10/giving-yoni-massage.html" target="_blank">tantric massage</a>. Forget all the spiritual stuff people are always trying to palm off as essential to tantric sex. At the core, tantric sex is a straightforward set of techniques that promote deep relaxation, extended arousal, and more intense orgasms.<br />
<br />
To do either tantric massage or the kind of therapy outlined in <i>Becoming Orgasmic</i>, you really need a comfortable massage table. Amazon usually has a good selection of <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Portable-featured-economical-available-anywhere/dp/B00K0OW60I/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">folding massage tables</a> for under $90. <br />
<br />
For more ideas, these are the best resources I've found for helping women become more orgasmic:<br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/wiki/index#wiki_orgasm_troubles" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Orgasm Troubles</a> – the Reddit r/sex FAQ<br />
<br />
<a href="http://dodsonandross.com/" target="_blank">Dodson and Ross</a> – Dr. Betty Dodson is over 80 and has been teaching women to have orgasms, and better orgasms, for 40+ years. The last time I looked, her website had 267 posts under <a href="http://dodsonandross.com/topic/how-orgasm" target="_blank">How to Orgasm</a> and 132 under <a href="http://dodsonandross.com/topic/how-enhance-your-orgasms" target="_blank">How to Enhance Your Orgasms</a>. I suggest starting here: <a href="http://dodsonandross.com/blogs/betty-dodson/2011/12/awakening-clitoris" target="_blank">Awakening the Clitoris</a> and then checking out whatever looks interesting in those two categories.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2014/06/mailbag-4-first-orgasms-and-how-women.html" target="_blank">First Orgasms, and How Women Vary</a> – short, fun, and inspirational.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2015/05/becoming-orgasmic-tantra-as-therapy.html" target="_blank">Becoming Orgasmic</a> - a review and commentary on the next item.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0130727113" target="_blank">Becoming Orgasmic: A Sexual and Personal Growth Program for Women</a>, by Julia Heiman and Joseph Lopiccolo - the bible for pre-orgasmic women.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20151213001035/http://www.the-clitoris.com/how_to_have_female_orgasms" target="_blank">A Guide to Having Orgasms - Information for Pre-Orgasmic Women</a> – this is an archived article, so you will need to use The Wayback Machine if you want to access the other articles in the sidebar.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090/" target="_blank">Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life</a> by Dr. Emily Nagoski – the best overall guide to understanding women's sexuality.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.thedirtynormal.com/post/2014/06/22/the-dual-control-model/" target="_blank">The "dual control model" of arousal and desire</a> – a cool cartoon presentation by Dr. Nagoski about the accelerator and the brakes.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260" target="_blank">She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman</a>, by Ian Kerner – the best book for men who care about satisfying women.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/p/better-sex-101_21.html" target="_blank">Better Sex 101</a> – an intro to both anatomy and functionality, double-checking to be sure you know the basics.<br />
<br />
Finally, many women who are still having trouble with orgasms need a lot of stimulation, at least at the start, so it helps to have a good, strong vibrator to practice with. I prefer ball-headed vibrators like the Magic Wand or the Mystic Wand, but <a href="http://www.goodvibes.com/content.jhtml?id=Vibrator-Intensity-Chart" target="_blank">there are many good choices</a>.<br />
<br />
Good luck to both of you!Shakti Amaranthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16204671934660827381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7299662952978736845.post-79888731763938072262016-06-30T23:18:00.000-07:002016-07-06T23:19:08.442-07:00Sex and the Evolution of PleasureWhy does sex feel good? Not from an anatomical point of view, but from an evolutionary point of view. Is it to create an incentive to reproduce?<br />
<br />
This is a surprisingly complicated question. The simple answer you'll hear from almost everyone is that if it didn't feel good to your ancestors, they wouldn't have had sex and you wouldn't be here. But is that true?<br />
<br />
I don't think so.<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
For a very long time, large parts of philosophy and psychology were dominated by a one-dimensional pleasure-pain model, the idea that we do things solely because, at some level, they give us pleasure or let us avoid pain. Although it sounds perfectly plausible, it becomes a tautology. If we do something that looks unpleasant, it must be because, somehow, in some deep recess of our minds, we must indirectly find it pleasurable or find not doing it even more painful. If we avoid a pleasure, it must be because in some indirect way we perceive avoidance as leading to greater pleasure or preventing greater pain.<br />
<br />
The holes in this model are huge.<br />
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In the first place, study after study has shown people acting in ways in which pleasure and pain do not appear to be opposite ends of a single continuum. Pleasure does not appear to equal negative pain any more than pain equals negative pleasure. Instead, our choices reveal deeply non-transitive preferences, in which odd mixtures of pleasure and pain, and of gain and loss, win out when they shouldn't in any simple arithmetical sense.<br />
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This is part of why the old classical models in economics and political science have taken such a beating recently. Both were built around theories based on strictly linear preference functions, whether called "utility" or "value" or something else, and both assumed that it was irrational to prefer C>A if you prefer A>B and B>C. <br />
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Unfortunately, the real world abounds in scissors-paper-rock intransitivities and even weirder situations where the right amount of pain is good and too much pleasure is bad.<br />
<br />
<h3>
Motivation: Pleasure/pain? or compulsion?</h3>
In the second place, biology and psychology have provided us with a wealth of examples where motivation seems to be completely unrelated to either pleasure <i>or</i> pain. Observe someone with OCD washing his hands for the 20th time. Ask him if it is pleasurable, and he'll deny it adamantly. He hates it, he hates not being able to stop it, and he gets no pleasure from the action. Ask him if he feels pain when he resists the compulsion, and again he will say no. <br />
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The sense of compulsion may be extremely hard to resist, but it does not feel at all like holding a hand over an open flame. Resisting the compulsion takes <i>effort</i>, and giving in feels like yielding to exhaustion, not pain.<br />
<br />
As we accumulate information about neurotransmitters and circuitry in the brain, we are piecing together a very different, more complicated picture of motivation. Watch this 5 minute snippet from Robert Sapolsky's lecture on dopamine:<br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=axrywDP9Ii0" target="_blank">Dopamine Jackpot! Sapolsky on the Science of Pleasure</a><br />
<br />
Consider a long-term compulsive gambler pulling the arm of a slot machine over and over to the point of collapse. You would think that there would be a certain amount of pleasure involved on the rare occasions when she wins, but no, she mostly just looks tired and blank as she scoops the cascade of coins into her bucket so she can feed them back into the machine. It's not winning anymore, it's just a random event that is part of the process of feeding the compulsion.<br />
<br />
What's happening is a person being subjected to a carefully calibrated process of manipulating dopamine, which, as Sapolsky describes so clearly, spikes before (often long before) any reward occurs. In fact, dopamine also spikes in the same way when you play a game that <i>punishes</i> you when you lose and does nothing when you win, so it has nothing necessarily to do with pleasure. It goes up a bit at the moment when you think you understand what's going on, but it <i>really</i> spikes with uncertainty, and that's what makes gambling so hard to resist.<br />
<br />
And dopamine is the real motivator. Block the dopamine and you block purposeful behavior. People still <i>enjoy</i> things that are pleasurable, but with dopamine blocked they won't create a plan or perform actions to receive them. Furthermore, dopamine peaks get smaller as control and predictability go up, so predictable pleasures become less motivating and predictable pain becomes less aversive, creating one big element of intransitivity.<br />
<br />
The converse is also true. Increase the dopamine level and you dramatically increase compulsive behavior. Parkinson's patients need L-dopa, a dopamine analog, to treat their disease and restore normal function. But many Parkinson's patients are forced to do without it because when they take it, they become compulsive gamblers, and their gambling wrecks their lives, their families, and their finances. Take away the drug and the Parkinson's symptoms return, but the gambling compulsion stops. Ask if the gambling was fun and they ask you if you're crazy. They <i>hated</i> it!<br />
<br />
<h3>
Deep compulsions aren't fun</h3>
The picture that emerges is one in which pleasure and pain both signal that something is important and should be the focus of your attention while you <i>figure out</i> what is causing each one. Getting more of the good or less of the bad is clearly a motivation, but it may be a very weak motivation compared with the drive to understand <i>why</i> the good or bad thing happened and how to control it.<br />
<br />
We often prod and poke and risk the repeat of unpleasant or even painful stimuli in our need to understand what happened and why, and even if we feel a little bit of satisfaction when we succeed, it is often not at all comparable to the pain or discomfort we experienced. Yet we persist, like the gambler, to try to pin down and coerce the unknown.<br />
<br />
Doing things under compulsion isn't fun and, from an evolutionary point of view, things don't <i>need</i> to be fun if biology is going to compel us to do them anyway. Watch a female cat while she mates. There is no way that process appears to be anything but painful and unpleasant. As she goes into heat, she screams and howls and acts like she's in great distress. She snarls and spits at her suitors when they appear. She finally submits and is mounted, and then she screams in real pain as the spines on the tom's penis rip her vagina as he pulls out. You know your cat well. You know when she's happy, angry, curious, fearful, upset. <i>THIS IS NOT WHAT PLEASURE LOOKS LIKE.</i><br />
<br />
In short, many things besides pain and pleasure are involved in our fundamental motivations. Reproduction is a drive in and of itself. Sex does not have to be fun for an organism to be motivated, even driven, to have sex. Hormones are perfectly capable of driving behavior, and they do not need to be mediated by sensations of pleasure or pain.<br />
<br />
<h3>
So why is human sex pleasurable? <br />For that matter, why is <i>anything</i> pleasurable?</h3>
Pain is relatively straightforward. It's an aversive signal and an attention-grabber, and that's true for all species complex enough to feel what we would call pain. Pleasure is a different story and the capacity for pleasure seems to vary much more widely from species to species.<br />
<br />
I think, from an evolutionary point of view, that pleasure is like money: an accounting system that allows us much greater flexibility in our behavior. Things that are enjoyable can be sorted and weighed and balanced against each other. Pleasure lets us plan and trade, more of this, less of that, or maybe give up all of these in exchange for a whole lot of some other thing. It gives us a common currency for deciding whether to trade a toy for social approbation, or deciding whether to refrain from eating one marshmallow now in order to have two marshmallows in 15 minutes.<br />
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And here's the point of this long-winded excursion: <b> <i>pleasure is evolution's motivation for doing things that are generally beneficial but situationally optional.</i> </b><br />
<br />
If something is a fundamental non-negotiable demand, evolution will equip a species with an unmistakable drive. If it's <i>usually</i> a good thing, but not always, it's likely to be fun. <i>We get pleasure from satisfying inclinations, not from complying with compulsions.</i> As a general rule, if you can't say no, saying yes isn't fun. It's just something you have to do.<br />
<br />
The crucial thing is that we can maximize pleasure in a variety of ways. We have choices. We can also adapt and personalize our ways of finding pleasure, allowing much more individual variation, which is important in a highly cooperative species where we need individuals to take on a wide variety of roles.<br />
<br />
Furthermore, the non-mandatory nature of pleasure lets us adapt and survive in situations where pleasure is scarce. If we are raised in a very Puritanical culture, in which even the appearance of pleasure-seeking is punished, we can survive with very little pleasure in our lives. Pleasure means that something is usually a good thing, but that it's not absolutely essential.<br />
<br />
<h3>
So why is sex pleasurable for humans, but not for cats? </h3>
If the preceding argument is correct, the answer should be obvious: sex is solely about reproduction for cats. From an evolutionary point of view, it's mandatory, so it doesn't have to be fun. But sex for humans is about a tremendous amount of other stuff besides reproduction. 99% of the time it's <i>only</i> about social interaction and pair-bonding, because the female isn't even fertile. <br />
<br />
And since humans live in very complex social systems, with wildly varying customs, the rules about when to have sex and with whom are much too complex to be left to a blind drive. So sex is fun, because A) we need to be strongly motivated to have sex to establish and maintain bonds between individuals, but B) it has to be optional, because doing it at the wrong time in the wrong place or with the wrong person can be destructive of the same social bonds.<br />
<br />
We still have an underlying drive to reproduce, but it is channelled and controlled by our oversized forebrain. Although you get hints of the latent strength of this drive when alcohol or drugs diminish the forebrain's control, you only see it clearly when a person has severe damage to the areas of the brain involved in damping it, and as a result the person has to be physically restrained from trying to have sex with any available target.<br />
<br />
But in healthy individuals, the underlying sex drive usually expresses itself in a drive to find partners to mate with within acceptable rules. Furthermore, the pleasure that happens during the initial matings can be quite limited without diminishing the urge, because pleasure is not the primary motivation. It's just a bonus.<br />
<br />
Pleasure really only becomes an <i>important</i> motivation once access to sex is secure. If you can have sex whenever you want, why bother? Because it's fun - or at least it <i>can</i> be. But it's optional. Working late, got to get up early to go fishing? No sex. Nothing better to do? Let's get it on!<br />
<br />
If it's not fun for both parties, it tends to dwindle to the level of the basic drive, which is greatly weakened by familiarity - the famous <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coolidge_effect" target="_blank">Coolidge effect</a>.<br />
<br />
In this sense, the human capacity for enjoyment of sex is the flipside of covert ovulation. Both occurred to keep males strongly attached to females by making sex frequent and enjoyable, but optional, instead of rare and mandatory. <br />
<br />
Under the right circumstances, both cuddling and slow, sustained sex are powerful triggers for the release of oxytocin, the pair-bonding chemical, so at the neurochemical level having good sex helps set up the bond and helps maintain it. If men didn't enjoy sex, they wouldn't have it enough to sustain the bond, so they wouldn't hang around and help with the kids. And if women didn't enjoy it, they wouldn't offer it to the males enough to keep them happy and to sustain the bond.<br />
<br />
<h3>
Why smart, social species have more fun</h3>
Solitary species are mostly compelled by biological drives. Optional pleasures play a smaller role and are often pretty much confined to childhood and parenting, the most social parts of their lifecycle. <br />
<br />
Social species, on the other hand, have a wider mix of biological drives and pleasure rewards, because they need the flexibility to change behavior and roles as needed to fit into a group that changes over time. Intelligent species need even more flexibility to allow for learning and culture, so biological drives need to be subordinated and pleasure becomes much more important as a reward system.<br />
<br />
Humans, as the smartest and most social mammals, need flexibility the most. As a consequence, we have less specific and more indirect innate drives than any other species, so pleasure is more important for us as a currency for choosing mixed goals and optimizing our behavior in widely differing environments. Thus, in a sense, the evolutionary reason we have so much capacity for pure enjoyment in so many things, not just sex, is that it necessarily goes along with being smart and social.<br />
<br />
Note that dolphins are a close second in terms of intelligence and sociability, and they are also famous for appearing to do many things (including sex and masturbation) just for fun. Also, pleasure and fun play a much bigger role for most species during childhood, when learning and flexibility are more important.<br />
<br />
On the other hand, intelligence, sociality, and the need for flexibility don't mean that pleasure and pain are the whole story for humans, or even the biggest part of the story behind motivation. We still have powerful drives that can override both pleasure and pain, as addictive and compulsive behavior clearly demonstrates.Shakti Amaranthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16204671934660827381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7299662952978736845.post-41843026187408004912016-05-31T23:12:00.001-07:002021-11-02T00:59:52.226-07:00Video tutorials for massage and oral techniquesOne of the most common requests I get is for video tutorials, and I've been accumulating notes for a couple of years about videos that will help newcomers. It has gone slowly because I don't really have time to scan a lot of videos and because there is so much bad stuff out there, which I find a turn-off.<br />
<br />
However, <a href="https://www.pornhub.com/playlist/40851922" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">a set of amateur videos</a> by a couple of friends has inspired me to put something together for you. One problem is that many of the videos are only <i>reliably</i> found on pay-sites, even though they are also frequently available on free porn-sites. So rather than provide you with links that are highly perishable or lead only to a paywall, I will instead give a title and length for each one and leave it up to you to search for them.<br />
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However, two pay-sites are worth special mention:<br />
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<h3>
Hegre-Art</h3>
<br />
Hegre-Art has <a href="https://www.hegre.com/movies?category=massage" target="_blank">a large collection of massage videos</a> and <a href="http://www.hegre-art.com/tantra" target="_blank">a small collection of videos that are specifically about tantric sex</a>. As is often the case with online materials, the tantra videos try to hit a balance between a quasi-spiritual approach to tantric sex and a purely secular one. You may find the music a bit hokey or irritating, but fortunately there is no narration.<br />
<br />
The other videos range from relatively mild, but explicit, massage videos to frankly pornographic ones. The massage techniques also vary a lot in type and quality, including some that are so bad they are more useful as a guide to what NOT to do.<br />
<br />
The biggest advantages to the Hegre videos are their length and the quality of the photography. They are usually at least 25 minutes to an hour, compared with many free porn videos that are 5-15 minutes. And the lighting and photography are always first-rate.<br />
<br />
The biggest disadvantages are the erratic techniques and the preference for men with freakishly large penises. Many of the massage givers in the earlier videos were locally hired at resort hotels around the world, and the genital massage techniques, in particular, can be primitive. And no technique demonstrated on a 9" penis is going to be easy to transfer to a normal 4-6" penis.<br />
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The women also tend to be quite flexible and model-thin, with skinny legs and bony hips. This actually helps you see the techniques better by allowing the camera access for closeups of what is going on. However, it also creates an unrealistic impression of yoni massage techniques because of how much open "workspace" there is between their legs.<br />
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Just keep in mind as you watch them that you won't have as much room to maneuver and it can be harder to see what you're doing if you're with a curvier woman with normal legs, butt, and belly, and more padding in the vulva area.<br />
<br />
Finally, until around 2016 the Hegre-Arts tantra videos and massage videos did not include any oral, which is quite unrealistic. As you watch the earlier videos, look for places where mixing in some licks, nibbles, mouth caresses, and judicious suction would have provided variety and improved the experience.<br />
<br />
The subscription price is $30-40/month or $150/year. Alternatively, the Hegre massage videos are often available on sites like PornHub and Xhamster if you look for them.<br />
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<h3>
The New School of Erotic Touch/Orgasmic Yoga Institute</h3>
<div>
<br />
These two organizations share a structure and a home. Subscribing to either one gets you access to both sites for $39/month or $99/3 months + $10/month thereafter. You can download as much as you want, so you can theoretically sign up for just one month and download all their videos.</div>
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Between the two sites, there are hundreds of video tutorials related to tantric sex, massage, and just about every sexual topic you can think of. Most (all?) include narration. In general, the photographic quality is much less professional than with Hegre. <br />
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Narration quality varies quite a lot as well. Some of it is pretty bad, and some of the topics are New Age junk, but the good ones I saw had excellent tips for massage, oral, fingering, masturbation, and other topics. </div>
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If you want to subscribe to <a href="http://refer.ccbill.com/cgi-bin/clicks.cgi?CA=931235-0000&PA=%202517028&HTML=http://www.eroticmassage.com/" target="_blank">The New School, this link</a> will kick back a few dollars that I can apply to reviewing videos from the site. If you prefer not to do that, you can go directly to http://www.eroticmassage.com. (The cost to you is the same either way.)</div>
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<h3>
Videos you may be able to find on the web</h3>
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<i><br /></i>
<i>Tantric Massage (narrated in English)</i><br />
Source: ErosExotica.com<br />
Time: 59:58; MF<br />
Slim, pretty Indian girl and an attractive white man; this may be a cut down version of a longer video. It includes massage in a pool and on a mat, yoni massage, some lingam massage, yab-yum, and maithuna. The hokey narration repeats a number of common errors on the history of tantra, what it means, etc. You can mostly ignore it.<br />
<br />
<i>Tantric Massage (narrated in German)</i><br />
Source unknown and there's no title screen, so the title may vary<br />
Time: 84:27; MF/FM<br />
This has two couples giving two separate massages, a yoni massage with the first couple and a lingam massage with the second. It's a good basic intro even if you don't speak German.<br />
<br />
<b>For partners of women:</b><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>How to Eat Pussy Like a Champ, with Nina Hartley</i><br />
Source: seductionreview.com (?)</div>
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Time: 22:36; FF</div>
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A classic, available in multiple lengths and packages. In spite of the title, there's an excellent <i>pussy/clit massage</i> tutorial from 3:30. The oral part begins at 13:30 in this version.<br />
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<i>Countless Orgasms</i> (Clover on white GYN chair)<br />
Source: Hegre-Art<br />
Time: 53:07; FF - labial outie<br />
Good 2-hand labia/vulva/vaginal/anal massage ~8-16m; anal oil injector ~11m; flip@29m; several combo orgasms; good breast detail ~30-31; more good gradual vulva/clit intro ~33m; extended 2-handed clit/g-spot /anal stim and O's.<br />
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<i>Girl Girl Massage with Engelie & Kiki</i><br />
Source: Hegre-Art.com<br />
Time: 37:15; FF - slight labial outie<br />
Full-body sensual massage; 12min on back, bolster under hips; good slow prelim labia work; 5min kneeling position; good slow massage; excellent vulva massage closeups; several times she uses one hand on vulva, the other massaging back of neck, an interesting combo. The video stops in the middle & cuts to a shower scene >34min. Very good example of non-orgasm-focused sensual and yoni massage. Possibly continued elsewhere, but I didn't find a Part 2.<br />
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<i>Explosive Orgasmic Massage (Basia Massages Dominika)</i><br />
Source: Hegre-Art.com<br />
Time: 15:51; FF – major labial outie<br />
Subject has very long, thick labia minora (makes me jealous!); there's some poor technique, including a lot of straight fingerfucking that I don't recommend, but it is notable for the closeups of massaging and working with large labial lips.<br />
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<b>For partners of men:</b><br />
<br />
<i>Mind-Blowing Boner Massage</i><br />
Source: Hegre-Art.com<br />
Time: 35:25; FM, porndick<br />
Probably the best complete lingam massage video; good body massage; facedown: good hand technique w/ rear-facing penis; kneeling position @9:15 w/ excellent massage of perineum, penile root, penis, and balls. Flipover @15min; again, excellent technique throughout, but she stops the massage as soon as he comes. Most men prefer it if you continue longer, perhaps in gentler way.<br />
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<i>Cybele H</i><i>andjob - Slow Massage and Twice Cum</i><br />
Source: Handjob Paradise<br />
Time: 28:27; FM<br />
A classic handjob video; excellent technique with both hands, a lot of variety, and a strong finish that produces an aftershock (a 2nd orgasm) about 90 seconds after the first. Watch it at least twice and keep an eye on her off hand the second time.</div>
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<a href="https://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ph583b59fba1c66&pkey=40851922" rel="nofollow" target="_blank"><i>Hand Job Techniques - Prequel 1</i></a><br />
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Time: 9:04; FM<br />
Source: VoyeurOfBliss*<br />
Excellent minimalist lingam technique; <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/sexover30/comments/4gs836/oc_handjob_techniques_video_feedback_thread_and/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">there's a directory here</a>, giving a nickname and time tick for each technique. Amateur video with some choppiness, but very good lighting and photography and attractive subjects.<br />
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(*There's now a collection of these videos on Pornhub. You can check out <a href="https://www.pornhub.com/playlist/40851922" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">the whole series here.</a>)</div>
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<i>The Art of Penis Pleasuring</i><br />
Source: Hegre-Art.com<br />
Time: 29:16; FM, ~8-9" uncut penis<br />
Good ball work & slow, playful finger work; quite a few unusual techniques; slapping - too much? - seemed to make the penis get softer; on the other hand, it provides some good examples of ways to work with a somewhat rubbery penis. The video has a second ending edited in (not a true aftershock).<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
------ </div>
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Finally, a word of caution: As you search for videos online keep in mind that "tantric sex" can mean something very different out in the <i>gurusphere</i>. Slow, sensual sex can look boring to an outside viewer, so it's hard to commercialize what real tantric couples do. As a result, there's a tendency to market hokey spirituality instead. Just because it has the word "tantra" on it doesn't necessarily mean it's going to be helpful to you.<br />
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<br />Shakti Amaranthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16204671934660827381noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7299662952978736845.post-30503514078614093792016-04-30T23:38:00.000-07:002016-10-31T23:29:15.589-07:00The Mystery of Arousal and Vaginal WetnessDear Shakti,<br />
<br />
My husband and I have been doing tantra since we found your blog a year and a half ago, and we absolutely love it! (Thank you!) But we’ve run into a snag lately, and I'm hoping you can help.<br />
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Here’s the situation: We’ve done all the preliminaries and I’ve given him a really nice lingam massage. I’m pretty turned on by that and I can feel the juices flowing. Then I get up on the table for my turn. He gives me a long wonderful massage, back and front. I’m meditating and loving the feel of his hands. <br />
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Then he starts the yoni part of the massage and it feels great. I’m doing the inside focus thing to spread the charge around, and I’m really feeling good and starting to squirm and rock my hips a little, so he starts some oral, and that feels even better, and he starts to slide his fingers into me, then STOPS, and asks me what’s wrong.<br />
<br />
“Nothing, why?” <i>“You’re not turned on.”</i> “I am too! <i>“No, you aren’t. You’re still dry inside.”</i><br />
<br />
…. WTF??<br />
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The first couple of times I just let it go. He did more oral, and eventually I got wet again, and on we went. But it keeps happening, maybe every third or fourth week, and he keeps asking me what he's doing wrong or what he needs to do different.<br />
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He doesn’t believe me when I tell him I really am turned on. I feel like I’m halfway to an orgasm, but he keeps saying <i>“you’re body doesn’t lie,”</i> and now I don’t know what to think. And at this point just thinking about it gets me tense during my massage and it’s been months since I had a really good “tantra high” or a full-body O.<br />
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Help? What’s going on?<br />
<br />
Fara<br />
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———<br />
<br />
Good question! It's quite common to hit a point when you are getting good at tantra and dry spells start to happen in mid-massage. The same thing happens to me and to a lot of other women who do tantra, and it can be <i>very</i> confusing!<br />
<br />
So I think this is something worth exploring in depth. And since we talked in my last post about male anatomy and the male nervous system, and the weird and complicated way the male orgasm works, I think this would be a good time to take a look at women’s anatomy and wiring, and how that can confuse us.<br />
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First, let me give the short answer to Fara’s question: Your vagina <i>IS</i> lying to you. Or rather, it’s telling the truth, but it’s answering a completely different question, as we will see.<br />
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What your husband needs to do is to pay attention to your words, your behavior, and your vulva, <b>not</b> your vagina. If your clitoris is firm, if your outer labia are plump and full, if your inner labia and vestibule are redder and darker than normal, and if you sound and act like you’re aroused, <i>then you’re aroused!</i><br />
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And if you’re aroused and your vagina is still dry, well, that’s what lube is for.<br />
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There’s an old Josh Billings quote that comes to mind: “It is better to know nothing than to know what ain't so.” It’s when we get a wrong idea firmly fixed in our heads that we go badly astray. We think we already know the answer, so we stop asking questions and we stop seeing what’s right in front of us. <br />
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And in this case your husband “knows” one of those things that just "ain’t so." He "knows" that vaginal wetness is an accurate measure of arousal. It’s a very common belief, but it’s also quite wrong.<br />
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Scientists who study these things made the same mistake for a long time, but have since learned that vaginal moisture is a very unreliable indicator of arousal. In fact, they even have a name for this phenomenon. They call it <i>“arousal nonconcordance.”</i> In some experiments, vaginal wetness matches (or “concords with”) sexual arousal only around 10% of the time, roughly chance levels. So something else is going on.<br />
<br />
<h3>
Bad science</h3>
For a long time, researchers assumed the same thing Fara’s husband did, that vaginal moisture was all about sexual arousal. And that led to a lot of research results that just didn’t make sense until they finally figured out what is really going on.<br />
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The story begins back in the 1970s with the invention of a cute little gadget called a "vaginal plethysmograph," a plastic probe the size of a tampon that is inserted into the vagina. It bounces light off the vaginal walls and measures the reflected light. More sophisticated ones also measure peak pulse pressure.<br />
<br />
Together, these two pieces of information provide a very sensitive record of even tiny changes in vaginal blood flow, which is what determines how wet you are. Normally, small amounts of moisture are produced all the time to keep the vagina flushed out and clean. When extra blood fills the vaginal wall and the pressure rises, a lot more moisture seeps through.<br />
<br />
There’s more to it than that, of course. There are two glands (called Bartholin glands) right at the entrance to the vagina that produce a different kind of lube. But most of the wetness you experience is just from rising blood pressure and blood flow in the vaginal wall, which increases “vaginal transudation,” the seeping of moisture through the inner surface of the vagina, which is what gets you wet.<br />
<br />
So we have this nifty toy that can tell scientists how much blood is flowing in the vaginal walls, and thus how much moisture is being produced. They already had a similar gadget, the penile plethysmograph, that measured changes in blood flow to the penis, so naturally they wanted to compare the two. <br />
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And, of course, they assumed that <b>both</b> gadgets measured sexual arousal, <i>because everyone knows that erections and vaginal wetness are caused by sexual arousal.</i> Right? (Well, no. But we'll get to that.)<br />
<br />
And right off the bat they started getting weird results. Women who were shown pictures and videos while wired up with a plethysmograph responded in unexpected ways. Based on other studies, researchers expected that fear would inhibit sexual arousal. But what they discovered instead was that scary images with a sexual component – like violent rape scenes – <i>increased</i> vaginal wetness, even though the women reported not being turned on.<br />
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In fact, pretty much anything with a sexual element caused increased vaginal wetness for women: images of nude men, images of nude women, videos of straight, gay, and lesbian couples having sex, videos of *bonobos* having sex! It seemed like *everything* even remotely connected with sex turned women on, whether they said they were aroused or not, and that scary, violent stuff involving sex turned women on the most, even if the women themselves insisted that many of the images had not been arousing.<br />
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A pattern emerged. When the women rated how turned on they were by various imagery, their self-evaluations did not match what the plethysmograph said around 90% of the time. When men did the same experiments, they found fewer things arousing, and the match was about 50% – not perfect agreement, but a lot closer. <br />
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So the (mostly male) researchers initially assumed that either the women were lying or else they were “out of touch with their bodies” and “didn’t know that they were aroused.” And so on. The assumption in a lot of the early discussion was that the plethysmograph told <i>“The Truth”</i> and that the women themselves were unreliable reporters about their own brains, bodies, and emotions.<br />
<br />
<h3>
Making sense of the research</h3>
For a while there was a lot of irresponsible reporting in the popular press about this, and at least one writer got a sensationalist bestseller out of it. But it turns out that the results simply show that <i>what causes increased vaginal blood flow and </i><i>vaginal </i><i>wetness is stress in a sexual context</i>, <i><b>not</b> sexual arousal</i> per se.<br />
<br />
Furthermore, a laboratory environment with strangers sticking probes in your vagina and then showing you pictures and asking for your responses is not exactly a safe, secure, familiar environment, so the <i>circumstances of the testing</i> also triggered a significant amount of stress, making it seem that women were “aroused” by everything that was in any way sexual.<br />
<br />
This became a lot clearer when researchers began looking for other kinds of data. The clitoris is the actual physical analog of the penis, so if you want to compare sexual arousal in men and women, it makes sense to compare blood flow in the parts that match, the clitoris and the penis. So a <i>clitoral</i> plethysmograph was developed that measures blood flow in the clitoris. <br />
<br />
And it turns out that <i>clitoral</i> blood flow “concords with” reported arousal much better than vaginal blood flow and lubrication. (I can’t resist the temptation to say “duh!” at this point. :) Furthermore, <i>clitoral</i> blood flow drops when a women experiences sexual inhibition – she sees an unpleasant or frightening scene – and <i>vaginal</i> blood flow doesn’t.<br />
<br />
So what is going on here?<br />
<br />
To begin with, you need to know that different parts of the nervous system deal with different kinds of situations. The <i>sympathetic nervous system</i> (SNS) deals with threats and preparations for strenuous activity. When you’re scared or tense or keyed up – you see a car barreling toward you or you’re at the starting line of an important race – the SNS tells the adrenal glands to pump out adrenaline (epinephrine) and stress hormones like cortisol. It shuts down your digestion, reduces immune system activity, and halts other “maintenance” activities. It increases your heart rate and your breathing, and diverts blood from your visceral organs, like your gut, liver, and spleen, toward your brain and your big muscles. In short, it shuts down unessential activities like healing and digestion, and gets you ready to run, fight, or act fast and forcefully.<br />
<br />
The <i>parasympathetic nervous system</i> (PNS) normally does just the opposite. It slows down your heart and your breathing, it starts digestion back up, it redirects blood flow away from the large muscles and toward your internal organs, and it promotes all sorts of resting, healing, and maintenance behavior.<br />
<br />
A timely burst of adrenaline from the SNS can save your life, but too much chronic stress will kill you. One of the paradoxes of modern life is that we are physically safer than we have ever been, yet we carry very high loads of chronic stress, keeping the SNS turned on all the time and not giving our bodies time to rest and heal. When you meditate, one of the most important things you are doing is turning your SNS off and your PNS on.<br />
<br />
It’s the balance between these two parts of the nervous system that controls an awful lot of what goes on automatically in our bodies. However, the balance is not a simple seesaw relationship. There are times when the PNS is signaling to one part of the system to relax while the SNS is signaling to other parts to prepare for action. <br />
<br />
And sex is one of those times when you can be getting signals from both systems. The PNS gets you aroused and ready for sex. The stronger that activation gets the closer you are to an orgasm. Then a sudden spike from the SNS triggers your orgasm, canceling out the PNS signal and leading to an abrupt decline in arousal.<br />
<br />
If you're a little bit stressed or scared, the signal from the SNS can make it a bit harder to become aroused, but sex can still happen. Interestingly, it can also make it a bit <i>easier</i> to have an orgasm once you're turned on, because the SNS signal is already elevated. But the orgasm you get happens at a lower level of arousal, so it feels less intense.<br />
<br />
But if you're <i>highly</i> stressed or scared, the signal from the SNS can be too strong from the beginning, and you won’t ever get aroused in the first place.<br />
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How does this affect the vaginal moisture puzzle? Well, we can get a clue about this by looking at the other gender. With men, the PNS is in charge of erection and the SNS is in charge of ejaculation. (The med school mnemonic is: <i>"Point and Shoot."</i>)<br />
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A man needs to be relaxed enough to get an erection. Too strong a signal from the SNS (from fear, stress, anxiety, or simply excitement) will cancel out the PNS signal, and prevent the erection from happening. And even if he <i>can</i> get an erection, the elevated SNS levels can cause early ejaculation. This is why performance anxiety can cause either erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation, or sometimes both.<br />
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The clitoris and the labia are the female analogs of the penis and the scrotum, so it is no surprise that they are turned on and off by the same parts of the nervous system. The PNS signal sends blood flow to the external genitals, causing the penis to become erect in the man and the clitoris and labia to become engorged in the woman. A surge in SNS shuts down the extra blood flow at the end, during orgasm<br />
<br />
This is, incidentally, why the congested feeling in the genitals fades away much faster after an orgasm than it does if you never reach the orgasm point. Men call this "blue balls," but women who have had prolonged sex play with no release can experience the same kind of discomfort.<br />
<br />
But if a woman experiences too much stress, anxiety, or fear, and SNS activity is too high too early, this will shut down the blood flow prematurely and prevent physical arousal from occurring in the first place. High stress, anxiety, and fear can prevent female arousal in the same way they keep men from getting erections.<br />
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There’s no obvious internal correspondence in women to the man’s “Emissions Phase,” involving the vas deferens, the seminal vesicles, the prostate, and the other glands that produce semen. But the vagina occupies the same general region of the body as the man’s internal sexual parts, and the same nerves serve both sets of organs. And just as it is the SNS that gets a man ready to ejaculate, it is the SNS that stimulates blood flow to the capillaries in the vaginal wall.<br />
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But wait! The SNS responds to <i>danger</i>. Why would it be in charge of getting the vagina ready for sex?<br />
<br />
Well, actually, the SNS responds to many things, including the anticipation of strenuous physical action. When you’re at the starting line, waiting for the gun to go off, the SNS is pouring adrenaline into your system and getting you ready to run. You don’t have to be scared, you just need to be excited and primed for action. <br />
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And most of the time, this works just fine for sex. If you feel safe enough and you're <i>mentally</i> turned on and ready to go, your PNS gets your clit and labia swollen and aroused. And if you’re <i>excited</i> in a sexual context, moderate SNS activation gets your vagina ready to go. Since most sex involves a mixture of relaxation, excitement, and arousal, that usually works fine.<br />
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But it also explains the contradictions that happen when the two signals get...<br />
<br />
<h3>
Out of Sync</h3>
<i><b>First</b>,</i> consider what happens when you have high stress/fear/anxiety and low arousal in a sexual context. Your SNS is pouring out adrenaline and your PNS is shutting down the unessentials.<br />
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This is what typically happens in a real rape situation or threat (not a rape fantasy). The vagina gets wet, the clitoris and labia remain flat, and the emotional centers of the brain are signaling fear or anxiety, not sexual desire. <br />
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Many rapists try to excuse their actions by saying that the woman's vagina was wet, so "she really wanted it." <i>And many of the women who survive violent rapes end up feeling betrayed by their bodies, because they believe the myth that wetness means desire.</i><br />
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Some scientists speculate that this way of wiring up the nervous system evolved specifically to protect women from injury during nonconsensual sex. Throughout history and prehistory, women have often been expected or forced to have sex whether they wanted to or not, without any consideration of whether they were turned on by their partners. <br />
<br />
If the vagina only became lubed when a woman was genuinely aroused, these women would have had frequent dry sex and would have been at constant risk for abrasions and tears that created openings for vaginal infections, pelvic inflammatory disease, sterility, and death. From an evolutionary point of view, it is far safer to have lubrication respond to <b><i>any</i></b> sexual context, particularly a scary one, than to make it depend on genuine desire.<br />
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<i><b>Second</b>,</i> consider what happens at the other end of the spectrum, when stress/fear/anxiety are extremely low and sexual arousal is high. This is Fara’s situation, and also mine and that of many other women doing tantra. We have deliberately created an environment of total safety. We take a long relaxing shower or bath, we meditate, we get a long, luxurious full-body massage from someone we trust absolutely. <i>We’re like limp noodles, totally relaxed, not a shred of tension left. </i><br />
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We do this intentionally because it produces some very special effects during sex that are quite wonderful. But it can definitely mess up the internal signals that usually activate both arousal and the production of additional vaginal moisture.<br />
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So... what is happening internally when we are both aroused and totally relaxed? Clearly in this situation we're going to have high PNS activation and near-zero SNS activation. That means no adrenaline or cortisol, SLOW heart rate and breathing, low blood pressure, and limp muscles. And, in particular, high PNS/low SNS means lots of blood going to the clit and vulva, and very little going to the vagina.<br />
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Compare that to having sex with a new guy, back when you were dating. Most likely, your heart was racing, you were breathing hard, your muscles were tense, and both the excitement and the physical effort sent your blood pressure way up. <br />
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Let's face it, being <i>completely</i> relaxed during sexual arousal isn’t normal. And when we create this abnormal situation, it can send the wrong signal to the vagina. There needs to be at least <i>some</i> SNS activity for blood flow and pressure in the vaginal wall to be high enough to create natural lubrication.<br />
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This is not a problem unless you let it become one for you. Keep in mind that we are <i>deliberately</i> doing something unnatural here by having sexual arousal in a situation with no stress. Call it “zero-adrenaline sex.” It's one of the keys to what makes tantric sex magical.<br />
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Because adrenaline acts in some ways like an anesthetic, it blocks a lot of the intense pleasurable sensations that happen during sex. Adrenaline, cortisol, and other stress hormones also reduce oxytocin production, and particularly the use of oxytocin in the brain to reinforce the couple bond. <br />
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So one of the main goals of tantric sex is to minimize adrenaline and maximize pure sensual pleasure. And in the process we are quite likely to get below the minimum SNS threshold for producing natural vaginal lubrication, even when we’re very turned on. We just need to recognize that for what it is … a side-effect of feeling very safe and relaxed, which is exactly what we’re trying to achieve.<br />
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After the first few times this happened to me, we started using lube automatically at the start of yoni massage whether I needed it or not. And that solved the problem. Since we use coconut oil for both massage and lube, this requires no extra effort on Z’s part. He just scoops a little extra on his fingers before he goes exploring.<br />
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Some women never have this problem, even though they are successful in getting into a deep state of relaxation during yoni massage. And of course I have wondered why some women do and some don't. It’s possible that differences in resting heart rate and blood pressure have some effect. Since I’m in the low-normal range for both, that would make sense of why I do go dry in mid-massage. It’s quite possible that someone with a somewhat higher resting pulse or blood pressure would never have the same problem.<br />
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Another possibility is that having sex, or receiving a yoni massage, still feels somewhat risky or dangerous for some women who were brought up in sex-negative households. Perhaps a woman has discarded most of her childhood indoctrination, but still has a twinge of feeling that sex is bad, or that oral sex is "dirty," or that being naked on a massage table and letting a man devote himself to her pleasure is wicked or shameful. <br />
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It may even happen in a good way, giving her a wicked little thrill! But even if it's below the conscious level, the awareness that she's doing things she knows her parents or religious preceptors would disapprove of might provide <i>just enough</i> stress, tension, or rebellious excitement to trigger her SNS enough to get her wet.<br />
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<h3>
Summary</h3>
As Emily Nagoski points out in <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090" target="_blank">Come As You Are</a>, "arousal nonconcordance" (the lack of correlation between vaginal lubrication and actual sexual arousal) is quite well documented. Some data points:<br />
<ul>
<li>Clitoral blood flow correlates fairly well with strong subjective arousal, about as well as penile erection does (roughly 50%).</li>
<li>The correlation between vaginal blood flow and subjective arousal is very low, around 10% in some studies.</li>
<li>Vaginal blood flow has been shown to vary with excitement and fear in a sexual context, but not arousal.</li>
<li>With high threat levels in a sexual context, there is an inverse relationship between clitoral and vaginal "arousal." I.e., the wetter the vagina, the less blood flow there is to the vulva and clitoris.</li>
</ul>
Sexual encounters in real life usually involve a combination of excitement, anxiety, and sexual arousal. That's especially true for single people. Sex with a comparative stranger always involves some excitement and some anxiety – about him, about your body, about the circumstances, about what your mother or your friends would think, about all kinds of things. <br />
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In a sexual context, the stress or excitement gets the juices flowing in the vagina, even if you are not particularly aroused. But assuming you are both somewhat stressed <i>and</i> aroused, the stress gets blood flowing to your vagina, the arousal gets blood flowing to the clit and vulva, and everything stays reasonably in sync.<br />
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In a sexual endangerment situation, a woman can be scared and neither mentally aroused nor physically aroused in terms of her clit and labia, but she can still get strongly lubricated because her heart is pounding and her vaginal blood flow is high. Her vulva and her vagina are completely OUT of sync.<br />
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If a woman is feeling completely safe and relaxed when she is having sex, she may experience the opposite - being completely turned on, her clit and labia swollen and throbbing, but little or no moisture inside her vagina. (Which is why there's a bottle of lube on the bedside table in many long-term relationships.) <br />
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NOT being wet does not necessarily mean you are NOT turned on and ready. Sometimes it just means you are feeling safe and relaxed with a guy you really trust and you're not doing anything that makes you feel naughty or "transgressive."<br />
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Boys are taught that when a girl is "wet" it's a sign of arousal. This can lead to serious crossed signals during sex. As noted, it is common for a rapist to claim that his victim "really wanted it" because her vagina was wet.<br />
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Women can fall into a similar trap. If you believe that “your vagina doesn’t lie,” then you think you're turned on by things that reliably get you wet, whether you are mentally aroused by them or not. <br />
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For a lot of woman who have never had good sex, that means rough sex and BDSM. Even if that kind of sex is not enjoyable for a particular woman, she may reason subconsciously that that’s what her body needs, because that’s the only kind of sex that reliably gets her wet.<br />
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The problem with that is that vaginal wetness <i>doesn't</i> measure desire or arousal. It's a reflection of stress, fear, and/or anxiety in a sexual context. This isn't necessarily bad. A little bit of fear, for example, is a component of many things people enjoy – roller coasters, scary movies, imagining sex with a really hot guy. But women who rely on vaginal wetness to tell them what turns them on can get trapped in a situation where they only want to have sex in situations where they are stressed or scared.<br />
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Fear/stress/anxiety and arousal do often go together – a rape fantasy, for example – but confusing the two puts us in the position of condoning real rape and blaming the victim because she got wet when she was experiencing real fear.<br />
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Human beings vary enormously about sex and what we think are turn-ons. Some women are strongly attracted to high-adrenaline sex, and they seldom notice a problem with lubrication not happening when they are turned on. Women who are more attuned toward slow, sensual sex are more likely to notice the difference, since they can get highly aroused without being wet. <br />
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But any woman who has found her panties soaking wet after a real rape or rape threat, one that was terrifying and not at all sexually appealing, has reason to understand that arousal and wetness are not the same thing.<br />
<br />Shakti Amaranthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16204671934660827381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7299662952978736845.post-23731266815951468152016-02-29T01:24:00.001-08:002016-10-31T13:25:12.007-07:00Understanding the Male OrgasmThe topic of dry orgasms and multiple orgasms for men came up recently, and since I've learned a bit more about how all of this works in the last two and half years, I though I'd share an update with you that adds a bit of depth and background to the posts already in the blog.<br />
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<h3>
Understanding the Male Orgasm</h3>
The male orgasm was originally divided by researchers into two phases. They've since learned that those are really the middle part of the process, but old habits die hard, so the numbering of the phases is a little peculiar. So it looks like this:<br />
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<b>Preparation – Arousal:</b> Blood flow increases not just to the penis, but also to tissues in the surrounding area in the scrotum and lower pelvis, creating increased congestion and sensitivity to touch. The brain areas responsible for orgasm and ejaculation accumulate higher and higher levels of neurotransmitters like dopamine and oxytocin.<br />
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<b>Phase Zero – Initiation:</b> After sufficient arousal, the brain signals the adrenals to release a spike of adrenaline (epinephrine) in the brain and the body, raising blood pressure, pulse, and respiration, blocking pain and fatigue, and increasing muscular strength. The forebrain begins to shut down its monitoring of anything not connected with the impending orgasm. The orgasm begins. On an EEG, it looks like an electrical storm or epileptic fit begins to sweep over the brain from front to back. This continues through the next two phases.<br />
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<b>Phase One – Emission:</b> A signal is sent to all of the glands involved in the ejaculation process. The sphincter between the bladder and the prostate closes tight so semen cannot go backward into the bladder. The sperm, seminal fluid, and other ingredients that constitute semen are injected into the upper end of the urethra from the vas deferens, seminal vesicles, prostate, and several other glands. The pituitary gland at the base of the brain also releases a jolt of prolactin into the blood. The man is now aware that the orgasm has started and feels he has passed the Point of No Return.<br />
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<b>Phase Two – Ejaculation:</b> Starting about 1-2 seconds after the signal to the glands, a separate signal is sent to nodes in the spine, which send a set of repeated signals to the muscles that surround the urethra all the way from the prostate at the base of the bladder down to the base of the penis and up the penile shaft. These muscles contract strongly in sequence, expelling the semen from the tip of the penis. Other muscles in the pelvic floor contract too, tightening the anal sphincters and often making the penis jerk. This series of contractions generally occurs 10-15 times, although in some cases it may be less or more. The man is usually aware of only about half of them unless he has trained himself to notice them.<br />
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<b>Aftermath:</b> The electrical storm that started in Phase Zero lasts about 15-20 seconds, continuing throughout Phases One and Two and triggering the release of a surge of dopamine and other neurotransmitters in the nucleus accumbens and other parts of the limbic system involved in pleasure and reward. Meanwhile, the spike of prolactin dumped into the bloodstream in Phase One circulates through the body and reaches the groin about a minute after release, negating the chemicals that caused the arteries in that area to expand. As the arteries in the penis contract, blood flow to the penis is substantially reduced, and the erection becomes soft.<br />
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To summarize, Phase Zero starts the whole electrochemical cascade that triggers the other two phases and produces the pleasurable sensations – but also the temporary loss of control – in the brain. Phase One consists of all the glandular action needed to "load" semen into the urethra and to release prolactin into the blood. And Phase Two is where all the muscular action takes place, forcing the semen out.<br />
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So it's ...<br />
<ul>
<li>Phase Zero – Orgasm – brain</li>
<li>Phase One – Emission – glands</li>
<li>Phase Two – Ejaculation – muscles</li>
</ul>
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<br /></div>
<h3>
Why Kegels Work to Create Dry Orgasms</h3>
What is fascinating about this is that we would expect the steps to be locked together in a very tight sequence, but they aren't. Although the three phases normally start in rapid succession, this doesn't always happen. If part of the process is interrupted, the rest can still go ahead independently, pretty much on schedule.<br />
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For example, it is possible to skip Phase Zero and have emission and ejaculation without the pleasurable part of the orgasm (anhedonic ejaculation). Semen spurts out without any feeling of pleasure. And it is possible to skip Phase Two, which produces emission without ejaculation. This creates a "ruined" orgasm where the semen just dribbles out afterward with no pumping action.<br />
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Finally, and importantly for our discussion, it is also possible to have a true orgasm in the brain, along with the Ejaculation Phase, while completely skipping the Emission Phase. This is Phase Zero and Phase Two, with no Phase One in between.<br />
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We call this a "dry" orgasm or "shooting blanks," because you have the pleasure of an orgasm and you can feel the contractions happening, but there's no semen in the urethra, so of course nothing is expelled. (Actually, it's common for small amounts of seminal fluid to have leaked into the urethra and to be expelled, so "dry" may not mean completely dry.)<br />
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Two important points. First, this is exactly what happens automatically for boys who masturbate before they are old enough to produce semen. They go straight from Phase Zero to Phase Two, skipping Phase One. As a result, they have dry orgasms without any emissions.<br />
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Second, it's Phase One that triggers the release of prolactin in the bloodstream, and it's the prolactin that kills your erection after an orgasm. If you skip from Phase Zero to Phase Two, there's no Emissions Phase, and that means there's no prolactin, no loss of erection, no refractory period, and no reason not to continue with sex and have another orgasm. (Prolactin also makes you sleepy, so postponing the surge of prolactin means you can stay awake longer and enjoy more sex!)<br />
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And again, young boys are our model, since they can have multiple orgasms, one right after another, <i>without</i> losing their erections, right up until they reach semenarche, usually around 11 - 14. Boys who discovered this for themselves often remember masturbating continuously and having several orgasms in a row when they were too young to ejaculate.<br />
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What's more, a few of the boys who get into the habit of having multiple orgasms before puberty somehow retain the trick of skipping Phase One when they want to. This means that as adults they can have either dry or wet orgasms as they choose, so they can decide to have, say, three dry orgasms and then finish with a full ejaculatory orgasm.<br />
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What makes all this possible is that the emission process in Phase One <i>is not the trigger </i>for the contractions in Phase Two. Instead, the orgasm happening in the brain sends two different signals to two different parts of your nervous system about two seconds apart. The first signal tells the glands to trigger the Phase One emissions process, including the emission of a pulse of prolactin from the pituitary. The second signal tells the muscles to trigger the contractions for Phase Two. We know this is true because if Phase Two depended on Phase One, boys couldn't have orgasms before they reached semenarche and men would never have dry orgasms.<br />
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<h3>
Blocking Phase One and Preventing Emissions</h3>
So all(!) you need to do to have a dry orgasm is to find something else to do at exactly the right moment to distract or interrupt the signal to that part of your nervous system.<br />
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It's not at all clear what that is in the case of boys who learn to do it under conscious control, because so far I haven't been able to find anyone who can put what that feels like into words. One man who discovered how to do it as an adult described it as being like the process of learning to raise one eyebrow. You keep trying to separate two mental signals that normally go together until you stumble on the right internal twitch that sends only one signal, not both.<br />
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However, my partner and many other men use the Kegel trick instead: if you can learn to do a hard Kegel clamp at <i>exactly</i> the right moment, you can interrupt the emissions phase without interrupting the orgasm or the contractions in the urethra. So you get all the pleasure and all the sensations <i>except</i> the feeling of fluid traveling down the urethra and being ejected. <br />
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And, most importantly, it resets your arousal level down about 40-50% (that's a completely unscientific average estimate from several guys) without killing your erection, so you can keep going. Typically, each dry orgasm you have will add 3-7 min to your stamina in bed.<br />
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Incidentally, I strongly suspect that it doesn't have to be a Kegel. I think if you crossed your eyes or wiggled your ears or lifted one eyebrow at just the right moment, it would interfere just as well with the Phase One signal to all those glands. (If anyone wants to give that a try, please let me know if you succeed!) In the meantime, we know that it works if you do a Kegel at the right moment.<br />
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The key to all of this is the timing. Men typically don't realize that an orgasm has started until Phase One is underway, which is already too late to stop it. By "edging" yourself repeatedly to 80%, 90%, 95%, 98%, and 99% of the trigger for an orgasm – and sometimes missing the goal and failing to pull back in time – you can learn where that boundary is and you can also learn to detect the onset of Phase Zero.<br />
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Once you can do that, you can do a Kegel – or whatever – right around the moment when the orgasm starts to happen in the brain but BEFORE the signal goes out to start Phase One. It's somewhat like learning to start the race two seconds before the starter's gun goes off. You have to learn to ignore the obvious, familiar signal and learn to detect and use a much subtler one instead.<br />
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For more on how to learn to do this, see <a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2013/11/multiple-orgasms-for-men.html" target="_blank">Multiple Orgasms for Men</a> and the posts that follow it.<br />
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<br />Shakti Amaranthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16204671934660827381noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7299662952978736845.post-73087326777149538712015-12-31T20:25:00.000-08:002015-12-31T20:25:02.503-08:00Happy New Year, and a resource page for VVS.This has been a wonderful holiday season for both of us, as I hope it has been for all of you! We spent an old-fashioned Scandinavian Christmas with Z's parents and his sister, her spouse, and their kids. And the week since Boxing Day with my brother, his wonderful wife, my three beautiful nieces and their families, so I'm seriously peopled out!<br />
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On top of family visits, parties, and entertaining, I've been trying to squeeze in some time to get started on the book that I've been promising many of you for over a year. It's not been easy going, but I'm determined to push ahead and at least get the manuscript in reasonable shape this winter. Because formatting and editing depend so much on consistency and continuity, I'm finding it very hard to get it done when my time is broken up into little chunks, so I probably won't post here again for several months. I'm also seriously thinking of taking a week of vacation time from work in February or March and just locking myself in a room somewhere with my laptop until it's done. We'll see.<br />
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In the meantime, if you want to be on the list for a free copy of the ebook on launch day, whenever that is, be sure you have sent me a request with an email address that you check reasonably often!<br />
<h4 style="text-align: center;">
* * * * *</h4>
As noted in the title, I've just added <a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/p/understanding-vvs.html" target="_blank">a resource page on VVS</a>, <i>vulvar vestibulitis syndrome,</i> which usually manifests itself as a raw burning or stinging pain in the vulva or just inside the vagina, in or near the vestibule or entrance area. It occurs during and after contact, either pressure or rubbing, so it can make intercourse very painful.<br />
<br />
Over the years, I've received questions about tantra from a number of women who could not have intercourse without a great deal of pain, and who weren't getting help from their doctors. This resource page on VVS is meant to go along with <a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/p/vaginismus-is-peculiar-problem.html" target="_blank">the page that I posted last month on <i>vaginismus</i></a>, one of the other principal causes of female pain during sex.<br />
<br />
Most of the other sources of <i>vulvodynia</i> or <i>dyspareunia</i> (vulvar and vaginal pain), including cysts, infections, ovarian problems, endometriosis, and more, have fairly obvious causes that doctors understand, but vaginismus and VVS are fairly common problems that are apparently never discussed in medical school, so doctors don't recognize them very well and they often go untreated. <br />
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As mentioned last month, one letter came from a couple who had been married three years and were still virgins, asking how they could do tantric sex without penetration. Another letter came from a woman who felt almost suicidal because sex with her husband left her in agony, with a burning pain that persisted even after he finished and withdrew. Doctors had provided no help, and she wanted to learn to give him lingam massages instead and persuade him to give up on penetrative sex.<br />
<br />
These and other letters sparked a number of conversations with my own gynecologist and considerable research on my part, as I tried to understand the problems. This is what I'm trying to share in these two resource pages. If you know someone suffering from pain during intercourse, please remember that these are here and available.<br />
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<i>Have a safe New Year's Eve and a happy, successful, and passionate new year!</i><br />
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<br />Shakti Amaranthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16204671934660827381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7299662952978736845.post-5713185658578330592015-11-30T23:55:00.000-08:002015-12-03T23:53:52.577-08:00A New Resource Page: VaginismusOver the last several years, many people have found this blog and written to me with questions, and I'm always curious about what attracted them to tantra. One of the more unusual groups of people who have landed here have been women who suffer from vaginismus, a disorder that causes vaginal tightness and pain and frequently makes penetrative sex impossible.<br />
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These women and their partners usually come to this blog because they are searching for ways to make non-penetrative sex better. A friend or, in several cases, a doctor or sex counselor has recommended learning tantric massage, and an Internet search has directed them here. Perhaps the most touching of these was from a couple who had been married three years and had never been able to consummate their marriage.<br />
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Needless to say, I have done what I could to help provide ideas for ways to have tantric sex without a "PiV" (penis in vagina) finale. As regular readers know, <a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2015/01/mailbag-5-tantra-for-women-and-fc2-for.html" target="_blank">this is normal for lesbian couples</a> as well as for one of the couples I described in "<a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2013/11/tantra-with-physical-limitations.html" target="_blank">Tantra with Physical Limitations</a>." (The husband has severe ED from an injury and cannot get erections even with drugs.)<br />
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But it also got me interested in finding out more about vaginismus itself. I was surprised to find out how common vaginal pain is and how poorly informed most doctors are about it. Many women spend years bouncing from doctor to doctor, being told it is "all in their heads," and never getting a clear understanding of what the problem is, much less how to treat it.<br />
<br />
This is immensely frustrating because their suffering is entirely unnecessary. The therapy for vaginismus is inexpensive, accessible, and almost always effective. Just giving couples the magic word "vaginismus" and a handful of web links has led directly to women getting therapy and being able to have pain-free sex for the first time in years, or in one case, the first time ever.<br />
<br />
I received a Thanksgiving thank-you note a few days ago from one of these women, and it got me thinking that I should at least put my notes in shape and post them here. So I did!<br />
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<a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/p/vaginismus-is-peculiar-problem.html" target="_blank">The new vaginismus resource page is located here.</a><br />
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And to continue the Thanksgiving holiday note, I hope you all have had as much to be thankful for as I did!Shakti Amaranthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16204671934660827381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7299662952978736845.post-63930809982819752892015-10-31T15:09:00.000-07:002016-12-19T06:47:46.192-08:00Aunt Shakti's Guide for Male VirginsSixteen months ago I took a break from purely tantra postings to post an article aimed at helping women have a painless and more enjoyable introduction to sex. Even though it's not about tantra, that article, "<a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2014/06/aunt-shaktis-action-plan-for-proactive.html" target="_blank">Aunt Shakti's Action Plan for Proactive Modern Virgins</a>," has turned out to be one of the most popular landing spots on this blog for new visitors and I've also heard privately from several regular readers that they appreciate being able to give out the link to young friends who are on the verge.<br />
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Then last month I was asked to provide advice for a male virgin. The background was a little different. The young man was distressed that he didn't know what to do and would feel ignorant and embarrassed. He said that all he knew about sex was what he had seen online, but that he wasn't sure it would really be okay to do many of the rough things he regularly saw in porn videos.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Unfortunately, that's all too common these days. Even mainstream porn is now increasingly violent and extreme, and it's easy for people who have been in serious relationships to forget that young people have no way to tell what is pure fantasy and what isn't.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
The guide seemed to fill a need, so I thought I would post it here as a companion to that earlier article. Here's a slightly expanded version of what I wrote:<br />
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<h3>
Shakti's Guide for Male Virgins</h3>
<div>
First times are frequently awkward for everyone. If your girl is a virgin too, she will have her own worries, much greater than yours, and you'll need to read up on that (see the links below) so you can help her get through it with the least discomfort and most pleasure possible. If at all possible, the two of you should be completely comfortable being naked together, giving each other handjobs and and doing oral <i>before</i> you rush into penetrative "penis-in-vagina" (PiV) sex.</div>
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If she is more experienced than you are, make sure she knows you're a virgin and she's okay with that. <i>MOST</i> girls and women know quite well that first-time sex is often awkward and even funny, and they are very understanding and supportive and happy to coach you. They will not be expecting great sex, so you don't have to worry about living up to some impossible ideal. Instead, they will expect it to be warm, charming, funny at times, and tender.</div>
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Don't worry about losing an opportunity if she knows you're a virgin. You really, really don't want her to have expectations that are impossible for you to fulfill. If you sign up for a tennis match and claim to be an expert when you've never played before, you won't fool anyone and your partner will have every reason to be disappointed. </div>
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So don't try to fake it and don't surprise her. But don't be embarrassed about it either. <i>Everyone</i> has a first time and this is yours. Most experienced women will be happy to guide you and most virgins will be happy to bumble through it with you. The few who decline are typically the impatient or demanding ones who would make it bad for you anyway.</div>
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<h2>
Preparing for Your First Time</h2>
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<i>Buy condoms and practice putting them on correctly.</i> You should be able to do it in bad light and still get the condom oriented the right way every time. Pinch the tip and fold it over to be sure you always end up with no air in the tip, so that there will be space for your semen.<br />
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Get an assortment of condoms and make sure you have the right size. A condom should be snug enough so it won't slip, but not so tight that it hurts. Buy lube that is clearly marked "Safe for use with condoms." Practice masturbating with lube and a condom on so you get used to the feeling.</div>
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Study some pictures and drawings of the female genitals so you have a sense of where things are, but also of how much women vary down there. (A lot! There's tremendous diversity in the size, shape, and color of the various parts, so every vulva is unique!) Learn the names for the different parts so you can understand these directions and have an intelligent conversation with your partner. There are links below that can help.</div>
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If you have a stubble, grow it out into a soft beard or shave it off. No one wants to make love to a Brillo pad. Leaving raw abrasions on your partner's face, breasts, thighs, etc., is not a way to charm her.</div>
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Arrange your plans so you will have several hours for sex in a completely private place. You will have enough on your mind without subconsciously being worried about time or interruptions.</div>
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Trim your nails and remove any hangnails and rough spots. BATHE. Brush your teeth, scrape your tongue, and use mouthwash. Wear clean underclothes. Stick a travel pack of kleenex in your pocket or put a box of kleenex next to your bed if you know the sex is going to be at your place.</div>
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So... now that you're all set, what does "normal" sex actually look like?</div>
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<h2>
A Basic Script for First-Time Sex With a New Partner</h2>
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First, forget everything you've seen in porn that involves roughing women up, pulling their hair, choking or slapping them, or doing anything to the anus. First-time "get to know you" sex should always be plain vanilla unless you know exactly what you're doing <i>and</i> the two of you have explicitly agreed to go outside those limits.</div>
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Okay, with that out of the way, there are hundreds of variations even on "plain vanilla," and different women respond to different things, so there is never going to be any one script you can follow and get perfect results. But it's still not a bad idea to have a not-too-uncommon script in your head as a point of reference. So here's ONE possible way things can go:</div>
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<b>Step 1: </b>Make out. Kiss passionately and rub your hands all over each other's bodies, maybe even do some dry humping. Breast play is fine if she seems responsive, but don't maul her breasts. Backs and buttocks are important too. <i>Don't rush this phase.</i></div>
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<b>Step 2: </b> Get rid of the clothing, in stages if necessary. Continue Step 1 with one hand cupping her entire vulva region (crotch), pressing firmly and rubbing her outer labia up and down.</div>
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<b>Step 3:</b> When she is moaning/squirming/breathing hard/pushing against your hand, cautiously introduce your (clean, closely trimmed) middle finger between her labia. If it doesn't feel wet – meaning more than just damp – withdraw your hand, apply lube liberally to your 3 middle fingers, and transfer the lube to all of the smooth pink parts between her outer labia.</div>
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<b>Step 4: </b> Locate her vaginal entrance and clitoral shaft by touch and make sure both are well-lubed. Be gentle; don't poke.</div>
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<b>Step 5: </b> With one or two fingers, slide the clitoral hood up and down, sideways, or in circles on top of the clitoral shaft, avoiding the head of the clitoris. If she seems responsive, keep doing this until she has at least one orgasm – if she can. (This can take a while for some women, so don't expect instant results. On the other hand, some women don't like or don't respond to a lot of stimulation here, so be sensitive to her signals. If you're unsure whether to move on, <i>ask!</i>)</div>
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<b>Step 6: </b> Slide downward, kissing her breasts and belly, and – unless she stops you – slide further down and begin using your tongue and mouth to lick and suck her vulva and clit. Cunnilingus is an art with infinite variations, but here are a few moves you can try to start with. Use a soft broad tongue to lick from the vaginal entrance up to the top of the vulva, like licking an ice cream cone. Use the point of your tongue to lick in the gap to one side of the clit, between the clitoral hood and the labia. Place your lips around the whole upper vulva area and suck, moving your head to gently tug her vulva in different directions. For bonus points, curl your two middle fingers inside the entrance to her vagina, press the fingertips upward, and stroke outward. Experiment and pay close attention to her responses. Keep doing anything that seems to be desired and effective.<br />
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<b>Step 7: </b> If she is able to have an orgasm from oral, she may want to stop after one, or she may want you to to continue. Some women also like continued stimulation <i>during</i> an oral orgasm, but it's more likely that she will want you to pause and hold her tight until she's done. Usually, her hands will tell you which. If she doesn't push your head away, resume whatever you were doing as soon as she seems ready for it, and continue until she makes it clear she's had enough.</div>
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<b>Step 8: </b> When she signals for you to move on, roll away, carefully open the condom wrapper, and put the condom on correctly. (You did practice this, right?) While you're doing that, ask if she wants to be on top.</div>
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<b>Step 9: </b> Either lie flat and help her to get on top and straddle your hips, or move on top of her with your knees between her legs and your hips over hers.</div>
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<b>Step 10:</b> Liberally lube your penis and/or her vagina. Using one hand, guide your penis into her vagina, unless she does it for you. If she's on top, she'll control the pace. If you're on top, SLOWLY press inward, pausing if she seems uncomfortable, and adjusting your angle and position as necessary, until you are at full depth.</div>
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<b>Step 11: </b> If she's on top, keep your motions *<i>small</i>* and match her rhythm. If you're on top, start stroking in and out as slowly as you can. It's not a race. You may feel an overwhelming desire to pound hard and fast. Don't! Walk, do not run! Finish each stroke with a little extra pressure and a slight pause. Listen to her breathing. As it speeds up and she gets more tense, allow yourself to slightly increase your tempo to match.</div>
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<b>Step 12: </b> When your orgasm begins, keep stroking as long as you can and then press deep inside and remain there holding her tight for at least a minute while you ejaculate. (Surprisingly, the actual depth of penetration isn't what counts. What matters instead is the pressure between your body and her vaginal opening, which creates the feeling that you have made a deep thrust and are extending it.)</div>
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<b>Afterward:</b> Withdraw slowly, keeping a firm grip on the base of the condom. Remove it carefully, twist it several times near the base, and tie an overhand knot in it. Wrap it in a kleenex and discard it, or put it where you won't forget it later. Offer her some kleenex too. Wipe your fingers and penis with kleenex and wipe up any stray fluids. STAY AWAKE, even if you suddenly feel sleepy! </div>
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If she did not get an orgasm at any point in the process and/or she indicates that she wants more, return to Step 6 and do your best. Otherwise, cuddle as long as she wants to cuddle. Say things she wants to hear. Tell her it was amazing, tell her she's fantastic, etc. Emotional intimacy afterward is important! Men who skip it are viewed as jerks. Don't let that be you.</div>
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<h2>
Final Thoughts</h2>
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As I said, use this script as a point of departure. It won't go exactly like this, and it may take a sharp turn in the middle. If that happens, improvise! Talk to her, <i>ask</i> her what she likes, <i>listen</i> to what she's telling you about what turns her on, and pay attention if she seems uncomfortable with anything. For example, some women are shy and feel uncomfortable with oral sex on a first encounter, so give your girl a chance to head you off before Step 6.</div>
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But the most important thing of all is your general attitude. </div>
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Be relaxed and confident in your ability to improvise and figure things out, but not cocky – no amount of study makes you an expert without lots of practice. <br />
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Remember to breathe. Keeping your breath slow, deep, and steady helps you maintain your pace and control. Quick, shallow breathing often brings on an orgasm. So will holding your breath. So remember to breathe!<br />
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Pay attention to how tight your muscles are. If you find that you are holding your back, leg, and pelvis muscles really tight, make a conscious effort to relax them. It will help you be less tense and it will help keep your movements more fluid and rhythmic.</div>
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Be passionate and enthusiastic. Make sure she knows how sexy and attractive you find her. Many women have body issues and a lot of insecurity about getting naked with a new partner. If you make it clear, in words and especially in non-verbal ways, that you are thrilled and excited to be with her and that she really turns you on, you will be forgiven for any number of beginner's mistakes!</div>
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Be patient. Your conscious mind does not control your penis. The parts of the brain that <i>do</i> control it are going to be working overtime figuring out this new situation, and they may not do everything the way you want them to. That's okay. If things go off plan, just go back to steps 3-6. You've got all the time in the world. It's very common for it to take several tries to get everything to work right.</div>
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Try not to be goal oriented and <i>do</i> <i>not</i> set any kind of performance standard for yourself. Whatever happens, happens. Sure, you want to ditch your virginity, but your primary goal should be mutual pleasure. It's really not going to matter that much whether it happens this time or the next time as long as the sex is good, loving, and passionate. And if you focus on her pleasure first, instead of yourself, there's much more likely to BE a next time!</div>
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<b>Several guides that can help:</b></div>
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<a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2014/06/aunt-shaktis-action-plan-for-proactive.html" target="_blank">Aunt Shakti's Action Plan for Proactive Modern Virgins</a> – for general advice, particularly helpful if she's a virgin too.</div>
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<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9qFojO8WkpA" target="_blank">You Can't POP Your Cherry! (HYMEN)</a> – Almost everything you've heard about hymens and virginity is false. Laci Green helps set the record straight. Mandatory viewing if she's a virgin too.</div>
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<a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/p/better-sex-101_21.html" target="_blank">Better Sex 101</a> – anatomy and tips that most virgins have to learn the hard way.</div>
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And this is a book every man should rea<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: times, times new roman, serif;">d </span></span>many times: <a href="http://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260">She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman</a>, by Dr. Ian Kerner – the best book for men who care about satisfying women.</div>
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Have fun!</div>
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Shakti Amaranthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16204671934660827381noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7299662952978736845.post-70396154811436334452015-09-30T20:27:00.001-07:002017-03-11T21:38:04.623-08:00Escaping a Dead BedroomOne reason I've been discussing the various overlaps and close parallels between tantric sex and sex therapy over the last few months is that Z and I found our way to tantra in the first place because we were facing a "dead bedroom" – a catastrophic drop in sexual frequency. <br />
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I've kept my own personal story mostly out of this blog, but I recently came across a question on Reddit that inspired me to write about how Z and I escaped from that trap that kills so many relationships when the passion declines after a year or two. And an old friend read it and encouraged me to expand on the story here. So here goes!<br />
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The questioner asked about HL/LL (high libido/low libido) couples who had managed to survive new couple burnout and have a successful sex life. I’m the lower libido partner (LL) in a successful long-term relationship that almost went the “dead bedroom” route after two years together. It was hard, but we figured out answers that worked for us. Twenty years later, we probably have more and better sex than 95% of the couples our age.<br />
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I can tell you what worked for us, but every couple is different. Whether <i>anything</i> is going to work usually depends more on the nature of the relationship outside the bedroom than inside it. If it’s solid, most libido differences can be resolved.<br />
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<h3>
The Background</h3>
Z and I met and became a couple in 1992. Sex had started out being spectacularly good, but in retrospect, that was mostly the raw rush of intense emotion. We were head over heels in love, a first for both of us at 28, though neither of us were virgins.<br />
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In my case, that emotional intensity was compounded by a lot of anxiety, because I was completely out of my league. I'm short and skinny, flat chested, with no butt to speak of, and not the least idea of how to be sexy. I was the classic South Asian science nerd, with few social skills and no interest in boys, makeup, dancing, dating, or much of anything outside my lab. A femme fatale I am not.<br />
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Z, on the other hand, is tall, blond, athletic, handsome, and brilliant, and for a long time I felt like a fairytale prince had come slumming into my neighborhood and would inevitably move on. Other people didn’t help. Family and friends all warned me not to get too attached and for some reason our society as a whole is quite hostile to couples where the man is much better looking than the woman. As you can imagine, I was both infatuated and terrified of losing him, which lent real intensity – not to mention desperation! – to the sex.<br />
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After two years, though, I had finally accepted what he had figured out almost from the start: we are an incredibly good fit for each other. We sync perfectly at an intellectual level; we find the same weird things irresistibly funny; we're both fiercely loyal to the people we love; we're impatient with conventions in the same way; and we're total nerds, curious about just about everything. <br />
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Even the one big personality difference works for us, since he's shy and way too kind-hearted and people take advantage of him all the time, whereas I'm socially fearless and I'm often told that people find me intimidating. So I run interference for him and fend off the groupies and freeloaders and he supplies the charm and restrains my occasional Attila the Hun impulses. Our friends tell us it's like watching a very well-practiced "good cop/bad cop" routine!<br />
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As usual with new couples, a lot of the romantic intensity had worn off after a couple of years. In addition, I had finally faced up to the fact that doing science no longer made me happy. I had known from the age of 5 that I was going to be a scientist, and from age 10 that I was going to be a world-famous brain scientist.<br />
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But goals shift and interests broaden as people grow up, and by the time I finished my masters I knew I wasn't up for the monastic, single-minded PhD/postdoc/junior faculty/tenure grind, and by '94 I knew I didn't want to be a lab drone for the rest of my life.<br />
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Z, meanwhile had finished his post-doc and had been hired as an assistant prof, so he was facing exactly the kind of pressure (new courses to teach, pressure to publish and to write grant proposals) that I had shied away from. That included moving to a new part of the country and, for me, job hunting while trying to make a transition out of the only career I'd ever even considered for myself, in a city where I didn't know a soul.<br />
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That meant a tremendous amount of stress for both of us, and our sex life fell off a cliff. I not only had no interest in having sex, I felt numb when we <i>did</i> have sex. I started saying no, I’m not in the mood, and after a while Z almost stopped asking. We had sex less and less often and each time was unsatisfactory. This scared the hell out of both of us.<br />
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What saved us was our nerdiness. With my background in neuroscience and his in the social sciences and psychology, we turned ourselves into sex nerds, learning everything we could about sex, desire, arousal, marital happiness, and so on, to try to understand what was happening to us and how to fix it.<br />
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<h3>
The Basics</h3>
In retrospect, it seems obvious that stress was the primary problem. All I can say is that at the time it wasn’t obvious at all. This was before the Web even existed, and we floundered around looking for clues. But it was clear we weren’t alone, because there were hundreds of self-help and marital advice books out there, all aimed at couples whose sex lives have mysteriously vanished. <br />
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Most of these books promoted tricks for increasing novelty and riskiness and excitement, trying to recreate something like the vanished “thrill” of sex with a stranger or semi-stranger that people experience during dating and romance. And, of course, the "How to Spice Up Your Marriage!" approach only provides a short-term fix, because what is novel and exciting today is boring and routine tomorrow.<br />
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Eventually, we identified four problems that were messing us up. At the time, we didn’t have good labels for them. Since then, however, there has been a great deal of attention to all four in research and on the internet, so I will describe them using what we know now, not in terms of the vague ideas we had back then.<br />
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<b>Asker vs. Guesser:</b> I've gradually become convinced that the conflict between <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2010/may/08/change-life-asker-guesser" target="_blank">Ask culture and Guess culture</a> is grossly underestimated in a lot of “dead bedroom” situations. It certainly played a major role in ours.<br />
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I’m an Asker and Z is a Guesser. To me, asking for a favor or being asked for one has low emotional cost, so I ask for what I want and I say yes or no when I'm asked for something, without worrying much about it. Pretty simple and straightforward.<br />
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But people raised in a Guess culture are taught that any request you make imposes a serious obligation on the other person, so you should never ask lightly. They’re also taught that turning down a request, especially from someone close to you, is a serious rejection that can threaten that relationship. So you are supposed to figure out in advance whether or not a request is going to be acceptable, and you're NEVER supposed to ask for something that the other person isn't willing to do. This means that Guessers agonize about making requests <i>and</i> about saying no to someone else's requests. They also think that anyone who repeatedly makes "thoughtless" requests – ones that get 'no' answers – is selfish, rude, and insensitive.<br />
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(This is also the sort of culture where you’re considered rude if you take the last cookie when someone offers it to you. You are not supposed to accept it until the other person has offered three times and you've said no twice. It’s a culture that involves a lot of indirection and subtlety and potential for misunderstanding, so it can also cause a lot of conflict between Askers and their Guesser in-laws!)<br />
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Guess culture rules seem clumsy and inefficient to me, but it's a system that works quite well as long as everyone was raised knowing the rules. Where it causes trouble is with mixed couples or groups. Compare these exchanges:<br />
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Two Askers: "Hey, hon! Can you grab me a beer?" "Nah, I’m busy.” "'K, no probs!" [Gets up and gets beer.]<br />
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Asker/Guesser: "Hey, hon! Can you grab me a beer?" "Oh, FFS, can't you see that I'm busy? My hands are full! You're so damned lazy!" "Jesus, I just asked! Why can't you just say no?"<br />
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(Or, worse yet, the Guesser silently interrupts what s/he is doing, fetches the beer, and stalks off, fuming resentfully about being asked to do something at an inconvenient time.)<br />
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Guesser/Asker: “Um… hey, hon, are you busy?” “Yeah, why?” “Uh, okay. … Um, when you’re done if it’s not too much trouble could you maybe bring me a beer on your way back?” “Sure, but it’ll be a bit. I’ve got my hands full right now.” [Awkward silence while the Guesser tries to decide whether it would now be considered rude to get up and go get the damned beer and the Asker tries to figure out whether that was one of those mysterious exchanges that is going to make the Guesser sulk for days.]<br />
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(Or, alternatively, there is no conversation, because the Guesser won’t ask, but feels neglected because the Asker <i>didn’t</i> say, “Hey, I’m up, want me to get you anything?” – which is what a Guesser thinks any polite, thoughtful person should do.)<br />
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This can get pretty pathological where sex is concerned. If the HL partner is a Guesser, initiating sex is risky and being told no is perceived as a serious emotional rejection. And the LL/Asker partner generally has no understanding of how deeply wounding that rejection is. So after a string of "no" answers the HL/Guesser stops asking, frequency of sex goes to zero, and the LL partner is mystified and feels unjustly accused of being responsible. Even when I was uninterested in sex, I didn’t understand <i>why</i> Z stopped asking, so I assumed he wasn’t interested either.<br />
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In the reverse case, you get a "chasing" dynamic, where the HL/Asker keeps asking and the LL/Guesser feels harassed, coerced, and abused and deeply resents it. So even though the LL/G often "gives in," it tends to be the worst kind of duty sex with no emotional connection for either person.<br />
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It's important to understand how this works, because the solutions to a “dead bedroom” problem are completely different for Guess/Ask couples, for Ask/Guess couples, and for Guess/Guess couples. (Ask/Ask couples don't have trouble with this part of the HL/LL problem.)<br />
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<b>Responsive Desire:</b> In established relationships about 10% of men and 50% of women never or rarely experience spontaneous desire for sex. Sex researchers call this pattern “<i><a href="http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2010/02/27/do-you-know-when-you-want-it/" target="_blank">responsive desire</a></i>.” RDs (people who fit that pattern) aren't necessarily people with low libido, but we don't get horny unless we're in a specifically sexual situation, which means we depend on something or someone else to get us started.<br />
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When two RDs or two Guessers pair off, they need to do things like scheduling sex or it just dies out completely. It can be just as bad when an HL/Guesser like Z gets paired with an LL/RD like me, because Guessers hate asking and RDs seldom even think of asking unless it’s on their calendar.<br />
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The deeper problem with responsive desire isn’t really about libido. It’s that the partner with <i>spontaneous desire</i> (SD) doesn’t understand how a person can be in love and attracted to someone if they never initiate sex. The SD partner wants to be lusted after and feels unloved, unattractive, and undesirable if the RD never seems to WANT the SD partner. So it can really undermine the SD partner’s ego and self-image if their partner never initiates sex, even if the RD partner seems to enjoy sex and is usually happy to accept an invitation.<br />
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<b>Arousal vs. Inhibition:</b> Not all LLs are the same. Desire is best understood as the result of increasing excitation and decreasing inhibition, something that sex researchers call ”<a href="http://www.kinseyinstitute.org/research/inhibition_excitation.html" target="_blank">the dual control model of sexual arousal</a>." As <a href="http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2014/06/22/the-dual-control-model/" target="_blank">Emily Nagoski</a> puts it, you have to turn on the ONS <i>and</i> you have to turn off the OFFS. People differ in how hard it is to do each of these, so there are a lot of different combinations and therefore a lot of different kinds of LLs.<br />
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I happen to be a sensual person who really enjoys sex once I'm in the mood, but I also often carry a lot of stress around because of my work and just who I am. And what we eventually figured out is that a high enough level of stress stomps on my brakes, killing my libido. So, in an important sense, my problem had a fairly simple solution once I knew what was happening, whereas someone else, with deep religious hangups, depression, or other emotional problems might be a completely different kind of LL.<br />
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But all too often the stock solution to low libido is to advise the couple to try to step harder on the LL’s accelerator – <i>watch porn! get a vibrator! read erotica! dress sexy! get kinky! try bondage! have a threesome!</i> – when the real solution for that person is to take pressure off the brake.<br />
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Often this turns into a never-ending series of demands for the HL partner to become sexier and more attractive – <i>lose weight! go to the gym! get a six-pack! dress better! get a boob job! be more dom (or sub)!</i><br />
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But if the problem is with the LL partner’s “brake,” then pushing on the accelerator like this will have no actual effect on the LL partner’s libido. Meanwhile, putting all the blame and responsibility on the HL partner can be tremendously destructive to that person’s confidence and self-image.<br />
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We never went to those extremes, but Z still felt my lack of response as a major blow to his self-confidence. Most people experience unrequited love or passion quite often as teenagers and young adults and learn to deal with it and not to take it too personally. As a highly attractive teenager and man, Z had been the target of many unwanted crushes, but had never had his own affections unreturned, and at 30 it was a painful experience. Since then we’ve seen the same dynamic play out in a marriage where the HL partner is a beautiful woman, and her beloved husband’s loss of interest devastated her self-confidence and led to spiraling depression.<br />
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<b>Duration Matters!</b> As we discussed in detail <a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2015/08/what-lesbian-couples-can-teach-straight.html" target="_blank">in my last post</a>, the duration of sex is critical for many LLs. Like a lot of women I’m fairly slow to warm up. There's a good deal of evidence that, on the average, women need sex to last longer, while men prefer to have sex more often. One indication of this is that, on the average, gay women – who don't have to accommodate male preferences – have sex somewhat less often, but spend MUCH longer on each encounter, with the result that they are far more likely than straight women to have orgasms and to have multiple orgasms.<br />
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Many women find that sex that takes less than 30 minutes of total time, starting from the first kiss or cuddle, leaves them unsatisfied, even if the act itself was enjoyable. HL women may respond to this feeling of incompleteness by demanding more sex; a lot of average women, as well as most LL women, respond eventually by losing interest and becoming aversive to sex, at least with the current partner. So having a lot of sexual encounters that are too short and not completely satisfying can either cause or aggravate low libido in many women.<br />
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In our case, we had done what many couples do over the first few years. We started out having sex every day and it became a routine. We got into the habit of falling into bed at the end of a long day and automatically having fast, intense sex. <br />
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When we moved, we had even less time than before and neither of us were getting enough sleep, so we were dead tired when we got to bed. Time for sex was competing with precious sleep time, so it "made sense" to skip the preliminaries and have sex quickly. But, in retrospect, this meant I never got fully aroused, never had an orgasm, and never felt satisfied, and sex rapidly became less and less enjoyable, and eventually began to seem unpleasant.<br />
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<h3>
Finding Answers</h3>
Okay, by spelling out the problems in our case, I've kind of spelled out the solutions too, which makes it look easy. But back then, before the Web and in a much less open environment for discussing sex, it was hard as hell just to figure out what the problems were, much less the answers.<br />
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What we eventually concluded was that any answers we came up with had to deal with three things:<br />
<ul>
<li>Better ways to initiate sex (the Ask/Guess and Responsive Desire problems)</li>
<li>Reducing stress in a major way</li>
<li>Longer duration and better/more orgasmic sex</li>
</ul>
We solved the second and third problems first, and those answers led naturally to the solution to the first one, so I’ll explain in that order.<br />
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On stress, all of the pharmaceutical solutions had the potential side-effect of killing libido. As someone with some neuroscience training I was particularly skeptical about such a blunt sledgehammer approach to “fixing” the brain.<br />
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I had done a little bit of meditation and yoga over the years, and decided to get serious about that instead. I also switched from zen-styled meditation to vipassanā, now better known as <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-courage-be-present/201001/how-practice-mindfulness-meditation" target="_blank">mindfulness meditation</a>. Z learned it with me and it has helped both of us reduce stress a lot. <br />
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We now know that mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (MBCT) is the single most effective treatment for low libido, far more effective than any medication, but at the time we were starting out, this was mostly just a hunch on my part that reducing stress might help.<br />
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One of the people I had turned to for meditation instruction also told us that we should consider doing tantric sex, which addresses both stress and the duration/quality problem.<br />
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As readers of this blog know, the focus in tantric sex is on very deep relaxation and prolonged sexual arousal and orgasm, so this sounded perfect for us. The problem was figuring out how to do it. <br />
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At the time there were a lot of books and workshops that were heavy on the “spiritual” side of “sacred sex,” but none of them included any practical instructions. Even today, you can find hundreds of websites that present tantric sex as part of an elaborate hippie/New Age spiritual/mystical/religious thing, but include no practical instructions for the physical part of it.<br />
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But underneath all the religious obfuscation there are some simple principles for minimizing adrenaline and maximizing oxytocin during prolonged periods of sexual arousal. In addition to producing phenomenally good sex, following these principles has some <a href="http://moderntantra.blogspot.com/2013/09/six-remarkable-effects-of-tantra.html" target="_blank">pretty exotic effects on the human nervous system</a>. These include a sustained euphoric feeling and some altered states of consciousness that are seriously weird and fascinating. It’s not surprising that pre-scientific people saw magical power in tantric sex and tried to find religious explanations for what was happening!<br />
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My meditation instructor introduced us to an older couple who had been doing tantra for more than 20 years and we were impressed by the closeness of their physical and emotional connection to each other. They introduced us to others, who introduced us to still others, and we saw the same pattern of long-term couples who were still as passionate as new lovers. And so I began my almost two-decade-long project of interviewing real tantric sex practitioners to find out what worked for them, a project that led eventually to this blog.<br />
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We discovered that a typical tantra session is usually around three to four hours, though some people shave that down quite a bit and others spread it out over longer periods:<br />
<ul>
<li>The first phase consists of general preparation and stress reduction, often including a shower or warm bath and meditation. (~ 30-60 min)</li>
<li>The second, longest phase consists of a full-body, sensual massage for each person; the goal is very deep relaxation, but this time with a sustained period of sexual arousal and orgasm. (~ 45-60 min each)</li>
<li>The third phase is a period of “couple meditation,” usually in intimate contact with each other with little or no motion, often with the woman sitting in her partner’s lap so they can stay closely connected; PiV penetration is optional but common, generally without any thrusting. (~ 10-30 min)</li>
<li>The final phase is free-form conventional sex. (~ 10-45 min)</li>
</ul>
A man will typically experience at least two powerful orgasms, one toward the end of his massage and one at the end of the last phase. A woman may experience dozens – intense multiple orgasms are the rule, not the exception.<br />
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As you can imagine, the emphasis on deep relaxation techniques and extended time made it sound like tantric sex was tailor-made for our needs, and the stories about powerful full-body orgasms certainly didn’t hurt. <br />
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Tantric sex isn’t something you just pick up overnight, and it took us a while to figure out the techniques and to sort out the irrelevant religious cruft from the things that were actually important, so it took us the better part of a year to get fairly good at it.<br />
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But deciding to learn it was helpful almost immediately because it forced us to set a schedule for sex. Which brings us back to the first point about initiation. Finding 3-4 hours of guaranteed uninterrupted time for sex takes some planning. We eventually settled on Sunday mornings, because by that point in a typical week I’ve had Saturday to decompress from work. It’s also probably the one time when the rest of the world intrudes the least.<br />
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So we started scheduling one block of time every week when we both knew, without question, that <i>something</i> sexual was going to happen, even if it was nothing more than the exchange of full-body sensual massages. This solved the initiation problem by eliminating it. We could have scheduled more times, but just getting back to once a week was a big improvement. Neither of us wanted to tempt fate by pushing things.<br />
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What we discovered, however, was that the massages gradually turned into wildly successful sex, and having <i>really</i> <i>good</i> sex once a week reawakened my enjoyment of sex and made me receptive to and appreciative of the spontaneous sex that eventually started to crop up in mid-week. Z was very cautious about messing with a fragile situation by asking explicitly, but we’re both pretty high-touch affectionate people and sometimes cuddles turned into kissing that turned into groping, and so on.<br />
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The initiation process that we have evolved from that is a compromise between his SD/G style and my RD/A style, a little dance that has two parts. On a weeknight when he is interested, he uses an open-ended, non-verbal style of invitation that doesn’t require an immediate answer. And I follow a rule of either accepting enthusiastically or regretfully asking for a raincheck, which means that I make a commitment to myself to take the initiative the next free night.<br />
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So, for example, he comes over to where I’m reading or working and nibbles my ear or kisses the nape of my neck, and then wanders off. I finish whatever I’m doing, see that it’s close to bedtime, and take stock: Are there any <i>good</i> reasons not to have sex tonight? Am I working on a rush project? Do I have a (real) headache? Would tomorrow night be better for some good reason? If so, I apologize and promise a raincheck.<br />
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But if there’s no <i>substantial</i> reason for saying no, I take a few minutes to visualize having sex, and to think about how good it feels, and in general take some time to get myself into the mood. Then I go over and kiss or hug him, and say something like, “Let’s go to bed early, hmmm?” and things move naturally from there.<br />
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We almost always take at least an hour from first kisses to the last after-sex cuddles, but typically only 10-20 minutes of that is standard vaginal sex. The most important part of the extra time is actually the “pre-play” – close, affectionate, physical contact, holding, stroking, and kissing each other, gradually transitioning to foreplay and “moreplay” and finally “normal” sex.<br />
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<h3>
Summing Up</h3>
During our worst period, I think we had sex three times in about five or six months. The end result of this adventure, more than twenty years later, is that we’re still having sex around three times a week, and those three times include many more total hours spent on sex than we had experienced per week in the period after we moved in together when we were still in our 20s. (Roughly 5-6 hours per week now, versus 2-3 hours per week back then.) And I’m experiencing “saturation sex” that is so satisfying for me that I don’t have to depend on my innate drive or libido to want it.<br />
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The hardest part for me in all of this was just <i>learning to say yes when I didn’t have a good reason to say no</i>, and then taking those minutes to think about how good I always feel after sex in order to get myself in the mood. But what really makes this work for us is that Z is such a good, generous lover. He claims to get more pleasure from my orgasms than from his own, and he certainly acts as if that’s true, because he pampers and spoils me outrageously in bed, for which I am eternally grateful.<br />
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Scheduling helped. Understanding responsive desire and the Asker/Guesser dynamic helped a lot. Massage and meditation were critically important in solving our problem and are still vital tools for keeping the same thing from happening again. We probably <i>could</i> have gotten back on track if we'd never heard of tantric sex, but taking the time to have great sex was vital, and learning tantric sex is by far the easiest way to do that.<br />
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So that’s how we got our mojo back and why I’m such a passionate advocate for tantric sex!<br />
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<br />Shakti Amaranthahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16204671934660827381noreply@blogger.com14