Monday, September 16, 2013

Tantric Massage: Who Comes First?

In my post about Tantric massage, I had the woman give the first massage.  But when they first learned Tantra, more than half of the experienced Tantric couples I interviewed began by having the man give the first massage since that's the standard advice given out in many workshops and books.  Most of the rest of the couples I interviewed had also experimented at some point with this sequence.

However, every couple I talked to eventually decided that the female partner should take the lead.  My partner and I do the same - I always give the first massage.  The idea that "he always comes first" sounds suspect, even quaint, and I’ve wondered vaguely if this was residual sexism or cultural conditioning, but other couples gave pretty much the same practical reasons we had long ago discovered for ourselves:

Sympathetic Orgasm:  As couples become deeply attuned to each other and used to feeling what their partner is feeling, the man often becomes so involved in his partner’s orgasm that he comes when she does, even if he has received no stimulation.  This is especially true if the man has not recently ejaculated, in which case he may orgasm and ejaculate while performing yoni massage, purely from hearing, seeing, and feeling his partner’s orgasm.  Many couples see this as a wasted opportunity, and it can definitely cause a delay in the planned events!

Giving first helps her warm up:  A woman also gets turned on by massaging her partner and bringing him to orgasm, but instead of incapacitating her, it gets her warmed up and ready for her own massage, so having her give the first massage works best.

Men take longer to recover:  A man’s recovery period after an orgasm is much longer than a woman’s, so it makes sense to give the man as much time as possible between lingam massage and yab-yum.  (This is especially important if time is limited or the man has a long recovery time.)

I should warn you that this is somewhat controversial.  The standard advice of most Tantric gurus seems to be for the man to give the first massage, not receive it.  But, again, not one of the couples I interviewed does it that way.  

Several times I have asked writers or people who give Tantra workshops why they think yoni massage should come before lingam massage.  In each case, the answer was some intricate explanation having to do with "spiritual polarity" and "energy flows."  Then the teacher usually cited an old Hindu or Buddhist teacher or text as the ultimate authority, as if that settled the question.

I think this is yet another case where excessive regard for religious theories and the scribblings of dead monks can lead people to one answer, which then becomes dogma, while practice consistently favors another.  My advice is to try it both ways and see which you prefer.

For readers who already practice Tantra:

I would really like to hear from you on this.  Which way do you do it and why?  Do you switch around?  Have you experimented with both orders?  And is your current preferred sequence different from the one you started with?

Write to me at ShaktiAmarantha (at)!

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